My mother SPENDS every dollar I earn... and I'm too scared to get a job now! -r/Advice | Reddit Stories | EP3095

0:00 Hey, this is Angie.

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0:11 My mother spends every dollar I earn and I'm too scared to get a job now.

0:16 That's your money.

0:17 This started around late 2023, early 24, when I, 15 female, began selling a bunch of handmade crafts. Think keychains and artwork in my town to buy a few expensive things I wanted for the summer that amounted to about $ 925 or 810 euros.

0:34 Nice.

0:36 The problem is that when I sold something, my mom, 55 female, would keep the money. And again, OP is a minor, so.

0:43 And spend it.

0:44 And when I needed the money to buy said thing I wanted, I would have to wait multiple weeks for her to give me the money as she had spent it rather than give it to me.

0:53 Oh.

0:53 This was especially annoying as one of the things I wanted was retiring soon and I was worried I wouldn't have the money in time despite earning it weeks prior. This is so frustrating. I eventually earned well over enough that summer from selling things and got the things I wanted and decided to sell more stuff as a way of earning money. However, the problem of her taking the money and not giving back continued. And by early 2024, she owed me.

1:17 About $ 765.

1:17 Damn.

1:22 That is a crazy amount for your parent to owe you at 15.

1:26 Yeah.

1:27 Then in February of that year, I went on a school trip to Paris and my dad gave me about $ 345. And when I came back, I had about $ 275. By the way, this comes from Common Coconut. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit.

1:43 I'm Sophia. but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we own. So if you know something else, put it down below.

1:51 My mom opened a bank account for me and the agreement was that she would start paying me back the money she owes me and I would put the leftover money my dad gave me into the account.

2:00 Instead, she went through.

2:02 My wallet when I wasn't home and took the card with the money on it for just in case money, which after that took her about six months to pay back that $ 275 for which I constantly had to remind her about.

2:15 Not cool.

2:16 After that, I managed to convince her to pay me 20 a week to pay back the money she owed. This kind of worked, but starting late 2024, she basically started using my account as a checking account and started putting in and taking out loads of money, and she would be taking out my money as well. I asked her not to do this multiple times, and it eventually stopped late 2025, and she finally paid me back all the money she owed. I was still selling stuff, so the amount she owed me was easily well over $ 1, 700.

2:47 Can we talk to your dad? Yeah, does he know that she's doing this? I don't know.

2:52 I thought everything was fine until she started asking to borrow money. For example, she borrowed $ 340 in January, and despite her telling me it was only for a couple days, it was nearly four months. The latest one is that in the beginning of May, she asked for $ 570 in And I caved and.

3:11 Gave it to her.

3:11 No.

3:13 This is so tough.

3:14 Again, OP is 15.

3:15 Yeah. This is not a situation that should ever happen where a parent is asking for that amount of money from their minor child.

3:23 Yeah.

3:24 Honestly, hide the money. I don't know if there's any way.

3:27 You could just... Stop telling her about any money that you get.

3:31 Yeah, honestly, it's easy. Just hide the money and stop telling her.

3:34 She swore up and down that it would only be for three days tops. However, it wasn't, and it grew to about $ 640. She paid me back $ 170 of it about three weeks ago. However, she still hasn't paid me back the $ 470, and it's grown to about $ 525. She's constantly misremembering or lying about how much she owes me, and it's gotten to the point where I no longer trust her with my money.

3:59 She's not misremembering or... She's lying.

4:02 Yeah, she's blatantly lying to your face.

4:05 I'm even scared to get a job because I'm worried that she'll take all of my money and never give it back. And whenever I ask her about paying me back, she either yells, downplays it, makes up excuses that I know are BS, or says she'll have it by next week or something. She's asked me about how I need to make more keychains and stuff because I'm running out of ones to sell. But to be honest, I don't want to because she's probably going to take my money.

4:27 I've talked to my dad about it, and he's agreed that what she's doing isn't right. And he's pissed about it, too. But I'm scared that if I confront her, that she'll just yell or something. I would really appreciate some genuine advice on how to handle the situation, how to talk to her about it.

4:41 Advice?

4:41 Opie's dad is like, that's tough.

4:44 Good luck. Good luck on that.

4:46 I mean, you're 15. You live with your parents. I would just say if you can get like.

4:52 I feel like there's two things.

4:54 Yeah.

4:55 Yeah, what?

4:56 Just get everything in cash? Yeah. So then you have that.

5:00 Start behaving like an old man and storing all of your cash under your bed.

5:05 Put it in a mattress. Put it in the mattress.

5:07 Either don't tell your mom, like hide it or stop doing this.

5:12 Yeah.

5:12 Yeah.

5:13 Just be like, mom, you keep taking my money.

5:16 Yeah.

5:16 This is my work, my little business.

5:19 Yeah.

5:20 I don't know, how old do you need to be to open a checking account?

5:23 If you're a minor, you have to have a parent present.

5:26 Okay, yeah.

5:26 Or a parent sign-on for you.

5:28 What, 15? I mean, she has technically a checking account, but her mom has access.

5:35 Update, five days later. So me and my dad went down to the bank and were able to open a second account.

5:40 Oh, good.

5:40 With his address, email, et cetera, and the card should arrive soon. It seems like parents are separated.

5:46 Which I kind of suspected.

5:47 Yeah, that's what I thought.

5:49 Oh, I did not.

5:49 But, well, it seems, especially now, that has been confirmed. I know people were saying to open an account on another bank, and I've talked to my dad, and we'll probably be doing that as well. We put all the money I have at my dad's house into this new account and made certain it won't show up if she looks at the profile. All future money will be going into the new account, and the plan is as soon as she pays me back the $ 400, I'll take that and the rest out of the account and put it in the new one. My mom doesn't know about any of this, and hopefully it all goes well. I hope so.

6:20 If it doesn't, that's on her.

6:21 If she's like, where's my money?

6:24 Why don't I have access to your money?

6:25 It's like, Mom, I'm 15 years old. It's embarrassing that you're stealing my money.

6:30 I just want to get the new AirPods. All I want is the AirPods.

6:34 I mean, I was going to say, there's like the... long shot in the dark here where like mom is just saving all your money.

6:39 Up but yeah this whole time i doubt it because she's.

6:42 Saved it she's spending it immediately if she gets it um but that's the end of that story folks don't let your parents steal your money My ex demanded my personal account over our daughter's birthday gift. No.

6:56 My kid, 16, lives with her dad quite a few states away in the U.S. For her birthday this year, my brother gave her a switch.

7:03 Voice.

7:04 Before any of this happened, I reached out to her father to make sure he would be okay with the gift because he's pretty intense about internet surveillance. But that's not the internet.

7:13 It has internet on it.

7:14 But you can't access, like, the internet. I mean, it runs on Wi-Fi.

7:18 I think you can.

7:20 You can access, like.

7:21 What do you mean, you can access the internet? No, like, you can't look things up on it. It uses Wi-Fi, but you couldn't use it like a phone. I wonder if they do have, like, a Google app or something on it. Because you can get, like, Hulu, Netflix, whatever on your phone.

7:33 Yeah, it doesn't have an official, like, web browser or anything like that.

7:36 Okay, so it doesn't have a web browser.

7:37 However, you can use a hidden workaround by changing your DNS settings to access a basic web portal.

7:43 Okay, but that takes, like, work and knowledge. I don't think she would do that.

7:47 That takes work and knowledge. This is a child.

7:48 She clearly is stupid. Oh, she's 16 and doesn't have a browser on her phone or the ability to get any apps. So how would she figure out how to.

7:56 Do that if she couldn't?

7:57 If there's a will, there's a way.

7:59 I don't agree with any of this, but alas, she lives with him and continues to want to.

8:03 Okay.

8:04 Wait, wait.

8:05 Hold on.

8:05 She has zero, like... internet in a sense i.

8:09 Mean she that's interesting she seems to be very controlled at his house but also continues to want to.

8:16 Live there 16 but also yeah whoa this is like this is like recently because.

8:22 It's supposed to do like research for like school i don't know that's the old way books.

8:29 Anyways we got the go-ahead that she could have the Switch. So I set her up with my old Switch account in order to not have to rebuy some of the games I already owned. And then I purchased quite a few more. Ideally, I was planning for us to share the account by setting up her Switch as the primary and then buying myself one somewhere down the line and setting it up as the secondary. Now that she's home, I'm being told that her father is demanding to have ownership of the Switch account.

8:55 I'm fuming.

8:56 I was not told that this was a condition of her having this device. If I had been, I would not have given her my personal Switch account that has my banking info, my personal email, my everything attached to it. Essentially, to me, it seems he's looking to make this gift my brother and I got for her into his new family Switch rather than a gift that belongs to our daughter alone. He has more children with his new wife.

9:18 Oh.

9:18 By the way, this comes from Mowgli1989.

9:19 Com.

9:21 And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit.

9:25 I'm Sophia. I'm Savannah.

9:27 I'm Keon.

9:28 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. And OP says, the part that sucks is he apparently is threatening to take it away from her without the transfer to his email account. She's obviously panicking, and I don't want this to result in her losing her favorite birthday gift. But am I being unreasonable for saying F this?

9:48 It's so unreasonable from where I'm standing. That said, I don't want to ruin her birthday gift. Please hit me with perspective. We have an update, but what do you think? Is OP being unreasonable for not wanting... her ex-husband to have access to her.

10:03 Bank account yeah did they already send the switch and stuff or she just like set.

10:08 It up so her daughter already has the switch and op had given her account mm-hmm so the switch is already there but the husband ex-husband is like oh well i want control yeah i think i think.

10:21 I mean i guess he's like no i don't even think he's entitled to it truthfully because he didn't buy it for her he has nothing to do with it just because he's staying at her house you know and probably the other kids want to play on it and she's like no it's a gift from my mom maybe like now that's causing some riff in the family you.

10:39 Just you keep it at your house That's the easiest answer.

10:42 Yeah, you just say. She doesn't, she lives with the dad, though.

10:44 I know.

10:45 She doesn't.

10:45 She can play it when she's at mom's house.

10:47 But I don't think. I'll give her more reason to go to mom's house.

10:48 Isn't it like across?

10:49 A couple states?

10:50 Yeah.

10:50 It's across the, I mean, next time she comes.

10:51 I don't think they really like, yeah, they really see each other, though.

10:55 Oh, yeah.

10:57 It's not like they're like right down the street or like, you know, next city over.

11:00 Okay, well, if she.

11:01 Can't just take it back to mom's house, then I would tell them, hey, I'm not comfortable giving you my bank information. We would have to give her, make her a whole new account.

11:09 Yeah.

11:09 Yeah.

11:10 And I would have to take all of the, I mean, she wouldn't get any.

11:12 Of the games.

11:12 Yeah. Also, I'm with Agal. He just wants control.

11:15 Yeah.

11:16 Which is true. I mean, that's all he wants.

11:17 Very, very weird.

11:19 It's so strange that she wants to live with him.

11:21 I mean, maybe she doesn't.

11:22 Well, I mean, at least Opie has said she wants to live with him.

11:25 I'd rather live with him.

11:27 Update! I don't have a huge update, but since quite a few people asked, her dad hasn't taken her switch way. She called me frantically asking for me to just do it so she could keep her switch, and I told her that I wasn't saying no, but that her dad would have to personally ask me himself. I couldn't imagine a scenario in which he could reasonably justify asking for such a thing. Turns out I was right! He has not asked, because he knows it's insane. The worst part about this, though, is that it means he was doing it to get his preferred outcome. but never had any intention of following through. In the end, though, she gets to keep her switch, so I guess it's a win.

11:59 So confused about this living situation and why she prefers to stay with this guy.

12:04 But I don't know. We don't know.

12:06 We do not know. Fred Skoll says, how the heck did the dad manage to move several states away? Custody agreements usually prohibit that. It seems like he has full custody.

12:15 Yeah.

12:15 Which I wonder what happened there.

12:18 Oh, could be that she wants to live with him because it's close to all her friends.

12:21 Good point.

12:22 Yeah. Yeah.

12:23 She could have been the one to like move out. And like maybe, you know.

12:27 She's 16.

12:28 Yeah.

12:28 She's like, well, I don't want to go, you know, all the way across state lines and start my life over as a teenager. Yeah, I wouldn't either. No. I'm good, actually.

12:36 I'm good.

12:37 I'll take your switch. I'll just, I'll take the bullying here and the bullying across states.

12:43 Yep.

12:44 And that's the end of the story. We're going to go on to the next one. My sister was seen holding hands with a stranger and my father sided with her.

12:52 Well, maybe that stranger's hands were cold.

12:56 I could really use some outside perspective because the situation has been weighing heavily on me and I'm struggling with how to process everything. My sister has been married for almost 20 years. Earlier this year, her husband, male, 47, suffered a major stroke and was hospitalized.

13:12 Ayy.

13:13 He was discharged in March, 2026 and has been left with significant disabilities and new limitations. God, that's horrible.

13:21 Yeah, that's really hard.

13:22 I couldn't imagine. It has been a life-changing event for him, my sister and their family. Yeah. During the time he was in the hospital, I tried very hard to support my sister. I could see how scared and overwhelmed she was and I repeatedly told her that she wasn't alone and that we would be there for her. I offered help however I could. When she was worried about how she would manage things at home, I even offered to help pay for a ramp for their house so he could safely get around. There were nights when she was at the hospital late and I gave her rides home so she wouldn't have to walk alone at 3 a.m.

13:56 Before his stroke, her husband was always the primary provider in their marriage. My sister has not worked outside the home during their 20-year marriage, so after his stroke, the expectation was that she would be the person helping care for him while he adjusted to his new reality. By the way, this comes from OkBaby6721, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I'm Savannah.

14:19 I'm Sophia.

14:20 I'm Savannah.

14:22 There can't be two of us. Someone's gonna have to change. We're never gonna get anything done here. And we're here to talk about some stuff, give some advice, but we don't have all your little answers. We're only gonna tell you what we would do, but let us know what you would do down in the comments. As Opie says, as time went on, I became increasingly concerned about whether he was getting the support and care he needed. He still has a nurse who comes by once a day.

14:47 And I was told the nurse had concerns that he was sometimes being left sitting in his own urine for hours before she arrived. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, my goodness.

14:58 Thanks.

14:59 That's not good. There were also situations where I was told he was being left alone for extended periods of time and struggling with basic needs. Knowing how vulnerable he was after a major stroke was heartbreaking for me. Last week, my husband saw my sister at the back of her restaurant with another man. He said they were holding hands and it looked like a date. I asked him a ton of questions. He described the guy and it definitely wasn't her husband or a family member. Yeah, this happens a lot, unfortunately, where, you know, someone is made to be a caretaker for someone who has fallen ill or, you know, lost some sort of ability to take care of themselves. And then in that time, The caretaker becomes

15:42 resentful and then kind of steps outside.

15:43 The marriage, which is never obviously okay. But it unfortunately does happen a lot.

15:48 I want to be clear that I do not know the full truth and I do not want to accuse someone of something I cannot prove. I brought my concerns to my sister because I felt it was important to have an honest conversation. I explained what my husband had seen and why it concerned me, especially given everything her husband had just gone through. She confirmed that it was her and she was there with another man.

16:10 OP is like, hey, I just.

16:11 Had to bring it up.

16:12 We might have seen you in another guy.

16:16 I don't want to accuse you of anything. And she's like, no, that was me.

16:18 And I was with another man. I was having an affair.

16:20 Oh, that was easy.

16:22 Yeah, that was me.

16:23 Oh, OK, cool. Just want to make sure.

16:24 Oh, the woman with the affair?

16:25 Me.

16:27 Don't worry.

16:28 I'll confess.

16:28 Oh, the man I was holding hands with? Boyfriend. Boyfriend.

16:31 Oh, cheating on my husband?

16:32 Yes.

16:33 Okay.

16:34 Dang right.

16:35 Her response then was to avoid really addressing what I was bringing up after that. She did not provide much explanation or engage with it, which I found unusual and left me with more questions. I was not looking for a fight or trying to shame her. I wanted to understand what was happening because I cared about both of them.

16:52 It obviously looked bad, and I didn't want to think the worst, but why wouldn't she just tell me then? After I spoke with my sister about what my husband had seen, my brother-in-law called me that night.

17:02 Uh-oh.

17:03 He asked if my sister had been with me all day. I told him that I actually had not seen her in a few weeks. He got emotional and started crying. He opened up to me about what he was going through. He said he thinks she's been sleeping with someone and I listened to him. Hearing him so upset was very difficult because I knew how much he had already been through after his stroke. and how vulnerable he was during this time.

17:27 I felt uneasy, and I spoke with my dad about my concerns. He seemed to understand why I was questioning the situation, and said, actually, that would make a lot of sense.

17:48 For context, my dad and I have always been close, and I've actually saved his life a few times. He was in tough medical situations and stayed by his bedside for weeks.

17:57 Okay.

17:59 Whoa.

17:59 Okay, Opie.

18:01 Opie said, yeah, I've actually saved his life a couple times, so he owes me. Listen, yeah, sure, you can save a life, but can you save a marriage? Oh, probably not.

18:12 Are you a miracle worker or what? Because that's what we're proving.

18:16 Yeah, we've seen easy mode. Now let's do hard mode.

18:19 Save this marriage.

18:20 Go.

18:21 I had an opportunity to move abroad. What's her name? Got him.

18:24 Dang.

18:25 And decided to stay close to be near him after my mom passed away. I bought a house a few blocks away. I'm there whenever he needs anything. He explained that my sister had told him She had been doing certain activities alone that are not normally things people do alone like going to the movies or going for hikes.

18:42 He said he could understand why I was questioning whether she may have been spending time with someone and that would fill in some gaps for him. He also said that my brother accused her of cheating on him. I said maybe it was something else and said maybe it was a friend or family member. He said no, probably not.

18:59 The next day my dad called me and the conversation was completely different. He told me that he was up all night. And that he thought what I was saying was bull crap.

19:09 Oh.

19:09 And that he would only believe it if it came directly from my sister.

19:13 Wait, what?

19:13 What happened?

19:15 Literally yesterday you were like, yeah, she probably is cheating. And then you came back the next day and you were like, how dare you?

19:20 How dare you? I will only believe it if she says it. I've reflected and journaled all this, and I'm going to go with you're a liar.

19:28 You're a liar?

19:29 I've thought about it, and it hurts too much, so you must be a liar.

19:32 I don't even care if you saved my life once or twice.

19:34 Yeah, I don't.

19:35 You're a liar. You saved me so you could lie to my face. I know your plans. I asked him if he thought my sister would be honest with him if something was going on. He said he was not going to confront her, and that he didn't think she would tell him the truth anyways, but that eventually the truth...

19:50 would come out because someone would see her Wait, I'm confused. Someone did see her. What?

19:55 What?

19:56 This is such a confusing way to approach this whole situation. He's like, no, I'm not going to ask her about it, even though the only way I'm going to believe her is if she tells me.

20:06 Yeah.

20:07 Because she won't tell me the truth about it.

20:09 Yeah. So you know that she's a liar? But I'm not going to ask you to tell me to... I just, it really is like backwards. And it also makes no sense at all.

20:21 This is all backwards.

20:22 I'm scared. Marty, I'm scared. I told him that I felt like this was exactly what's happening now because my husband had seen her. That's what I'm saying. I asked him if he thought my husband was lying. He said no, that he believed my husband was telling the truth, but that he did not want to hear about it anymore.

20:40 He's like, if I shut my eyes and close my ears, then my daughter's not having an affair, right?

20:45 Sure thing, buddy.

20:47 That's how that works, right?

20:48 I think.

20:49 I think so.

20:50 Then he got really angry with me and told me that he was not going to hear anything bad about his daughter from anyone. And that included me. You make up your mind, dude. I told him I'm your daughter, too. He said, I know, but I'm not going to effing tolerate this from you. He then told me to go pound salt and said he never wanted to talk to me ever again. Whoa, dude, I saved your life like three times. What happened? literally what happened he said he did not want to hear anything about this from me ever again and then hung up on me a few hours later i tried calling my dad back because i did not want things to end that way and i wanted to try to repair the conversation when he answered he told me to f off hung up on me

21:32 again that's weird yeah that's a little freak got a freaky dad since then i have been deeply hurt and heartbroken by everything that has happened At this point, I do not feel like I can keep reaching out and putting myself in a position to be rejected. I have decided that I am not going to contact my family again unless they reach out to me and are willing to apologize and have a respectful conversation. That's a good idea.

21:55 I agree. Save your peace.

21:56 My sister also reached out and said she would be dropping off some of my belongings tomorrow. And then that's that. which felt like she may not want to have a relationship with me moving forward. That has been incredibly painful. I'm trying to look at this objectively. Am I wrong for feeling this way? If you believed a vulnerable family member was possibly being neglected or betrayed after a life-changing medical event, how would you handle it? Would you speak up or stay out of it? I'm not looking for people to attack my sister. I love her. I'm genuinely trying to understand if I handled this wrong, if I crossed a line, And how to move forward with compassion while also being honest about the situation.

22:35 Unfortunately, I think everyone's just super defensive right now. And you just kind of have to take a step back.

22:39 I mean, they can't, like, undo what's done. Yeah. And what is actively still probably happening.

22:45 Yeah.

22:46 I think that your dad's going to realize what's going on.

22:49 Because.

22:50 He's just lashing out because he can't lash out at the other sister. So, you know, you're the one who called her out. But in turn, I think he's internalizing it and you're calling him out. Yeah.

23:01 Yeah.

23:01 I don't know.

23:02 I think taking a step back is the way to go.

23:05 Yeah. For now.

23:06 I'd also agree with that statement, which is what she's doing. So keep it up, OP.

23:10 Keep it up.

23:11 OP in the comments. It's already been reported by his care team, so they're already aware. Sorry if that was not clear in my post. Also, his family is now aware of the situation. Brother-in-law has a big family. He's the oldest of four siblings who are all married and have kids, spouses, etc. I'm not sure how much they can support him. His parents are in a retirement home, but they're aware and all went out for breakfast this morning to talk about it with him. I mean... I don't know. This is hard. Like, obviously, brother-in-law, it's not his fault that all of this happened. No, that he's getting cheated on while he's ill. Yeah, that he's getting cheated on. Yeah.

23:47 And I think focus on helping him.

23:49 Yes.

23:50 If you're going to do anything. Yeah, I agree. Because everyone's just going to come at you and be like, why? You want to ruin this family or something? They're just shooting the messenger.

23:59 Exactly.

24:00 And you don't deserve that.

24:01 It's like, I didn't have the affair, guys. I don't know if you're... I don't know if you're mixed up, but I'm not. I'm the good sister. Yeah. She's the evil sister. There are some comments. Objective pound 2185 says, why would you tell your dad? Your sister is an adult. Your dad doesn't control her, isn't able to punish her, etc.

24:19 Unless your plan is to isolate her from her family and all support. Keep your mouth shut.

24:23 Oh my God.

24:24 What? Whoa.

24:26 That's crazy to be like, why did you tell anyone about our affair? Maybe because I wanted advice.

24:32 Yeah. And you're a monster. It's not like she was telling on her so that he would like punish her and be like, what are you doing? It's more like, I think this is happening. Like, do you want to try to get it out of her? Because she hasn't really talked to me about it and kind of avoided it.

24:48 Maybe she would open.

24:49 More up to you.

24:50 Yeah, this is so weird to be.

24:51 That is a weird response. It's a weird take.

24:53 It's an aggressive response.

24:55 If I could put someone through a screen, I would. OP responds, I wanted his perspective. I didn't want to assume the worst about her and I was hoping he knew something I didn't. And well, I guess to your other point, he could leave her out of his will or scold her or something if he wanted to punish her.

25:10 He obviously didn't have a problem doing that to me. But yeah, I would never want to isolate her from anyone. His medical team is already aware. Silken Doggy says, I'm going to assume your dad is a boomer. Opie responds, yep, just turned 68 this year.

25:25 I can tell.

25:26 One year off from the funny number.

25:28 That's true.

25:29 And he won't even appreciate it.

25:30 And that depends on who you are and how old you are.

25:33 Dang. Ill Hall 3304 says, does this sister work at Quick Trip? Because I had a similar scenario where this woman tried taking me out on a date after telling me her husband had a stroke. And is she a little white chick? If so... What? They're just trying to find out who she is.

25:51 Yeah, they're like, wait, I think I know her actually.

25:54 So wait, can you tell me, am I the affair partner? Opie responds, my sister doesn't have a job and hasn't worked for years now. Well, look at her.

26:03 Isn't she just the best wife ever? Not providing any support and cheating on her partner.

26:08 There is an update. Four days later, just wanted to give an update for those who requested it. I read all of your comments and I appreciate the wide variety of takes, information, and support. First of all, I wanted to assure everyone who was worried that brother-in-law is okay. The night after this all happened, I saw that brother-in-law removed me from social media and I couldn't get a hold of him. Turns out my sister took his phone and blocked me on it and she didn't tell him.

26:32 So he thought I was the one who blocked him. I still had him on Instagram and reached out there and we figured out what had happened. Long story short, I reached out to his sister. He is being taken care of by his family now who are all stepping in to help. Turns out they never liked my sister and over the years have slowly drifted apart and were even estranged at one point because of her. They didn't like the way she treated him or the rest of the family and he'd always defend her so it caused a riff. At first, I wasn't sure how this was going to go, but they are all coming together for him after some emotional moments and apologies. Family wins.

27:08 Yeah, at least he's got his side.

27:09 Yeah.

27:10 He has two sisters and a brother who are all married, and they've all been checking on him regularly between his siblings and their spouses. They've also upped the nurses and PSWs coming over. Plus, his rehab appointments for physio and brother-in-law has also joined a few support groups that have been coming to his place to pick him up to take him to the community center for their group meetings.

27:32 Volunteers check on him during the pickups. He's also going to therapy to help him deal with his new normal. Okay, so that's amazing. Yeah. That there are so many people. There are support groups, families coming in, spouses coming in. Family's coming in.

27:47 This is what he's needed the whole time. And just, you know, nobody on OP's side of the family wanted to do any of that.

27:54 Exactly.

27:54 Except for OP.

27:55 Yeah.

27:56 So I'm glad he has all this.

27:57 Yeah. It's just, it's great.

28:00 I'm glad he has people to count on besides his sister. And it sucks that he literally was estranged from his family because of this girl.

28:07 Yeah, because he had to defend this terrible, you know, wife to his family. And then she had an affair. She cheated on him.

28:15 Yeah, that sucks. I think he is good for now despite everything else being emotionally taxing. However, my sister did confirm that she is going to divorce him and they're looking into housing and care options for him because they'd have to sell their current home. The plan is for her to move in with my father. One and the same.

28:31 He loves her.

28:32 Yeah.

28:33 I already know that's not going to go well. Their lifestyles definitely clash. They lived together before and it was nothing but arguments. My sister is lazy, very messy in the kitchen, and a bad cook who gets upset over any even perceived criticisms. My dad is particular about the kitchen and his food and tells it how he sees it.

28:52 So that is a recipe for disaster.

28:55 Well, they deserve each other.

28:57 So I can't see that working out. My sister seems to cause havoc wherever she goes, and this will likely not be the exception. So I thought about what I would do if my daughter came to me to tell me something like this about her sister. If I put myself in the father's position, I'd probably have several emotions at once. My first reaction would likely be concern.

29:16 If my daughter is.

29:17 Married and another daughter tells me she saw her holding hands with someone else, I'd realize that's a serious claim, but I'd want to avoid jumping to conclusions and I wouldn't want to think that way about my daughter. I get that he has some hard emotions here, but also, I'd also appreciate that my youngest daughter trusted me enough to tell me. She's bringing me something she believes is important and looking for advice. I wouldn't want to dismiss her or make her feel like she'd done something wrong simply by telling me. That's absolutely bad parenting. Especially to react the way he did and to treat me so brutally.

29:50 Exactly.

29:51 At least you're getting it, OP. I'd probably feel conflicted about how to deal with it. As a parent, I wouldn't want to get in the middle of my adult children's marriage. I'd have to think carefully about whether this is something I should act on or whether it's primarily between the married couple. Parents sometimes get involved where they shouldn't, and I get that, but they should also be able to bring up their concerns as well. So my response would probably be something like, Thank you for telling me.

30:17 I know this couldn't have been easy. I don't know exactly what happened, so I'm not going to make assumptions, but I appreciate that you came to me. Boom. Perfect response.

30:26 I agree. Crazy.

30:27 OP's just writing a fanfic about, you know, if she had a good dad.

30:32 Dang.

30:32 This is what I would do.

30:34 Maybe that's hoping for too much, but I think you get my point. I'd want my kids to know they can come to me about anything, and they shouldn't be afraid of that or made to feel bad about it, especially when it's a hard or difficult topic. I would not be angry at the daughter who told me, unless maybe she had a pattern of deliberately spreading false rumors or trying to cause harm. If that were the case, it would be annoying for sure, but also expected, and I would know not to take it too seriously. But that isn't the case here, and simply telling me what she or her husband witnessed wouldn't, by itself, make me think she had done anything wrong. Especially when it was done the way I brought it up. I didn't make assumptions.

31:13 I didn't accuse her of anything or label my sister as anything. I simply told my dad that happened. I was worried about them not having enough support in a challenging time. Literally. OP, it's okay. You don't have to convince us. I know, yeah. He's like, and also another thing. No, it's, yeah.

31:28 And another thing I don't appreciate. OP, I'm on your side.

31:32 Yeah.

31:32 OP, I was never not on your side. I think now you're just trying to convince yourself.

31:36 Yeah.

31:37 Which I get it.

31:37 And you don't have to.

31:39 Yeah.

31:39 You don't gotta.

31:40 I mean, I guess you do have to because you're doing it right now, but you shouldn't feel the need to because you're in the right.

31:46 True.

31:46 I also thought about how I would react if I were in my sister's shoes. Like if someone thought I was cheating on my husband and saw something, my response would have been to clear up the situation and explain it or maybe even laugh about it. Rather than lash out in anger, I think her reaction actually just confirmed that she is definitely a lying cheater.

32:05 That's usually the case.

32:07 Yep. I think she was a cheater.

32:09 She already said yes. As for my dad, he called me yesterday. So about a week and a half of us not talking, which isn't like us, he called me. I was in the middle of something but thought if I didn't answer it could get worse. He was very curt with me on the phone.

32:24 What's up?

32:25 Is what he first said when I showed up. So curt. So curt.

32:30 So curt.

32:30 Oh my.

32:32 Short and abrupt, not the usual, hey, how are you? I ignored his what's up and asked him how he was doing. He said he's sick and getting over a cold and has felt off and like something was wrong all week.

32:44 And that's what you get, honestly. That's what you get.

32:47 A thousand year plague on your father.

32:49 You got cursed.

32:51 Then he said he just wanted to make sure me and the family were okay. He asked me how my daughter's birthday party went. He was invited before all of this happened and he didn't attend.

33:01 Wow.

33:02 Whatever.

33:02 Normally I'd send him photos or a video of her blowing out the candles, but I didn't bother this time. He said he didn't come because he didn't feel well and didn't want to get her sick on her birthday, but he has a gift for her. very well but he has a gift for her and then he got off the phone it was short and quick i didn't want to get into it but i do want an apology he shouldn't have talked to me like that and whenever i have the time or chance i'm going to tell him that it really hurt me the way he spoke to me regardless this has changed the view i have on my sister and my dad it hurt me so deeply that my dad could talk to me like that so easily it also made me think about a How my dad acted in those moments says a lot.

33:45 And as for my sister, it also feels like a huge letdown. I've always given her the benefit of the doubt and clearly that's been grossly misplaced.

33:52 Stop benefiting her doubt.

33:54 Stop it.

33:55 Stop.

33:56 She doesn't deserve that.

33:57 Dadding her benefit.

33:58 She's a liar and a cheater.

33:59 Take her away.

34:00 Take her away. I really believed. That she was a better person than this. Like, yeah, I've had my doubt, but I knew when push comes to shove, she'd always do the right thing. But that's just not true. The disappointment hurts and it's hard to accept, but I'm trying to see it for what it is. I know that people are all on a spectrum, not all bad or all good, but this feels too far gone. I don't want someone like that in my life or around my kids.

34:26 I've always been the one who steps in for them. I'm not going to do that anymore. Her and my dad can rely on each other from now on, whatever mess that looks like. I'm just going to concentrate on my own family. At my daughter's birthday party, I realized how much support we have around us and my best friend's that I've known since I was a baby are both more like sisters to me than my real sister ever has been. I love them so much and we all have kids around the same age. It really does feel like our own family. I'm going to concentrate on that and put more effort into the good relationships and slowly drop the bad ones, even if they're family. I could use the same excuse for them in reverse. If

35:01 they're supposed to be there for family, then why weren't they there for me? So I'm slowly going to just step back and let them have each other. I don't want or need that in my life. Thanks for all of your support.

35:12 And you're welcome.

35:13 Good luck.

35:14 Yeah.

35:14 You've got other people that are nice.

35:16 Yeah.

35:17 Focus on them.

35:18 You got a support group. It doesn't have to be your family, you know, and it seems like you have You have people there for you. So just, you know.

35:26 And now your dad and your sister get to have each other.

35:29 Isn't that fun?

35:30 I'm sure they'll have a great time. And that's what they deserve anyway. So go be miserable and cheat and whatever you want. Away from me. Don't need that in my life.

35:41 Oh, yeah.

35:41 And that's the end of the story. We're going to go on to the next one.

35:44 Hey, this is Riley, your favorite Southern Belle. We're going to get back to these stories. But here's three minutes worth of ads from our sponsors. My partner said he sees millions of things wrong with me, and I mistakenly believed him.

35:57 Now why would you believe that?

35:59 My partner, 36 male, and I, 34 female, are closing in on two years together. I'd say we spend 80% of our free time together. He still pays rent at his place, but pretty much lives here. As time goes on, I have noticed an increasing sense of uneasiness when I'm doing practically anything in his presence. Many times he will flat out correct something I'm doing that he sees as wrong.

36:22 Sometimes it feels like he makes patronizing comments. A lot of it feels like I'm being constantly observed and he is barely able to keep himself from saying something about how I'm doing something or why I'm doing something this way versus that way. For a while, I saw a lot of this as him just trying to be helpful.

36:39 This general attitude isn't directed solely at me. I see him treat his family and friends similarly. He is someone who likes routine and seems to struggle with uncertainty. Everything has a right and a wrong way to be done in his eyes. I'm more of a if-it-doesn't-affect-me-I-don't-care person. The problem I'm having is twofold. My self-esteem is taking a real hit being constantly corrected, or feeling like I'm always doing everything wrong. I find myself judging myself about things that have never mattered to me. And, by the way, this comes from throwaway52120. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit.

37:14 I'm Dakota.

37:15 I'm Keon.

37:16 I'm Sophia.

37:16 And we are here to read this story and give our good advice goofily, but we don't have the answers to all of life's problems. Keep that in mind and comment what you would do.

37:26 I would get him a nice new pair of glasses, because apparently he's seeing things the wrong way.

37:32 Yeah, you gotta get that vision corrected. N.O.P. says, The several arguments or conversations about this have been extremely unsuccessful. When I try to point out specifically what is making me feel judged, he will argue that I'm trying to twist everything into something negative, or he was just trying to help. He sees me telling him I don't like the way he's treating me as me telling him he's wrong, and we can never seem to get past this part.

38:00 I continue trying to explain exactly why I'm feeling judged, almost trying to ruve it to him and he will say almost anything to defend himself it's so stupid bro and it's that's time to leave automatically time to go.

38:12 I think and i think duchess cassandra said it and she went autistic question mark it could.

38:19 Be yeah i don't care what it is though if you bring this up directly to your partner and their reaction is an absolute refusal to hear you.

38:29 But it's like, if it's not my way, it's wrong. Like, I know you're doing it, but it's wrong in my eyes. So, does not compute. Like, it doesn't make, like, yeah. And he brings it up every time. Mmm. I'm exhausted.

38:43 Oh, we have a recent example here.

38:46 Fun.

38:47 We were going to be passing his brother's house on our way to run an errand. I decided to throw some roses that were ready to be cut in a vase and leave them on the porch for his sister-in-law. Just a little spontaneous friendly gesture. Nothing fancy. When I put them by the door as we were preparing to leave, he said, Wow, that one looks crazy. I barely acknowledged this, just kind of shrugged. Are you going to put a twine bow on this one? I recently put an amateur arrangement together for his mom where I did. And I said, nah.

39:17 He says, I think you wrapped the last one too many times. I think if you wrapped it twice, it would look better.

39:23 I think you should keep it to yourself.

39:24 His comment got in my head. and I ended up taking them back to the kitchen to rearrange them. He came into the kitchen and pointed out that one of the flowers was falling out. My eyes almost got stuck rolling to the back of my head. A couple hours later, when it was affecting my mood, I tried to talk to him about how that kind of interference when I'm doing something is what makes me feel like everything I'm doing is being scrutinized. I learned that he meant crazy as in good. He thought that I didn't like the bow on the last one, so he was just trying to help. Hey, buddy, you gotta add crazy good. That looks...

39:59 Why don't you just say great?

40:00 Well, I need to hear his tone, too. Like, his tone delivery.

40:05 Yeah.

40:06 Especially when this guy's always trying to correct things. Even if he said, like, a compliment, it'd probably sound like it's backhanded or like, oh.

40:13 That looks crazy.

40:14 Yeah.

40:14 Yeah.

40:15 I'm just trying to fight him and twist everything into being negative. What is sticking with me is the revelation that he sees issues with millions of things about me, but doesn't say anything. I worried about being with someone who sees millions of things I do is wrong. Am I viewing someone else's opinion as judgment? Am I seeing this clearly? Am I being too sensitive? A few other examples.

40:37 Did you get a lot done today versus how was your day or did you have a good day? These are the pants you wear when you want to look homeless, referring to a pair of pants that had a few stains I was wearing around the house. Hey.

40:49 I think we need to have a serious conversation, Opie, because if this was going on for two, they've been dating for two years. Two years, nonstop of this? Ooh, my cup has been overflowing.

41:00 Yeah, a little bit. I'd just be like, hey, why'd you say that? Do you think I like it when you say that?

41:05 Do you want me to nitpick you? I'll nitpick you.

41:07 Yeah, maybe it's time to give back the same energy. I like your hair best when you do big curls with the curling iron, and then I like it straight. And this, while pointing to my naturally wavy or curly hair, is when my baby does nothing. Okay?

41:22 Yeah. Me no likey this, as Jar Jar Pinks would say.

41:26 I put shorts on out of the dryer that were a little damp around the waistband. Oh no, these shorts are still wet. I don't want you to get sick or mess up your pH balance. Not sure what this even means.

41:37 That's... That's crazy, dude. That's effing crazy. That is wild.

41:44 That's wild. And I will say, I'm kind of concerned if you don't understand what he meant by that. I understand. You should probably understand. And he's out of pocket for saying that.

41:54 He's been out of pocket. Yeah.

41:56 I realize I might sound paranoid, and at this point I probably am. And there's an update nine months later. Girl, you don't sound paranoid at all. That sounds annoying.

42:03 You need to tell him, hey, don't like when you do that. Genuinely don't. There are times to say things and there are times not to say things. And you do it a lot of the time.

42:14 Yeah. This is like almost giving the same energy of like, oh, your makeup looks so good. Why do you take it off at the end of the day? Why don't you just sleep with it? Yeah. I don't want you to jump scare me if I wake up in the middle of the night, you know? I'm like, oh, who's this woman next to me? Oh, that's right.

42:30 Oh, album cover. Long time no see. We haven't got confirmation yet if he is on the spectrum, but... We kind of think, I mean, we assumed it at the beginning, but it's not right to assume.

42:44 I don't know. I'll put him on it.

42:46 There he is.

42:47 Put it. It's on the spectrum. Update nine months later. First, thank you to everyone who responded to my original post. I remember exactly how confused and mentally exhausted I was at that point. Reading the responses and having my feelings validated by a bunch of internet strangers gave me the confidence to know I wasn't being too sensitive. F that.

43:06 It also got me out of a constant state of rumination about what was happening to me and why I felt so off and not myself. And it led me to act. I told him I wanted space and that if we were both trying our best and our relationship felt like this, we had a huge problem. I also told him that at some point he had stopped treating me like his girlfriend and started treating me like a defective human being. And I was over it and wouldn't continue to invest my time and energy into someone who treated me this way. Those first few days I spent alone were like an effing vacation. I couldn't believe how amazing it felt to do simple everyday things without his constant interference and judgment.

43:44 It's the poking with like, just like a million tiny little pokes. Eventually you're going to pop. Yeah. It's just like little paper cuts.

43:54 Expiration by one million pokes. Yeah. At some point, I don't know. I'm just like, oh, can you not talk to me when you're like that?

44:04 You know?

44:05 I'm just like, I'm like, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Don't be around me when I do stuff. Close your eyes.

44:11 I would, yeah, I would just play his games of like, if you first have the conversation and he keeps doing it, I'm just like, all right, cool. Every time you say something, I'm going to say something back. It's not fun, is it?

44:22 At the same time, I did start to notice some of the things I was blaming him for being critical of me were really areas I was insecure in being critical of myself. I spent more time over the next few months investing in myself and improving certain areas of my life. Our relationship seemed to improve slightly over these next few months. The micromanaging and criticism really improved, or I had thought they improved. He might have just changed tactics.

44:49 I think he started triangulating and upping the ante with the innocent insults. I think I had also gotten better at dealing with it and probably lowered the bar. In the fall, I had my first ever sciatica flare-up. Oof. It was agonizing pain almost constantly.

45:06 Oof.

45:07 Ouch.

45:08 Let me guess. He said, you should probably fix that.

45:10 He was like, have you tried, I don't know, sitting differently?

45:12 Have you tried drinking water?

45:14 I usually drink some water.

45:17 Not even bad advice, though, you know?

45:19 Not bad advice.

45:20 It lasted eight weeks.

45:22 Oh, my gosh.

45:24 And I was trying everything. Physical therapy, anti-inflammatories, bio-freeze, ice, not moving. Powering through the pain, I noticed you didn't say drinking water.

45:32 None of that was water. Stretching?

45:35 He was over it all after a few weeks and started treating me like I was a lazy slob. I felt so scared and helpless about how much pain I was in and if it was ever going to get better or I would need surgery. The added stress of still trying to be a good partner was horrible. I'm not sure why this instance of his selfishness had more impact.

45:53 Because you were in excruciating pain.

45:56 Yeah, it was the a thousand pokes moment. Plus excruciating pain.

46:00 Fun. But I felt something change inside of me in a profound way. Of course, when I tried to talk to him about it, it went very poorly. The argument ended when he mocked me for crying and asked me why I couldn't talk to him like a normal person. Hey, buddy. Newsflash. You're not a normal person. You were built in a laboratory somewhere. You're the criticized bot. That's what you are.

46:24 You're an android.

46:25 Which one? Sixteen.

46:27 Whichever one's not the hot one.

46:29 That is all opinion. Probably Android 13. Which one did Krillin marry? 18.

46:33 Yeah, not that one.

46:36 17s, they're just twins. So it's 16. That's the big green one with the red hair. Shout out to my Dragon Ball fans.

46:42 I can't remember when it started, but I began to have physical responses during any kind of conflict with him. Sort of like a fight or flight response, maybe. My hands would start shaking. I start feeling overwhelmed and confused. My stomach is flipping. And eventually, the tears, they do start a-flowing.

47:00 Oh my god, she's turning into Super Saiyan 2. That's exactly what Gohan did. During the Cell games.

47:07 Power up and cry. This comment from my original post rings true. It seriously sounds like a low-key gateway to emotional mistreatment. I can't imagine his BS only starts and stops at just hacking away at OP's self-worth and then gaslighting her about what's happening. Those people get worse as the relationship goes on, not better. The BS certainly did not stop there. There were so many instances during our relationship where I felt he had lied to me. There were constant interactions where my instincts told me he was being inauthentic or he was hiding something or not giving me all the details. The addictions, the attention he gave women on social media, always needing someone to blame.

47:45 Wow. That's some extra frosting that we didn't get.

47:51 Maybe let's take a look in the mirror, buddy.

47:53 Not very yummy.

47:54 Let's look at the things that we're doing, okay?

47:57 No, he's definitely the type of guy who's like, he can criticize you every little thing, but you criticize one thing about him. Like, no, no, no, no, no. You don't see it as how I see it, you know?

48:06 I can't believe you would say something like that to me. Why would you do that? It's an almost embarrassing inability to take accountability. I still feel pretty conflicted about what I did, though. I went through his phone. I started by looking for a couple specific times in the beginning of our relationship where my mind had flagged something is off or a lie, but I had no idea why.

48:29 Like when he insisted we go drop a bottle of champagne off to a friend of his as a congratulations for getting a new job. At that time, I couldn't place what felt off about this. I looked at the text from this specific date, and now I know that we were really there to deliver some spicy flour. Mmm.

48:48 The booger.

48:49 What?

48:50 Some nose clams.

48:50 The booger sugar. Yes.

48:52 Oh, my God.

48:52 Champagne of the sinus. Don't do that, folks. When I was able to confirm what my instincts told me were lies, it was off to the races, and it was all pretty bad. He was on Tinder for the first six months we were together, Bumble for nine, and Plenty of Fish for 11. Oh, my God. This guy's triple dipping in the apps.

49:11 They're not going well for him.

49:12 So we can just- Yeah, because he probably hyper-criticizes everyone. He's like, mm, that photo?

49:17 Pretty ugly photo you have there.

49:18 Yeah.

49:19 Yeah, it's like- been with a fish.

49:21 His hobby is just like taking pot shots at people on the apps just to make them feel bad.

49:26 100%.

49:26 Ugh. All texts with other women were deleted. There's been secret use of illicit substances. It's hard to even remember everything, but I tried to just confirm what I had felt to be lies. There's definitely a ton of anger and sadness, but more than anything else, I felt relief. Everything my instincts have been telling me since the beginning have been accurate and I have been fighting a losing battle against them.

49:51 It felt freeing. Why have I continued in this relationship in spite of my instincts for two and a half years and endless stress and chaos? This is a great question you should unpack in therapy, big dog. I really, that is.

50:06 That's the question.

50:07 That's the question. My hair. Has been thinning since the three-month mark in our relationship. Dang. I have had brain fog and memory problems, despite being known for my iron trap memory. It's a steel trap, girl. I'm sorry. Yeah.

50:23 Wow.

50:23 You're just like her boyfriend.

50:26 You know who you sound like? Her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.

50:28 That's tough.

50:29 This girl has been talking about how she hates when people nitpick her, and you're like, actually.

50:35 Erm, actually. Erm, actually is a steel trap.

50:37 I mean, I, you know, couldn't keep it inside. I've had sleeping issues, weight fluctuations. My body has been physically rejecting this relationship. Somehow, I either couldn't admit that it was him or I was really that out of it. I'm starting to try and unwind it all in therapy. I have had three sessions so far, and I'm scheduled weekly for the foreseeable future. What I've learned so far is I was taught to not trust my feelings as a child by my dad. who is very likely a self-absorbed individual. I'm really excited to work on my toxic patterns and behaviors in therapy and make the relationship I have with myself better and my priority. We've been living in separate bedrooms for a couple weeks. The initial confrontation

51:19 was horrible and I hurled some really rough insults and names at him. A few weeks ago, I was thinking that I would have a final discussion about why we were breaking up and the logistics of him moving out, blah, blah, blah. It still almost felt like I was going to have to convince him that this was a good enough reason to break up. Holy moly, how is he still in the house? Didn't you say he has his own apartment?

51:42 Why is he still in your life? I know we're very close. You see the light. I guarantee you. You said 12 days without him felt like a vacation?

51:53 Yeah.

51:53 Imagine your life without him forever.

51:56 Yes.

51:57 Oof, sounds nice.

51:58 You are fully, like... If he's not on the lease of your place, you are fully within the right to be like, you get out in 12 hours or I call the police and they drag you out of here.

52:13 The weight off your shoulders. Once you get out of this relationship, you're probably going to be floating to the moon. It's going to feel like it. So dump him.

52:23 Well, let's finish this story. After a deadline for work is over in the next couple of days, I'm going to tell him the relationship is over because I want it to be. And I do. I'm going to offer to pay for movers so I have an exact date he will be gone. I'm nervous about his reaction and scared of what he might say to hurt me, but I have never been more certain I'm making the right decision so I know I'll be able to handle whatever happens. Oh, and one more thing. In my original post, I played dumb about what he was insinuating when commenting about the shorts with the wet waistband. I was so paranoid at the time. I wanted to see if other people came to the same conclusion that I had. When I reread

53:01 my post, that stuck out to me as sad.

53:03 No, no, it's okay. It's okay. You're fine.

53:05 That was honestly, again, that was my biggest concern. I was like, holy crap, girl, if you don't know about pH, you might want to go, I don't know, read up a little bit, but hey.

53:14 He's talking about water pH levels.

53:16 He's like, yeah, I think we need to call a utility company.

53:19 Yeah, I know.

53:23 You're not going to drink that, right?

53:26 Yeah.

53:27 I think that's an insane decision. But, you know, again, it's like if he's not on the lease, it's like you've got X amount of time where you get out of here. Maybe if you're afraid of your safety, definitely have the others around. Or maybe just break your lease and disappear.

53:53 I think Opie's got it. I think Opie's fine. That is the end of that story, though.

53:57 Hey, it's Carly, your favorite Jersey girl here. We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

54:05 My boyfriend treated me like a maid in our home and never saw a problem. Is he blind? I, female 29, recently moved to a new state with my boyfriend, male 31, because I started PhD school. He moved with me back to the area he's from, actually, and we've been living together since July. It's been rough. When we first moved into our apartment... I did almost all of the unpacking since he was working full-time, and I hadn't started school yet.

54:30 There are still a few boxes laying around containing some of his odds and ends. I didn't unpack those because I wasn't sure where he wanted them. He still has not dealt with them, and they're currently stacked under his computer desk.

54:41 Fun.

54:42 I unpacked and set up all his other stuff, including his clothing, desk, etc. In October, my parents wanted to come and visit over my fall break. Boyfriend was not very happy that they wanted to stay in our guest room slash computer room because he acquiesced after I asked multiple times. I really needed a yes or a no if they could stay with us so they could book a hotel if they needed to. In preparation for their visit, I did a lot of cleaning. And by the way, this comes from user throwawayyeahyeah4. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime subreddit.

55:16 I'm Keon.

55:17 Yeah, yeah is the best Sandlot character. I'm Dakota.

55:20 I'm Sophia.

55:20 It's Benny the Jet Rodriguez, actually. But let us know in the comments down below who your favorite Sandlot character is. As Opie says, the apartment hadn't really been clean since we moved in, and I did a first round deep cleaning. It was kind of gross when we moved in. Boyfriend did not help at all. Granted, I do have a more flexible schedule, but for part of the time... He sat in the living room playing video games while I cleaned.

55:45 Were you just, like, vacuuming? You're like, all right, lift your legs. Oh, sorry. And he's like, get out of the way. I'm trying to play Skyrim for the fifth time.

55:51 Hmm.

55:53 Ah, I fear we have a game goon on our hands here.

55:59 I fear you're living with a 13-year-old boy.

56:02 Uh-oh.

56:03 Up we get to you saying, this is actually how those boxes of his ended up under his desk. I needed a place to tuck away his clutter. Two or three weeks later, our bathroom was getting pretty gross. Growing mold in the shower, etc. I asked him if he'd help me clean it over the weekend, and he told me, Uh, no, you can do it. It's not like it takes very long.

56:22 You do the things you care about, and I'll do the things I care about.

56:26 You don't care about anything, bro. You don't care about mold in the shower. You don't care about nothing.

56:32 I go, okay, cool. What do you care about?

56:35 Yeah. Let's list off the stuff you care about. Fun little thought experiment.

56:42 This sparked a fight where he said he did other things around the apartment, like cooking. That is true. He does cook, but he cooks meat. Meat is not a balanced meal for me, so, you know, I still cook veggies for myself. His division of labor, we only do the things we care about, is very crappy. He did end up wiping the mold in the shower with a washcloth and leaving it on the side of the bathtub for a week until I finally dealt with it.

57:08 O.P., Okay.

57:10 Opie even says, sigh.

57:12 Yeah, no, it's like immediate, like, ew, gross. How old are we? Like, you know, are we 19? Maybe I'd give that, okay, you're a brand new person and you don't understand that that's not how you do things.

57:31 You should go, hey, I did you a huge favor. There was dust in your gaming console. I'd wash it out for you. I care about the cleanliness of this house, so I just washed it out for you. I put it in the dishwasher. Obi continued saying, sometime later, I asked if he could start wiping his pee off the toilet seat when it dripped.

57:50 Come on, dude.

57:52 He said, I care about that. I leave that for later.

57:56 I like to mark my territory. I'm leaving my pheromones out.

58:00 For you to smell. He sulked for a day and didn't really talk to me. And then in a sort of joking but it isn't funny way, kept saying, you don't love me enough to wipe my pee? Dude, dude, I'm wiping it in your face. Wiping it with a wipe in your face. Here's a fastball. Here's a curveball. I learned a splitter in your face.

58:19 And it's also like, yeah, no, I don't. I'm not your mom. You're looking for a mama. I'm not your mom.

58:25 I tried to bring up the, we only do things we care about issue a few weeks after all of this. I told him I was having some doubts. He immediately asked me if I was moving out. I wasn't prepared for that escalation, so I tried to back up and explain that by his logic, what if we have a house next year? Because he wants to buy one, and he doesn't care about yard maintenance. Would that mean that I'm responsible for both all of the cleaning and all of the yard maintenance? I wouldn't have time to do all of that because of PhD school. His solution was that we should just keep renting the apartment. Then I asked, what if we have kids? And he doesn't care about changing poopy diapers. When I brought up kids, he told me,

59:05 I'm not the one who bails on my responsibilities. He was referencing a fight we had last year. For the sake of brevity, I won't get into it here, but I posted under a different throwaway about that. If you search me, 28 female, with boyfriend, 30 male, and two kittens, three months, you'll find it. It's probably somewhere. We probably read it. And we probably told you what to do.

59:25 It's somewhere out there.

59:26 We probably said, hey, break up with this guy.

59:30 Yeah, this is, uh, we're in Breakup City, dude. This is Breakupopolis.

59:37 I'll be, I should be Amber hurting the bed and be like, you know what? I pooped in the bed.

59:42 There was.

59:42 You okay with that?

59:44 A load.

59:46 This guy's gross. This guy's very gross. So that shut the whole thing down. And our division of labor is still, we only do things we care about. It's not working for me, and he was not receptive to the feedback I tried to give him about my doubts. It's also not really about the cleaning, per se. I know we could hire a housekeeper, but I don't think that would fix the root of my issue. I can't quite pinpoint what my issue is, and I think you can, but there's something here that's causing me to question the relationship.

1:00:15 Yeah, he doesn't care about it.

1:00:19 I just can't put my finger on it.

1:00:22 What?

1:00:23 What is it?

1:00:24 I can't put my finger on it. There's too much mold between me.

1:00:28 I just don't know.

1:00:30 I'm dating someone that is a child and is lazy and disgusting and doesn't respect me.

1:00:38 You put your finger on it.

1:00:39 Extrapolate this out. You're pregnant. He's like, I don't care that I'm not pregnant. Why do I have to care about that? You should take care of that. Yeah.

1:00:48 Opie, the fact that you brought up the future of like, what if we had kids and that didn't bother you? That if you did have kids with this guy, it'd be chaos?

1:00:59 He would let mold grow on them?

1:01:01 That's the new rub dirt on it. Rub mold on it. Gross. Opie continues saying, I found a new therapist in my area, and I'm planning to work on this with her. I'd like for him to come as well, but I don't think he would be willing.

1:01:16 Okay, I think the fundamental problem with this is that Like people just like, I think, perceive like, oh, well, if if my relationship doesn't work out, it means that I did something wrong or something like it. I failed like I couldn't make it work. It's like you don't want to don't make it work with this guy.

1:01:35 You should do you should find a new guy who actually is very clean and actually respects you and be like, I found something that works for me, you know, because I care about myself. I'll do what I care about. I found a guy who cares about me.

1:01:47 Oh, well.

1:01:48 Obi continues saying, I'm wondering what others think about this situation. If anyone has been in a similar situation, what did you do? Is there some example language I could incorporate next time I bring this up? I'm also a little scared to bring it up without having a solid contingency plan in case it goes straight to moving out again.

1:02:05 I mean, at this point, if I moved out, at least me and the cats could live in a clean environment and I wouldn't feel like I'm his maid. As a final note, I by no means need my home to be an A plus on the cleaning scale. I can handle some mess, but this has been downright gross. And we have an update. Mmm, I like this. Opie says, I ended things a little over a month ago.

1:02:27 Yeah.

1:02:28 Yeah.

1:02:28 F yeah.

1:02:29 Yeah. Yeah.

1:02:30 Woohoo!

1:02:31 And things have simultaneously been terrible and amazing. Let's find out why things have been amazing and terrible at the same time.

1:02:39 I want to know what this curveball is. What are we talking about? It should just be great.

1:02:42 Yeah.

1:02:43 I asked him if he would be willing to go to therapy with me, and guess what?

1:02:47 He refused. Thank goodness.

1:02:49 He told me when we first started dating that he would never go to therapy, and I assumed he'd change his mind, at some point because he would care enough about me and our relationship to work through the hard things in counseling. We see this all the time on this sub, but really, when people tell you who they are, believe them. Refusing to go to therapy really left me with the two choices of staying and having nothing change and being unhappy, or just leaving. I opted to leave even though it was scary. And so, so hard.

1:03:20 Yeah, well, it's nowhere near as hard as spending the rest of your life with that guy.

1:03:24 It's like ripping off the band-aid. You're like, oh, it might hurt a little bit, but it's going to be like, just rip it off. Don't do it slowly.

1:03:31 Rip it. You did. You chose wisely.

1:03:33 Beyblade it. Let it rip. So, the initial heartbreak is starting to fade.

1:03:38 Good.

1:03:39 And I'm working on rediscovering myself. I know that I did the right thing for myself, but it was also the hard thing. And sometimes you have to do the hard things. to get in the good places.

1:03:49 It's true.

1:03:50 Also, what is that? I always quote Joey Bass. The best things in life are on the opposite side of fear. It's true.

1:03:57 Opie, imagine this. If you stayed, you would have been just up. You already were at your wit's end, but you would have been cleaning up his pee stains and mold and just making, probably wiping his butt too. That sounds awful.

1:04:11 I mean, he literally is like the textbook, like, just wants a mom. Doesn't want a girlfriend, wants a mom.

1:04:19 Yes.

1:04:19 That's the end of that story.