My mother-in-law STOLE our wedding money… to build her own house! -r/motherinlawsfromhell | Reddit Stories | EP3090

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0:10 My mother-in-law stole our wedding money to build her own house.

0:14 Hey, that's ours!

0:17 Today, I ended the Cold War with this woman. You single-handedly ended the Cold War. Thank you for your service.

0:25 I was gonna say that.

0:27 My mother-in-law probably has NPD. For two years, she tried to convince herself and my dear husband that he wasn't truly in love with me, only my money. LOL. Then she stole every wedding gift meant for us and built herself a nicer house. When we confronted her, the lies multiplied like roaches. I wanted permanent no contact the moment the wedding ended. Dear husband drowned in guilt. Everyone else begged us to forgive and forget to just preserve the family facade. Today, I finally said enough. I sent her the raw truth that I'd been hiding in my notes for months, and I feel so good, like a big weight off my shoulder. I was literally dancing from the relief. So, quick context. She's widowed, and dear husband and brother-in-law never

1:15 knew their father, who passed away when they were babies. She weaponizes this as the archetype of a struggling single mother, though she had extended family support, so the narrative isn't entirely accurate. She thinks the world revolves around her. And in retrospect, I was the first real threat to her kingdom.

1:34 I like how OP writes. OP, you seem fun.

1:37 So dramatic, but it's... But it's true.

1:40 Yes.

1:41 By the way, this comes from user UnfairPiglet9730. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime subreddit. I'm Keon.

1:49 And I'm Savannah.

1:50 And we're Goofy Goobers. Look at us. We don't know everything. Does it look like we do? Because we don't. So we only know what we do. Let us know what you do in the comments down below as OP says. When we decided to get married, dear husband first showed her my photo. I was abroad. Are you still now?

2:07 Her reaction is, she's fat. She'll struggle with fertility. Dear husband then lied to me for weeks that she was happy. Ashamed of her response before finally coming clean. I fly home for Christmas and we go to dinner with dear husband, brother-in-law, and mother-in-law. I bring two beautiful clothing items as gifts.

2:24 She brings nothing. Says exactly two short sentences, one being, happy to meet you, then takes a pass at dear husband for choosing a bar for dinner. Dear husband tells her he's proposing, and she melts down. She says, too soon. You don't really love her. It's her money. Somehow, she convinced herself I was very wealthy, which I'm not. I just started working at a young age. She loves to hide money, while my family's perspective is that money is enjoyed and is shared. Not hoarded. Dear husband begs for her support and gets months of gaslighting, saying, I love you, but I still have doubts. Our traditional ceremonies revolve a lot around parents, so her absence was, it was felt.

3:06 She refuses to meet my parents on the proposal day, despite agreeing earlier, and refuses to attend the engagement dinner her side was supposed to throw, likely asking other family just not to come. The only person that shows up from my dear husband's side is brother-in-law. We give her a silent two-month deadline and book everything anyway, ready to proceed without her. Three months after dates are locked, she demands that I visit. In front of her family and friends, she lies that we got engaged without telling her and thanks us for finally making it right. Mind you, she is a church deacon, so the lying took me by surprise, but I took it for the peace. Take pause there.

3:46 What is your husband doing?

3:48 Yeah, is he just like not reacting to any of this?

3:51 That's just how she is. That's just my mom. That's how my mommy is.

3:56 Oh, disrespectful and annoying. Got it.

3:59 Her only real contribution to planning was lobbying us not to have booze at the wedding. My parents made it clear it was our choice, and they supported whatever we wanted. So, OP titles this The Theft. In our culture, a wedding is usually 100% funded through your community. Relatives collect the money for you, and we announced every single contribution in a group. My side came through with sacrifices and raised $ 20, 000.

4:23 Every cent announced with gratitude. That's crazy. For context, the guy's family should do the most. Mother-in-law said she'd handle her side, so here's the first batch. 2,000 collected. She transfers about 1.7K, shares the list like a saint, then silence. No more money. No more list. And we kept asking.

4:44 She says, it's coming. Meanwhile, she quietly starts a full house building project five months before the wedding. When we share what's needed to pay vendors, she gives nothing. We later learned it all went into her new house. So she took, she only gave you about 1.7. Let's say 1.7 to 2K. And she said, you'll get more. The rest of it went to her house, Savannah. What do you do?

5:09 I'm so pissed. I'd be like, actually, that's not your money.

5:13 What are you doing?

5:14 I would immediately confront her. And I would also talk to the husband and be like, why are you saying nothing?

5:20 I'd be like, oh my gosh, you're giving us a house? A brand new house for our wedding? That's so nice of you.

5:27 Yeah.

5:28 Yeah.

5:29 So again, we later learned it all went to her new house. It was the foundation, walls, roof, marble counters. Thousands gone. Yet she filled half of our wedding hall with friends dear husband doesn't even know and had us over capacity. She announced quite loudly that this was her wedding as well and has a crazy crying session during the ceremony to just steal the show. And she didn't even wear the outfits rented for the wedding party because she thought I was giving her bad stuff. So, on the day, we fell short about $ 1, 500, which she asked her sister to give us. We thought this was redemptive, only for her to ask us from our honeymoon to pay the sister back. That was the final straw. So, we confronted her, hoping she'd offer to pay the sister

6:16 back from our stolen money. Of course, she didn't, and her excuses kept changing. And we have a lie list.

6:23 You ready?

6:23 Oh. Lie number one. Mother-in-law says,' Which money?' The wedding left me in debt. We showed receipts. She never paid a single vendor. Lie number two. She says, I built this for your disabled mom so she'd more easily visit. My mom was fine visiting her old house. And LOL, she never made time for a visit anyway. Lie number three.

6:47 Full meltdown, tears, and snot.

6:49 Yummy.

6:50 She says, I did it for you, OP. You wouldn't be embarrassed when people found out where your mother-in-law lives. OP's answer? Nope, nobody cared. Her old house was perfectly fine. She lies like breathing, and raised your husband to think lies are kindness. As a deacon who preaches truth every Sunday, the hypocrisy was crazy to me. Every time we sit down to talk about it, zero remorse, more gaslighting. She goes on saying, you're exaggerating. I sacrificed for you. You're keeping me from my son. Like I said, I'm 99% sure...

7:23 She has NPD. She even tries to turn brother-in-law and other family against us. I caught off contact and haven't met with her for 10 months now. We invited her to our wedding anniversary, and she again brought a stranger to a limited seating intimate lunch. When she noticed she was the only one without a gift, she's never given me anything to date, she asked to speak and promised us a gift in front of everyone. Is it the house that she built? Probably not.

7:47 Yeah, I doubt it.

7:49 Opie continues saying, of course, it never came. No gift ever came. I want full, permanent, no contact with her. I want blocked numbers, no holidays, no future kids ever meeting her until she repays every cent, hands over the donor list, and gets real therapy. And forever if she never does. I want her gone forever. So, last time dear husband talked with her, alone, she agreed to apologize in a letter. I made it clear I'd never be in the same room with her until she changes. So, last week, she reached out asking me to come over.

8:21 I replied asking about what? And she said a mother and daughter have much to talk about. But I was just done. I sent her my full thoughts and let dear husband know. My husband's reply is, good that you let it out. Your peace and comfort is what matters most to me, babe. This man is an angel and I don't know how he emerged from her.

8:40 Any advice? Well, I mean, you.

8:43 Can do what you're doing right now. Just have contact through your husband. You don't owe her anything. I wouldn't believe a word she says. And I'd be like, hey, hubby. Get the money from her. Give her, give him the list that you told us. And I think that's all fine. You have no reason to continue talking to her and deal with her.

9:01 I don't think she's ever going to respect you in the way that you want. I don't think she's ever going to not give excuses. I feel like that's her go-to is just like excuse after excuse after excuse. It's like, all right, cool. But when the excuses, when you've run out of excuses, we need you to give the money back.

9:21 I'd be like, all right, hubby, if we're going to go have a conversation with her, I'm bringing a lie detector.

9:26 Yeah, it's just frustrating to try to do anything with someone like that because.

9:31 They don't... It's talking to a brick wall.

9:34 Yeah, they're never going to see it from your perspective. It's just going to all be in one ear, out the other. There is no talking to them, no understanding whatsoever.

9:46 Zero respect, too.

9:48 Truthfully, with these types of people, you just have to Outright say, listen, we need the money. If you're not going to give us the money, we are going no contact or we are going to sue you or we are going... you know like something something.

10:01 Something update i tried to go no contact and initially agreed on it with dear husband but when it came time to sign a mini agreement he completely broke down in tears mainly over losing his only living parent so we left it there he chooses not to see her so far but admitted recently that he does miss her We agreed he should read adult children of emotionally immature parents.

10:24 He started, found out he was an internalizer, and sent me notes on patterns he recognized in himself, like lack of accountability, timing issues, and lying to get out of situations. And then he stopped reading. The fallout since has been brutal. My husband went into silent resentment mode for the last three months. He withheld passion and intimacy, going through the motions of carrying a, you know, a good day text, coffee before I wake, without any of it. no spicy sleep initiation either. He started hanging out a lot with brother-in-law, who's heavily influenced by their mother-in-law. So with Friday outings, where he comes home at 4 a.m. and sleeps through the hangover all day, stealing our quality time.

11:02 Uh-oh.

11:03 He swears he isn't doing this to hurt me and didn't hear me crying every night for 10 days straight. He agreed in words to read books and do the Gottman love maps exercise with me. But there's zero follow-through. Any request to step up gets twisted into me telling him to man up. When I pointed out this is probably the issues with his mom, which he now wishes we'd just swept under the rug, he said I make everything about that, and was mad that I criticized his childhood.

11:30 We finally agreed to a trial separation, except he didn't want separation houses yet, especially when I made it clear he'd be the one moving out. He just suggested separate bedrooms, then asked for a week to try and fix things while looking for accommodations. Is there ever a good ending to a trial separation like this? Especially when the trigger was no contact with a self-absorbed parent and one partner is resisting all growth work? Opie asks, Has anyone seen the resistant spouse finally wake up and do the work once they felt real consequences? Had it turned into a slow, painful divorce but felt relief once you finally moved out?

12:06 Had any red flags or green flags I should watch for the next one to three months? I'm so tired of being the only one rowing the boat.

12:15 It just stinks because you try to make him more aware of what was going on, and I think that really brought up a lot of trauma for him, and he does not have an outlet for that. Instead, he's trying to think of ways to deal with it, and I think right now he's so overwhelmed with that because he realizes now, oh, the only parent figure that I had is... you know, has been mistreating me my entire life or whatever. So it's like having that big realization when you're an adult is really, really hard to cope with.

12:47 And then also not having a good relationship with, you know, said mistreater, you can never get that closure, you know? And I feel like what he's doing now is he, he knows what's happening. He's read the books. He's like informed himself. He is now relating it to his life, going through all these things, but he is not projecting all of his like insecurities and discoveries about himself he's projecting all of that out because he's like well now I know what it is and it just frustrates me and it's coming out at OP OP I don't think that you've done anything wrong you just want you know you want him to be happy with his life and you want him to be happy with you and this mother is getting.

13:33 In the way so uh oh update two He's been seeing his mom and lying about it. Update three. As many are asking, we told Klaus' family on his side about the stealing. They agreed it wasn't okay and said they'd help, only to later ask us to forget about it after they'd talked with her to no avail. Which means basically, she's a terrible woman. But learn to live with it. Update four. My husband moved out two days ago.

14:03 But the night before, we had a very long conversation where he was quite tipsy. He confirmed what I'd long suspected. He's back in his original family fold and trying to justify me as the problem to reconcile with them. He asked me why I sent a nasty message to his mom, that she's now showing it to the family to prove how bad I am. The very same message he applauded me for sending it last year, which he couldn't remember we discussed and reviewed.

14:28 Dang, this is sad. The whole thing is... I feel like she made him realize, but he doesn't want to... It's kind of picking and choosing, do I want to be on the right side or the wrong side? And he is like, well, I've done the wrong side my entire life, and I'm used to it, so I don't want to change.

14:43 You know what this feels like? A tug of war.

14:45 Yeah.

14:46 There's a little bit left here. Let's go ahead and finish it up. Opie continues saying, but the universe has a weird way of working. Amid a wave of emotion... I found and showed him the text where he endorsed that message and emphasized my comfort was his priority. Thank God he can't gaslight me on this. I asked him to apologize now that he sees the text. He didn't.

15:08 He also can't believe me when I say there's no way she'd show an undoctored message, which would reveal her stealing. We do have a therapy session tomorrow, but it does feel like this is the end. I need to come to terms that he is two people. The person he wanted to be with me, and was for a while, but who requires a lot of effort. and the person he was most of his life, with his a-hole mom.

15:30 Other family on his side have shared their own horror stories of what mother-in-law did to them. The fact that they'll all accept that she's a monster, but feel there's nothing they can do is exactly why I don't want to be a part of this family anymore. I once believed your husband was the unique one out of that fold, but I was mistaken indeed. And that is the end of that story.

15:48 Dang!

15:50 I'm sorry, OP. I mean, at least you get out of it now, rather than just continuing to be lied to. and manipulated through her, through him. You know what? Let him be manipulated by his mom. You cannot save him because he does not want to be saved. And that's the end of this story. We're good to go. On to the next one.

16:09 My mother-in-law gifted a plant that broke our garden plan, so I said no.

16:15 That's not very green of her.

16:18 My partner and I are in the process of doing a full renovation of our backyard. We have made a lot of compromises about the direction we are doing to ensure we both get some of what we want. My part of the bargain is that the small garden space we do have will be dedicated to entirely native plants that help support the local ecosystem. I am somebody who is very passionate about native gardening. In my area, we have a nitrogen pollution crisis and population declines of birds and pollinators in that region. I have completely planned out a garden we will be planting in the fall of native plants that will thrive in the soil we have without any amendments or fertilizers, all of which support pollinators

17:01 and birds throughout the year, won't require any watering beyond rainfall once established in the ground, and will look beautiful. I compromised a lot on how big the gardens would be, among other things, on the guarantee that we would maintain a fully native garden. My partner and I even had discussions about how gifted plants would not be an exception to this. By the way, this comes from JackfruitAwkward7504, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I'm Savannah.

17:29 I'm Keon.

17:30 And we're here to give some good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We'd only tell you what we would do, so let us know what you would do down in the comments. As Opie says, fast forward to my partner's birthday. His parents gifted him cash, but his mom is the type who wants to always include a small physical gift. And this time she chose to gift him with an ornamental grass to plant in the garden we are building. Not only is the plant not one of the plants that's been selected for the garden, it's not native. It would require us to amend the soil we have to support it. It does nothing to support local wildlife. and its sun requirements would stipulate rearranging the whole garden plan in order to accommodate it. It's

18:10 a small plant that only costs a few bucks. I have previously had multiple conversations with mother-in-law about the gardens we are planting, why it's important to me to have a native garden, etc. Well, when she gifted the plant, I researched what we would need to do in order to keep this as a house plant, what window it had to go in, and checked to make sure it was non-toxic to my cat. I set up for success in our south-facing window, and even my cat loves it. Well, she has now protested this, stating that it's meant to be an outside plant, so it should go in the garden we are putting together. I explained how it doesn't fit the criteria for our gardens we had discussed, so it wouldn't be going there, but we were happy to

18:52 keep it as a houseplant where it could still thrive.

18:54 I hope she understands.

18:57 Yeah, I feel like this is not really a big issue. Like... I don't know.

19:03 She just, she wants to be a part of your thing. I guess if you could have like sent her something, but you had it all planned. Like she wasn't in the plans and that's on her. If she gets mad, she knows that you have a plan. You know, you have a plan. Your husband knows you have a plan. So it's like, or your partner knows you have a plan.

19:22 So like, I don't understand why it's, you know, she's making it a huge deal about nothing.

19:27 I hope he just doesn't like, great that you're doing this. I love this huge green thumb you are. But she needs to understand it doesn't belong there. I like the consideration. Thank you for your consideration. Maybe give her a list of what plants you guys do have or what she could get next time to add if she really wants to be a part of that ecosystem or that, you know, your lovely, you know, planting ideas. But that plant's not one of them.

19:58 Yeah, truthfully, I think she definitely wanted to help. And just say she had like a part in it because she sees how passionate you are and she wants to help you out. But it just, you know, she didn't buy the right things and it just wasn't the right criteria for what you needed. Which is not bad, but then she can't get mad when she didn't buy, you know, the things that you need for what you have envisioned in your mind for what you want. And that's not anyone's fault. I feel, you know, she could have asked me like, oh, what do you need? What do you need?

20:26 But I'm sure OP, you seem like you have it all down and you would want to pick them out and you would want to buy it and all this stuff. It seemed like you were very set in stone in what you want. So I don't understand why she would be like, here's a random plant. Here you go. And also it's not like you just threw it away or it was just like, oh, sorry, we can't have that.

20:45 You know, it's just an inside. It's just a house plant.

20:48 You go, hey, there are outside plants and inside plants. Very easy.

20:54 My partner is on my side about this, as we did have multiple conversations and agreements about this, and he recognizes the compromises I've made to make sure he has all the concrete patio and lawn space he wants, so he wants to hold up his end of the deal. But it clearly has hurt his mom's feelings, as she was really hoping to have a plant she gifted him put into the garden, which makes me feel like an a-hole.

21:19 Just give her a list. Just give her a list of plants that you can have outside.

21:22 I don't think she's an a-hole. And also, give her, you know, maybe if she wants to help, be like, oh, if you want to come over and, you know, help us plant.

21:29 I'd be scared. I'd be scared of someone that doesn't know what they're doing.

21:33 Well, I don't know.

21:34 You can get like, Like decor or something.

21:37 I would give her a list of things that you do need.

21:39 Yeah, if she really truly wants to help.

21:42 I don't know.

21:42 I don't think that it's a bad thing. You're still using it. So I think this is all on her. You're doing what you want. It's your house. You can do what you want. Yeah, it's your garden.

21:52 This is your passion project. Only you and your husband should be doing your passion project. Until it's done and you know, oh, people can go around it. And that's the end of this story. We're going to go on to the next one. My boyfriend invited his friend on our couple's trip, so I invited mine as well.

22:08 I guess if we're just inviting whoever we want.

22:10 It's a friend's trip now. I've been sitting on this for a week because my boyfriend is still upset with me about it. My boyfriend and I planned a trip together, just the two of us. About a month before, he asked if his best friend Marcus can join, since Marcus was going through a rough time and needed a break.

22:27 Okay, a break, not with us. Take a break, away from us.

22:33 I wasn't thrilled, but I agreed because I wanted to be supportive. When we started discussing costs, Marcus assumed we split everything three ways, including the accommodation that I had already booked and partially paid for on my own card before he was even invited. I pointed that out and he said he needed to cover his share of the room going forward, but the initial deposit was already split between me and my boyfriend. Marcus got annoyed and made a comment that I was being petty about money and that this is why couples should not invite outsiders if they are going to make them feel like a burden.

23:04 My boyfriend laughed it off.

23:06 This is why you shouldn't have tried to join our couple trip. Also, I don't fully understand what OP just did.

23:13 Me neither.

23:13 Yeah, so he says let's split three ways and then she's like, no.

23:17 I already paid for it.

23:19 I don't understand.

23:19 So you still can't split that?

23:22 Yeah, just say like, okay, this is what you would, this is the cost that you'd be splitting with us.

23:26 Yeah, I don't see the issue. Yeah, it's a very just like, okay, cool.

23:31 Weird.

23:32 By the way, this comes from user Vena Silver. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Keon.

23:38 I'm Sophia. And I'm Savannah.

23:40 And we're here to give good advice goofily. It's okay. We only make mistakes sometimes. That's all we do. We all, we all, we're all human here. We don't know everything. We only know what we do. So let's know what you do in the comments down below. Please. As Opie says. So I told Marcus calmly that if he felt like a burden, maybe it wasn't the right trip for him.

23:59 He took that as me uninviting him and told my boyfriend I punted him out. Now my boyfriend is saying I was too harsh and that Marcus was already having a hard time. I did not explicitly uninvite him, but I'm not going to chase him either. My boyfriend thinks I owe Marcus an apology. I don't think I do.

24:15 Am I the a-hole?

24:16 Honestly, you should have said no in the first place.

24:18 Yeah.

24:19 You should have said no in the first place. You definitely did uninvite him. I agree that he should not go on this trip. I think it's weird. But like, if someone said, maybe you shouldn't come if you feel like a burden, that's an uninvite.

24:31 Not that it's not reasonable.

24:33 This all just seems very petty. I think everyone is just being petty here and not knowing how to communicate properly.

24:38 Like in the future, just OP, just say, I don't want him to come on our trip. Maybe we can do another trip with him. This was supposed to be our thing.

24:45 Yeah, your boyfriend should have been like, hey, Marcus is having a rough time.

24:48 Can I do something with him?

24:50 When I get back or like... It's weird. Yeah, this is all weird. We have some comments.

24:56 Oh boy.

24:57 Commenter LP, I need clarity on something. Were you telling Marcus not to worry about his portion of the deposit because it was already paid? If so, I'm not understanding his reaction. Opie says, What? Commenter replying to that says, Wait, he wanted to split everything three ways, but you were arguing that the deposit was already split with your boyfriend, so he'd only pay for his share going forward? So wasn't he trying to give you more money? Why would you not want him to pay a third of the total cost? I feel like I'm missing something here, which we are too.

25:43 Yeah, it was approached very strangely.

25:46 Opie says, Fair point. And I see the confusion. The issue wasn't the math. It was that he assumed he was coming at all without even asking if I was okay with it, and then acted like I was being difficult when I explained how the deposit worked. The entitlement of the whole thing is what got me, not the number specifically. That didn't clear anything for me.

26:05 I didn't clear anything up for me, OP.

26:07 If anything, that added more confusion.

26:08 Honestly, I think he might've just been confused.

26:11 OP just went, I drew this much clearer for you, right?

26:13 Yeah. No.

26:14 Honestly, if we're this confused, like everyone seems to be confused. I think the friend was also confused. I think Marcus was confused too. And he was like, this is weird. Why are you reacting this way?

26:24 Yeah.

26:25 He was like, you guys invited me on your trip last minute. I'm more than happy to split it. Three ways.

26:30 Yeah, I don't know.

26:31 Maybe he was confused.

26:32 I need to hear how Opie delivered it, too. Because imagine being like, hey, I want to split it three ways. And you'd be like, no, it's already been paid for, so just pay for whatever's going forward. I'd be like, what?

26:43 Yeah.

26:43 Update three days later without any, with more confusion than clarity. So I had the conversation with my boyfriend. I told him calmly that I felt blindsided by the Marcus invite, that his laughing off the comment hurt me, and that I needed to understand why his first instinct was to invite a friend on what was supposed to be a couple's trip. My boyfriend got defensive at first, said I was making a big deal out of nothing and that he just wanted to help a friend. When I pushed on the laughing thing specifically, he didn't really have an answer.

27:13 Just said he didn't think it was that serious. And that told me a lot, honestly.

27:17 Okay?

27:19 Weird. Weird.

27:20 I think we're taking things way too, we're reading into things way too much. Yeah.

27:24 It does seem Duchess, yeah, Duchess Cassandra is saying, did OP's boyfriend invite Marcus on the trip without OP's input?

27:30 Yes.

27:32 It seems like what happened is OP said, hey, Marcus, do you want to come on this trip? And then went to OP and said, hey, I invited Marcus. Are you okay with that? And then OP was like, um, I guess. And then Marcus was like, all right, we're going to split three ways. And OP was like, actually, just pay for three ways going forward. And he was like, what the frick?

27:53 I want to hear how OP said it. Because Marcus replied with, couples trips, I didn't want to be a burden. And then OP said, yeah, okay, that is a burden. Yeah. Yeah. And then Opie's boyfriend laughed it off.

28:08 I think we're missing information.

28:11 Some context or what's going on.

28:13 A whopping info dump.

28:16 Yeah, this, it's not, I mean, it's kind of adding, but not adding. Yeah.

28:21 See if there's anything more that clears everything up.

28:24 I don't know. Opie's comment saying he just said he did not think it was that serious because I don't think it was that serious either. That told me a lot. Honestly, that's, I don't know.

28:34 Told me nothing.

28:35 You told me zero things. Added more confusion. Let's go ahead and get more confused, I guess. So, Marcus is not coming on the trip. That part is settled. But things between me and my boyfriend feel different now. I'm not ready to make any big decisions, but I'm also not pretending everything is fine. I texted my friend about possibly joining me on the trip instead. She said yes immediately.

28:57 So whatever happens, I'm not canceling on myself. Thank you to everyone who commented, especially the ones who told me to slow down and talk first before assuming the worst. That was the right call. I just needed to hear it. So you did exactly what your boyfriend did. OP, I'm kind of annoyed at you. You said Marcus can't come, but my friend can.

29:17 Well, I think it's it's not a I don't think it's like my friend is coming with us. I think it's my boyfriend or my friend is coming. Whoever is still around by the time we go on the trip.

29:30 I am Confucius.

29:32 Yeah, I don't know how to help you because I don't understand what your problem is.

29:35 The funniest thing here is, thank you to everyone who commented, especially the ones who told me to slow down and talk first before assuming the worst. That was the right call. So you didn't do that.

29:48 I don't know what to tell you, OP. This is weird.

29:51 And that's the end of this story. We're gonna go on to the next one.

29:54 Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite good time boy host here. We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

30:03 My girlfriend borrowed rent money from me while planning to leave.

30:07 I'm confused.

30:09 My relationship with my girlfriend, 23 female, has been deteriorating over the last one and a half years. I, 24 male, am in school for engineering, just graduated. and I have an intense extracurricular team that takes up almost all of my spare time. I have been on this team since before I knew her. She had been growing increasingly depressed and anxious, a known illness of hers, with me gone all the time, and started hanging out with people at an upper-year residence on campus. There was some old engineering friends, a group of French people, she's from Quebec, so she fit in and spoke French. And she also went to her ex-boyfriend's house occasionally, but they broke up because he realized he was attracted to the same gender.

30:57 So that was okay. Back to cool.

30:59 That is a wave of a lot.

31:02 That was a lot of information.

31:03 That was a rollercoaster of emotions.

31:05 I did a whole 360 right there, but I stopped in the middle.

31:09 I've been worried about this sort of thing because she was hanging out with guys and girls. I don't know, for long periods of time, late into the night and overnight sometimes. I would be pulling an all-nighter and out till like 4 a.m. The day before we left, I go to Gmail and her account auto-logs in. I see an email from one of the French guys whose name I recognize. I forget what exactly I saw. Heart, I miss you, I love you, etc.

31:35 But I opened it.

31:36 She's an affectionate person and says these things to other friends of hers, and I really wanted to not overreact... Before we left. So I didn't read more or say anything.

31:46 By the way, this comes from Big Great White.

31:48 And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit.

31:51 I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia.

31:53 I'm Keon.

31:54 We're here to give some good advice goofily, but we don't really know what that means sometimes. So we're just going to say what we know. And then you're going to say what you know. And then that'll be all. As OP says, well, we got here last night. Today she leaves for the bachelorette party. She is maid of honor.

32:11 And I load up the email again, only to see her inbox this time with a subject, one last pic, heart.

32:18 Well, and there we go. And there's the proof, and it's over. Also, who's sending, I'm sorry, who's sending spicy pics on email? That's so weird.

32:28 And obviously I click on it. So there is Fhead's French effing face and butt via mirror fresh out the shower. So more digging showed more lies, more cheating, maybe not spicy sleep, but enough to break up over even once. A potentially not attracted to the same gender ex-boyfriend who she'd been spicy related with and plans to move out of our apartment.

32:51 Okay, okay.

32:51 So all of the email digging showed that she had been doing all that.

32:55 Yikes.

32:56 And that's over. And that's when you go, oh, okay. Relationship's done. I don't know why people do this.

33:03 Just go be with someone else.

33:04 For real.

33:04 For real.

33:06 I really don't, I don't get it.

33:07 They like the attention.

33:09 Yeah, I just don't, I don't understand that.

33:11 They like a placeholder, you know?

33:13 Like you can't be alone. You're so scared of being alone that you need to have like 50 people.

33:18 She had actually been paying a guy to sublet at his place without my knowledge and had run out of money and borrowed money from me to pay our rent. I still don't have it back and she probably owes me a lot of money over the years for stuff. So advice on the financials too would be great. Well, now it's officially over for me, but she has no idea what I know. She's not here and I'm stuck an eight hour drive from our shared apartment. I know she'll have a breakdown because these people she replaced me with are all gone, graduated, moved, or gone back to French land. Except the one I think she didn't have relations with. who she was subletting with. I don't want to have to deal with her or see her pretty

34:00 much ever again, let alone entertain her and her parents for a week, go to a wedding with people I don't know, only know the bride, albeit through her, but that's why I'm not already on the road. And pretend to want to have spicy sleep with her lying self. So what do I do once we get back? What happens to the stuff we purchased together? I'm in Ontario.

34:22 I don't know.

34:24 I say go to that wedding. Go have fun.

34:26 No.

34:27 With her?

34:27 Go have fun. Go get free food. Go get drinks.

34:31 You can't have fun when you're with your cheating ex.

34:34 Go break up with her, but then flirt with another one.

34:37 No, I would immediately like, I'd be like, hey, listen, I can't do this. I just found everything. And that really just took me for a loop. And I have to remove myself now from the situation. Have fun with whatever you're going to do. Yeah, we can figure out.

34:52 Well, I'd be like, where's the money first? Yeah. Before I confront her, I'd be like, hey, honey, you've been saying you need to pay this back. Can I get that now?

35:00 Yeah, I need that now.

35:01 And then once you get it, you're like, so now that we got the money out of this, I caught you cheating.

35:08 In other news, I don't know if you knew, but I saw your email. There's no little teeny tiny thing I like to bring up.

35:15 Start speaking French.

35:16 Update.

35:17 Well, Reddit, this was a pretty easy conclusion and almost all of your advice was relevant. After forwarding myself emails about all these issues from her account, I asked her mom if I could sit down with her because we needed to talk. I told her about the picture, the emails, the sublet, just about everything. She was immediately on my side and was only apologetic that it had to end this way. Her dad was the same way after he was invited in to hear the story. I told them I was going to head back alone and move out, and they understood. Her dad gave me a check for the next month's rent to pay me back for the rent she owed me, as well as some extra for the partial rent slash random stuff I paid for. I

35:57 told him that wasn't necessary and I expected to lose it as the cost of the relationship, but he insisted. They liked me and were clearly sad to see me go. So I left, still without telling her what I knew. She kept texting me periodically from her mom's American phone, and the morning I left, all I said was, check your Gmail. She replied, mine or my mom's, because she was on her mom's phone. I said, yours, August 28th, the date of the picture, and that was it. I was on the road. A few phone calls that I ignored came right after. She was on her way home, and I knew when she got there, she would see me gone, and her parents would explain what happened. I got a long text from her basically saying that she

36:38 was sorry, never slept with anyone else, it was an emotional cheating, not a physical one, though it's hard to believe she didn't kiss or cuddle, clode or unclode with this guy, and that it was all an emotional outlet. She finally confessed her mental issues with her parents and she agreed to go to therapy. This was long overdue as these issues have clearly been brewing inside of her a long time. I couldn't help her as I'm not a professional trained to deal with these sorts of things.

37:05 She said she knew it was wrong all along and she felt bad doing it, but that it was sort of like a form of relief for her. Silently sabotaging our relationship was the best thing she had in her life. We talked the next day on the phone for almost two hours. I was still angry, but I didn't project it at her. I was stern, however, and made sure she knew how wrong she was in all this. How I felt being dragged along for almost a year as the outlet for the anger and aggression while the love and affection was projected elsewhere. We talked about her issues and I told her that therapy was the best thing she could do and how much I hoped that she would put her full effort into it. Don't hold back talking about the issues she never talked about and how

37:48 I really want her to get better for herself. As crappy as this was, it may have improved her life. It will definitely improve it. I told her there was a reason I started dating her. There's a person I love inside, but she is not that person anymore. She wants to keep in contact and wished maybe in the future, once she's better, if we could at least be friends.

38:08 If not, try this again.

38:09 The person you love inside is inside someone else.

38:13 Matryoshka doll.

38:16 She's like a Matryoshka. The person you love is inside her, and the person she loves is also inside her.

38:23 I didn't dismiss contact, but I made it clear that this breach of trust cannot be forgiven. There's a little bit left here. I mean, I think in the long run, yeah, you did everything you could. It's not like you did anything wrong. You left at the right time. You know, obviously you had no idea that any of this was happening.

38:42 So I think from knowing all this information and that was how you went about it, I think you did everything right.

38:47 I think you did it in a very mature way.

38:49 Just date someone in Ontario from now on.

38:53 I believe she will be attending the wedding and returning to school, which she said was a blessing that her parents didn't pull her out and make her stay in the U.S.

39:00 With them.

39:01 She wants to focus on that, stop smoking and drinking, and start being active and creative like she used to. I supported this 100%. All in all, it was a rollercoaster ride to say the least. In the end, I'm sad but also relieved. I saw the light at the end of the undergraduate tunnel. But she couldn't, so now I'm out of a toxic relationship and she is getting much needed help. I'm moving out, starting a new job, getting a place with friends, and beginning a new chapter of my life. I think I'm going to stay single for a while.

39:33 Nice.

39:34 Yeah, you should.

39:35 OP, very, very mature.

39:36 Yeah, super, super mature.

39:39 Yeah, I think, I think you went about it. Great.

39:43 Yeah, absolutely. I think you did everything you could. It's really nice that her parents were on your side. I like that.

39:50 Yeah, you know what you do? Treat yourself to some poutine, get some ketchup chips, and hang out with your buds. And that's the end of this story. We're gonna go on to the next one.

39:59 I hooked up with my classmate for months, and she had a family all along?

40:04 That's a very interesting context to start with.

40:07 Today, I, male 22, have officially ended my college semester... And by next month, or next year technically, I will be transferring into a four-year university. In my class, we were assigned into small groups with other students so that we could work together with several group projects throughout the course.

40:26 This is how I met Yvonne, female 26. She was part of a group along with Heather and Sahota, all fake names, by the way. She was sort of reserved, but I wouldn't say shy or timid. She was just hesitant to share much about herself. I took the initiative and asked for everyone's phone numbers so we could have a group message. We would set up meetings online through Zoom, but several times we would meet in person when we could.

40:51 Over time, I took a liking to Yvonne and I noticed she was enjoying my company too. Honestly, the group was a blast and the four of us got along pretty darn well. I was the only male member there, so sometimes they would tease me about it or whisper something and giggle without telling me. It was awkward at first, but I just rolled with it and laughed with them.

41:11 By the way, this comes from trickedcollegekid404, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okstorytime subreddit. I'm Sophia.

41:19 I'm Dakota.

41:20 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. And Obi says, Eventually, I texted Yvonne privately, and we started having our own conversations and even hung out after class. Our class sessions were once a week in person. but we still had to wear masks. One day, we had this really hard rainstorm going on, and I invited her to hang at my apartment since we couldn't talk outside due to the heavy wind and downpour. She accepted. We sat down and watched some videos, ordered food, and then she surprised me with the... We partook in the leaf together on the couch, and that led us to having spicy sleep that night before she left.

42:03 Dang, look at you go. Okay. Yeah, crazy.

42:08 This would become our thing. We would hang out, text privately now and then, and sometimes we would go to my place, and every time that happened, we would be intimate at some point, sometimes repeatedly. Okay.

42:23 Getting it on with that carnal knowledge.

42:25 Oh, yeah.

42:27 I made it clear after our first time together that I liked her, but that I was not looking into getting into a relationship. And she agreed that she very much felt the same. So I thought that was that. Why did she feel the same, though? What were her reasons?

42:41 I mean, did she say she felt the same?

42:43 She just said that.

42:44 So, yeah, she feels the same, right?

42:47 The intimacy went on for nearly two months before slowing down in November. We stopped meeting outside of class after Thanksgiving week. because school project deadlines were closing in and I needed to keep my head focused and get my work done. Last week was our last day in class. As we were all saying our goodbyes, Heather congratulated Yvonne about the good news and hugged her goodbye. I said my goodbyes too, then asked Heather in private, what was the good news she was talking about as we walked to our cars? She looked confused and asked, are you talking about the engagement? My eyes grew ten times their size, and she laughed before explaining that Yvonne's boyfriend finally asked her to marry him after she told him the news,

43:32 and she said yes.

43:34 Oh, no. How did that never come up?

43:37 How did that never come up?

43:38 Well, I have a feeling she was hiding it.

43:41 But, like, the other girls knew. They never made an offhand comment like, oh, are you going to go see your boyfriend?

43:47 Maybe she was hiding it from them as well?

43:50 No, they just knew about the engagement.

43:51 No, I mean the fact that she was hanging out with OP.

43:54 Oh, yes, I absolutely think so.

43:55 I think maybe she was having a little secret in the dark.

43:59 I felt my heart drop, but couldn't ask her if Yvonne was in a relationship this whole time. I think we can assume, yeah, if she's got engaged.

44:08 So did she just meet this guy a week ago?

44:11 Did she meet this man yesterday?

44:14 Must have been a real whirlwind, right?

44:17 Yeah, he's like, that's a really quick engagement, right? Arranged marriage? I just played along and said I would congratulate her later. Then said goodbye and went home. That was last week. I've kept in touch with Heather and Sahota, who I can honestly say we have become friends at this point. I asked Sahota if she knew about the engagement and she said no. that she didn't even know Yvonne was in a relationship. Okay. So we talked to Heather, and I guess the story is that Yvonne slipped and let Heather know by accident that she has had a boyfriend since high school, and that recently her boyfriend decided to celebrate the big news by asking her to marry him, and she accepted. So that's that. I haven't told Sahota

44:57 or Heather about what Yvonne and I have done, nor have I asked them for advice. I'm too upset to ask. I feel like we have a good friendship going on and that they will judge me negatively for doing that. I mean, you didn't do anything wrong. You were having a consensual relationship with Yvonne.

45:16 Unless you're Professor X and you could read her mind the whole time, you're pretty much in the clear.

45:21 So Hoda had this weird look on her face the last time we met, which was when we asked Heather to explain how she knew and not us. I could tell something was off. Heather is Facebook friends with Yvonne, and she showed us her boyfriend's profile while she was explaining the engagement stuff, and that's how I found out they have a son together as well.

45:40 Oh!

45:42 Not the children!

45:43 I honestly would tell Heather and Sahota. I'd be like, ladies, ladies, I need your help.

45:50 Ladies, I have a little bit of tea for you.

45:53 Oh, and they would eat it up. Oh my goodness, the other day I was at the climbing gym and this girl behind me was on the phone with her friends and she's like, I don't know anything. I don't know anything, okay guys?

46:06 But if I did know something, it would be this. But I don't.

46:14 But I don't know anything. What Heather told us was that she found out through Facebook. It's all there, I guess, including the engagement. Why didn't she tell me this before?

46:27 Let's run through the Rolodex of possibilities there.

46:32 She never mentioned being in a relationship or having a child. As of now, only my best friend knows about what's been going on. I told him everything, and he asked me if I plan on telling the boyfriend.

46:43 I'm nervous.

46:44 I had no idea she had a family, and now they're engaged? I know it's the right thing to do, but if I tell him, then won't that make me a homewrecker?

46:53 Nope.

46:54 Nope, it will not.

46:55 No, she kind of wrecked the home.

46:57 Yeah.

46:57 She was kind of the complete package. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

47:00 If you call... a person to wreck your home for you. You're like, Hey, I'd like to call the home wrecker hotline. And they wrecked the home. They called it in. They called that order in.

47:12 Yeah. How can I relate this to a bank robbery? Like, You aren't a homewrecker. It'd be like if you went to a bank and withdrew money from a bank that you understood was a bank and they're like, we're the bank. And then after you withdrew the money, the bank was like, by the way, we stole all that money, which means you stole that money and we're actually fine.

47:39 That's just like how this is. This is where my friend had me post here. I just don't know whether I should tell the guy that his girlfriend has been cheating on him for months now. How do you even approach that subject? Am I the bad guy here? Should I tell him or should I let it go and move on? What do I do? And we do have an edit.

47:58 Well, I think it's time to move on for sure.

48:01 For 100% sure.

48:01 100% sure.

48:02 Yvonne is in the past. Telling her boyfriend is in the future. And maybe, I don't know, like getting your two girly pops in on this.

48:17 Yikes.

48:18 What's best for the child?

48:20 Well, having kind of not divorced parents, you know.

48:25 That could be better. Might happen regardless.

48:29 No, but if they never marry, then they're not divorced.

48:31 If they never marry, they're not divorced. I don't know. I really do think like the more I come across these situations, the more I think about it. Whenever there is becomes a kid involved, it really becomes a much more complex calculation on what to do. Because like if that kid's life would be better with the income of both of those people. I don't know.

48:51 Like he'll have both incomes.

48:53 I think it's unfair to be put in that position where you have to be the arbiter. that now, depending on what trigger you decide to pull, you're now maybe impacting this kid's life to a degree that is so unfair for you to be responsible for. I mean, you're not really responsible because you didn't cause this, but your reaction would then lead to the result that, who knows?

49:17 It's so stupid, and I hate it. This woman Yvonne, is a terrible, selfish person.

49:23 I would just tell her boyfriend, and they can decide from there. Edit, I forgot to mention that when I texted her about this, she hasn't responded, and I think she blocked me. Yeah, I wonder why. It's been a week since, and she hasn't texted me back. Update. I read your feedback and planned on taking the weekend to think it over. Some of you said I should tell the husband, boyfriend, the truth, and some of you said I should stay quiet and move on. Well, last night I received a text from an unknown number asking about me by name. I thought it was a friend who was trying to get in touch with me who lost my contact or something.

49:58 I wasn't thinking.

49:58 I just answered and gave my name. This person started asking about my relationship with Yvonne and wanted to meet in person. I froze and stopped texting back. So much for deciding whether to tell or not. I caved and called my two friends, Heather and Sahota, but Heather was busy. Sahota visited me earlier, and I told her everything. She suspected something happened between us, but didn't ask out of privacy.

50:23 Then I showed her the text, and she agreed that it looks fishy and could be the husband.

50:27 Boyfriend.

50:28 She's not as close to Yvonne as I thought. They do not text each other much, and they only meet up for the group projects and planning. So only when all four of us were present. When she tried to call Yvonne, the call went straight to voicemail. We think she's blocked too. She said she'll think about what this means, then texted Heather to call me when she's free. Heather is the oldest one in the group and has her own family. She's busy with Christmas shopping today, but she'll be calling tomorrow when she's free. We know she's close with Yvonne since they've met up for lunch dates before, so maybe she could tell us more. We've got a little bit left to this story.

51:04 Any final thoughts? Hey. Sorry you had to deal with all this. Not fair. Not right.

51:11 I mean, at this point, though, husband already knows something's up. He clearly suspects that you guys have had a relationship. So I think just tell the truth. And that's all that's all you're obligated to.

51:23 O.P.

51:24 Finishes off. Once again, I'm lost and do not know what to do. The future husband is asking to meet in person. And so Hoda and my best friend will call Joe. Agree that if I decide to go, then they will go with me just to be safe. Feels like my choices are fading. I have to decide soon. I will be moving in January a few hours away, so maybe I can do nothing and move on.

51:45 No.

51:46 The husband sent one last text asking me to think about it and let them know if I accept. Let them know? Is husband implying that Yvonne is going to be there too?

51:57 Sounds like it.

51:58 So we can set up a time and place. I don't know how much he knows about me, But I doubt he knows where I live since he has to meet somewhere. This is getting bad. I feel so stressed right now. I need advice and thoughts on what to do. Just I don't even think you need to meet him. I think you can just say this is what our relationship was. I don't feel super comfortable meeting up with you.

52:20 Here's proof.

52:21 And you leave it at that.

52:22 Yeah, I think the less involved you are in this situation, you just need to be the one who's like, hey, I'm an informant. I'm a messenger. I don't need to actually sit down with you and have a discussion. I've already told you. So now you two should work it out between yourselves. I don't need to be involved. In fact, I don't want to be involved. I don't want to see her ever again.

52:41 Yeah. And leave it at that. Go on with your life. Edit, after thinking it through, I have decided to text the number to verify if it is the husband. I plan on accepting his request to meet in person and tell him the truth. He deserves to know what happened. Thank you for your advice. Okay, well, good luck, Opie.

52:58 He does know what happened. You told him.

53:00 He hasn't told him yet.

53:01 He'll know what happened if you just tell him. You don't have to go meet him. Just tell him.

53:05 Just text him.

53:06 It's all good.

53:07 And that's the end of this story. We're going to go on to the next one. Hey, it's Keon, your favorite short king. We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

53:17 My girlfriend blurted a detail about her ex, and now my confidence is wrecked.

53:22 Why did you tell me that?

53:23 My girlfriend, 29, female, and I, 32, male, have been together for almost five years now. Things are good between us, but Spice's sleep was always a thing we had to work on. I was almost always the one initiating, and while she would always get into it rather quickly... It would always feel a bit held back. We mostly had the same two positions, and she wouldn't really do any other stuff. Now, I just assumed that's her preference, so I just thought we'd build up or something, but it didn't really go anywhere. Throughout the pandemic and after it, spicy sleep dramatically reduced. I brought it up multiple times, and she said she realizes it's happening, and it's all to do with her, and she wants to fix it,

54:06 but then we'd be back to square one. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, through some joke or banter while watching a TV show, she let slip her ex was so big that it hurt sometimes. How did that come out? Size queen.

54:22 Why did she say that?

54:23 Who knows? Initially, I laughed it off and went on with my evening, but I'm also a man who grew up during a time of stereotypes and rumors, so it stuck in my brain.

54:33 He went, ha ha ha.

54:34 Hey, buddy, you didn't have to add during a time of all those stereotypes and rumors. You're just a man. There is always been that.

54:42 You're but a man.

54:43 Men have always been this way. They even put it in the Bible that if it's too big, you're like a gross barbarian. I'm sure everyone always felt the same way. I don't like to just let stuff simmer, so I talked to her about it. And that's how I found out the X was indeed large.

55:01 Why are we, what?

55:03 Excuse me, not that much bigger, mind you.

55:06 But, a little bigger. Why is she telling you this?

55:10 This is so crazy. Opie's like, yeah, so I went to my girlfriend and talked about how I was feeling insecure, and then she affirmed that I should be insecure.

55:19 But, you know, so I wasn't good at using it and made her feel bad about it. That was the first edition. Of the talks.

55:26 Okay, okay.

55:27 By the way, this edition of Story comes from Throwaway Today 44. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I am Dakota.

55:34 I'm Sophia.

55:35 And I am here to read this story, and she is here to read this story, and we are here to say things to you. But you might disagree with the things we say. Let us know in the comments. And OP says, She went into details I didn't ask for, so that put me off, but I thought I'd get over it through communication and all that. But what gets to me is that supposedly... This guy, who is bad at the spicy sleep, but has a massive member, is worth trying to initiate and make the spicy sleep better with, and I'm just okay to be left in the sidelines waiting for the stars to align. Also, the fact that just the detail about him was blurted out in that context makes me uncomfortable. Now, every time she ever made

56:19 a joke about someone having a big old wiener during our relationship and every remark about liking it rough and needing to be taken immediately connects to him and not us. I mean, it sounds like you guys have made it pretty clear what's going on and what you're into. And it sounds like maybe you guys are completely contrasted in that.

56:40 You're like, why won't she initiate? And she's like, I want to be hunted down like an animal.

56:44 Yeah, like it seems like She's just kind of fine with how they're doing it. And he's like, well, she hasn't said anything about it. And just no one's really talking about what they want.

56:59 Well, Beacon Center News, objectively, I guess this is fine. I didn't assume I'm the king of the world, but I had wished I had stayed blissfully ignorant. To be very clear, before anyone jumps at me, I'm not mad about preferences. I'm not jealous or anything. Well, no, you are a little. I just don't think this is something I should know or be told of. And so let's logic puzzle this. Why don't you feel like it should be told? Because it has made you feel a certain way.

57:26 What is it that you feel? You feel like a jealous or insecurity in the comparison you're making between you and her ex whose wee-wee was bigger than yours.

57:36 And why are you insecure about that? Because you're not having the type of spicy sleep that you would like to be having.

57:42 Exactly. And you feel like it was better with the guy before.

57:46 And what do you need to do about that?

57:48 Talk. Also, if I'm not exciting enough to have spicy sleep with, I should just be told so we can both find someone who we fit with. She now insists that the fact that our sleeping life was always lacking had nothing to do with the guy or my performance. And she wants to work on improving our spicy sleeping life.

58:12 The issue is I kind of lost my drive. Every time I even think about it, the image comes to my mind and I feel inadequate and I remember all the times I was refused because food's almost ready or we just ate maybe later. Maybe the most fair reason of all time, by the way.

58:30 Or maybe tomorrow.

58:32 Some words of encouragement or maybe hard truths. Thank you. There's an update. I mean, words of encouragement would just be, yeah, just talk to her. Talk to her.

58:41 I'm sure you're a big boy.

58:43 Lay it out in a way where you're not trying to say that you're like a victim of her having an ex like this, or like, just tell her how you feel and that you want to fix it too. I mean, it sounds like you did that. And she said that she wanted to improve on it with you.

59:00 And you, yeah, you say, Hey, let's sit down. Let's figure out what do you like in the spicy time? Like tell her what you.

59:08 Like about, Because guys, here's the big secret. All my fellas out there, all five of you watching this. For the ladies, it's all in the mind. It's like 80% mind. You don't need a hammer. You need a chisel. I mean, if you can get the mind in the right place... The equipment is totally fine. But if the mine's not there, it doesn't matter what's down on your undercarriage.

59:38 I mean, she told you that. She said her ex was bigger and he didn't know how to use it.

59:42 She said, ah, I didn't even like it.

59:44 Hurts.

59:45 It's not necessarily glowing praise. No. First of all, update. Thank you all so much for the answers. I didn't expect this to get traction and it was great to see outside opinions. Thank you for sharing your own stories and giving advice and making jokes to lighten the mood. I'll bullet point some things that seem to keep recurring in the comments and details that I wasn't clear on.

1:00:07 We decided to try to make it work and are going to therapy. I have made it very clear to her how much this affected me and that I don't think I'm emotionally capable of going through this again. She agreed and apologized many times. Second, to those who keep saying, I want my wiener to hurt my girlfriend. Her comment came after years of physical neglect. Years in which the big wee-wee jokes have been told and preferences stated and comments made all now have a different meaning to me.

1:00:37 There was also a lot of rejection in that time. I understand there will always be a bigger fish, so to speak. But if that's what she wants, that's what she should say and go find it. I am fine with people having larger johnsons than me. Some I even respect. This is weird.

1:00:56 Yeah.

1:00:57 I think that's much easier to do when I'm confident in my known Johnson's. I don't want to hurt her or scare her. I want to satisfy. Plus some details shouldn't ever be mentioned in relationships because the image burns into your head and it just sort of ruins about half of the spicy sleep vibes on any given day.

1:01:17 I can't explain it more than that. And if you don't get it, it probably means you never had to experience this. And I hope you never do. A few people mentioned I didn't say anything about the quality of a spice. And I'm sorry for that. We never left the bed without her blowing her O-ring at least once.

1:01:33 Thank you for telling us that, Opie. Thank you so much.

1:01:37 I mean, hey, that's an important element.

1:01:39 Yes, sir.

1:01:41 I'm calling it blowing your O-ring from now on, by the way.

1:01:44 Yes, I can tell.

1:01:45 A woman blowing her O-ring is the sexiest thing in the world. And I enjoy doing anything that gets her there. It has never happened through PIV, though, and she said she doesn't think she can do that. There's a little bit more to this story. I mean, my closing thoughts would be the therapy should hopefully help you shift your cognitive perspective on this.

1:02:09 And keep talking to her about what you guys both want, because it really feels like there is just a lack of communication.

1:02:20 Doing the deed is only as weird and uncomfortable as... You want to make it in your own head.

1:02:24 Because objectively, it's weird. But if you trust your partner, then it doesn't even matter.

1:02:32 She was the one that talked about how she tried to improve stuff. This is normal. And everyone wants to improve their situation. My issue is she didn't put any effort almost into fixing our issue and just accepted it's happening. I put in effort because comfort is never enough for a relationship. I expect equal return. I've had time to articulate my thoughts slightly better, and my overall issue is that I'm worried she settled for me because I was a nice guy, and that's not something I ever want to be for someone. Nobody wants to be the safety choice.

1:03:06 The commenter says, do you think she actually wants to work on it? Or does she want to say she wants to, but then not actually work on it, and just maybe have some spice once or twice, till you stop bringing it up again? It sounds like that's what's been happening every time anyway. So is it worth you fighting again to try to fix it only to be back to square one? OP says, we are headed for therapy, but yes, there has been a lot of talk from her and not much action. I've tried to keep myself in shape because I thought that could be a factor.

1:03:36 And then I look up spicy sleep stuff often because maybe one will hit the jackpot, but I haven't been too lucky so far. Usually we'll do the deed a few times and then we're back to a one to two week break, sometimes up to a month. Honestly, if her thing is to be jackhammered for an hour, which she didn't say this, that's a joke, then I probably am not the guy, and I'd wish her the best, and that's that. Hey, buddy. She didn't say this. She said the opposite of that. Stop being so insecure.

1:04:05 You're insecure. Don't know what for.

1:04:08 Does she like that it hurt and was uncomfortable? Because if she does, you got to be, hey, dude, I can't physically do that.

1:04:16 It's not in my wheelhouse.

1:04:17 What are we talking about?

1:04:18 It's not in my wheelhouse.

1:04:20 Yeah.

1:04:20 I'm just a man.

1:04:22 See if the therapy bears fruit. But if it doesn't buy, I don't know, I'd say six months tops. If you guys do six months of therapy and there's no improvement, I think it's time to call it.

1:04:33 I agree.

1:04:34 I concur.

1:04:36 Unless you're willing for this to be how it is forever.

1:04:41 And that's the end of this story.