An Unlikely Affair: Probation From Men

0:01 Hi, Amber. Hi, Lola. Welcome to An Unlikely Affair. Hello, my loves. Welcome back to another episode of An Unlikely Affair. I'm surviving. I live to see another week. You look really cute today, actually. Really? Yeah, you have a sweater on. That's weird, right? It's not really sweater weather yet. It is in Montana. But it was freezing this morning. In your house or outside? Outside. I woke up. We went to get in the car to take Ocean to the bus stop, and she was like, it's freezing, Mom. I believe I need a sweater. I was like, I believe we both do. Oh, my gosh.

0:41 I just, for whatever reason, I had that vision. You posted a story yesterday of Ocean from inside, outside, like on that lawn chair going the wrong way with her head down.

0:51 What was she doing? She was treating the lounge chair like it was a slide. I was dead. I don't know why. I was like, that's how she is acting. That's how I feel inside right now. What was that? Like, I have never been so tired in my entire life. I haven't been that tired since I gave birth. You know when you just can't keep your eyes open? I couldn't form sentences over the weekend. It's exhausting. Truly. I know.

1:17 I feel you.

1:18 It was a long week, and I was like— and you know what it is? It's just working— And the days that we're working right now is not typical.

1:27 So it's kind of like thrown the days off. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like between filming and then having to like be a mom and show up in those ways. And then like right now I only have Sunday as like my day off. And then there are times where I get these invites from kids' parents where it's like so-and-so's birthday party on Sunday. And I'm like, I just can't do it.

1:51 No.

1:52 I was supposed to go to Night of the Jack. I love the Night of the Jack. Same, but fuck that. I was like, I'm not leaving the couch. And by the way, all I did was eat carbs last weekend.

2:05 Yeah, you're also not eating well. You're on this like bad eating train again. Again?

2:09 Yeah, again. Do I do it often? Yeah. I know. I can tell when you slip.

2:15 Like that's your like emotional, it's either like emotional like breakdown and then you go into the food.

2:20 But I get it because I'm the same way. I know, but can I tell you, I'm one stressed out day away from becoming a skeleton. So when I have the bread or the chili cheese dog or the cheese and crackers. Or the Taco Bell at 10 p.m. That was really bad.

2:37 I mean, last week, I picked you up two days to work out. Actually, no, I think you picked me up. And you're like, my stomach is busted.

2:48 Yeah. I was like, he better not attach weights to my feet and make me do leg lifts. And what did he do? He attached weights. I'm like, this could go real bad. This could go real bad. Leg raises. Let's go, ladies. Jeez. How's probation going? From men. God, I really feel like a prisoner. In my own skin. Why?

3:12 Because you're forced to sit with yourself and you don't have an outlet? You know what? For a second, I was like, here's the thing. I don't work well when someone tells me what to do.

3:23 Like, if you want me to do something, you have to play reverse psychology, even though I know you're playing reverse psychology on me to get me to do the thing that you want me to do.

3:32 Okay.

3:34 So with you and my sponsor telling me like, okay, you're going to take a beat.

3:40 I'm like, no, I don't want to, but I'm doing it.

3:44 And it's very uncomfortable, but I know that in moments of being uncomfortable is a lot of growth. And I already feel, first of all, the conversation with the guy was beautiful.

3:58 It was like, you know what?

3:59 We're really not each other's person. It was fun while it lasted. And it's like, okay, seven weeks of a good rendezvous, but moving on. And I was so glad that I had the courage because it takes a lot for me to end something. I'll just sit in it even when I'm unhappy. But the gift of sobriety is being able to say, I don't think he's my person and not impulsively break up with them, right? Not just like freak out one day and then like cause like chaos.

4:25 It's like, oh, this is interesting. Let me stay curious about why I'm feeling. And like Kara always says, look, don't stare. So when a feeling comes up. And so that's what I did for a couple of weeks.

4:34 And I was like, you know what?

4:35 Yes, I think this is my clarity that I'm seeking because I would wake up and still feel the same way. So when you guys told me I have to take a beat and I'm not allowed to be intimate with anyone and just sit with myself and date myself. That's exactly what I'm doing. So last Tuesday, I took myself to an early dinner before my AA meeting.

4:54 Where'd you go? Air One.

4:55 All right.

4:57 I'm an expensive. So LA.

5:00 I figured out the good way for Air One not to be so expensive, but that's for another episode.

5:04 Okay. That's a whole episode. That's a whole episode. How not to go broke by eating at Air One in Los Angeles.

5:13 And then yesterday, Riley had dance class. She's starting a new dance class and it's over the hill. And it's an hour and a half. And so I was like, you know what? You're just, I was like, who can I call to girl or boy to like hang out with or go? And I was like, no, you're just going to be by yourself. So I took myself to Earth Cafe.

5:30 Okay. I got a croissant. Wow. An iced tea.

5:34 And I walked down the shops on Melrose. I went to the RealReal and like looked.

5:37 By the way, I saw you in there and I like zoomed in and I was like, rag and bone. She's over on like Melrose. What the fuck? See what happens? So far, I started panicking. Like, no, no, no. I don't like when you're far away.

5:50 Come back to the Valley. Speaking of that, let me tell you something. It's chaos on this side of the hill.

5:57 On our side of the hill? No, the city side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the weekends, I was stressing out. I was like, it's hot. I can't breathe. Like, there's couples walking around holding hands, looking happy. Oh, no, don't show Amber a couple. She may tweak out and go find a boyfriend.

6:15 It was really, no, so probation is going well. Thank you for asking me.

6:19 You're welcome. I'm enjoying it. Let me tell you, I have been Dating. Oh, share more. It's stressful. I know. The whole thing. And I have said this to you before and Chris Medina, I did a reading with him last year and I'll like show him men who I'm talking to and he'll be like, he's not your person just so you know. And I'm like, well, how do I even continue talking to them if I know it's not going to go anywhere? Like, which is weird because we've had this conversation over and over again where I'm actually attracting The person that I am, if that makes sense.

6:59 You said to me, you're attracting people who are one foot in, one foot out. And it was like, wow, this is a profound moment because I feel like I work best one foot in, one foot out. You know? Because it's safe. Because it feels safe. Yes. So do you think you have commitment issues? Well, that's, yes. Because, like...

7:21 And I don't think that it came from the trauma that happened. I think it came from that situation put me into a spot where it was like, you don't have anyone to fall back on. So you really have to like find your footing on your own. There's like financially, emotionally where I did it. And now I'm like, I've built this. The only person that can relate is Brittany, by the way. I've built this foundation for my life and it's become so comfortable that when I think about a person coming in, I'm like, well, this is going to mess up everything. Like we're a well-oiled machine right now.

8:04 That's how I feel. Yes.

8:05 I feel that way about living with someone. That scares me because I have not slept next to anyone, like shared a bedroom with since I was divorced. Like the relationship I was in for seven years after I got divorced, we didn't live together except for the pandemic.

8:25 Right.

8:25 So I always had my place. Like I always had my own bedroom. So it's very, that freaks me out. I'm like, okay, what if you're in love, right? And you love this person, but then, and that's kind of like having one foot in, one foot out, not living together.

8:42 You know what though, New Orleans, I was so in it. I was like, I will give you my whole closet.

8:47 What do you want me to move?

8:48 Like, I was in it. Yeah, but you were.

8:50 Move in.

8:50 Yeah, you had the needle in your arm for sure. Yeah, that's called an emotional relapse if I've ever seen one. You're like, I'll give him a baby and shit on his face. I'm like, no. No, I said I'd let him shit on my face. Oh. Not my face, my chest. I'm like, okay. Don't get crazy now. Now you're going wild.

9:08 But Chris Medina said, he goes, Lala, the men that you have shown me, they're not your guy. What I'm picturing is you have a man who's the type where you'll have people over at your house and he tells everyone it's time to leave because I need to spend time with my girl and takes you upstairs. And I'm like, that sounds so nice. Yeah. That sounds amazing. Little things like that, I'm like, There, there's, when I think about sexy, it's such a different thing than like, oh my God, I, I need to fuck this person. There's two things that happen to me. I either see a guy and I'm like, oh my God, I have to have them inside of me like immediately. Or it's like a different vibe where I'm like, I need to touch and be intimate with

9:55 this person. Like, does that make sense? Yes. Yeah. that are sexy that don't necessarily mean I need to sleep with you right now.

10:04 It's kind of like the doctor with the sex doctor we had on, Ian Kerner, and he talked.

10:07 About the foreplay. It's like how it starts well before the bedroom. Yes.

10:12 And that really like stuck with me in a big way. That conversation, guys, if you haven't listened to it, you have to go back because that really stuck with me.

10:21 It did with me too. We've had, we've had a few guests on where there's like when we had Jill Winterstein on and she talked about like confidence versus self-worth that like blew my mind and has stuck with me. But there's like a difference, right? Yeah. Um, but what are some things for you like in a man where you're like, Oh my God, that is so like the things that aren't talked about, that is so sexy. And it doesn't necessarily mean like I need to like have him inside of me right now, but just like, How do you melt?

10:53 The first thing that came to mind was calling me in the morning. Because that means your eyes are open. Hopefully you're praying to the God or something bigger than you. And then the second person you're thinking of is me.

11:09 I love that too. It's like I... Oh my God, it makes me giddy. I love that. I don't want to have to wait to see if you're going to call me. I also... I also love a man that can hang art, like pictures. Oh, my God. That stresses me out. A handyman. Ugh. Just be somewhat of a handyman. Oh, my God. A man who's like, don't worry, I got this. Yeah, he doesn't need to change the oil. Well, that would be nice. But, like, the tires might be a lot.

11:37 Take my car to get changed. The oil change. That's nice.

11:40 You know, he's going to say, babe, I know you got a big week ahead. I'm going to take your car to the car wash for you. Ugh.

11:46 Okay. That would be, what would that be like? I don't think I'm asking for a lot here. Oh my God. Can I tell you, I didn't even know how to fill my car up with gas before I moved to LA. You're joking. I'm not. Oh my gosh. My dad would take my car to get filled up. I had, I had no idea how to fill up my car with gas.

12:13 It's very sweet, but also like Easton and I were enabled for a money of year. We're like just baby.

12:20 I make London and Riley do that. I'm like, here's my credit card. Or I'll drop Riley off at the, if she wants something from like Whole Foods, I'll give her my credit card. I say, go get your stuff. I'm going to go park the car and I'll meet you inside. Oh, this is a good one. This is a, actually this one has really changed for me as I've gotten older.

12:38 A man who's good with dogs.

12:41 Let me tell you something. I want to see what you're like with your animals. Like, you're not just, like, demanding.

12:49 That has changed. You said probably a few months ago that you couldn't stand on a dating profile a man who has their dog in, like, a sleep sock. Yes, that's unattractive. Okay.

13:06 But I'm saying emotionally how you— I want to see someone that, like, gives their dog love and not just say, like, go lay down.

13:13 Like, I don't like that. I'm like, whoa. Calm down. Calm down.

13:16 Like, unless you did something naughty, like, you don't need to talk to your dog that way.

13:20 You're so naughty right now. Yeah, that really, like, it's it for me. of Pablo Pablo's a fucking force and like he gets in your face and it's not like some little chihuahua it's like a lot of head and body and mouth and breath and I'm like I love you so much goodbye go away go away yeah he like doesn't understand obviously I don't speak dog but you're totally right I don't want you to I don't want you to have a dog and treat it like an animal I also love a man.

13:53 Who could like um Like, change, like, the horse's shoes.

13:57 Like, a horseshoer. Oh, shit. We're talking, like, real men.

14:01 Like, have you ever seen this video on Instagram that they're, like, doing horseshoeing?

14:05 And I'm like, oh, fuck, yes. No, that's so hot. It's not in my algorithm. Your algorithm is hella different than mine. Whoa. Horseshoe changing. I don't know why. That's so attractive to me. She is so Montana. I can't even deal with it. Someone get this girl back to the fucking farm. This one really gets my panties dropping.

14:30 Parallel parking, changing attire, assembling furniture. Honestly, out of all of those, a man parallel parking. Which means I'm riding shotgun and I don't even have to worry about if there's valet. I am Cher from Clueless. Where he's like, it's time to parallel park. And she's like, what's the point?

14:54 Everywhere you go has valet. Like, I look it up and I'm like, if there's not valet, I'm not fucking with that restaurant, okay? You got me fucked up if you think I'm going to park the GMC in between two little Fiat's. I love valet. Like, forget it.

15:09 Like, I will pay $ 20 to valet everywhere I go.

15:12 It's worth it. 100%. I will give you my whole vehicle. Can you park this car? If you can, you can have it. Take it. I love. I'm so stupid. I love it. Oh, a man who whips that big body into a parking spot in between two cars flawlessly. What else can you park flawlessly? Oh, that was a smooth transition. Um, We talk about this all the time, how a guy treats a waiter or a server, what makes it attract. Like, that's just like the most basic level of just like human decency and like a civilized person.

15:52 I went on a date to this place called Avra here in Beverly Hills.

15:55 Avra? Avra. Love Avra. It's so good. Mediterranean, right? How come we haven't been there together? Me and you? Yes. Because we don't come over here, babe.

16:04 Oh.

16:05 Overwhelming. I really love Avra. We should go. I will do a whole restaurant tour with you on this side of the hill. I love that. We should. Let's do Avra and a little stroll. Oh, yeah. I love a stroll. I love a little stroll after Avra. Maybe a little Rodeo drive and blow some cash that we don't have.

16:21 Do you remember the last time we went to Chanel with your mom and she was like, wait, there's a line?

16:26 Now you have to go in the back. Do you remember the day we went to Louis Vuitton? You got that really cute. Oh, yeah.

16:32 And then we're like, let's walk to Chanel. And then now it's like, you can't just walk into Chanel.

16:36 I know. You have to like sign up. I'm not signing up. I'm like, fuck you. Do you know who the fuck I am? I'm here to window shop, bitch. Let me in. Eight grand for a bag. You got me fucked up. Oh, I'm so happy. I found my Cartier watch.

16:50 Speaking of that, I've been wanting a Cartier watch and I was actually looking at the RealReal and I found it this morning.

16:55 What do you mean? You bought that? It doesn't work? By the way, though, is a watch really to tell time? No. It's an accessory. It's like my earrings. It's like a glorified bracelet. I'm shopping in my house right now. It's pretty amazing. Let me come over. Please do. You've got some sick Chanel cuffs that I need to borrow. Anytime, baby. Um...

17:14 What were you saying? You went to Avra and what happened?

17:17 Oh, and the guy was rude to the waitress like multiple times.

17:21 I was mortified, you guys. I was like, this is so... And so I.

17:26 Was trying to be like extra nice to make up for his assholeness. And I was like, wow, never went on a date with him again.

17:34 I don't blame you. That was a one and done. Yeah, awful. The way he talks about his mom or his sisters, does that tell you everything you need to know?

17:43 Yeah.

17:43 Yeah. It is. It is. I don't think I could trust a man who doesn't have sisters. Well, what if he just has brothers and it wasn't his choice? That's fine. It's not your choice. But like, I just noticed that you don't know... You don't understand how the female mind works. Like... When I come home and I share my life experiences with men to Easton, he will literally tell me, he's like, I'm so happy you're bringing this up because now if I ever get into a relationship with someone who has kids, I know how certain things come across. I will know how to talk to her about her kids or things that maybe I didn't know were offensive. This guy, I forgot exactly what was said, but he basically goes... You know,

18:36 your kids are basically telling me that my kids are the most important thing and we have to protect them. And I was like, bitch, you think I don't know that, you dumb motherfucker? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. He was saying this on a date? He was telling me this over text and I lit his ass up. I was like, bro, I don't need you to talk to me about protecting my children and that they're the most important thing. No shit. Yeah, thanks for the reminder. Thanks for the reminder, asshole. Yeah.

19:07 And Easton was like, wow, okay, I just learned something. I shouldn't point out that her children— I think I was there when that happened.

19:12 You were.

19:13 Yeah. I shouldn't point out that her children are the most important thing because she knows that already. I'm like, yes, that's annoying. Yeah. Don't say that to me. Yeah. Anyway— okay um oh a guy who remembers the small details you mentioned weeks ago that's so cute it's very cute like what's your favorite flower and then buys them for you yeah like a month later how would that feel Ugh, amazing. Yeah.

19:48 Please don't send me red roses with baby's breath in them. No. No. I'll have a panic attack. I hate red roses. We know why, right? Like, I'm really— Scarred. Yes.

20:02 You send me red roses, I am taking those roses to the closest senior citizen's home.

20:09 And giving them to all the women. Sorry. I'm obsessed with you right now. What's your favorite flower? Oh, I love the ones that we had at... And I had no idea that anemones were a flower. Anemones? Yeah, it's apparently like the same as the thing in the sea. Oh. I'm looking it up. I was going to say, it sounds like a word from Finding Nemo. Anemone flower. Let me see. Oh, do we like the same? This says anatomy flower.

20:42 Oh.

20:43 Oh my God, they're so cute. I love them. They were at my party that I had at the house. They were like white and then they had like a really deep purple center. Yes. They're so pretty. I loved them. Oh, they're delicate. I know. But has like a full presence. Yes. Delicate. Yeah, delicate. But commands a room. 100%. Exactly. It's you. You are an anemone flower.

21:05 Me?

21:05 Yeah.

21:06 Yeah. No. Yes. I am a sunflower. Wait, dark in the center? Very intense. And why is the stem so thick? And is it a weed or is it a flower? Depends on who you ask. Okay, can I ask you, cooking for you, does it actually do it for you or does it depend on how good the meal is? Do you like when a guy cooks for you? I'm good on that. I don't think I've ever had a guy cook for me. Yeah.

21:35 Yeah.

21:36 I've had a guy cook for me and it wasn't like....

21:40 It would be more masculine if he just ordered from like Postmates.

21:44 Take me to fucking dinner, okay? I sit at my house all the live long day. I'm not trying to just come sit at yours. I agree. Now you're taking me out of the house to go sit at your house? Although I do love a nice little dinner party at someone's house. I'm kind of vibing that too. It's so good. Like once I get my house... situated that little outdoor space you should have a dinner party.

22:05 Yeah just like a really small intimate one with just me you easton and lisa i.

22:11 Like it because you feel like you can get dressed up and so like you're doing something but there's not the pressure of like a crowded room yes you know yes yes by the way does it i don't like when a man holds my hand like this I like to be finger-locked. Well, no. The finger lock, remember, I told you, is now called waffling. Waffling. The kids are calling this waffling. Okay. And this is pancake.

22:40 And Riley was waffling with her boyfriend the other day. And I got a picture.

22:48 She looked so happy. She's so happy. It's crazy because you look at the girls at that age and they look like grown-ass children, right? Yeah. And then you see the boys and you're like, Oh, they are babies. The boys look so young. Yeah, they're so young. I know.

23:02 Because the girls are just like, they're getting boobs and butts.

23:06 They're wearing makeup. Their hair color's changing. Their texture's changing. Yeah, Riley's like obsessed with wearing makeup. I'm like, oh my God, you inspire me. She does it really well though too. The other day I was like, what foundation do you have on? And then I remembered, I'm like, oh, it's the 12-year-old skin. You could literally wear a tinted moisturizer and it's going to be hitting right. I know. I know.

23:24 I like this one.

23:24 How a man handles conflict or being told no. When I say no and you listen, it's fucking hot.

23:32 Oh, I need you to put up a little bit of a fight. How much do you care?

23:36 That's my toxic trait. Well, okay, you could say, like, when I tell you, get the fuck out of my house, that is your cue to come closer to me and love me.

23:48 Okay? You should know that. You can't give the universe— Universe. Mixed signals. I'm not giving the universe mixed signals. I'm giving the person mixed signals. But you should just know that. If I'm like, unless you've cheated, get the fuck away from me. See, how do they know between it's that, get the fuck away from me, and get the fuck out of my house? Common fucking sense, Amber. Oh. You're late.

24:09 I'm angry. I'm angry. Come closer. You put your dick where it didn't belong, and I say get the fuck out of my house, you come any closer, and you're losing a limb. Okay? Get away from me. You're not losing a limb. I move actually. I'm very abrupt in arguments. The moment that someone does me very, very dirty, I start playing fucking chess. I'm not going to break your windshield, but I want to. I'm not going to slash your tires.

24:38 I want to. I'm going to clean the G-Wagon spotless, leave it parked with the keys inside, and the car seat's going to be gone, and I now have a new place to live, and you're going to be fucking blindsided. That did happen. Obviously. Yeah, because that was very specific. I will blindside you.

24:58 When they do you dirty that bad, then yes, they deserve to not know what's fucking coming.

25:04 No. I'm going to baby you. You're going to think all is fucking good, and then your life is going to fall apart. Mm-hmm. You're going to be shocked by it. How did this happen? Because I can outplay you any day of the week. All right? You put a woman in that situation, we get so calculated. Oh, 100%. 100%.

25:22 And some people say, she's a scorned woman. No, bitch. No, bitch. Experienced. Experienced. Experienced. In conflict, can I tell you what I love? A dude who doesn't, don't add fuel to the fire, but also don't shut me out. Like I need you when we're in turmoil because I get very reactive and heated. And again, this is where my Virgo and my Scorpio kind of clash because I want to be like, I want to be grounded, but I don't quite know how in those moments. Yeah. Oh, I am the same way. Yeah.

26:01 And I think that that's actually very common. But I do know women like Michelle. Michelle in conflict can shut down and be like, I don't want to talk to you and like remove herself. I am quite the opposite. It's like an art that I haven't quite conquered. I need the person I'm with to find my spiral endearing.

26:24 I know that that sounds crazy, but I need them to be like, Oh, my baby's like in her feelings. He's out there. He is out there. I know that. And he may be listening. Well, one can only hope. Come in and save me. I'm looking to be saved.

26:43 It's funny because while you're saying that, I was thinking about, I get that way only when I've been patient for way too long.

26:54 And now my patients have run thin. And now I'm going to fucking annihilate you. You get scary. Yeah, I can get scary real quick. See, another thing you and Michelle have in common, you got to really push her to that point of like chaos, right? Whereas for me, it's you're on thin ice at all times. Like one wrong move and I'll explode, but nothing is under the carpet.

27:18 It's laying flat at all times. It's true. It's true. Oh, small gestures, opening the car door, carrying your bag, warming up the car. Oh, I love a man that warms up the car. My dad used to warm up my car. It was cold in Utah. That's very sweet.

27:50 Yeah.

27:51 I'd go outside and it would be like, you'd open the door and it would like be steamy outside because it was so warm inside and so frigid outside. You didn't have like a quick start on your car? This is when you still put a key in the ignition. Oh, oh, oh. I was driving a Ford Expedition to school.

28:07 Oh, actually, no, I didn't have a quick start on my truck.

28:09 My sister did. There's no way. They didn't even have quick starts when we were in high school. No, my older sister did. Really? Yeah, I didn't. Wow. No, I did not have that. By the way, though, the guy that I went on a date with the other night, the one that we've spoken about, those are two wins that I will give him. He opened my car door, and he pulled out my chair. yeah before he opened up about a lot of stuff where I was like there's a lot of opening that night which by the way green flag honesty I'm not going to be blindsided I know where to put you 100% you know like you're certainly not my you're not my person like I know where to place you I'm not going to you're not going to put me in a washing machine yeah

28:56 don't shut him out yet he looked good I know. I know. You showed the pics. He's a coyote. Stuffing in at 6'3. Leaned out. Muscles. Great hairline. Ugh.

29:14 Ugh.

29:15 Does he have a good job? Okay. I don't know. He's working on it. He's working on it. He's in between. He's finding himself. Yes. All right. Great. Well, better late than never, huh? And that's how I feel about it. Okay. A man taking charge of a situation without being controlling. I love this. Oh my gosh. How would that even be?

29:37 Can I tell you the last five years? I like Janet when we go on trips, she books the tickets. She does the whole bit. She's like the greatest, right? But it would be so crazy to me if a man was like, Hey, I want to go on a trip with you. And he was like, He booked the tickets and like handled everything. And I didn't have to think about one single thing. That's hot. That is so hot.

30:02 By the way, you turned me into putty in your hand. Like when I feel taken care of like that, because it's the little things that get me like panicked. Like getting to an airport, that stresses me out. Checking in, doing that whole thing where if like a man like grabs my bags and walks up and like checks us in and I'm just sitting there like scrolling Instagram or whatever and he's like, all right, we're going to go here now. And I just like follow you like I'm a little duck. Yeah.

30:27 Hot you know you know it's funny because i noticed myself lately wanting a man to do that or the past year i would say but then when they go to do it or grab my suitcase or do like the masculine thing i'm like.

30:41 No no i got it i know i do the same thing keep going.

30:45 Protecting myself i'm like amber He wants to take your bag. Fucking let him be a man and take it. But my very quick instinct is like, no, I'm good.

30:56 I'm fine.

30:57 And I'm like, no, you can't. I can't do that. Let me grab your golf bag. No, I got it. Right. It's like, no, let me grab it. I'm like, no, I'm good.

31:07 I think that's kind of my way of also saying like, No matter what, I'm going to be fine. With or without you, I know I could carry my golf bag from the cart to the car. Or I could like, you know, I don't need you to put my suitcase in the back of my car. I've been doing it for so long by myself.

31:27 I'm good.

31:28 But that's not what I want. So my actions and what I'm saying are not, maybe I'm.

31:35 The one that's confusing the universe too. I think that's very easy to do. But if the universe is that dumb, then not my problem. The universe is God. God created it, right? You should be able to read my mind. I am. God is within me. I am one with the master. But I'm the same way. I'll pack my bag. It'll be so fucking heavy. I... you know, pull the little thing up. I haul it down, you know, however many stairs I have, walk it outside. The Uber driver comes and I'm like, please be careful. It's so heavy. I don't want you to hurt your back. I'm like, they're like, we're fine. I'm like, why am I worried about this fucking guy? I just hauled it down and this guy's got to be way stronger than me. Like, I think

32:19 that I'm the Hulk and all these men are like little prissies and they're not. I want to let men be men. Okay. So how about like for a week straight? Yeah. We have to be, well, I'm on probation. I'm going to wait until I'm on probation. And I don't have anybody, so. All right, well, that plan's not going to work. We'll let Easton do a lot of shit this week. The only consistent man in both of our lives. 100%. It's so true. I fucking love Easton.

32:49 He knocked on my window this morning when I was waiting for you, and he was.

32:52 Like, hi! You know when he does this, like, hi? And he, like, gave me a hug through the car window. I was like, He is the best. Yes, I was like, that's so sweet. He is the best. The amount of DMs I get about Easton, it's crazy. Oh, yeah. Like, DM him. Yeah. Like, your brother. How about your brother DMs me? You DM my brother and have your brother DM me. I'm worried about my own love life. I can't worry about Easton's.

33:24 Oh, something they used to find unattractive that now turns you on.

33:29 Oh. Oh. Shoot. Do you have one? I just read that for the first time and I really like that question. I like it too, but I can't think of anything. Actually, I do have something. I used to think it was like kind of a turnoff if like a man would hold a woman's purse for her. Oh. That just shows... Like my, I think it's just like a maturity level, but I always was like, the woman should be carrying her purse, you know? Like don't leave it with the man to deal with. Yeah. Now, if I see a woman who like needs to use the restroom and she leaves her bag with the husband and he's holding it and doesn't like put it on the ground. Yeah. That's a great example, actually. Hot. That is so hot. Yeah.

34:20 I love that. Like the other day at Ocean soccer practice, it wasn't my weekend, but I still went and she needed to change. So I had our ex. I was like, hold my purse. And he like wouldn't take it. I'm like, hold my bag. Thank you. Thank you. And it had rained. So it was like, the grass was like, what? I didn't want my bag on the ground. I run to change or I come back and the bag's on the ground.

34:46 I'm like, no. Yes. Oh my gosh. Like, don't you think I could have put my own bag on the ground? If I wanted it on the ground, I would have put it there. Okay. Yeah. Oh my gosh. It's not, that's not. And I felt comfortable leaving it with him because I left my wallet at home, by the way. I just thought of something. You took your wallet? If I had a wallet in there, I ain't leaving it with him. Are you crazy?

35:12 I used to think that a man going to the grocery store was like demasculating and like unattractive.

35:18 I think it's emasculating, right? Did I say demasculating? I mean, it probably means the same thing. No, de is not of. So emasculating. So it's demasculating. Look it up. We've had this exact conversation. I know for a fact. About this word? I know for a fact. Let's actually say both. Oh, you can? You can say both? Amber, how wild. We literally have had this exact conversation before. Deja vu. Keep going.

35:42 I can't. I'm in the rabbit hole right now.

35:46 No, when a man goes to a grocery store.

35:49 That used to not be sexy.

35:51 Then I'm like, oh, he's going to the market to get all the food? That's like a man hunting and gathering and coming back.

35:57 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's not going hunting. He's going hunting at the grocery store. Yeah, it's the modern-day hunter-gatherer. Yeah. Yeah, totally. There really is no modern-day hunter-gatherer. Let's be real. It's pretty convenient. The grocery store? Maybe that is what's wrong with men. Maybe they are not, like, really.

36:17 Feeling that confident Because they don't have to go spend two weeks out trying to find a bear to bring home to eat or, like, an elk or something like that.

36:28 Can you imagine? No, I can't imagine. Just joking.

36:31 Like, and the woman's, like, at home wondering if her husband was going to get eaten or die or freeze to death.

36:37 Wow. You just blew my mind. Men don't have to do that.

36:41 They fucking get up, go sit on the toilet, shit, shower, and shave, go to the office, have their fucking, you know, assistant.

36:50 Bring him coffee. That's the problem. It is, but I also— and it does start with the man and end with the man, I think. But I think women have chopped the balls off of men. We've had to. Exactly. It is their fault. But we— like, women have become so hyper-independent that, like, how could a man possibly— Like, you can't outman a woman. Like, we've got it on lock. Yeah. We know exactly what we need to do, and we can get it done, and we multitask.

37:23 And it's like, you know what? I'd rather just do it by myself.

37:26 So they get lazy. I don't want to, but I literally sometimes have no choice. Mm-hmm. But that's why I think, like you were saying in the car earlier, like— We do have to— you talking about the luggage, like, just allowing— when you're off probation, allowing someone to do the things that are very uncomfortable. Like, when— on the last couple dates that I've been on, when the man— like, when the bill comes, I go straight for my wallet to, like, pay for both of us. Like, that's just in my— It feels like it's in my genetic makeup now to just reach for my wallet and pay for the meal. Yeah, you're not even thinking about it. It's like getting in the car and driving. You know how to do it, and you just do it. Yeah, and then when they pay,

38:10 it's like... What do I like? Thank you. I like, I feel awkward. Yeah. I'm like, it wasn't your responsibility to feed me. It's like these little things that I have to start changing because if that's how I am, I'm going to attract the man who's like, Oh, my sugar mama is taking me to steakhouse tonight. I'm like, no, you're taking me to the steakhouse tonight. I want to go to Boulevard. Not you. Not you. Um, our listeners wrote in. Oh, they did? Yeah. Oh, I love this.

38:40 I love when you guys write in.

38:43 It's like my favorite thing. It is. I love, I call them my friends. A hundred percent. I feel like we're all just in a big room talking to each other.

38:50 I can't wait for the day that we can go on tour and we could actually meet everybody and just like, I just want to like, Oh, have a weekend of extravaganza of just talking shit and loving.

39:00 On each other. Like little, like, um, Like speakeasies, little like, what is it? City Winery has like a really cute space. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Flex muscles. No, I don't like that. Why are you flexing your muscles for me right now?

39:30 When you flex your muscle, you have a deep insecurity about who you are as a man.

39:34 Let me tell you, when you're changing my tire and I see your muscles, I'm drooling. Well, yeah. Hot. Yes.

39:41 If you're riding a horse and that fucking bicep is showing.

39:45 Or like the forearm muscle, it gets all like shredded through here. Oh my God. Or you're chopping wood. If you're chopping wood and I see your muscles. Who have you dated that chops wood? No one, but that's my fantasy. Let me tell you. Fucking chop wood with your shirt off. I'm not allowing you to date the men you've been dating because the men you've been dating have no muscle tone.

40:05 They are not chopping wood. They don't know how to change a horseshoe. And you deserve all of that. I know, but he also needs to be like a city guy. The men you date get manicures. No. And by the way, they go to like professional waxing places. Oh my God. In West Hollywood.

40:25 No.

40:25 I know. See what I mean? What I want in my head versus what I like I'm attracting. It's very confusing. Looks wise, I'm attracting exactly what I want to attract.

40:36 Everything else is a flop. I think I want to look at that because let's be real. Instagram is not what it is.

40:42 I want to look at that.

40:44 But then nine times out of 10, there is no emotional availability or awareness.

40:50 You're right. So what do I want? Do I want a hot guy.

40:54 And just have him be mute for the next 45 years? Or do I want someone that I can actually carry a conversation with that maybe, like, is not— the gym is not his, like, first priority.

41:07 But he's still healthy. Okay, that's a happy medium. But he also can, like, get down with, like, Raising Cane's with me. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. My mouth is watering. I love Raising Cane's. I do, too. Saves animals. That's how I picked my husband. That is so cute. There's a guy I've become obsessed with. For the mere fact that his page is all about adopt, don't shop. You know who I'm talking about, the football guy. He's so cute.

41:33 Be reliable. Love this. Yes, the best. It is so simple. Yeah. Because someone that's reliable, that means they're consistent, they're transparent. But all of these things, you would think being reliable is an easy thing because you're reliable, I'm reliable. It's a selfless act. People, like, they have a really hard time being reliable, especially in L.A. Everyone talks this big game, and then you ask them to meet before 10 a.m., and it's like they hit you with the cancel.

42:07 Let me tell you something, La. It's not just in L.A. I experienced this in Bozeman, Montana, 100%.

42:13 Yeah, but Bozeman has become, like, the mountain version of L.A. That is also true. Like, everyone has moved there. Like, all the billionaires— I know. Are swooping in. Like it doesn't feel, you needed to be in like a white fish or whatever. Yeah. But even that guy, Cheater from Livingston, that's a really small town. Yeah, it is. And he was not a good guy. He was not a good guy.

42:39 That very short seven week relationship with that guy.

42:42 Yeah.

42:43 Yeah.

42:44 Like changed me.

42:46 And it's so weird that had more an effect on me than the seven year relationship I had.

42:52 What? Yes. I think that's a big statement. You have been in a lot of relationships. I think I've only been in three my whole life. Really? Yeah. Relationships. I haven't been in relationships. I've dated people. No, you're in relationships. Very short relationships. Yeah. But that still counts. This is a part of your probation. This is why. And you're trying to paint a pretty picture of like, oh, but they were short. But you were still invested and committed to one person, even if it was seven years or eight weeks. That is a problem. That is not normal.

43:29 It's not? No! To have a new boyfriend every, like, seven weeks? That's crazy. It's crazy.

43:39 I'm just in a relationship, and I'm not fucking other people. I don't want to be sleeping with him, and he's also sleeping with her, and then now I have to, like, worry that your dick is dirty, and then you're swapping spit with her, and then you see her.

43:50 Am I crazy? Doesn't that feel like a lot to be in, like, a relationship, like, every, like, five to eight weeks? It feels safe to me, actually. You need to look into this because it's not normal. Okay. Well, I'm looking. Yeah. That's what I'm doing. It's very unhealthy. This is so interesting. Not saying that my weight is healthy.

44:06 I'm not saying that at all. Like, I have my own set of stuff. We're just on two separate ends of the spectrum. But yours is very unhealthy. I got it. And mine is very unhealthy. I'm not saying that, but you got to look into that. A hundred percent, I will.

44:18 I am looking into it because I hear it. It just doesn't make sense. You're telling me that, like, two plus two is five, not four.

44:25 And I'm like— No, I'm telling you it's four. You're saying it's five. Oh. Oh yeah. I'm saying it's five. Yes. Two plus two is not five. But in my mind it is. You're like two plus two equals a relationship.

44:41 Where the heck did that, where did I go wrong? Like where in my life did that whole thing? By the way, this is another episode.

44:49 Okay. Let's go back to what we're talking about. It's very, you are not the only person. It's very common to move how you move. Very. Really? Every single person I know will get out of a full-on marriage and literally three weeks later will have a new person. Someone they're dating? Someone they're dating, yes. That won't work out. And two weeks later, they're talking to someone new and they're exclusive.

45:17 How you move is actually very normal and very unhealthy. Oh my gosh.

45:24 Maybe I need a vacation at like, wait, what's that place that everyone goes to? That like rehab place.

45:31 Oh, White Lotus. No. No. Oh, it will come to me. There's a great place that everyone goes to. There's no grieving process. I don't need to grieve, though, because I have no feelings towards this person. No, that is untrue. You just said that that relationship that you were in for seven weeks fucked you up more because of your relationship.

45:54 Two weeks later, Amber, you already had a new guy for eight weeks that you just broke up with, and now you're on probation. I don't think I'm going to win this argument. Yes, you are correct.

46:05 The reason why Livingston fucked me up was because it was in real time. And I realized that there are scars because of my marriage that I will never be able to heal.

46:19 Like they're there.

46:20 They're just, it's like, they're just there. And so it's how I manage them. I learned, yeah, my picker, I don't know if my picker is still off, but it's like not.

46:31 Terribly off. It's much better than it was. I told you this. You're looking at me like I'm crazy. No, no, no. I told you this in the car that you are too incredible of a human and everyone enjoys you so much that why would you not want to enjoy your own self the way that we all do? Like, you're so fucking fun. You're so hot. You're beautiful, amazing, a good mom. Like, no one makes me laugh like you make me laugh. Why would you not... sit there and be like i'm just gonna enjoy myself for a moment i'm gonna unpack because you're attracting a certain type of guy and by the way my wounds and the way that i'm moving and operating i'm attracting not good dudes right like i said we both have our shit that

47:13 we need to work on you move quickly i close off which both ways are not the right right we should like We should have these conversations because if we can take you and me and mix it together, we're going to be in such a good spot and attract the greatest of humans.

47:30 I hear you loud and clear. And I know that that's what I'm doing. I'm sitting here in the discomfort.

47:36 Yeah. And by the way, you've never looked better. Your eyes are clear. You don't look sad. When you were with that guy, you would show up and there was just like a heaviness. Like I could tell like something was weighing on you. I still loved being around you, but your eyes looked... Like you had a lot happening in your mind.

47:53 Yes, yes.

47:54 I see that in other people.

47:56 So I get that that's how you were perceiving me or how I was showing up in the world.

48:01 Yeah. So yeah. And I will always baby you through those moments just like you babied me through my crazy whacked shit. Yeah. Like I'm the girl who will move you in. Three months in and I've met you a handful of times. You know? You love bomb me via text.

48:17 Done.

48:18 Here I am. All of me. Take me. You know? I'm so closed off until I'm not.

48:25 Yeah.

48:25 I got to learn. I got a lot of fucking work to do. Who doesn't? I know.

48:31 I know.

48:42 Oh, reaches for your hand in public. I love that. I don't even know how that would feel.

48:47 That's funny. So I dated a guy and that was my biggest issue with him.

48:52 He wouldn't do that?

48:53 He would not hold my hand. And I was like, that's really important to me.

48:58 That's important to me too. That's foreplay.

49:00 Holding my hand, grabbing my hand, and even like kissing my hand.

49:04 Oh. Yeah, I'm not asking you to like make out with me in public. No, I don't want to make out with you in public. No.

49:09 Like I would rather you like playfully grab my ass and pretend that no one's looking. But you know, everybody just saw and I'm like, you know, beat red in the face because that's so cute like grab my hand you squeeze my tush and tell me like how amazing it is right now.

49:24 Yeah i love that like whisper in my ear something really cute yeah yeah i love that yeah there's this old couple that walks around my neighborhood every morning when i get in the car to take ocean to school and they're always holding hands And they're old. And it's not to keep each other up. They're holding it because they like each other. They're like legitimately in love. Puts gas in your car. I love this. That's very sweet.

49:54 I do love that. Remembers your coffee order. How would that feel? Backs into a parking spot perfectly hot.

50:04 Yes, that is hot. And is a good driver. I can't stand guys that are aggressive drivers.

50:10 Let me tell you something. That's a red flag. Can I tell you? When they are aggressive drivers, I'm like, I have two children at home. And I would like to make it back safely. If you want to drive like a fucking bat out of hell when no one's on the road, you want to flip your shit, go for it. I don't give a fuck what you do with your own life. But when I'm in your car and there's other people who have loved ones in their car, I'm going to need you to come correct. Yes. Blowing through red lights. No, I can't. You're crazy. It's nice to hear friends when you're not around. I love that. Yeah. Yes.

50:47 A hundred percent. I hope that I find a dude who feels like he can text my friends and be like, I want to plan a surprise party for law. Yes. And they like help him do it. Yes. You know, I love that.

50:58 I'm adding that to my list actually today. I have a list at my negotiables, non-negotiables and what is it? Negotiables, non-negotiables and.

51:06 My dream guy. Oh, I'm going to do that tonight. I did that. Or like if I'm out of town or whatever the reasoning, like my group of friends are going out with their guys, they're like, hey, so-and-so, do you want to join us? And they like all go out, even if I can't be there. Yeah. So cute.

51:23 I also love a guy, a non-negotiable for me really fast, speaking of that, it's you don't have to get down with every type of country music, but you have to at least let me listen to some of it. Like, you know, I don't need to listen to like You know, whatever. But there are like, I think it says a lot about a guy if they're like into country music.

51:43 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to be kind of across the board. Yeah. I need you to go from like Jasmine Sullivan to like Taylor Swift to Tupac. Speaking of Taylor Swift. Our song. Our song. Patient Zero. That is our song. That's our song. She's created two songs now where I'm like, this is for me and Amber. That's crazy.

52:06 What's the first one? Vigilante shit. Oh. She's done three. What's the other one? Bad Blood. Yeah, but that wasn't for us, was it?

52:14 No.

52:14 I'm talking about our love story. Oh, yeah. Vigilante and, yeah. After this podcast, maybe we have fucking Bad Blood. No, I'm kidding. Did I offend you? No. Okay. No. I will tell you. And feel free to come for me. I know that my shit does stink.

52:32 No, I don't need to because you know. You just remind me.

52:35 I do. I do remind you. But I need to be reminded, so I love you.

52:40 No, I don't.

52:40 Where's a backwards hat while doing yard work? I don't fuck with the hat backwards. I like it forward. Yeah, forward is hot.

52:49 Tips? Well, that's not important to me. Like he has to tip, but he can't like over tip.

52:55 Puts his hand on your back while walking through a crowded room. Oh, I love that. Can I tell you what I love so much? What? That one of my exes used to do. We would be walking. Let's just say like in a neighborhood and then you get to a main road and he would switch places with me. So he was near the street and I was closest to the buildings.

53:19 Mm-hmm.

53:20 I love when you do that. Like what you do with your little kids. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're supposed to do that with the kids? Well, yeah, I do. I'm kidding. Okay. Isn't that cute? Yes, that's very cute. I love that. Is respectful to his exes. I'm into that. I don't need you guys to be friends, but if you come to me and say we broke up because she's crazy, I'm like, no, you're crazy. Yes, exactly. You're the problem.

53:45 But I didn't learn that until our situation. You know? Yeah. Be protective without being possessive. I know. It's a fine line, right? Yeah. It is a fine line. That's a really fine line. And you only understand that with experience in relationships and as you get older. It's amazing. I think about my parents and how they're still married after all these years.

54:09 I'm like, wow. So many, like, what, you said they started dating at like 15? Yeah. Imagine how much evolving happens... Just individually. Mm-hmm. And having to say, like, are we choosing to evolve together? Yeah, and I keep choosing you. Yes. You have to wake up and you have to fucking choose that person. I know. Through it all. That's a lot of work. Oh, but imagine how comfortable they are with each other. Oh, I know. They're probably a little too comfortable with each other. No, there's no such thing.

54:41 They do really have such an incredible relationship. I get more and more vulnerable as I'm getting older and I see them getting older and I'm like, You really, what is so funny?

54:52 I'm thinking about couples that get really comfortable with each other and it's really sweet. And after you finish, I'm just going to tell one story before we sign off. No, no, no, please. I'm done. Go ahead. Are you sure? Yeah. Cause now I don't even know what I was going to say. No, cause I'm picturing like how you get that comfortable, like how your parents are, how my parents were. And there was a night that we had a girl's night at Brittany's and the food did not sit right with Janet.

55:16 And she's in the bathroom. And I'm like, Janet, I'm leaving you. She's like, no, don't leave. Like, I need to go home. And you're my ride. And I cannot shit my pants in an Uber. And I'm like, you better not shit your pants in my car. Anyway, she finishes. We get in the car. She tells me to drive fast.

55:31 She calls Jason on the phone. And she's like, hey, can you unlock the door? My asshole is on fire. And I've had chronic diarrhea for the past hour. So like, I just need the door to be unlocked so I can run in. And he was like, yeah, perfect. All right, sounds good. I was like, aw. I want that. That's very cute. To be able to tell the person who you have sex with that like things are just a little off right now and you help me out and then still want to sleep with you after. Are you ready to fuck? Yes. That was a really cute episode.

56:03 Thank you guys for listening to another episode of An Unlikely Affair. We'll catch you guys next week. Bye.