Sex Unlocked: 20 Ways to Orgasm with Susan Bratton

0:00 Let's talk about sex, baby. Hello, my little sex pots. Welcome back to Sex Unlocked. Sally, is this like fresh hair or are we still rocking the hair from Victoria's Secret Fashion Show?

0:13 I just got a blowout. I got one at 9 a.m. this morning.

0:16 It looks bomb.

0:20 Thank you.

0:20 It's the start of FanFest. Oh, I look my best. That's right. What is FanFest? I think it's like a mini BravoCon.

0:31 Oh, that's cute.

0:32 Yeah.

0:32 So you have to go there today?

0:34 No, it's just like today's like a lot of people are coming into in town today. Andy Cohen gets here today.

0:39 Oh, how fun. Yeah, it's fun. And it's his first time in Geraldston, which I can't believe.

0:45 What?

0:46 Yeah, he's never been here.

0:47 Oh, take him out on the town.

0:49 Craig and Chef and Austin are taking him out.

0:52 That is adorable.

0:53 They're having a little boys night. He's going to have the time of his life. I know they're going to have so much fun.

0:59 You looked so hot at the Victoria's Secret fashion show. I won't even lie. I was like, damn, damn. That was a dream.

1:06 Did you have the best time?

1:07 I mean, I seriously was like, I almost started crying when the curtains opened and the first angel came out. Cause I can remember being in like high school.

1:14 Watching it?

1:15 With my friends, like having sleepovers, watching it.

1:17 Yeah.

1:18 I never thought I would be invited to it.

1:21 I love that.

1:21 In my life. I know. It was amazing. Tate McRae.

1:24 Yeah.

1:25 She looked bangin'. Hot.

1:28 Yeah.

1:29 My trainer trains her.

1:31 Really?

1:32 Mm-hmm.

1:33 She's so good looking.

1:35 She's for sure good looking.

1:36 And she can dance.

1:38 Oh, she got moves for days.

1:40 She's got moves.

1:40 And she got pipes. She's all the things.

1:44 I always say if I could sing, it would be over for you bitches.

1:47 Right?

1:48 She's a triple threat now.

1:50 Could you imagine if you could sing?

1:51 I mean, I can hold a note. I'm certainly not Whitney Houston.

1:56 Yeah.

1:57 Yeah. Not Whitney Houston. I'm not Tate McRae, but bitch, I can hit them low notes.

2:03 Oh, I'm terrible.

2:05 And don't listen to anything that's available on iTunes because every song on iTunes, I was fucking shwasted. Wait, you sing?

2:14 You have songs?

2:15 Yeah, I have songs. Wait, hold on. Can't say any that I'm super proud of, but... Am I supposed.

2:22 To know this?

2:23 No, why would you know this?

2:25 Why would I not know this? This is amazing.

2:28 I'm going to go listen to your entire... Please don't.

2:32 Please don't do that. Please don't do that.

2:35 I'm excited.

2:36 I used to go to a studio with like a gang of dudes and have a bottle of Jack Daniels honey whiskey.

2:44 You're kidding.

2:45 And be fucking plowed. What kind of songs? that was the first one i did with james.

2:59 Kennedy my caney's gonna drop.

3:07 Not much has changed except for like if someone told me it's weird because i have to like have that idea on my own right to be like i'm gonna talk this way if someone said we have a song for you and they told me you're gonna talk about how your panties drop, I would be like clutching my pearls. Like absolutely not. Are you crazy? I have to have the idea on my own. How did we get on that from Victoria's Secret? Oh, can I tell you my most favorite part of the fashion show?

3:34 Yes.

3:37 I loved how nervous Kylie Jenner looked.

3:40 She, I think she was nervous.

3:42 She was.

3:43 And do you know how heartwarming that was?

3:45 So sweet. She looked incredible.

3:50 She always slaps.

3:51 There's people online right now being like, she doesn't have the body of a model.

3:54 Why is she here?

3:55 That is so fucking rude.

3:58 I'm like, shut the fuck up.

4:01 Who thinks that way anymore?

4:03 Her mom was sitting like 10 feet away from me with Timothy. Oh my God.

4:07 And I was just watching them. It was so cute. It was so cute.

4:12 I'm obsessed. Yeah, like she kind of looked like a deer in the headlights. And I don't know why it melted my heart. I was like, this is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

4:20 I wish I would have been surprised because I didn't like probably two minutes before she came out. My friend texted me and was like, rumor has it Kylie's walking. Timothy and Chris are in the front row. And then she walked out and I was like, damn it. That would have been a great surprise.

4:38 Did people go crazy though?

4:40 Insane.

4:41 Insane they turned the lights off and you couldn't see who it was like they turned the lights on her face off and then when she got onto the stage it like the lights hit her face and everyone's like oh my god that's Kylie Jenner oh my god I have chills yeah it was insane I had chills the entire night.

4:56 How could you not and all of these women who are like in their 40s um Barbara Palvin who gave birth like six weeks prior let.

5:05 Me tell you her husband Sitting right across from me. I was zooming in on his reaction.

5:12 He was so sweet when she walked. I mean, the way he was like looking at the other girls, he was supportive. And then she came out and he was like on his feet, like fist pumping.

5:21 Yes.

5:22 The whole time. And he was just smiling, videoing her the whole time. I was like, King.

5:28 Would you walk if they asked you?

5:31 Yeah. They would never ask me.

5:33 That's completely untrue.

5:36 But I would.

5:36 Would you?

5:37 Yeah.

5:40 I mean, how could you say no to that? But I would be very, very nervous. Like I am the type that doesn't get, I wish I were the type that got excited for certain things. I don't get excited. I get really nervous and I want it to be over.

5:56 Yeah.

5:57 Just take a beta blocker.

5:58 Oh yeah, that'd be nice. Zombie face.

6:01 I didn't think those worked, but me and Shep hosted an event this on Friday. Yeah.

6:06 Did you take one?

6:08 And I took one.

6:09 And like my heart wasn't beating fast or anything, which usually is, which makes me have that, that bubble in my throat.

6:15 And it just took all of it away. Yeah.

6:18 I mean, because I'm sober, I have to be very careful about what I take, but.

6:22 Because my, no.

6:24 And that's why they put me on beta blockers because, and I don't, I don't take them very often. It's when like, I really can't get rid of the elephant on my chest and it becomes debilitating, but like a beta blocker sometimes saves my whole life.

6:37 Yeah.

6:38 That's not, that was my first time taking one.

6:40 And then obviously I got prescribed Xanax for the first time, but I've only been, I've only had.

6:45 Like half of one.

6:46 I don't think I should ever do that again because I ordered so much shit on Revolve last night.

6:51 I woke up this morning.

6:52 On a Xanax?

6:53 Yeah.

6:54 Oh my God.

6:56 I was drinking wine too.

6:57 Oh, my God. Sally, you're giving me a fucking heart attack right now.

7:02 Jesus.

7:03 I had anxiety last night. I had to take I had to take something. And I haven't spoken to ghosts since that whole thing. And he FaceTimed me yesterday. Anytime I go through a breakup, I'm changing my hair like.

7:13 No, but by the way, when you go through a breakup, like women who get cheated on for the most part, go like bleach blonde. When my dad died, I went jet black.

7:22 Really?

7:22 Oh, yeah.

7:23 I matched my soul. I was like, I look good. It looked harsh.

7:27 I feel like it brought.

7:29 Out my eyes cause I have green eyes. So it takes like the, the dark brought my eyes out, but I was unwell.

7:37 Yeah.

7:37 It was black as night.

7:40 And I feel like he would like look really good.

7:44 Yeah. It was fun for the time being. And then I got cheated on and went bleach, bleach blonde. And now I'm in a happy place and we're like more natural and just like covering.

7:53 The grays up.

7:54 I love the natural, the natural colors.

7:57 I was just like the way my hair feels with the natural color. Like I look back on photos when I was bleach blonde and number one, I looked like I had a helmet on. I'm like, who told me that this looked good?

8:06 Yeah.

8:07 It was like Barbie blonde.

8:09 That's me in my first season. And I was fat.

8:11 I was bleach blonde, fat, and I had tan blindness.

8:17 You can imagine what that looked like.

8:19 Wait, you had tan blindness? What does that mean?

8:22 I still do. But like, I was just too tan.

8:24 You don't realize how tan you are? Yeah.

8:26 I'm like, I need to go get more tan.

8:30 That's a Southern thing, I think. Southern and Jersey, maybe.

8:34 Yeah.

8:34 It was terrible.

8:36 Yeah. There were seasons where I was really into my spray tan. Now I'm so obsessed with my bedding that I'm like, I'm not putting anything on my body. I'm just rocking my natural skin tone because I'm not going to have orange sheets. I just refuse. And I spent way too much money on them. Like my whole set is like five grand. They can't turn orange.

8:56 Yeah.

8:57 I dropped coin on my bedding.

8:59 You can bleach it.

9:01 Oh no. Cause then it turns the fabric all weird.

9:04 Okay. See, I have to bleach everything in my room. Everything's orange.

9:08 Oh my God, Sally. I'm having anxiety.

9:09 I was looking at, honestly, I was in the, in surgery yesterday and I was like, undraping the robot.

9:19 After, cause we drape it every time. So it's sterile.

9:21 And I took the drape off and there's like little orange fingerprints, like all over the, from my makeup.

9:28 Doesn't sound very sterile to me.

9:30 Well, you put a freaking sterile thing on it. That's why we have the sterile thing.

9:34 Oh, it's like not a, it's not like a bed sheet. I'm picturing you like, time to go to bed.

9:38 And I wipe it down after every surgery, but still my orange fingerprints, I was like, okay, maybe I should stop.

9:44 I feel like you have a good natural skin tone. No. My biggest fear is like rolling around, like kissing a boy before we're like off to the races and he has like a white tee on and you've got my body makeup, my body spray tan, my face makeup. Oh yeah.

10:00 I don't care. I'm giving it, I'm putting it all over that t-shirt.

10:04 I kind of really step my game up. I don't know when I became so OCD in particular. I'm like, we can't do that. I'll get makeup on your perfectly white shirt. Take it off.

10:14 Really?

10:15 Kind of. I have very little control of my life. So I try to control the things that I can.

10:20 I'm like, that's your fault for wearing a white t-shirt around me.

10:22 Yeah, don't wear a white shirt around me because I have a face and body full of makeup. I wear this body makeup by, I think it's Westmore and that shit is bomb. They use it on Dancing with the Stars.

10:33 Oh, can we talk about that?

10:35 Are you talking about the Julia Stiles dance?

10:38 All of them.

10:39 I only watched the Julia Stiles one. I don't watch Dancing with the Stars. I just saw a clip that someone posted and she's like, I hate that you didn't call, but I don't hate you at all. Like they played like the clip from 10 things I hate about you.

10:52 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one was, everyone was sobbing.

10:57 How could you not?

10:59 And then the one, I don't know their name, with the sister that pulled her out of her depression.

11:05 It was intense. You got to look it up on TikTok.

11:09 Is that a Nader sister?

11:10 No.

11:12 It was just one of the, she was like going through a really hard time and she was literally like dedicated the dance to her sister because she pulled her out of depression.

11:20 Oh, it's, I know who you're talking about. It's the figure skater. Amber, right? Yes.

11:24 Yes.

11:25 Maybe I should not be sleeping on dancing with the stars. Is this Sierra's season? Is Sierra on it?

11:32 She got it off, unfortunately.

11:35 Oh, but it is her season, right?

11:36 Yes.

11:37 Okay.

11:38 Yeah.

11:38 And then there was Tyler Cameron and his girlfriend, Tate. He dedicated the dance to his mom and revealed that she's pregnant with a baby.

11:48 Oh, they're like, they're engaged. That's his fiance. I got to stop watching.

11:55 Just dedication. Just dedication.

11:57 Just dedication night. I love a dedication night. Like if you can bring me to tears, I'm trying to watch.

12:04 That's the one you watch.

12:05 Okay.

12:06 Done. Um, Real quick, because we do have a guest today. We have Susan Bratton and I'm super excited because she's like an intimacy expert. And I could use, I could use this moment to pick her brain about like why I feel more comfortable smashing someone than like sitting at dinner with them. Like sitting at dinner with someone feels way more intimate to me than like having sex with them.

12:36 That's like a real problem. That can't happen.

12:38 Wait, no, I think that is, I think you're, I think you're right.

12:42 All right. So we both need her. We both fucking need Susan today. Before we bring her on though, you must show the dress that you wore to the Victoria's Secret fashion show.

12:52 Um, okay. The back or the front?

12:56 Both. Um, okay. The front was gorgeous, but then you said your bum was all the way out. And I was like, I did not see bum. Oh, Sally. Oh yeah.

13:07 I loved that dress. And that was not even my first pick. The other dress didn't come last minute and we were like panicking. Where's my bum?

13:14 Do you work out?

13:15 No.

13:16 That's just your God given body.

13:18 Yeah. I don't, I don't, I don't work out. You're a fucking asshole. But I'm like always running around doing something.

13:24 I know, but that doesn't even count.

13:26 Like in the operating room, I'm like on my feet all day. Yeah.

13:31 But that wouldn't give you the ass that you have. That's just genetic. You're very lucky.

13:35 Well, thank you. It was black, but I feel like black might've been too harsh.

13:38 No, I'm so happy you didn't wear black. I mean, it's gorgeous. It's stunning, but not to the Victoria, Victoria's secret fashion show was like angels. Like that's the whole point is like light and airy, like pretty light, light baby pinks and white and creams.

13:56 Yeah.

13:56 Everyone looked so good.

13:58 I think they posted you with that Stassi girl.

14:01 I'm literally just looking at that. She's gorgeous.

14:04 Yeah.

14:04 She's like, I like it.

14:06 I feel like I have her hair color right now and I really like her hair color.

14:10 You may need to send me that hair color because that may be a good one for me.

14:14 I love it.

14:15 I think it's like a nice honey caramel brown.

14:18 It has like a little red in it.

14:20 It does have a red hue. I don't do well with red. So I would have to like have them tweak it a bit.

14:25 I hate red.

14:26 What do you mean?

14:26 I don't like when red's in my hair, but I'm just embracing it.

14:32 There's not enough red for you to be like freaking out on it. No, it's just a hue. It's just a color palette of like, what tones are you picking up? We'll talk about hair in a minute, though, at a later date. We have our guest. Let's bring her on. I'm super hyped. Oh, hi.

14:57 Hi.

14:59 Oh my gosh, you're so gorgeous and fabulous.

15:03 Well, when you're on TV with major celebrities, you got to bring it.

15:08 Oh, tell me more. Tell me more. Where are you located?

15:12 Thank you. I'm in Geneva, Switzerland right now. Wow. It's so beautiful here. It is just absolutely stunning.

15:22 Geneva.

15:23 Well, we are so thrilled to have it. We've gone international, baby. I love this.

15:27 Yeah, you have. Yeah, great. Congrats on your new show.

15:32 Thank you. We're so happy to have you as a guest. And the moment that we heard we were having you on and it was like, she's an intimacy expert. I was like, you know, Sally and I could both learn a few things. So you initially started a career in tech, but behind the scenes, your marriage was struggling after years of unsatisfying intimacy. She and her husband had a choice, get divorced or fix their sex life. They chose to fix it. And what they learned became her life's work.

16:01 I'm so... Are you guys still together?

16:02 35 years.

16:04 Wow. Oh, my gosh.

16:06 I have to give you.

16:07 When I was putting this top on, my husband was like, God, I love your boobs.

16:14 It's so cute.

16:15 Well, I see them and who wouldn't?

16:18 You never get tired of them.

16:20 You know, that's what's so crazy is like.

16:23 They never get tired of us.

16:25 No.

16:26 I mean.

16:28 men are so fascinating to me. Like obviously women are too, but men, I just wonder like when you were going through the rough spot in your marriage, did you find like that everything else was working well? Or did you find that the intimacy was kind of the end all be all?

16:43 It was, was kind of a yes. And, um, we, I was in my early forties. How old are you guys?

16:49 31.

16:50 She's 31.

16:50 I just turned 36.

16:54 Okay, so you're in your 30s still. So I was 42, and I'd been married for 11 years, and I really was avoiding my husband for sex. I had been faithfully having sex with him for 11 years, almost 12, because that was how long we'd been married. And I had never had an orgasm from intercourse. And after a while, I was just like, I don't want to do this.

17:21 It was doody booty, mercy sex, you know, like, oh, I just was not into it at all. And I had an incredible career, which I still have an incredible career, but now I know how to make time for my sex life. And we had an adorable little girl and we were really good friends and we were really good together.

17:41 But in all honesty, just looking back at it all, like what was the problem? We just didn't know what we were doing. Who does? Sex is censored. We don't get a decent sex education. Everything we see in the media is porn or porn derivative. It's all for the male gaze. It's all penis oriented. And so- Women are running around, like, almost always you hear, you know, low libido.

18:06 I'm like, low libido, in all honesty, I don't even think that's a thing. It's kind of like premature ejaculation. That's not really a thing either. Yes, if you come before you want to, it's because you're freaking nervous. It's anxiety. You know, low libido, if you had great sex skills, even if your estrogen was in the tank, It's not going to make you not want sex. Estrogen in the tank makes your vagina tissue thin, so you have trouble getting as lubricated as you could. But the lubrication really comes from arousal. And so if the sex isn't good, you're not going to get lubricated. All these kind of medical terms for shitty sex.

18:57 That's what they really are.

18:58 It's like, how about if we have sovereignty, agency over our sexuality. We know what we want. How about if we could see some things that were like, well, if we could do that, I'd want sex, right? I think the biggest issue is the censorship and the oppression of female pleasure forward lovemaking techniques and communication skills. So women think they're broken. My husband thought, well, I guess she just can't have an orgasm from sex, but I... still wanted. And, you know, and like, I felt that it was my duty.

19:35 It was duty, but like, I married him, I got a saccharine, so I'm going to do it even if I don't come. And it's like, and then women think there's something wrong with them. And their men are like, well, I guess there is, but still we're going to do it. And so that was kind of the problem. And the other thing is there's nothing that we ever see out in the world that's like, well, here's what it looks like when it takes women 20 minutes to get turned on.

20:01 They got to get out of their head. They got to get into their body. They need to get things off their chest. They need to be held. Like everything is about, if I just push this button and spin this dial, she's going to get altered. And it's like so much pressure for us. It's like, that's our performance anxiety.

20:17 Am I going to come? And people think that some women can orgasm and some women don't or whatever. It's bull pucky. It is completely that if there's over 20 kinds of orgasms the human body can have.

20:30 Oh, my God. 20?

20:31 It's literally like reading 20. And the 20th one is wild card. It's just, you know, I'm still finding new ways that we can have orgasmic ecstasy. And I've been studying this in a very dedicated way for decades now. So I've had over 20 kinds of orgasms, no problem at all. But I didn't used to have any.

20:56 Wow.

20:58 I just figured out how, figured out. And then I just write it down. That's why I'm on my 35th book now. Oh my God.

21:06 Because what I like to do. Yeah.

21:07 Yeah. I like to teach people like, I'm like the Julia Childs of sex. Here's the recipe. Just do this.

21:13 I'm buying every book. I'm buying every book you've ever written.

21:17 Seriously.

21:17 Can I ask you a personal, when you talk about like you had never had an orgasm, was that only with intercourse or could you orgasm with a vibrator?

21:31 You should see my ancient rabbit vibrator I used to use 20 years ago, 25 years ago to get off on.

21:37 Oh my God.

21:39 But yeah, I could have an orgasm with a vibrator, but I couldn't from intercourse until I learned how, until I understood the mechanisms of action. I mean, Sally, you're kind of a science nerd, right? I mean, it's, you know, there's.

21:53 Just input your body needs.

21:54 I'm like thinking right now, have I ever had an orgasm from just intercourse?

21:58 Yes. I don't think I have.

22:01 You've never had an orgasm with just a, just a wiener?

22:04 No.

22:05 A wiener. A wiener.

22:07 Wow.

22:07 Why do you keep having sex then?

22:09 Well, I mean, I like, I've got to be like in a certain position where my clit is like having pressure at the same time as like they're having sex with me.

22:19 Right.

22:19 So then I come, but I feel like if I didn't have any pressure on my clit, like I would not just come from like pure, like intercourse.

22:27 Mm-hmm. You can. Your body has learned that one pathway so far, which is great. You've got your pathway going. A lot of women don't even have one. And so that's good. But it's really interesting that the vagina is like this little flat pocket. It's just a little flat pocket. It's not an inside-out penis. It's not the opposite of...

22:53 It's not like a tube.

22:54 And.

22:56 It's completely surrounded with all kinds of really interesting erectile tissue structures. Like, actually, I'll show you a picture of it. I don't want to hold it up long because the interweb might.

23:10 You know.

23:11 create a problem with your show because you know you might get like shadow banned or your account taken down if we show female genital.

23:21 Anatomy how dare we so i'll just show you really fast it's gorgeous it's.

23:30 So pretty it looks like a coral garden to me but i'm a scuba diver so it just looks so beautiful so the vagina is actually completely surrounded with erectile tissue But you know how your boyfriend, he'll see your boobs and get an erection? Yeah. He'll be like, boink. It happens really fast because he's got these three shoots of erectile tissue, these long pointy tubes that run down inside the penis. And when he gets aroused, that blood just runs in there. And that's how he gets his erections.

24:06 If you took those three tubes out and you wrapped it around that little pocket, that's what we have. But it's in all these nooks and crannies. You've seen the clitoris on the gram, right? You've seen the little head and you've seen the little arms, the cora, and you've seen the little legs that look like punching bags. That's all draped down there around the clitoris. And then there's another sponge on the bottom part of the vaginal pocket called the perineal sponge. So you've got all this tissue.

24:37 But it's really slow. It's like, first you need to feel safe and you need to feel turned on. You need to feel seen. You need to be touched. You need to be loved. And then you have to have some kissing and some breast pleasuring. And then you have to have some full body touch. And then maybe just, you know, a little bit of oral pleasuring or petting the kitty or whatever before... you're, you know, like.

25:08 Ready to go.

25:09 Counded like a porn star. Yeah. Which is what guys think they should be doing, right? Let's get it on! You know, it's like, oh, my God. And so the problem is that it takes us 10 or 20 or even sometimes 30 minutes to get that same... to get our lady boner, to get our glitter alone.

25:28 Yeah.

25:29 And he's already done and eaten a sandwich by then, you know? It's like everything... This is another thing that pisses me off about it, which is people think about foreplay and sex, but it's all the foreplay stuff that helps us get aroused enough to have orgasms without even touching the tip of our external clitoris. We don't even have to touch it. It'll just all be this lush, beautiful, plush peach. And then everything that happens just feels so incredible.

26:05 But we tend to rush through foreplay like it's an appetizer and we're trying to get to the main course. When for women's bodies, it's like, what do we like? We like girl dinner, which is what? All the little snacks and all the little things on our plate. Like literally sex for us is girl dinner because- We need to have all these. We don't want one big giant thing.

26:31 No, I'm a picker. I'm a picker.

26:33 Yeah, same.

26:35 And can I tell you, like, we had a sex therapist on. His name was Ian Kerner. And he said something so profound. And it made all the sense just as a woman for this man to be speaking my language, right? And he was like, when you think of foreplay, you think of the touch of, you know, maybe a finger slipped in, like all of these little things. And he was like, foreplay for a woman. starts before there's any intimacy involved. Maybe like, uh, you're doing the dishes and he comes up behind you. Like you go to dinner and he tells you how beautiful you look. Like those are the things that, because like you said, for a woman, if I don't feel comfortable with you, like I'm having, I'm having sex, but like for the most part, you're

27:25 probably not going to get me off because I have a mental block. And in order to get off, I need that block to be gone. And I need, like you said, the appetizer, you have to hit all the little notes for me to reach that point. Comfortability makes me a juicy lady. And just looking at you, you know, I'm getting off. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

27:56 There are moments where we got a ton of new relationship energy and we're really hot for someone and it's like incredibly exciting. But generally that fades pretty quickly. But what keeps that hot new relationship energy going in relationships, you need that trust and that safety, but you also need a lot, we need a lot of novelty and variety.

28:18 Like one of the things that I love to do is create erotic adventures, erotic play dates for couples. so that you're constantly learning new things together. So it's not the same old thing every single time. Like, we're going to kiss, I'm going to grab your boob, and I'm going to stick it in. Like, that's tiring after a while.

28:38 You want a lot more experiences.

28:43 So are you saying, like, you want people... I used to do this thing with one of my exes where I'd have him meet me in, like, a hotel lobby bar. And I would look completely different. And it was like, I'm not Lala for the night. Like you can call me Tiffany or whatever else. And it was so fun. And then I almost felt like I'm not worried because I'm not even me. Like Lala has been left at home.

29:05 She's in bed right now watching friends. She's chilling. Tiffany's a freak. That'll fuck you like a porn star.

29:12 All right. Tiffany is fun.

29:14 Tiffany's fun as hell.

29:17 Uninhibited.

29:19 I would say I don't necessarily want to fuck somebody like a porn star because that's performative for the male gaze.

29:27 Let's talk about this. I love this.

29:29 With that bullshit.

29:30 Okay.

29:32 So I really love... There's this idea of being really... a sovereign sexual creature that, that I want to have my own agency. I own my own body. I want to decide when I want to make love, how I want to make love, what I want the experience to be like. Because especially for us in the feminine body, we, you know, women who run with the moon, like we're on a moon cycle, even after menopause, we still have 30, 28 day cycles with the moon. And so sometimes we're a kitty cat and we just want you to love us and hold us and pet us and talk sweet to us and make us purr. And sometimes we're a lioness and we're ravenous for you and we want to throw you down on the bed and have our way with you and tell you exactly what we want. And

30:22 sometimes we want to be in like kind of a flow state where at one minute we're just soft and surrendered and in another minute we're on the prowl again with you. You know, just being able to be completely who you are in every single moment and ask for everything you want and have your partner be like, whatever you want, baby, let's do it. Or I don't know what I feel like. Give me some ideas. Make me some offers. I'll let you know if any of it sounds good. Or even things like, You're pounding away at me and I'm complete and you haven't come yet, but it's not my job to make you come. So I need you to stop now because I'm done. I've had enough and I just need to go to bed. Like not feeling like it's our job to do anything or

31:09 that we have any performance to do or any way that there should be any sex at all ever. I think that's really, really, really important for us to, I wish women had more, I wish every woman had the opportunity to have like 20 or 30 things on her sex life bucket list that she's super psyched to experience.

31:36 It's really hard for sex educators like myself to be out there And not be censored and not be shadow banned and not be deprecated. We can't advertise like lovemaking is harder to access information about than porn is. And so it's just going to thank you for having me on your show because we can talk about and give women ideas for things that they might really like. Like my 35th book that I'm working on right now is a book called Pet the Kitty. That's its placeholder name.

32:14 And it's really about having a yoni massage practice with your partner that gets you out of the idea that it's a race for intercourse and slows everything down. When guys are like, what's the number one sex technique you'd tell me? I say, slow down, stop, slow down, turn around, come get us. They're so far ahead and they're so performance driven and they're so goal oriented. And because they watch a ton of porn, that's what they see. They expect us to be like that. When what I think most women crave is heart connected, conscious, passionate, communicative, love making.

33:06 We want to be made love to. Yeah, we want to do that dirty, freaky shit sometimes. Of course we do. But that's not the only thing we want. We want very erotic orgasmic experiences. We want to have clitoral orgasms and vaginal orgasms. We want to activate our G spots. We want to de-armor them. We want to have female ejaculatory experiences, expressing our divine nectar. We want to try new sex toys while we make love. We want to have our, we want to have breast pleasuring. We want to have nipple gasms. We want to have throat gasms.

33:37 We want to do 69 that just creates this like incredible, circuit of sexual energy between us and our partner. We want to be cummed so well, we lose our fucking mind for a couple of hours. And so I just, I just would like more of that to be out in the world.

33:59 You, it's so crazy because I saw this thing the other day on Instagram and, and you're right. Anything about female pleasure is completely shunned. And censored. And it's like, oh, how dare we talk about a woman getting off? Yet, you know, this baseball player posted, you know, me and my son are trying to watch an MLB game. And you've got Megan Fox popping up with, you know, her brand new body, you know, promoting this erectile thing. dysfunction pill of some sorts. And it's like, that is plastered all over the place. Like men getting a fucking hard on.

34:37 And then they use this beautiful woman to make it happen. It's like, not only do you need the hot woman, but now you need a pill. Like, let's talk about what we need. Cause like you said, I would need, I need you to slow down. I need you to ask me how my fucking day is not just, can I put it in?

34:51 Like, no, I'm exhausted.

34:55 Like get me revved up. Get me revved up. Yes.

35:06 Yes, exactly. That's why I love petting the kitty, the yoni massage, because it's a practice that couples can have where you get to just like completely receive and your partner gets to just think about the next stroke on your vulva or in your vagina and that is slow and deliberate and makes this limbic connection that just gets you deeper and deeper into orgasmic pleasure. You know, it's interesting.

35:39 It reminds me too, that one of the things that I'm doing right now is I'm recording myself when I make love, just the audio recording. And I'm, my, my kind of like my dream is to, you know, one of my plans, I got three more books I'm writing and new sexual vitality thing I'm launching and all this stuff.

35:56 But I would love to have this in my fantasy. I don't know how it'll end up, but in my fantasy, it's like a quiz where you get to listen to these audio samples and you get to guess what kind of orgasm I'm having. And I think that would, wouldn't that be fun? Because I think it would be so illustrative to hear the difference between the, you know, the.

36:17 And the, oh, you know, and like all the other things in the end.

36:23 My favorite kind.

36:26 All the other things there. Oh, mine too. One of them. No, I can't.

36:30 I really did.

36:30 They're like my children, all my orgasms.

36:32 Like, you know, I got my mother covered.

36:34 With 20 kids and they all make a different sound, all my orgasms. I just think if more women heard authentic orgasmic expression, because moaning, is one of those things, any kind of breath work around sex, anything that's like, when you're drawing in the, you know, the oxygen to your body, it's releasing that blood flow into your pelvic bowl and it's plumping.

36:58 Up that peach.

37:00 And the interesting thing is that plumping up that peach, petting that kitty, bringing in all that blood flow, what it's literally doing in your body is it's it's generating more surface area in your genitals. Like your genitals go from flaccid to erect. They get plumped up. They get a clitoral, you get a clitoral erection. That little thing with the arms goes boom, you know, it gets really big.

37:25 She gets a fatty.

37:26 Yeah.

37:27 And when she does, then there's way more surface area sending signals to your biggest sex organ, your.

37:40 The brain is the biggest sex organ?

37:44 Yes, and the reason that it is is because it's your somatosensory cortex. It's processing what your genitals are feeling. And so when it's flaccid, like we may, as women, we make love with flaccid yonis. I like the word yoni. Do you guys know that word?

38:01 No, tell us what this yonis is.

38:03 Such a good word. It's Susan Bratton's favorite four-letter word. So please take it. Y-O-N-I, yoni. It's really a tantric lovemaking word for the female genital system. Like vagina is just the pocket on the inside.

38:21 Okay.

38:22 Vulva is just the external tissue. So it's just, you know, the labia, the mons, the vestibule, which is if you open your little labia inside there, that's the vestibule. And what's in there is the... tip of the clitoris and the exit where your pee and your female ejaculation comes out and the entrance to your vagina, which is a little sphincter muscle called your introital sphincter. And so you see all those things there. That's the vulva. But what we're not talking about is the actual clitoral body, the neck, the head, the arms, the legs, the urethral sponge. It's called a G-spot. It's not a spot. It's a long noodle, like a pool noodle. And then the perineal sponge on the bottom of the vaginal pocket, plus the vagina itself,

39:13 it has a lining, a vaginal mucosal lining. But what's great about the vagina is that all of the tissue, all in your pelvic bowl, all around that pocket, that gets engorged too, and that gets full of blood. So it gets plump and pillowy. So once all that stuff is plump and pillowy, that's the yoni. The yoni is all the parts.

39:36 All the parts.

39:36 Also, it's really like the comprehensive word for the entire female urogenital system. But it goes beyond that because it has like a spiritual aspect to it. A reverential aspect to it. And we women want and need to be worshipped and adored. We're not fuck toys. We are goddesses. And when we're treated like that and we're slow and the kitty gets petted, we get the yoni massage, we get the kissing, we get some nipple gasms and breast gasms and all of that stuff. And the words of appreciation, yes, God, you look so beautiful to me. You taste so good.

40:23 You're so gorgeous to me. I'm so, I'm just so in love with you. I just love being close to you. I've never been more turned on by any woman in my life.

40:34 You're the perfect woman for me.

40:36 It's so good.

40:38 And so Yoni to me is like all that reverential stuff with the slow pleasuring and No rush to perform. And let's just get into this ecstatic bliss state together. Let's just come and come and come and come.

40:58 I'm obsessed. Me too. I'm like, where do I find a man.

41:02 That is Susan?

41:04 I don't have what she's having.

41:07 I'm listening to you and I'm like, I can think of one person that I've had this with and it seriously is the only sex that I've had that I've like came numerous amounts of times like every time there.

41:20 You go so that's yeah I've only had one dude too but now I'm feeling like I should yes that's how you get us there now I'm feeling like I should take the cookie off the menu like you don't even get it until.

41:33 You're like yeah wanting to worship the ground I walk on there is something to like after I love my vibrators and my little toys and my little dildos and suckers and, and you can absolutely implement all of them into intercourse with like another person.

41:52 Right.

41:53 Love that. And I think a lot of women don't realize like, it's not just for you. Like there's so many different ways that you can use, you know, the female toys, you know, during sex with your partner, but like, When you talk about the blood, every time I use my vibrator and I have like a night with myself, right?

42:11 Like I'm in the bath and I'm getting, I'm setting the mood and I just feel her get like, she's a, she's a plump peach. She's like, she's nice and swollen. She's awake, swollen, ready to like do her thing. But the breath work too. Can I tell you, my friend called me the other day. She just had a baby and both of her kids, she had natural births, zero drugs.

42:35 And she said for both of them, when she's dilated or dilating and she's still got some time, she makes everyone exit the room. She has this one vibrator she uses. She has her breath work that she's perfected. She has an orgasm. And then from there goes straight to the hospital where her doula is waiting for her and has like these orgasmic births.

42:58 Wow.

42:58 Yes. I was, one of my girlfriends got pregnant about three, no, it'll be four years ago now. And I was her ecstatic birth partner for the whole 10 months of gestation of her daughter. I would come over to her house or she'd come over to mine and I would pleasure her breasts. I would rub all the stretch cream, so she didn't get stretch marks all over her belly. And then I would just... give her yoni massages and I would work with her on getting all that tissue really engorged and giving her a ton of orgasms and touching all the parts and being like, okay, what am I touching?

43:37 What am I touching now? What am I touching now? Okay, now try and squeeze my finger and squeeze it from the bottom of your vagina all the way up your vagina. I was trying to get her to like activate her pelvic musculature more.

43:51 Right.

43:52 And I was also doing a lot of work on her perineum and on that enteroidal sphincter and really rubbing it and getting it soft and juicy. And she was unable to birth at home because the baby did need to go. We needed to go to the hospital to get her out. But that little baby, every time my girlfriend would have orgasms, she was just flipping around in her belly. She was just really enjoying the pleasure of that.

44:21 And it made her maternity so much more relaxing and restful. We're not lovers. We're just really good friends. Like, really good friends. It was funny because she wasn't doing anything to get me off. It wasn't like we were having sex, quote unquote. But I was still coming, making her come. You know, there's a really nice, like, almost like a contact high you get when you're with... Like when you go to a specs party, if you haven't been to one, they're really fun. When other people are coming, it kind of really gets you turned on and it makes you start coming too. So we used to make love in caves all together. It was really beautiful. And we all had great orgasms together. And there are people who are

45:11 doing that still today. And they're... much more comfortable with their bodies, they're comfortable with their own eroticism than those of us who are just having kind of like furtive porn, you know, porn-informed sex with a single person, you know, hoping that we get off. Not that I'm suggesting that anybody who's watching or listening to us should be giving their girlfriend ecstatic birth yoni massages or going to sex parties.

45:36 That's not for everyone. But I'm a sex educator. I call myself an orgasmonaut. I go to the far reaches of orgasmic outer space. And I come back with the map to the territory so you can come as well as I do. That's what I am. I'm an experimenter, decades long experimenter, so that I have a really good sense of what it's going to take. Like you were saying, Lala, that you love sex toys. So many people are, they say negative things about it to suppress our orgasmic ecstasy.

46:09 Because what do sex toys do? The difference between an air stimulator, which is the... or an oscillator or a vibrator or the toys that have hot or cold temperature or whatever they may be there's like i don't know 14 or 15 different categories of sex toys i've counted them up once every single one of those stimulates different types of different types of like i Your touch that your skin feels like. There's light feathery touch is something called Meissner corpuscles. And pressure and vibration is the one that your bullet vibe gives you. It's Bissinian corpuscles that feel that. When you're getting like real long, nice, deep strokes, it's your Merkel's discs that are doing it. When you're stretched,

47:02 like one of the interesting things is that your vaginal opening loves when something goes in because it stretches that tissue. That's raffini nerve endings. I mean, it's just, there's thermoreceptors, there's mechanoreceptors, there's all these different nerdy things that if you just like look at what sex toys are doing, it's stimulating all these different signaling systems that are telling your brain to feel pleasure.

47:31 Wow they just came out with a um a sex toy that actually has red light and like warms up and then goes cold and then yeah i was like send it my way i'd love to give it a world i mean i am learning so much from you my mind is i am too i've.

47:51 Been like there's so much in the entire time no for real i'm just like Can I ask you about these?

47:58 So the other... This was like a couple... Gosh, maybe a month ago. My friend... So I've been sober for eight years. And so... I know.

48:09 Good for you.

48:10 Thank you. And I don't... Like back when I would drink, it would make me... I was just like releasing my inhibitions to the wind, right? Like I was just free as a bird. Now I'm very present with where I am and I am unaware of if I'm comfortable or uncomfortable. And that's not to say like the man in front of me is not sexy, but I'm in my head.

48:33 So she recommended these chocolates, these like arousal chocolates by Alice. I don't know if you've heard of them. How do you feel about, it has like, what is it? Sexy goat? Or something in it?

48:45 Horny goat weed.

48:49 Is that a placebo effect or does that shit really work?

48:52 That shit really works. I think there are a lot of different libido botanicals and kind of aphrodisiacs that work really well. Often, if you're in your head, ashwagandha is a really good one because it kind of calms your nervous system down and lets you get out of your head and into your body. But you know what else really works is Holding and being held being held is a really good way to calm yourself down because one of the techniques that I have is called the soulmate embrace.

49:23 And the soulmate embrace, I wrote it I wrote it for men, but I find that women download it and give it to their guys and say, I want you to hold me like this. And most of our partners, they do more like a catch and release. They hug and then they let go. But when you have an extended time where you're held by your lover and you're able to just be in their arms and get things off your chest... say whatever you need to say, rail against the universe when you need to. And then you get that out of your system. And sometimes you'll even, tears will come to your eyes, you'll cry. That's the first sign of arousal is when your mouth gets like extra spit. And when your eyes tear up, Sometimes you can even, have you ever felt your breasts kind of

50:21 let down, like almost drop or like almost get goose bumpy? Yes. That's another beginning release of arousal. And then the blood can roll from your pelvic bowl, from your body into your pelvic bowl. We don't have all the blood in our pelvic bowl that we need when we're getting turned on. It has to be recruited from all over our body to go in there to seep through the vaginal lining.

50:47 and lubricate us. Our vagina is not a gland, it's a muscle. And so it has to seep in there slowly, which is why when you're going through perimenopause and you're noticing your lubrication drop, it's because the vaginal lining gets thin and it's like a sponge that doesn't hold as much water anymore. Plus nitric oxide production falls as you age, especially if you're not eating your leafy green vegetables or drinking your beet juice and the things that allow your veins to squeeze the blood down into your yoni to get that plumpness going. So holding and being held gets you out of your monkey mind where you're always kind of like, gotta look around because I don't walk in this world safe and it's super stressful. It gets you

51:42 out of that. You feel safe and protected. And then you start to kind of let down and get turned on. And that's the very beginning. So yes, some of the most powerful aphrodisiacs are maca, cacao, which is dark chocolate, tribulus terrestris, which is a little Mediterranean puncture vine that it kind of makes you flirty. For me, the sensation that I have is flirty. When I take maca or tonkat ali, it's more masculine. It's more like, get over here.

52:21 It's that kind of thing.

52:23 I need the flirty one. I've got enough masculine energy happening.

52:27 I'm too flirty.

52:28 Okay, that's good to know. Another flirty one that's more like dreamy is fenugreek. Fenugreek is very like ethereal. Like if you want cosmic, ecstatic, orgasmic bliss states, take some fenugreek. It's super nice.

52:44 God, I'm getting all of this.

52:45 All of these, you know, we humans have been rolling around on this planet for hundreds of thousands of years. And we have been eating plants to try to get horny our entire existence on earth. And each area, like Maka is from South America, Tongkat Ali is from Southeast Asia. Tribulus terrestris is from the Mediterranean. Fenugreek's Ayurvedic. It's from India.

53:10 So we have found the things that make us horny. You know what else makes you horny?

53:16 What?

53:16 Semen. Semen makes you horny. It has over 20 components that are aphrodisiac will make you, they make you want more sex. You get testosterone from a partner. And the more that you, you know how like the more sex you have, the more you want kind of thing sometimes? Like you get turned on, you know?

53:37 So that we should be swallowing then?

53:41 I think there are no studies that have, that anyone's ever done that say what happens when the semen hits the stomach acid.

53:51 Okay.

53:51 So in your vagina- It does. Your vagina is a sponge, so it absorbs it.

53:57 You know what.

53:58 Else is really interesting? In semen, there's something called spermidine, speramine, and putrescine, which are things that help. They're polyamines that actually are longevity. They support your longevity. When you extend your sex span, you actually extend your health span and your happiness span. So having this idea of, okay, I'm going to be a lifetime... That's glad you're doing the show because... You're attracting people who are curious and open to learning things about sex, like you are. And I find, literally, my brand is Better Lover. How to be a better lover.

54:35 That's my brand. And- I attract people who have a growth mindset, who want physical health, who care about their bodies. Like everything from like Pilates teachers and bodybuilders and entrepreneurs, people who are running their businesses. They're like growth mindset people. They know that the more they learn, the better they get.

55:01 And your sexual maturation is, is the other side of the same coin of your personal growth and development. Because if you're personal growth oriented, you're always learning new things, having those new erotic adventures. And when you do that, and the interesting thing about it is that if you want to be a really good lover and have an incredibly erotic, pleasurable, fulfilling sex life that makes you feel even more confident and more passionate about being alive, which is what it does. You can learn anything in any order that you want. You can learn, I want to get really good at oral. I want to have throatgasms.

55:44 I want to have an orgasm from intercourse. I want, you know, whatever it is. I want to awaken my G-spot. I want to learn how to have female ejaculatory orgasms. I want to have nipplegasms. I want to do all of these things. Whatever one is appealing to you, you just learn that one. And then you'll be like, okay, now what I want to do is I I want to understand what all this thing is about flogging and spanking.

56:08 That's interesting to me. I was like, you try that. You try that. You have that experience. And then you're like, okay, the next thing I want to do is I want to learn yoni massage. I want to have a yoni massage practice or whatever it might be. It's like when you have that kind of appetite and attitude, your sex life gets better and better and better as you age.

56:29 It's a total lie that you hit your peak in your 30s. I am. I haven't even hit my peak and I'm 65 years old and I'm having the best sex of my life.

56:41 Yeah, you look amazing.

56:43 No, I think that whole thing of women peak in their 30s, I think that that is just such a bullshit, antiquated way of thinking. Patriarchal, repressive.

56:55 100%.

56:55 Just like vibrators are going to numb you out. No, it's just all this....

57:01 Exactly. Oh my gosh. I could talk to you all the.

57:04 Live long day.

57:05 You are fabulous.

57:08 The boys need to listen to this.

57:10 Yes.

57:10 I'm going to promote this to the men, but where can people, where can people find you, Susan?

57:16 Easy. Better lover.com.

57:19 Better lover.com.

57:21 I have a newsletter there. I send it out twice a week with all these kinds of sex tips and And if you go to betterlover.com and you get on my newsletter and you have a question for me, you can reply to any newsletter. This is for your listeners. Reply to any newsletter that comes into your inbox and just ask me anything. What's made me good at what I do besides being a science nerd? Because I think it's important to understand how our bodies work.

57:47 Yes, of course.

57:47 What's made me good at what I do is I am like the dear Abby of sex in that way. I answer every email I get. And most of the time, they're questions that I've heard a million times. And I'm like, yeah, here's an article that answers that question. Or here's a free ebook that, you know, go try that. I think this will be the thing that you need. Or I hear what you're asking me, but I think what you really want to know is this. And they're like, yes, I didn't even know what I was asking for.

58:16 But.

58:17 I do that and nobody else gets those emails but me. My care team doesn't get those. Those are private to me. So if you go to Better Lover and you have a question for any of your listeners, you'll get a response from me.

58:29 Oh, you are so fabulous. Thank you so much for taking time for us.

58:33 Thank you so much.

58:34 That was great to talk to you. Are you on Instagram?

58:38 Oh yeah, it's my name, Susan Bratton.

58:40 Oh, I'm giving you a follow like right this second. You're incredible. I hope that you have a wonderful, is it vacation or you want a trip?

58:49 Yeah, I'm just working from Geneva.

58:51 Okay, we'll have a fabulous time working in Geneva. Thank you again. I want to thank you guys for listening to another episode of Sex Unlocked and we will catch you guys next week. Bye. Bye.