I PROVED my independence to my family... now they expect me to take care of them! -r/BestofRedditorUpdates | Reddit Stories | EP3121

0:00 Hey, this is Dakota.

0:01 And this is Riley, your favorite OK Storytime host. And we got some great stories coming up.

0:05 But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from the sponsors that keep this show alive. I proved my independence to my family. Now they expect me to take care of them.

0:15 Sounds like you need a new independence day.

0:18 I'm 27 female, and I have an older sister who's 35 female. Growing up, my parents were always very big on independence and responsibility. They made it clear that once we became adults, we were expected to handle our own lives, and I really.

0:32 Took that to heart.

0:33 I worked through college, lived with roommates to keep my expenses down, and built everything for myself step by step without asking them for help. It wasn't always easy, but I'm genuinely proud of where I've ended up. I have a stable career now, I'm in a good relationship, and for the first time in a long time, my life feels steady. My sister's path has been very different. She has never really been able to get fully settled. She has tried a few different jobs over the years, but nothing has really stuck. There always seems to be some new issue or some reason it doesn't work out.

1:05 My parents have stepped.

1:05 In over and over again, helping her with rent, paying bills when she gets behind, and giving her money to help her make it through the month. For a long time, I told myself it wasn't worth keeping score. I figured maybe that was just how families were supposed.

1:18 To work, helping the person. Who needed it more?

1:21 A few days ago, when we all got together this summer, they brought up something that really threw me off. And by the way, this story comes from I Like to Play DMC. If you want to submit your own stories, go to our subreddit.

1:31 I'm Dakota.

1:32 I'm Matt.

1:32 And we're going to read this story, and we're going to have our thoughts. You get to have yours in the comments. My parents asked to speak to both of us about their future plans. They're getting older, and their health hasn't been great, so they've started putting things in order legally. During that conversation, they told us that most of what they have, including the house and their savings, will go to my sister. Their reasoning was that she won't be able to manage on her own without that support.

2:00 And then almost immediately after saying that, they told me they want me to be the one handling everything else. Medical decisions, finances, paperwork, basically making sure everything is taken care of if something happens to them. This is like the classic case of like you overperform at your job and then you don't get compensated for it.

2:16 This is why like unless you're getting compensated or like you have a personal stake in the company, sometimes it is best just to do what is asked and no more. If you do go out of your way to perform better, it becomes the norm. And then when you ask, like you bring up the fact that you're like, I'm performing more. Well, that's just what you do in this job.

2:35 No, no, no, no.

2:35 That's me doing extra. But it's now a ding against you because if Like, where is there to go above that? And if you can't, then it's used against you. So like, yeah, it's overperforming.

2:45 And it's quite a sticky situation.

2:47 I don't think I've ever felt that kind of quiet resentment before. It wasn't even really about the money. It was more the feeling that I've spent my whole adult life proving I can stand on my own. And somehow that has turned into me being expected to carry everyone else too. I tried to explain how hurtful that felt, but they kept telling me, I should be more understanding.

3:09 Since then, something in me has shifted. I don't call as often. I don't jump in to help the way I used to. When my dad asked me to come over and help sort through some documents last week, I told him I couldn't and that maybe my sister should start taking on some of that responsibility.

3:23 And that did not go over well.

3:25 My sister called me afterwards, sounding uncomfortable and apologizing, even though none of this is really her fault. I told her I wasn't angry at her. I was hurt by the way our parents were. are treating us differently. Now everything feels tense and every interaction feels careful and strained.

3:42 I feel guilty abandoning them, but it's unfair.

3:44 I take all of the responsibility while my sister gets all the support.

3:48 Am I overreacting? And there is an update.

3:51 I mean, I know, I think you've done this perfectly in a way. Like, I think you've made it clear to your sister that it's.

3:57 Not her fault. You know, it's your parents.

3:59 And it's also like, you didn't ask or agree to do any of this extra work for your parents, especially... when your sister's getting all of the benefit of it and none of like the care and support and the financial help and any of that stuff that would be left over after the parents pass on. So it's like, how do you expect the sister to respond like that?

4:19 I'm wondering if there is like a cultural element to this, like there is for so many family dynamics.

4:25 The eldest child, you know, could be, could be.

4:29 Or that it's just like expected that you do things for family without, being asked or without like expecting something in return right.

4:37 It's like well of course you're gonna have to take care of all this stuff and also all of our money and assets are going right to your older sister because she can't take care of herself I don't think that also is gonna change her station like She's not really going to be able to take care of herself even if she has all that money.

4:52 It's enabling. It's postponing the inevitable crash of the older sister. Or the firstborn, yeah.

4:57 Yeah, I guess it's.

4:58 Like, you know, just so they can be like, well, we did everything we could.

5:00 But we have an update.

5:01 After reading through all the advice and messages, I realized the sooner I stepped back from this situation, the better it would be for me. I called my parents today and tried to explain how I felt, and part of me still hoped they might understand, even though I knew they probably wouldn't. I gave specific examples how I've supported myself since college and never asked them for financial help while they've consistently stepped in for my sister when she struggled.

5:24 I brought up the estate conversation, too, and it hurt to hear that most of what they have will.

5:29 Go to her because she needs it more.

5:32 While I'm expected to take on all the responsibility and medical decisions and finances and paperwork when things get difficult. It made me feel like my role in the family is based on what I can handle, not how I'm valued as their child.

5:44 They didn't really let me finish.

5:45 They kept interrupting and repeating that I'm independent and capable and that my sister isn't, so this is just how it has to be.

5:52 When I said it still felt unfair.

5:54 They got defensive and told me not to expect anything from them.

5:57 You can't threaten something that you've already done.

6:00 It's like, yeah, you told me I'm getting nothing except the responsibility of taking care of all of your estate-based decisions. when you're incapable of doing it. It's like, don't do that or I'll fire you. I'm already been fired. I'm literally packing up my office. If anything, you should be getting all the money. And as you go, you need to take care of your sister. And it's like, yeah, I will.

6:19 Yeah. Giving her all of the money is not going to help her. If like they split the.

6:23 Money and they just told the OP, they're like, Hey, You need to manage this so that your sister gets what is necessary and is able to survive and you need to help her out. That makes sense.

6:33 Yeah.

6:34 Like you still have the responsibility, but you're getting part of it. It's not, you're not being expected to do it for nothing and you're not being used exclusively.

6:42 The price of success. You're so successful, you get nothing and you have to help us with everything.

6:46 At one point, they even said that if I truly cared, I should be helping more with my mom's care.

6:52 And that was the point where something clicked for me.

6:54 Being capable- It doesn't mean I don't have limits, and it doesn't mean I should carry everything. I told them I couldn't accept a situation where I'm excluded from support, but I'm expected to.

7:05 Take on all of the responsibility.

7:07 I said they should completely remove me from their will and any roles like executor or medical power of attorney. I don't want anything from them, financially or otherwise.

7:17 I feel like that's the right move. You just flip it back around.

7:19 You say, go ahead, just don't give me anything, but also I'm giving you nothing.

7:24 How does it feel? Call the bluff.

7:26 See, you guys are capable adults. You guys provide for yourselves. Who's to say you shouldn't be able to take care of yourself in old age as well?

7:32 You've managed up to this point.

7:34 You don't need me.

7:35 I don't need you.

7:36 Maybe you can get my sister to help you. Also, if the sister's getting all this, why is the sister, if she feels bad, not helping? She's like, I'm incompetent. I'm fully incompetent.

7:47 You know the concept of failing upward? This is like succeeding downward.

7:52 Yeah, you succeeded downward. That's good.

7:55 I also told them that they should plan accordingly, whether that means hiring help or making other arrangements, because I'm no longer willing to take on that responsibility. The call ended badly. There was a lot of yelling and crying, and I eventually just hung up. But afterward, I felt something I hadn't felt in a while. Relief, like a weight I didn't even fully realize I was.

8:14 Carrying, is finally gone.

8:16 I have a good life, I have a supportive partner, a stable home, and I am preparing to start my PhD.

8:22 Ooh!

8:24 Got a doctor in the house.

8:26 Doctor, PhD, parent-hating degree.

8:28 What, what?

8:29 That's what you got? No, I'm just kidding.

8:32 We're even talking about starting a family. For the first time, I feel like I can focus on my own future without this constant sense of obligation hanging over me.

8:40 I don't know what.

8:40 Happens next with my parents, and I'm sure things will stay tense for a while, but for now, I feel at peace with the boundary I set.

8:48 And that is the end of that story.

8:50 I feel like... This is a perfect encapsulation of like the full phrase. I think we talked about it before when I've been on here, right? There's that idea of like blood is thicker than water. But that's not the full quote. The full quote is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, which means that the people you choose to associate with and the people that you want to build your life around, like in this case, OP's partner are more close to you and should be more important than the people you are related to just because you are in the same family.

9:24 Like these people don't, aren't acting like a family to OP. They're treating OP as like the help, not to demean people who do labor, but there is the tendency for people who hire labor to treat people badly. And that's what they're doing here. They're essentially kind of trying to hire out OP, even though they're their daughter and using that familial relation to To not have to pay her for her work and treating her badly because of it.

9:48 Yeah, you're like, whatever. You've got it all figured out. You can just take care of us at the end of our life and we won't leave you a single thing. It'll all go to your sister. She needs it more than you.

9:56 Look at her.

9:57 She's a mess. She can't help us. You're rewarded.

10:00 Just the knowledge of a job well done. Yeah.

10:02 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

10:06 My sister rejected my girlfriend as a bridesmaid, so I demanded answers.

10:10 That's not how I remember the Bridesmaids movie.

10:12 I have a girlfriend, but the relationship is still new.

10:16 My girlfriend has a prominent scar across one of her cheeks from a melanoma. To me, the scar makes no difference, but she has good days and bad days about it. My sister's getting married soon, and I'm not taking my girlfriend... Because a wedding with hundreds of guests and family is a lot of pressure for a brand new relationship. Plus, I've already RSVP'd that I was going alone and bought my plane ticket back home before we were even serious.

10:37 My sister took the time to look up my girlfriend's work email and sent her an email saying she's sorry she didn't make her a bridesmaid, but her scar would make it not possible because of photogenics? First of all, my sister chose her bridesmaids when she got engaged over a year ago. Second of all, she didn't even know...

10:54 I had a new girlfriend until after the RSVPs were due back. And number three, she and my girlfriend have never had contact, and my girlfriend would have never thought she should be a bridesmaid for someone she's never even met. And by the way, this comes from Account Throwaway.

11:08 If you want to submit your own stories, go to our subreddit. I'm Dakota.

11:11 I'm Matt.

11:12 We're going to read this story and have our thoughts. You get to have yours in the comments. Just know that we're not right about everything all the time. I don't know what my sister was thinking, but I hate that she was so hurtful to my girlfriend for no reason at all.

11:25 She hasn't answered my calls or texts asking why. What do you guys think?

11:30 And there is an update from three years, 10 months and 15 days later.

11:35 I'm going to guess this guy's no contact with his sister.

11:37 I feel like he doesn't go to the wedding after this. I'm just like, that's a wild way to interact with someone you've never met. That is hypothetically going to be part of your family at some point. yeah like you're gonna be connected legally through marriage at some point ideally if we with these people like that's the first thing you say to somebody you're looking.

11:59 For a fight who hurt you yeah who are you truly what is going on why do we need to feel good points of tearing someone else down what's going on so update a lot has happened since i posted firstly i am attracted to the same To say that my family was unhappy when I came out would be a colossal understatement, and I haven't had contact with any of them in three and a half years.

12:20 Katie and I are still friends.

12:22 She's actually one of the most important people in my life, and even though we aren't together anymore, I'm still angry about how my sister acted.

12:28 And how my family supported my sister? To this day, I have no idea why my sister did what she did.

12:35 Not that it would have excused her behavior, but Katie was the same race and culture and background as my family, and I can't figure out why my sister was so hostile to someone.

12:43 She had never met. I grew up in a relatively strict Jewish household.

12:47 My family is very old school, conservative, traditional, and I knew none of them would ever accept.

12:52 Me being J with a G.

12:54 But once I stopped being in denial about it, I realized there was no way I could marry a woman or keep pretending to be straight. After the falling out with my family, I was still in a relationship with Katie, and she was the one who asked me if I liked men.

13:08 At the time, I was so angry with her that I ended things, and I didn't talk to her for a while.

13:13 Until I realized she was right. And it wasn't just her either. My friends had suspicions too. I ended up apologizing to Katie for getting angry with her. Looking back, I had been in denial because of how I grew up. Katie is Jewish too, but she didn't grow up in a family like mine and she clocked it a few months into our relationship. She is one of my best friends now and was the first person that I came out to. I will forever be grateful that I moved to another province to pursue my master's degree because if I had not gotten away from my family and met supportive people like Katie and my friends... I would still be deep in the closet. My friends all supported me when I told them. And I have been going to

13:47 therapy for the last three years to deal with my upbringing and my family disowning me.

13:52 Good for you, dude.

13:53 Way to go.

13:54 We always support going to therapy for your messed up family on this show.

13:57 Look, sometimes you just need an outside perspective to, like, make you realize, oh, no, this is not normal.

14:02 Yeah, yeah.

14:03 Funny that also all of your friends had also clocked you. They were like, we thought so.

14:07 I am an atheist. And I stopped being observant when I came out. This year, I am going to Pride for the first time. I'm nervous, but a bunch of my friends, including Katie, are coming with me. I'm going to dip my toe into data, because I feel ready. Anyway, sorry if I rambled too much. I only remembered my first post recently, and I just wanted to come back, because everyone was so kind after such a horrible thing happened.

14:27 I appreciated people validating that I wasn't wrong about my sister. And that was probably when one of the first cracks started appearing in my old life. Yeah, I mean, my guess would definitely be sister did that because she's insecure and she needed a she needed to put somebody down to lift herself up.

14:44 Yeah, she's just punching down because she needed a target. Like, there's no other reason. Like, she didn't know this person. This person's not going to the wedding. Wasn't even around when wedding plans were being made.

14:56 Yeah.

14:56 It just has to be some sort of, like, ego trip that I can do this. I can hurt somebody else. Because, like, hurt people hurt people.

15:04 So I'm connecting the dots in my head right now. She's scrolling social media. She comes across her brother's post. Brother's got a girlfriend. She goes, oh, who's she?

15:13 She looks at her stuff. She's like, oh, she's hot. She's hotter than me. And now I feel weird because I'm looking at someone hotter than me.

15:19 Oh, she's got a mole scar on her face. Sorry, I would have made you my bridesmaid, but you're horrifically deformed. And everyone would be talking about it and looking at it all the time.

15:27 Shut up, dude. So thanks to everyone who replied back then. I appreciate it. That's the end of that story.

15:32 That's the end of that family relationship.

15:34 Yes, it is.

15:35 And it's for the best. And we support you. We support you living your truth.

15:39 Here's more truth, though. That's the end of that story. We got another one coming right up.

15:42 My sister-in-law flirted with my boyfriend all weekend right in front of my brother.

15:47 This is flirting with disaster.

15:49 Sister-in-law joked about sitting on my boyfriend's lap. in front of my brother and opening bananas for her. If she doesn't apologize, I want to cut her off. Me, 30 female, and my boyfriend, 43 male, have been dating for a year and a half and live together.

16:04 I trust him a lot.

16:04 We went away for a weekend trip with my new sister-in-law and brother, 33 male. This was the second time my sister-in-law met my boyfriend. I've known her for five years. which is how long they've been dating before my brother and her got engaged. She has always been very sweet to me and seemed very respectful and perfect for my brother.

16:25 My brother dated a girl who was very flirty with other men and she really hurt him.

16:30 And they broke up.

16:31 This girl knows that and took a long time for her to gain the trust of my brother. This was the first time my brother and his wife visited me.

16:38 In my providence. So I was so excited to go away for the weekend.

16:43 And we generally had a good time. My boyfriend and his brother picked her up from the airport. And when I got to work, my boyfriend helped her. with her bags into the Airbnb. I thought nothing of it, as she was now considered family, and my boyfriend is a very gentlemanly kind of guy, and I would expect him to do the same with an actual sister. By the way, this comes from Throwaway Dashboard, and if you want to see.

17:05 Me on stories, you know where to go. I'm Riley.

17:07 I'm Matt.

17:08 And Matt's going to help us read some stories today. He's a good friend of ours. If you have anything you'd like to do, please write it down below.

17:13 We're going to read this goofily.

17:14 I didn't notice anything weird until my sister-in-law made a comment to my brother about my boyfriend carrying her bags from the car because she was so tired. My boyfriend was inside at the time, so he didn't hear it. My brother said, what? And then said, oh, can you carry me from the car? In a dramatic voice. The next day, she was making breakfast and started laughing, said she didn't know how to open bananas. So she asked my boyfriend how to do it and would do a giggle and say how he knows how to do it.

17:46 when it's so hard.

17:47 To open, etc.

17:48 She asked him twice, and my brother was silent. I was annoyed, but didn't want to jump to conclusions. The next day, we waited a long time at the restaurant, and when I suggested we leave for another one, she said, don't worry, I can sit on my boyfriend's name's lap.

18:04 You know the fact that the boyfriend's silent?

18:05 Yeah, the husband.

18:07 The fact that they're just kind of going along with this, the boyfriend and the husband, they could be in cahoots.

18:12 I was so shocked, I laughed nervously. but stopped smiling because I was so mad. She noticed I wasn't smiling, so she laughed even harder. My boyfriend said he got uncomfortable, so we said that he would sit on the waiter's lap to make room. Each time, my brother looked so uncomfortable. I brought it up to my boyfriend and my brother how weird it was, and they both agreed. My brother said he would talk to her, but the more time goes on, The more mad and disgusted I feel that she would feel uncomfortable saying that. Mad for me, and mad for my brother. I didn't tell my mom for fear it would cause a huge family drama, but I can't imagine ever saying that to someone's boyfriend. I have been nothing but nice to her, and I thought we

18:55 had a decent relationship.

18:57 I was her bridesmaid at her wedding!

18:59 Look, the only time I've ever sat in someone else's lap was as, like, One of my friends, like joking, like very clearly joking.

19:06 Was it a guy? It was a guy. Okay.

19:08 Not to say anything about like- Have you ever sat on a woman's lap that isn't your girlfriend's?

19:11 My best friend, but like as a joke, I've sat on my friend Katie's lap like- Okay. As a joke, but the only person who's ever sat on my lap really is my girlfriend.

19:20 Yeah.

19:20 My question is, is like, how big is she planning on going with this?

19:23 What's her intention? That's my question. What is she trying to get out of this?

19:26 She's trying to get an invite to the upstairs party.

19:28 My brother talked to her. And she said she was joking and apologized.

19:33 I'm done with this. I'm just joking stuff.

19:35 It's always a joke after you get caught.

19:38 Agreed.

19:39 It's serious until you get caught. Then it's a joke.

19:41 And that the joke was supposed to be so ridiculous. It was funny because obviously it wouldn't have happened. But it doesn't explain the banana thing or the comments she made to my brother in the car. It feels like she kind of gaslit my brother in her explanation, because when I asked my brother how the talk went, he basically said it was good with her response. then I shouldn't worry because she obviously doesn't have feelings for my.

20:06 Boyfriend, which pissed me off.

20:07 Obviously? I wouldn't say that's obvious.

20:09 Have you not been listening to her? Are you at the point of your relationship where you don't have to listen to your girlfriend anymore? Oh, sorry, your wife anymore? Which pissed me off even more because it doesn't matter if she doesn't have feelings.

20:19 I wouldn't appreciate that from anyone. It's disrespectful.

20:22 Matt, is that disrespectful?

20:23 It's utterly disrespectful. I don't know how anyone could construe it as respectful.

20:27 Super weird.

20:28 And it's like, you're doing this in public.

20:30 Yeah, yeah.

20:31 There's a totally a tone of voice with how you say things. If I saw, let's put this scenario. I was with my girlfriend and her sisters got all of her luggage. I'd be like, oh, you can give me now. Totally fine. But the restaurant comment, totally out of pocket.

20:45 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

20:48 My mother can no longer raise my nieces, so she's asking me to take all three. That's a lot of nieces. I, 29 female, have one kid who's 11, a girl. My sister, 32 female, has three kids. 11 female, 8 female, and 6 female, the oldest, is also autistic. About three years ago, my sister lost custody of her kids. The girls were split up in the system for a little over a year before our mom, 52, female, got custody two years ago.

21:15 Over the last two years, the girls have been really thriving. They're happy, healthy, and doing well in school. Recently, my mom got some unexpected health issues that are severely impacting her mobility and energy.

21:26 There is no cure.

21:27 She called me last week to ask if I would take the girls so they aren't split up in the system again, and my heart sank. I love my nieces. There is no denying that. And my daughter loves her cousins. The kids all get along great. They live on the opposite side of the country, but I visit whenever possible.

21:43 I'm always planning all sorts of activities and experiences for them and encouraging them to pursue the things they love. The oldest loves art. The middle child loves gymnastics. And the youngest loves Pokemon and video games. I plan things we can all do together and I make sure they each get.

21:58 One on one time.

22:01 I would give anything for these girls, but I just don't have the means to care for them full time. And by the way, this comes from Viseria127. Submit your own stories on our subreddit.

22:12 I'm Dakota.

22:13 I'm Matt.

22:14 And let's see what OP says. My husband and I are considered a low-income family. After a decade of saving, we finally bought a small two-bed townhouse. But there's barely enough room for the three of us, let alone another three kids too.

22:28 A townhouse is really, really small.

22:30 It is definitely not enough space for six people, four of them children. I suggested my mom move closer so I can help more day to.

22:39 Day, but she kind of.

22:41 Nipped that one in the bud rather quickly. Her reasons were that she didn't want to pull the kids out of their current school, but I guess it's okay if I do. And with her health issues, she didn't want to have to find a new doctor, and that one is pretty valid. There's a serious healthcare crisis in my country.

22:56 Us moving closer to them is not an option. We would both have to find new jobs. My husband's current job has really good benefits that we can't afford to lose.

23:03 My mom is retired, so the.

23:05 Only thing tying her to her current location is her doctor. My heart is breaking. I don't want to lose my nieces. I love the relationship we have, but I don't see how I could sustainably take on the three of them full time. My mom and my sister have been calling me heartless and that I haven't fully thought it through, but.

23:22 I have.

23:23 I've been thinking about it every day for three years when my sister first lost custody.

23:27 Yeah, I got to say, it feels like it would just be.

23:30 Easier for your mom to find a new doctor closer on your side of the country than it would be to figure out new careers, new jobs, new health care, new house for you and the three kids.

23:40 Also, another option is like how frequent are these doctor visits and how far would they have to travel to get to the doctor? Because like if potentially the mom moved to where OP is, they could go to the doctor when necessary. If it's not like an urgent... has to be weekly thing. Like it's a hassle, but also if the onus is the children here, there's going to have to be sacrifices made at some point. Like someone is sacrificing for these kids. It's going to have to, no matter what.

24:08 There is an edit going to address a couple of quick questions. The dad is not in the picture. He has two other kids from two other women that he also walked out on. My sister is currently abusing substances, living in a tent, but Hey, it's got a great view of the lake. There's no other family that could help.

24:25 My mother is also low income and her retirement funds barely cover their costs of living as it is. But I will definitely be looking more into other resources and government funding. Thank you to those providing actual helpful advice and suggestions. I am not in the United States. And we do have some comments here. But yeah, I think I like your idea.

24:42 At this point, I was thinking they're in the US.

24:44 Maybe they're in a smaller country where the other side of the country isn't, you know, seven hour flight or like a.

24:50 three or four days drive like but yeesh like.

24:54 It would be a hassle but like i don't know how else to do it if if you really want op to take care of the kids you're gonna have to give them something like you can't just ask them to uproot their entire life as much as they love the kids it's not feasible also you've got to also think about op's husband yeah he's part of the conversation too he's not being considered in this by op's mom and like i as much as the kid's probably love the school that they're currently in and love their friends like they probably realize that if you talk to them like mature children adults or however old they are if you talk to them properly i would hope that they understand it would still be the best for them and

25:30 it's like the internet exists you can still keep in contact with your friends if you would like to and like you can come visit it's not the end of the world but i don't feel like anyone is anyone on the mom's side is really considering opie's feelings or opie's husband's feelings.

25:43 Clues Lost Help says, what's your husband's view on this? Because his opinion matters too. Opie says he works 60 hours a week with an hour long commute. He's barely home unless it's just to sleep. At the end of the day, he supports whatever I decide, but I think that's because he knows it'll be me doing the vast majority of the heavy lifting. Sooner Palmetto says, yeah, this is what family is for. I would happily donate a kidney or a piece of my liver to anyone who asked, even a stranger. In both life and the afterlife, we get what we give. Opie says, I would happily take them in in a heartbeat, but where would they sleep?

26:15 The closet?

26:16 Ice Pop says, do the kids have godparents you could get in contact with, or is that you? Opie says, the godfather, which is their uncle, is... But we all went no contact with the godmother, our cousin. My sister's only friends are just as reliable as my sister.

26:31 I'm not a fan of that comment that said, it's just what family does. No, there have to be limits because, yeah, you take the kids in, but where are they going to sleep? How are you going to feed them? Also, like, yeah, literally the situations he... or where they'd be like, I'd give my kidney. It's like, yeah, that'd be way more doable than this. This is way harder to figure out than organ donation.

26:52 Kidney, you do it once, you're done. Yeah, you don't even have to go across the country for that. You can get it taken out on one side of the country. They'll put it in an icebox and fly it.

27:00 To wherever they are. But that's not what's happening. It's way more complicated.

27:04 26 days later, I have spoken to the kid's caseworker. She interviewed me when my mother was first trying to get custody to ask about my upbringing. and ensure it would be a good environment for the kids. I reached out more recently to go over logistics if I were to take them in. The caseworker told me she thinks I would be a great fit to give them a stable home, but I lack the adequate space needed to be approved as their guardian.

27:27 She offered to look.

27:28 Into low-income housing options in my area that would be big enough... But the wait lists are unbelievably long. And when it comes to finances, yes, we would receive a decent chunk of funding per child and twice as much for the eldest on the spectrum to help cover their kids costs. But it's money I would be spending on food, clothes and other day to day necessities, not money. I could put towards a down payment on the bigger house, we would need to do this. That financial assistance also wouldn't be considered income as far as my mortgage approval goes because it's money for the kids and not me.

28:00 And when I say we just bought a small townhouse, I mean we closed a little over a month ago. and haven't even finished getting settled yet. We are financially sitting back at square one again, breaking our brand new mortgage, not to mention the legal cost and realtor fees of that is not financially feasible.

28:19 We also received first.

28:20 Time home buyer rebates in our closing costs and land transfer tax, which was thousands of dollars. that we would have to pay back if we don't live in our new house as our primary residence for at least a year. The rent prices where I live are about twice the cost of my mortgage, so even putting aside all those other factors, renting again still just doesn't make sense.

28:39 The math is not mathing. If I could just win the lottery, my problems would be solved.

28:43 Luckily, my husband has an amazing benefits plan through his work, so dental glasses, meds, and even therapy are all covered and would extend to the kids if we got custody. All three need glasses, and the youngest has a nasty little habit of losing or breaking hers. In caring for special needs, I mentioned the eldest on the spectrum struggles socially and with emotional regulation. She's also incredibly bright and appreciates her space and independence. I spent a lot of time volunteering with special needs kids when I was in high school, and I know how difficult it can be.

29:13 My niece is not what I would consider difficult. She might operate a little differently, but it's nothing out of my scope. My daughter is actually very similar to my niece in all of these aspects. And as I said before, my patience knows no bounds when it comes to these kids. I'm also fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work from home when needed. I do have to go into the office a couple days a week for some tasks that can't be handled remotely, but it's flexible enough that I can be home for emergencies or sick days.

29:30 Thank you for watching. very demanding job.

29:46 It's impossible to do remote, and it's not something he can easily call in sick from. Even if I had a huge emergency, he would have to wait for his replacement to enter the control room before he could leave.

29:55 Building resentment in my husband and daughter.

29:58 I've talked about this with my husband extensively since my sister first lost custody. He knows how much I love those girls and would support my decision to take them in if we.

30:06 Could swing it.

30:06 While I haven't talked to my daughter about it, because I don't want her to get her hopes up over something that likely won't happen. I can say that she's begged me for a sibling every year since she was a toddler. She's had a really hard time with bullies at school, and her cousins are her best friends. She would happily welcome them all with open arms, even if it meant being cramped.

30:25 In one room.

30:26 I feel tense because I don't see how this can really resolve favorably for really anybody.

30:33 You're going to have to find like the equivalent of like an angel investor to take the kids in because it doesn't sound like it's possible to do it.

30:40 Your mom's too sick. She can't take care of them. Anyone related to them is off the table.

30:44 My mom and nieces are currently visiting me. We are camping just outside my city, and we seem to have found our compromise. My mom is going to take the year to scrape together what money she can for a down payment to move closer to me. She's also going to ask her doctor about referrals to a doctor in my city. In the meantime, I've offered to take the girls during major school breaks like summer and spring break and Christmas.

31:04 The house will still.

31:05 Be very cramped during those weeks, but we spend the majority of the summer camping anyway, so the tight quarters aren't for very long periods of time. My husband, who I truly don't know what I did to deserve him, has offered to work as much overtime as he's allowed to help us replenish our savings and hopefully get a bigger place when it's time to renew the mortgage. My work won't let me do any overtime.

31:25 On a totally.

31:26 Unrelated note, does anyone have any advice or insight on how to get into selling feet pics asking for a friend?

31:33 Thank God. That was the only compromise that was ever going to work. I said I don't know how this could resolve favorably. And look, it resolves favorably. So what do I know?

31:41 Like we say, we don't have all the answers.

31:43 The answer was just mom being like, all right, I guess I will figure out how to move closer to you and get a doctor there because if I don't, all the kids' worlds will explode. My sister found my original post and has been blowing up my phone with nasty text and voice messages. She even made some wild Facebook posts about what a traitor of a sister I am.

32:03 I simply do not have the energy to listen to her two cents on the matter, so I'm ignoring her entirely. We definitely can't take custody anytime soon, but we haven't shut down the possibility of taking them in in the future, when it makes more sense. I think this possibility is what's keeping my mother cooperative for the time being. This will likely be the last update, unless the plan for my mom's move next year craps out, knock on wood.

32:25 Thank you to everyone that gave genuinely helpful advice and support, and it's time to go swimming.

32:30 Mm-mm-mm, gotta swim in that lake. Say hello to your sister. That is the end of that story.

32:35 Hey, this is Riley, the host that can't really read that well. We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes worth of ads from our sponsors.

32:42 My wife's own sister exposed her affair, so I took a paternity test. Oh boy, that sounds like a lot. A couple of weeks ago, I, 32 male, found out that my wife, 33 female, cheated on me six years ago. The way I found out is that her sister told me. After we went to visit her to see how the delivery of her first child went, she confessed that six years ago, my wife had told her she slept with her best friend while wasted. In her words, my wife was very sorry. At the time, she told me I was with my son, five male, and immediately after leaving her house, I went to take a paternity test with him, fearing the worst. A week later, I got the results and my fears came true. My son is not mine.

33:25 For some reason, I began to see the boy differently, more as an acquaintance than a son. With proof in hand, I confronted my wife at night while the child was sleeping. She asked me who told me and I simply said it was none of her business, although obviously it won't take her long to connect the dots that it was her sister. That's not my problem now. By the way, this comes from Deleted, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia.

33:49 I'm Keon.

33:50 And we are here to give some good advice, Goofly, but we don't have all your answers. We'd only tell you what we would do, but let us know what you would do down in those comments. As OP says, I asked her for a divorce, which is now in process. She was devastated and swore to me more than once that nothing happened with anyone again. that she has been faithful to me in body and soul since then. I held back the urge to insult her to avoid complications during the divorce, not believing a word she said, mostly because she blamed the booze instead of taking the blame herself.

34:21 After talking about it, she threatened me, saying she would demand full custody of the child. I was so annoyed at that moment that I told her, okay, I don't want anything to do with something that is not mine. She could keep the child and I'll keep the dogs. We have two dogs that we adopted as puppies, currently eight years old each. After that, she tried to convince me to take care of the child with her, saying that I am his father. At that moment, I exploded and I just yelled at her to go and take her kid with her. A week has passed since then.

34:49 I'm at home. It is in my name because it is a gift from my parents. And she went to her parents' house with the kid. She has not called me since. She left with everything and the half-asleep child when I yelled at her, especially since it was the first time I had really yelled at her, which surely affected her. I talked to my parents, and my dad told me I did the right thing and that I shouldn't be raising something that is not of my blood.

35:12 I agree with him. However, the pain is still there. My younger brother told me to write here to entertain myself. I am currently seeing a therapist three times a week who told me I have already taken the first step. which was to leave behind what causes me pain. It just hurts to know that my family no longer exists.

35:30 That's like, you could have had your son still.

35:34 Nah, but I think it's already, like, OP wants that truth bombed. I think he cut that connection immediately, which I don't know how you can, but he did.

35:45 Well, the thing is, if I can commend him for cutting himself off if he believes now he's going to treat the child differently and it's going to... give that child some sort.

35:56 Of, you know, trauma.

35:57 That child is traumatized for life.

35:59 Yeah.

36:00 Imagine, imagine you think that this person is your dad and they just up and leave out of nowhere.

36:09 Your dad's gone.

36:10 Yeah, that happens.

36:11 And like for the, for the, it's, it's the wife's fault for his feelings. I absolutely agree. The wife sucks. I don't even care about her. I'm talking about the kid.

36:19 It's not the kid's fault.

36:20 It's not the kid's fault. I don't care. The wife should get everything that's coming to her. She's the worst. Divorce her. Hate her. But to drop your child like that is wild to me. Yeah. As for why my sister-in-law told me everything, according to her, she felt guilty seeing me always happy with my son, knowing that he may not be mine. and seeing us visit her in a moment of weakness caused her to completely break down with guilt. I don't know how true that is. I just know that right now I feel tremendous hatred for my wife and a feeling between pain and resentment for the child. I just hope the divorce goes smoothly. We have separate finances and properties, and if she really asks for child support, I have proof that he's not mine.

37:04 According to the lawyer, that's more than enough if she tries a legal process. My therapist also recommended that I not see him or her, that regardless of the child's feelings, I should focus on my own first, and that the child is no longer my problem, and the sooner I accept it, the better. Any advice? Yeah, I've seen a lot of disagreement in the chat.

37:24 I can't.

37:25 I'm sorry. I can't.

37:26 That's just a harsh reality.

37:29 I just can't imagine being like, peace.

37:32 Out, not my problem.

37:33 Damn.

37:34 Some people are different.

37:36 That's wild. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think everyone sucks here. I agree with Good Morning Petty Potatoes. Yeah. Truthfully, because you don't know, like, was... I don't know. I think the sister's kind of crummy for saying it. Well, keeping it a secret until then. Yes, keeping it a secret. Yeah, I mean, the whole thing is effed.

37:55 Yeah.

37:55 But I also am trying to, like, figure out how... How? Yeah, it could work because I don't I don't think like Ronan says, y'all don't understand how expensive kids are. I don't know if that's like the point here. I I agree with the therapist in saying, OK, you need to focus on yourself rather than focusing on what's best for everyone in this situation.

38:19 Sure.

38:19 I agree.

38:21 I just, it's so hard to just turn that off. But I could see, you know, from your perspective, like that's a huge betrayal thinking that this is your child. Now it's not. And now it's like my whole life is flipped. What do I do? And the first thing you do is distance yourself. I think that was smart because you don't want to start taking things out on your kid or, you know, doing like a huge argument in front of it. Yeah. So it's like, I think it was good to separate. I think now maybe talk it over and see if you could co-parent. But also, it's not his kid. It's not his kid. So he really doesn't owe the kid anything. Like, truthfully, he doesn't.

38:59 It is sad. It's not his kid. Yeah, I don't know if I think that you do. I kind of think he does owe the kid something.

39:10 I don't think he owes anything.

39:11 I don't think he owes the kid anything.

39:13 He gave the kid five years of being a father. That's so sad.

39:16 It is sad.

39:16 That's crazy.

39:19 But that's a reality. It's horrible, but that's like... We're not in that position.

39:23 Yeah, sorry.

39:24 I got to disagree.

39:25 I think, I think OP was wronged and I think I agree.

39:28 Distance is good. until you can get, like, work through it. But I think... I mean, but the thing is, he doesn't have an obligation to do that. He doesn't have to... Not legally, no. Yeah, legally, it's like, I'm not, like, I don't want to co-parent because you told me this. Our entire relationship is built on a lie. For six years, you never told me this. That child is not mine.

39:50 I don't want to be a part of you anymore. And that also now includes the child.

39:55 And I guarantee, yeah, he resents the child now, which he shouldn't. I don't know how he can, but he is.

40:02 There is an update, though. Well, two weeks have passed since my first post and three weeks since everything happened. Not many relevant things have really happened, but here's a short summary. About three days after my post, my ex came to my house and asked to come in. I met her at the door and told her she is not going to set foot in my house while I am here. If she is going to say anything, it would be at the door. She practically begged me to take her son back, saying that if I want to cut off all contact with her, that's fine, that she deserves it, but that she can't raise a child alone.

40:34 She said raising him alone is going to destroy her dream of being a notary. She works in public records and is two years away from running for the judiciary to get her own notary. I tried to explain to her as calmly as I could that my therapist is the one who recommended I cut off all contact with the two of them and to please leave before I lost my mind. I love the child, but I don't want to take out my anger on an innocent. I told her the child deserves better and that she's currently responsible for giving it to him. I don't know how, but that's not my problem anymore. She resisted the urge to cry and make a scene because once again, we were on the street and she always took into account what people said about her. The last thing she asked

41:14 was to at least let her see the dogs. I told her no, that the best thing is for them to get used to her absence. After that, she just nodded and left. Two days later, she called me when she received the divorce papers. My mistake was answering the phone because after about 30 minutes of her yelling, I managed to say that the papers have the number of my civil lawyer so she can call her if she has any questions. After that, I silenced her number. She has not come to my house since then or tried to call again. That same day, I contacted a friend I made during my master's degree and asked her to go out.

41:49 Okay.

41:50 What are you doing?

41:51 Moving a little quick here, but if that's what you feel is right. I genuinely think that OP is in such a horrible state of mind.

42:01 And he's going scorched earth, like I said.

42:03 I genuinely think that in a couple months, he's going to be like, oh, oh, I've kind of.

42:10 Been going on this... maybe not best. I don't know. Like, I think he might realize I miss that kid.

42:16 I mean, he did say he loves the kid, but.

42:18 I think he's going to realize they could reconnect and like get that, you know, I think he's in a terrible state of mind, which makes sense.

42:26 Oh yeah.

42:26 Yeah.

42:27 Yeah.

42:28 She accepted and we've been going out since then. Last Friday, I asked her to be an exclusive couple and she accepted. She has stayed at my house for a few days now and she already knows my dogs and adores them, which I appreciate because I couldn't start something with someone who doesn't accept my pets. We are currently taking things easy.

42:45 She knows the drama I am having with my ex and the child and she respects my decision. She asked if I will ever have contact with the child again. And I told her maybe when he is old enough to understand my decisions, but that I don't expect it to interfere with my life in the future. She just nodded and was okay that I take myself as a priority during this process. Maybe this took a little longer than I expected, but this is the summary of what happened and many people have been asking me for an update, so here it is. Oh, update two a month later.

43:16 Oh boy. What do we think?

43:19 I think Opie.

43:20 You think he married this girl? She's pregnant? I don't know.

43:23 I think Opie's taking life pretty day by day right now.

43:27 Kelsey J says, you need a different therapist. I agree.

43:30 I agree.

43:31 But the situation all in all is, I think, again, everyone sucks here, but Opie is allowed to make his decision and do it. Oh, yeah.

43:40 Legally.

43:41 He has every right.

43:42 Yeah, exactly.

43:43 Don't agree that it was the best decision?

43:45 But, yeah, we're not OP. We're not in that decision.

43:48 Thank God I'm not in this situation. I mean, I'd be going on, off.

43:53 On, off. I would be spiraling. I'd be like a little coil.

43:56 And that's what he's doing, literally.

43:58 Can't blame him. You can't really, like, his decisions, sure, but, like, the way he's thinking, the way he's going about life.

44:03 Yeah.

44:05 There's no way you can navigate this easily.

44:07 I know, it's impossible. It's such a hard situation. I do not like... Blame him for having all of these feelings. Just probably wouldn't be how I went about that if I had a kid for six years.

44:18 Well, how to say it? I'm officially a divorced man. In my country, there is a type of divorce called a quick divorce in which there are no common assets, joint finances, or children involved. The divorce can be carried out municipally and not judicially, avoiding the entire process that would have included conciliation, distribution of assets, etc. Uh, based on what I've mentioned, you can guess that the only problem was the issue of the son. There came the issue of the paternity test, which verified that the child is not mine, and my name was successfully taken from his birth certificate along with my last name. The child currently has both of his mother's last names. As for how the divorce went, it was not easy. My ex-wife

45:03 tried more than once to use the child's mental state to make me return to her, and although I thought about it more than once... It was remembering everything that happened that allowed me to stay focused. I must also thank my current partner who supported me at all times and always supported my decisions. I already knew none of this is my fault, but having her tell me also somehow helped. After many discussions with our lawyers involved, I told her I can pay her half of what a nanny's salary costs for her son while she fixes her life, but that she will have to pay the other half and whatever comes after, entirely on her own. Thank God she agreed, but I told her not to expect me to take care of her son for her, to which

45:46 she also agreed. She has always been a person very dedicated to her work, so I suppose having to be a single mother has shocked her a lot. Out of mere curiosity, I asked her if she spoke with the child's father. She said she tried, that he even lived with them for two weeks at her parents' house, but that he and his son simply have nothing in common, and there is no way they can get along. She even had to intervene so that he and the child didn't end up screaming at each other. So after a couple of weeks, the guy just left. Although it is somewhat sad, she is a woman with a good job, and in a year when she has the help of a nanny, that is more than enough time for her to find a suitable stepfather for her son. In the meantime,

46:28 I don't plan to talk to the child yet. Maybe I will do in a couple of years, or when he's a teenager. But if the child doesn't want to talk to me, I'm simply not going to insist. I understand if he hates me, so I won't try to have a relationship with him if he doesn't want to. After everything we talked about regarding the child, she told me that she hated me, and even more that I got a partner so quickly, which I thought was very rude because my current partner was there with us, and I had to intervene before an argument between the two occurred.

46:58 Even though she ended up signing the divorce papers and said she appreciated my help, she couldn't stand that throughout the conversation I looked down at her as if I felt compassion for her. She has always been a fairly proud person because everything she has achieved has been on her own merit, so me looking down on her making her feel less than me made her feel hurt and angry.

47:19 I was told I have the same look as always, and I seriously think she has some paranoia problem, but that's not my problem either. She's got a lot of problems. She has a lot of problems, and I really hope that she gets her son into therapy. If she can just do that.

47:31 Yeah. Ooh, this lady.

47:34 Yeah.

47:35 She sucks.

47:36 She's not good. Yeah, this is not great. But I commend him for trying to help out. In some sort of way.

47:49 Yeah.

47:50 Of the things that he did, like again, legally has no obligation to the kid.

47:54 I think it's good that he, you know, obviously still has feelings for this.

47:58 You know, like parental feelings for this kid.

48:00 If he was like, well, I'm going to help you get a nanny. I, well, I think he's trying to do the thing where he's like, I'm keeping two arms distance, but I'm here for the kid in, in a mindset that's like going to help be, you know, be okay for me.

48:15 And that's it. Like, yeah. Yeah.

48:19 It's just, it's, it's hard. Truthfully. I don't know what, I don't think there's a right answer. Cause I think, I mean, clearly not.

48:28 Yeah.

48:28 Any answer you give, there's going to be downsides to each there, you know? So would you rather, you know, sacrifice your happiness or would you rather keep that? And I think that, I think that he is choosing right per se in, a way that he's still kind of helping, but he's like, I'm done with that. And he gave it a deadline. He's like, after this, I'm done, whatever.

48:54 But I am going to at least give you something to have since I'm not there.

48:59 We said it earlier, too. It's the idea of lighting yourself on fire. And again, in this case, that's what it is. And it does suck because that was your family. And then the next day, it's not.

49:13 Yeah, I don't know if it necessarily would be lighting himself on fire to have a relationship with this kid, but I do think that he needs a lot of help before he could even manage that.

49:23 Yeah.

49:24 Yeah.

49:25 I think I just feel real bad for this kid.

49:29 Oh, boy.

49:30 Someone get this kid into therapy.

49:31 Yeah. He's going to need it. My, oh, my.

49:34 All right. Let's finish it up. The important thing is that she ended up signing the papers and that I can finally have my life again. Although for a year I will be paying half the minimum wage for a nanny. It is a fair price for peace, I suppose. I had bad feelings for her too, but during this month I ended up accepting it and moving forward. Yes, I hate her too, but not enough to say it directly or wish her bad karma. I suppose she has enough with her own problems. I thank my current partner for having to put up with all this. More than once I told her she didn't have to accompany me to meetings, or worry about it, that they are my problems, but she said that my problems are hers too, and that

50:12 I shouldn't carry all that alone. The truth is, it has helped me a lot to take a load off my shoulders. She also understands that I am in no hurry to get married, not this year and possibly not the next, and she understands it. At least this chapter of my life is about to close without long-term consequences for me.

50:29 Well, you don't know that.

50:30 He said, yep, that kid doesn't exist anymore.

50:33 Yeah.

50:34 He's gone.

50:35 And my last thought is, if we reverse this situation, I would still say.

50:41 It'd be a little crazy if a woman.

50:44 I mean, I don't know how that would work, because a woman would know that the kid wasn't hers. But in the situation where there's an empreg, I think after raising a kid for six years, I personally would have bonded with him.

50:57 I don't know if I would be able to get that child out. Chris, he's here! Okay, now that I'm in my driveway... Here's the thing. She lied to him the whole time about the kid. Maybe had she not lied, he may have been willing to try, but he couldn't. But he shouldn't have to be reminded. I mean, we have a different... Of her lies for five years.

51:16 Yeah, we've had.

51:17 Other lies for five years.

51:18 Sorry.

51:18 I was like, reminded of what?

51:20 No, I think it's fine to be like, we have different takes on how we would react to that situation. I think just for me personally, I would have too much of a bond to that kid to be like, I'm gone.

51:32 Yeah.

51:33 If I were, if I were an OP situation. Yeah. It was just, the thing is, I think people who do that, I think would definitely, you know, you would, you would be reminded every single time you go over there and you don't want to resent the child. Like that's, I think he did the right thing in distancing himself because I think like even that night was like, not my kid.

51:55 Like get, get out of the, definitely don't like, if you feel like you're going to yell at the child or blame the child, separate.

52:00 Like i said he's like the child didn't do anything but he's gonna look at the child and just be like okay you are not mine i think it's gonna make him angry and then get upset.

52:09 I think it's also a different scenario if you're like let's say you're in a world where op had found out immediately that the kid wasn't his i wouldn't if he found like if baby like if she's like oh i'm pregnant he finds out oh this is not my kid i would that would be crazy to be like yeah he should raise that kid I think just the five years.

52:29 Truly, I think it's the worst part too. And because of what his ex-wife, I guess it's sister-in-law in this case, sister-in-law said was, one, I couldn't bear with it anymore because you seem so happy with your son. And I had just the grief and guilt that's putting on me. And then I've known about like this. I have to tell you, which is just like, yeah.

52:49 I think truthfully, we would all do different things. And whatever you believe is right is what you believe. And who cares?

52:55 Yeah.

52:55 Yeah, at the end of the day.

52:56 We're just here to give a little bit of advice.

52:58 Yeah, we haven't experienced this situation, and I'm sure most of you also have not experienced this situation, so we're all allowed to.

53:05 We couldn't be goofy on that one.

53:07 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one. Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite goofball host here. And we're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

53:18 My husband never stops talking. His own mother warned me about it.

53:22 Uh-oh, yapper.

53:24 We got a yapper on the loose.

53:26 My husband, 30 male, talks so incessantly that I, 29 female, am tired of listening to him. This makes it hard for me to respond to his sincere bids for attention, and I would like advice on how to fix this other than ignoring him.

53:43 And losing my patience.

53:44 So this is pretty lighthearted and not the biggest deal in the world, but it is something I am struggling with all the time in my relationship. How much does he talk? My husband loves to talk. He is full of ideas, very smart, funny, And he is knowledgeable. He has been a talker his whole life. As a teen, he has had problems with cornering people and trapping them in a conversation. But he has improved and doesn't do that anymore. When I met his parents, his mom caught me alone and said, how do you deal with it?

54:15 You know, the talking. I said, I tell him lovingly to shut up sometimes.

54:21 And we laughed.

54:22 She told me he started talking at two and has never stopped.

54:25 Aw.

54:26 By the way, this comes from Aster6000.

54:27 And if you want to see my old stories, you know where to go.

54:32 I'm Riley.

54:33 I'm Savannah.

54:34 I'm Keon.

54:34 And we're going to read Aster6000' s story, Funny. And if you don't like it, please put some comments down below. If you like it.

54:43 Be goofy with us.

54:43 Yeah, please put some comments below if you do like it.

54:46 As Opie says, it has been suggested to me that my husband may be a touch on the autism spectrum before. He and his dad could be a hair autistic, but the traits they have are mild compared to other autistic people I have met.

55:01 So, what's the problem?

55:03 I feel bad that I can't listen to my husband all the time. He talks so much about things that bore me that it fatigues me. By the time he has something important he wants to share with me, I have very little patience to listen. I have started ignoring him and pretending to listen. I didn't do this intentionally.

55:22 It's just a coping mechanism that developed organically. My in-laws have been married for 30 years, and my father-in-law talks as much as my husband, and my mother-in-law has been ignoring him for most of their marriage. They're happy and in love, so it must work, but it makes me feel guilty. I also will have to punt him out of the house lovingly for the weekend and make him go spend time with his family or one or two of his friends, but it's only once a month or so.

55:51 Husband is not very social. My husband says he doesn't mind that I ignore him because he wishes he could ignore his own brain too sometimes. He's very understanding, but I really want to be able to be more patient with him and respond in a better, kinder way to his bids for attention. My husband spends quite a lot of time being gentle with me, and helping me deal with my baggage, daily struggles, and past trauma with patience and grace. I wish I could act as kindly to him as he does to me, but I keep failing.

56:21 I wear my heart on my face and have poor control over my facial expressions, and he reads my face all the time, and he can tell when I'm upset when listening to him. I have a short attention span due to a learning disability. I really struggle.

56:36 Wow.

56:36 I'm not worried about a relationship lasting or not, We have a rock solid foundation.

56:41 It's just two opposites.

56:43 They're like kind of making it work.

56:46 Yeah.

56:46 Look at them go.

56:47 I'm worried about the quality of our relationship and how I can improve it.

56:51 So he is happier.

56:52 How can I pay more attention to my husband when it matters? How can I help him to feel heard by me? How can I help him to be able to talk to me without showing signs of my impatience or frustration?

57:06 Oh, this is hard.

57:08 I feel like there's got to be... Okay. Levels.

57:12 Levels.

57:13 Yeah. What about it?

57:14 General talking. You just talk. Oh.

57:17 Yeah.

57:17 Something that's important to say. Wait, I'm talking. I have something to say. Yeah.

57:21 All right.

57:22 Here's the second thing.

57:22 Ready?

57:23 Yeah.

57:23 Ring your bell.

57:24 Yeah.

57:25 Level two importance. Level three, do a little air horn.

57:29 Samuel, I did an air horn at Tahoe.

57:32 Scared Sophia. She jumped like a cat. It was so funny.

57:34 Okay.

57:34 Well, don't lose me now. Don't lose me now.

57:38 Number four, I think if it's super important to him, he can write you an email. Like, hey, this is important.

57:43 I want to talk about it. Here are the things I want to talk about.

57:46 Keep it concise so then we can focus on that slice of the cake. I've been saying slice of the cake a lot recently. Sometimes, like almost here, we almost went to a rabbit hole, but I got us back to the slice of cake we were on. Thoughts on that? What do we think about that? We get it on different levels.

58:02 Is this like a tier one conversation to have? Is this like what you want to talk about?

58:06 Yes, because this is a two-way street. Conversations are just not one person. If one person knows they talk all the time and it's just. They have the responsibility of breaking up the sound of that into something that is more direct. For further reading on this topic, example of things he likes to talk about.

58:25 What price silver is today and how silver is a stable currency today. that will hold its buying power over time. How the world economy market is headed for a crash. This honestly stresses me out and upsets me and I've told him. His project of the month. This month it is learning to solder. Sometimes his projects are too ambitious and I have to put my foot down and insist that he scales them back a bit. His money making schemes.

58:50 Very dry technical stuff like the pathway substances take through the brain or the finer points of cereal crops and their production.

59:00 You know, he needs like a boyfriend that he can just like talk to people about this stuff who will actually reciprocate what he wants to talk about.

59:08 No, I agree.

59:09 I think he does need a friend to just kind of spit this stuff out all the time.

59:13 Yeah.

59:13 I mean, low key, sounds like a bunch of nonsense.

59:17 These, it sounds like a bros night. It sounds like you're just going to sit and talk about God knows what. And like, you know, but that's what guys do. I feel, I mean, I don't know.

59:29 I think it's, he's not sociable. He, he does get to see his friends maybe once in a blue moon. Yeah.

59:36 Here we go.

59:37 Maybe calling.

59:38 Can we suggest an information diet? Sometimes whenever you're going low contact with someone, you put them on an information diet.

59:45 What?

59:45 Trim like the fat, you know?

59:47 Trim the fat.

59:49 Like, babe, this sounds really interesting. What is something that I can take away? Because with my learning of communication, a lot of things that I've learned is like usually 20% of what you say stick with people. So you have to put a really big emphasis on what you want to stick with other people. And that's why I repeat myself or that's why I say certain things all the time.

1:00:10 So then that sticks with people because a lot of this other fluff is going to be like shop down. The only thing you're going to remember about this is people remember 20% of what I say, all the other stuff's gone because our brains can only handle so much stuff. And you're constantly like overloaded, overloaded, overloaded, overloaded, overloaded. Then you can, you break down.

1:00:28 Well, specifically for me, I have a really hard time. Like, summarizing a story like I could not TLDR I couldn't I'm horrible at doing it because I can't do this one I can't not I don't know I would say yeah well I mean this one yeah he talks too much and OP is trying to find a way how they can work around that.

1:00:48 Like, that's... That was brilliant. What are you talking about?

1:00:50 But no, but sometimes when there's more... This doesn't really have a lot of information. It's just him talking, you know, about nonsense.

1:00:57 If there's more players in the game, it probably would take a little longer.

1:00:59 Yeah, like, I don't know, especially... Obviously, longer stories are going to have, like, longer TLDRs, but it's just... I can't leave out a detail. That's, like, hard for me. It's like, I have to... I feel like if I leave out the detail, then I'm like, oh, but then when I... do say the details, then it goes off on the tangent of how I felt in that moment and the details that happened.

1:01:19 Then you're thinking about a.

1:01:20 Bowl of noodles.

1:01:22 It's another tangent. It's like a grapevine.

1:01:23 And then I'm like, okay, wait, back to the story. It's really hard. I have to tell every single detail.

1:01:29 I know how Savannah's brain works now.

1:01:31 It's hard.

1:01:32 I want to talk about bowls of noodles and waffles after this.

1:01:36 Yum.

1:01:36 Food.

1:01:37 You know what I'm talking about?

1:01:38 Okay.

1:01:38 Anyways, update.

1:01:40 Guys, you've all been super nice and supportive. I think my biggest takeaway so far as follows. One, I need to work on my feelings of guilt at being incapable of listening to everything my husband says. No one can listen to another person that much. I have some internal work to do. Two, I need to set boundaries and make some signal that I need quiet time, be it removing myself physically, making a funny quiet hat, etc. Three, I could try establishing a rule that if I don't have eye contact, I am not listening. Four, my husband could start journaling, posting to hobby groups online, filming himself, make a podcast, etc. He needs a creative outlet for his ideas. I agree with that big time because he's

1:02:26 always talking about how things are processed, his new money schemes.

1:02:29 The financial world, yeah.

1:02:31 Like all these things, I agree with that.

1:02:33 This guy's got a million things on his mind and he wants to just speak about it.

1:02:35 That's me.

1:02:36 I think also, maybe. Like, I don't know if this is maybe too much, but if he likes to play video games, like, you know, talking to other people online, I think would be a great thing for him. So then it's like less social anxiety. You don't like see the person you don't see, you know, Oh, they're fading out or whatever. And like, usually when you're like playing a video game, you like, I don't know for me, I'll listen, but also I'm in the video game.

1:03:01 So I feel like being in a social world instead of just, you should, if taking someone out of the social element, I feel like.

1:03:09 Everyone should go to a pub. Or like a bar. Or like meet other people.

1:03:12 But it's not for everyone though.

1:03:14 A lot of you agree that he seems a bit autistic or that he has ADHD. But I think it's clear that he isn't neurotypical. I have ADHD myself. My husband likely has anxiety and needs to address it somehow. My husband needs to get my attention before he starts talking so he can be sure he's not interrupting me.

1:03:33 We as a couple need to communicate better. I need to verbally tell him when I am done and he needs to verbally get my attention and eye contact when talking.

1:03:43 I think this is going to be well.

1:03:44 It is nice to hear that there are a few other weirdos out there who would listen to my husband's rambling and I'll let him know what you said.

1:03:51 Yeah. My mom had to create a boundary with my dad.

1:03:55 My dad kept talking about how the world's flat, how this is happening, how everything's evil, blah, blah, blah.

1:04:00 Mom's like, you got to stop. Yeah.

1:04:03 Putting a damper on things. Things you say in this house.

1:04:06 Have weight. And that weight is bringing me down.

1:04:09 Yeah.

1:04:10 She's 5'5. She can't go down any lower. Aww. And that's the end of this story.