My girlfriend's work trips became suspicious... so I finally demanded the truth! -r/relationship_advice | Reddit Stories | EP3118

0:00 Hey, this is Dakota.

0:01 And this is Carly, your favorite OK Storytime host, and we've got some great stories coming up.

0:06 But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from the sponsors that keep the show alive. My girlfriend's work trips became suspicious, so I finally demanded the truth.

0:17 What are you doing on those vacations?

0:20 My, 30 male, girlfriend, 30 female, has shown some odd behaviors with recent work travels. So she has had a decent amount of work travel over the last two months or so. Some trips have been overnight, some have been two days, and some have been like four to five. We've been together for four years and have lived together for two. She has had work travel before, but this has been a more active stretch than usual, which is totally fine. I've been glad she's thriving in her role and getting to network more. The first thing that caught my attention... was when she was packing for an earlier trip in the stretch, and she was trying on different outfits while packing, and she wasn't.

1:02 Wearing any clothes.

1:04 I saw that she had shaved herself completely. Really, that is a telltale sign, I would say. I would say there's a really short list of a reason why someone does that.

1:18 You have crabs, or you're going to get some.

1:21 Or she just likes a different, she wants to try out a different look.

1:25 Sure.

1:25 She says, bush no more.

1:27 She usually has a trimmed look and is always well-groomed, but almost never shaved bare. And I didn't want to be accusatory or anything, so I didn't say anything. It's not like she was hiding it from me. She was unclothed right in front of me. And by the way, this comes from Throwaway Towers Silver. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit.

1:44 I'm Dakota.

1:45 And I'm Savannah.

1:46 And we're going to read this story and say things that might not be right, but they might be. Who knows? Can't be right about everything. But let us know what you think down in the comments.

1:58 And Opie says, The next thing that caught my attention was that she would change her travel plans pretty last minute to go earlier than originally planned. So, for example, she was scheduled to fly out Sunday night for meetings starting early Monday, but then she decided she's going to fly out Saturday afternoon instead, just so I'm there and not dealing with travel issues or delays.

2:21 Again, I was kind of like, really?

2:22 You want to be stuck in a random city in a random hotel longer than you need to be? But okay, yeah, it makes sense to not risk anything with travel. So again, I largely left alone. I love being in a hotel room alone.

2:35 Is anyone else? Am I just an only child and that's why I like that?

2:40 No, I love an empty hotel room.

2:43 It's really fun.

2:44 You can spread out and watch whatever you want and do whatever you want.

2:47 Scan the room for cameras.

2:49 I don't do that. should start.

2:52 She just left for another trip and will be gone all week.

2:56 She was originally scheduled to leave Monday morning but decided to fly out Saturday morning instead because she said she's never.

3:02 Been there before and I want some time to explore the city.

3:05 I don't want to divulge locations but it's not that great of a city to want to fly in early and explore for a day and a half.

3:11 Or two days before work starts. Are you sure about that? Everything you've described sounds very normal so far, not gonna lie.

3:17 Yeah, this seems all.

3:20 I.

3:23 Don't think it is coincidental.

3:24 It's just like, no, I just wanna go early. I don't know.

3:27 She's like, yeah.

3:28 She's like, if I'm gonna travel, I might as well travel and do more than just work.

3:33 Yeah, I mean, I would do the same thing. I'd be like, if I'm going to a different area, I don't wanna do just work. I'm gonna go have a date of myself or something.

3:39 And yeah, so far, your only real piece of, your silver bullet here is.

3:45 You got rid of your bush! She's squeaky clean. You're George W. Bushless.

3:51 She did.

3:53 Again, I noticed she had fully shaved her no-no square again. And this time I asked, hey, I noticed on some of your trips you've been shaving the bush beforehand. I don't mean to sound accusatory, but any reason why? And she didn't get overly defensive but told me it makes me feel more confident in myself heading into meetings and it's just easier with travel.

4:19 Okay, now I'm suspicious. That's insane.

4:22 You just said that it makes you feel more confident in your work meetings?

4:26 You short-circuited there for a second.

4:28 And also it makes it easier to travel? What does that mean?

4:32 What does that mean?

4:33 When it doesn't like.

4:35 What happens when you have a bush and trough? What does that mean?

4:38 If anything, I'd feel more confident if I had the entire, you know, Amazon jungle down there.

4:43 I'd be like, I'm in a primal alpha state.

4:46 I am protected. Nothing's getting through. That made no sense.

4:51 Now it's just naked and exposed.

4:53 Now I feel weird. How are you doing these meetings? Yeah. You're doing these meetings with no pants? Makes me feel more confident in my meetings. Okay. Okay.

5:03 I get that thinking, says OP, which is, again, insane.

5:07 But why would she not do that more regularly.

5:10 Then if that's the type of impact it has on her? The final item is last night she texted me some risque pictures from the hotel bathroom after she showered.

5:21 Sweet. I saved the photos to enjoy later and put them in my hidden folder.

5:26 I went to look at them later and saw the timestamp on them was almost two months ago. Meaning she took these photos at a different hotel and never shared them with me until now. I get that people will take photos like this at different times when they think they look best and feel good. But if she felt good enough to take them at that time, then why am I not seeing.

5:47 Them until now?

5:48 That's suspicious to me.

5:50 Buddy, honestly, her.

5:51 Ship was sunk as soon as she said, it makes me more confident in business.

5:56 Yeah, it was. That was a full blown like, oh, my God, he's on to me. What do I say?

6:02 It made me feel more confident I could speak my mind with nothing down there to get in my way.

6:07 I don't know.

6:08 Also, traveling is easier?

6:11 That's a crazy take.

6:13 Traveling's easier without a bush.

6:16 What are they doing to you? It gets in the way. What airline are you flying on?

6:22 I know that's a lot, and it's entirely possible I'm being paranoid and overanalyzing things. If you think that's the case... Then tell me. If not, tell me that as well. What do you all think? There is an update. Yeah, I think there's clearly something going on.

6:39 Yeah, she's definitely seeing someone on the side.

6:42 Well, I don't know if she's... It's possible. It's also possible that she just wants to experience the places she travels more. Is she going to the exact same city every time? Like, I assume she's going to different places. Because if she's going to different places, she's either just cheating on you with a bunch of strangers, which seems a little insane. Or, you know, there's some other reason that she's doing this that she doesn't want to say.

7:09 It's with their coworkers, obviously. Oh, I didn't even think about that.

7:15 Yeah, you said strangers. I was like, no, everywhere she goes, she's probably traveling with the same team.

7:23 With a co-worker.

7:24 Yes, it is definitely a co-worker.

7:27 That's what's going on here.

7:29 That's entirely possible. Yeah, well, with that said, it might.

7:36 Be a little too late.

7:37 She's done.

7:39 Well, here's an update.

7:42 Based on all the comments, I decided I was going to be pretty blunt with her when she returned and demand some answers. She returned from her trip on Friday morning. We were supposed to go to a friend's vacation home for the holiday weekend, so I wanted answers before doing that. Or it was just going to eat at me all weekend.

8:00 When she got home, after about 10 minutes... I said we needed to sit down and have an honest and real conversation, and I expressed all of my doubts and concerns and the red flags in her actions of late and basically said that I deserve the truth and honesty.

8:18 She pretty much caved immediately.

8:21 She started crying and finally gathered herself enough to admit that she's been sleeping with her manager on trips.

8:26 Knew it! Yeah, so obvious. I don't know how I didn't think about it. You know why, actually?

8:32 It's because when my dad traveled for business, he just traveled alone. My dad traveled a lot for business when I was a kid, but he was just traveling.

8:38 Or so you think. I mean, right?

8:41 Yeah, we actually always had a joke that he had a secret family, which he doesn't, which he does not.

8:48 No, he was a salesman. He worked on a one-man team.

8:51 He was selling something, all right.

8:52 My dad was selling shipping containers full of computers to people.

8:57 What's on those computers?

8:59 Nothing.

9:00 They're brand new. What's on those pictures? Camgirls. What's on those computers? Pictures of OP's wife's bush.

9:08 No, she doesn't have a bush anymore.

9:10 Right, it's after it was shaved off.

9:12 This was pre-bush.

9:13 It's just a bush on the floor. That's what it is, a bush on the floor.

9:18 It's just the hair.

9:20 It's just the hair.

9:22 Someone get a haircut?

9:23 Yeah, they did. Yeah, someone got the George Bush. George no bush.

9:28 OP continues, obviously I am extremely gutted, a mess, confused, lost, blah, blah, blah. All the other adjectives and words you can think of. I'm sorry your wife is so clearly cheating on you.

9:39 That was a new one. George without Bush. The next one after that is George witnessing Bush. And the one before that is George witch hazel Bush.

9:47 Witch hazel? Okay. All right, here we go. I ended things immediately. Nice.

9:54 She tried to change my mind with any and every tactic, which was not going to work.

9:59 I blocked her number. and on social media.

10:01 Her friends and sister have tried reaching out to me and I told them the true situation. Her friends backed off pretty quickly and her sister basically tried to gaslight me somehow, which was pretty infuriating. But I'll admit I've been able to laugh about that part now. I packed stuff to go and stay at my friend's place and have plans to move my stuff out of our apartment on Tuesday of this upcoming week. I appreciate everyone's blunt assessment and comments. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but obviously needed to hear them.

10:29 Time to try and move on. And that is the end of that story.

10:35 Dang. Sorry, brother. That sucks.

10:38 Yeah, but you got the right perspective right away, which is like, well, that sucks.

10:41 Moving on. Not giving you the time of day. It's over.

10:45 Hey, don't care if your sister tried to gaslight me.

10:47 That's funny.

10:48 Yeah, truthfully, you are dealing with it in the right and correct way of not looking back and just being like, yep, that didn't work out.

10:57 Moving on.

10:58 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

11:02 My boyfriend's friend paid him to cheat on me and he did it.

11:06 Dude, how much money?

11:08 So me, 25 female, and my boyfriend, 26 male, have been together for about four years. We had our ups and downs, but overall, we've had a really solid relationship. We live together and have been struggling financially a lot recently, mostly due to college debt. My boyfriend also can't work more than three hours per day because of several mental disorders.

11:31 Our parents on both sides are not really in the picture. Well, a few nights ago, my boyfriend went out without me, which is usually fine with me. According to him, he told his friends he wouldn't drink much because... He needed to save up. His friends were already really wasted. I told him how he's becoming so bland and annoying recently.

11:52 He couldn't have any fun anymore. And one of them said he would give him 250 bucks if he cheated on me. This friend has never really liked me and has often made weird comments like how my boyfriend could have done way better or how boring I made him. I know he cheated on his ex-girlfriend several times.

12:12 Hate that.

12:13 By the way, this comes from Mystic Reverend. And if you miss me on stories, you know where to go. I'm Riley.

12:19 I'm Sophia.

12:20 And Sophia and I are going to read this goofily. If you have a number of how much money you cheat on your partner with, please let us know down below. As Opie says, well, long story short, he did it.

12:30 That's just like, oh my God.

12:32 That's crazy.

12:33 I really would. I don't think I have a number that would be reasonable for me, but I know that $ 250 is not that.

12:41 My boyfriend made out with a random girl at the bar and went home with her.

12:46 He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to do that.

12:51 He went too far. He was like, do I get more money? And they're like, no. It was $ 2.

12:55 50 for kissing another girl.

12:57 Ah, I guess I gotta go home with her now. Oh man, gotta go all the way. The worst part is he didn't even tell me. I found out two days after through a hey girly text from the girl he cheated with. I immediately confronted him, and he owned up to everything. He cried, said he was sorry, and that he just did it for the money. He wanted us not to be as stressed about money.

13:21 He's an idiot if he thinks that $ 250 was worth that.

13:26 Well, he did buy groceries for us with it.

13:29 That's crazy. That's crazy. I would be like, wow, you're stupid. You thought that me not being stressed for maybe two weeks was worth our relationship ending?

13:41 You think a week worth of groceries would be okay? Yeah.

13:44 Oh my gosh.

13:45 I have been avoiding him as much as possible since then. He has been trying his hardest to make it up. I don't know what to do. I feel extremely betrayed, but I believe that he really did it for the money. How can I move on from this situation? Break up immediately. So right now she's in this position. I can still salvage it. What can I do here to make everything okay?

14:08 I genuinely have no advice to give you on that.

14:11 Cause I'm also assuming you live together. Yeah. You're the breadwinner. Yeah. And he's really relying on you.

14:17 He's a mooch. And now he's smooching.

14:19 If I needed the money that bad, I would probably sneak away, call my girlfriend and be like, Hey, this is. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

14:26 Like, why didn't he do?

14:27 I don't know.

14:28 I don't even know why he considered it. I'm actually a.

14:32 Horrible thing to do, but you could have gone about it a lot better if you were going to do it. Yeah.

14:37 This is just, I, as the girlfriend would be both, you know, horrified that he cheated on me, but also like embarrassed at, you know, how stupid he was about this. And the fact that I was worth 200, our relationship was, our relationship was worth $ 250. That's it.

14:58 Update. So first of all, I want to thank everyone for being so honest with me. I really needed that. Sorry for not answering many questions. I've kind of been going through it for the last few days. So the most asked question answered here Yes, he is in therapy and was diagnosed with borderline and depression, among other things.

15:18 Which does give a little insight to why he may have done this.

15:24 He is really mentally unstable and one of his many doctors advised him not to work more than 20 hours a week because he often gets panic attacks after too much continuous stress. The girl he cheated with reached out to me on Instagram after finding out about me Through a friend I used to go to school with. Dang.

15:46 He bought groceries from the money and gave the rest to me. He told me he did use protection. So he didn't do it.

15:53 Yeah, so it doesn't count.

15:56 It's all good.

15:57 I got tested. He told me he would cut off his friends, which I thought he already had after a previous incident. And he did everything he could to get me back in the last few days. Now, on to the actual update. I left him three days ago. Good on ya.

16:16 Good on ya.

16:18 Wow.

16:18 That's what we like to hear.

16:20 There's so many things wrong with this. So many. I mean, wow. I'm glad you cleared your head up there.

16:27 I hope this guy gets more help, because he needs it.

16:31 Oh, yeah.

16:31 He really does.

16:32 And now he doesn't even have, like, because it seems like OP was, as you said, you know, breadwinner, potentially.

16:38 Yeah.

16:39 Now he doesn't have that.

16:40 He doesn't.

16:41 Gone.

16:41 Poof. I am staying with one of my closest friends, who is an absolute angel right now. It was genuinely one of the hardest things I've ever done. I literally went insane living with him. He wanted to talk to me and make up 24-7, but I couldn't see his face anymore. I moved everything out as fast as I could and blocked him. I'm trying to find a therapist and a new place to live soon. Thanks again, everyone.

17:07 I really didn't think everyone would tell me to leave him. To be honest, I probably would have stayed with him if I didn't have your advice. I feel really stupid for even considering it now. And yes, I know it sounds fake. Can't blame you for thinking this. Let me know if I'm missing anything. Nah, it would have manipulated you to stay with him if you didn't reach out to Reddit. Because you can't reach out to a friend about this stuff because it's embarrassing.

17:33 Yeah, it's like my boyfriend cheated on me for $ 250. I don't want to tell anyone that.

17:37 Okay.

17:37 I don't want to tell anyone that.

17:40 $ 2, 000.

17:40 No, that's so little.

17:43 $ 25, 000.

17:43 See, now $ 25, 000, I'm like still breaking up with him, but at least I'm like, okay, I'm worth a little bit of money.

17:52 $ 250, 000. Okay, I'm like, we're talking, we're going to therapy. $ 2. 5 million.

17:58 $ 2.

17:58 5 million.

17:59 Okay.

18:01 No, I'm kidding. $ 25 million. Oh, my God. At that point, I'm like, what are you about to do to me?

18:06 Yeah, what happened?

18:07 I don't know.

18:08 What are you planning for?

18:09 Is this a film production? What's happening here? Golly. What's your number? Let us know down below.

18:15 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

18:19 My partner wanted to see a former lover alone, and I couldn't shake my discomfort.

18:25 I'm shaking in discomfort right now.

18:27 My monogamous partner, Calvin, and I are in our early 40s and have been together for three-plus years. I was in a previous relationship for around 15 years, whereas Calvin has been single for many years with lots of short-term relationships in that time frame. Many of his friends are people that he has previously had spicy sleep with. Uh-oh.

18:51 Maybe that's why he's had a lot of short-term relationships.

18:54 I get it. I mean, I'm co-hosting with someone I've had spicy sleep with. Don't you remember September 21st?

19:02 I do not remember the night of September 21st.

19:05 I thought he would. Calvin is traveling alone to his home state in a few days and is making plans to catch up with his old friends there. Kate is one of the people my partner is planning to meet with. It's someone he used to have spicy sleep with. Kate is a spicy sleep worker and has previously contacted Calvin to share her details about her spicy sleep work with him. Hey, here's your invoice for all the things we did in Atomizer List.

19:34 It goes in context and bullet points.

19:36 I hope you like it. It's organized and filed top to bottom, finish to finish.

19:42 Oh, God. In my previous relationship history, spending time and sharing spicy sleep related details with ex-lovers has been a hard boundary for me. So, my partner's intention to meet with her felt especially uncomfortable.

20:00 I don't know, man.

20:00 I mean, coming into this relationship, when you drop that truth bomb on me of... Yeah, I only have short-term relationships on my entire life, and a lot of my friends I've slept with, and I still hang out with them. They're my friends first. And you can sleep with your friends, but that comes with a lot of.

20:21 If you have a pillow in between you, it's okay.

20:25 Yeah.

20:25 Yeah, no, no, this is interesting territory, Opie. To me, it feels like my partner is playing with fire, and all sorts of alarms are going off inside of my body. Hope you're listening to them. By the way, this comes from Deleted. That's not a good sign. And if you want to send me your own stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Riley.

20:45 I'm Keon.

20:46 And we're going to read this goofily. If you have anything you'd like to add, please add it down below.

20:50 I don't know, OP. Your partner is playing with magma. What would you say?

20:53 I agree.

20:55 It makes me question Calvin's intentions, like a deliberate choice to see if Kate would be still willing to sleep with him. Like my partner needs to walk a razor edge to obtain validation other than spicy people still want him. Calvin has a right to have friends, including friends of people of the opposite sex. So why does it feel like crossing a boundary if he spent times alone with a former friends with benefits?

21:25 Because there's a history there.

21:27 What if I did the same? What if I went out with people I used to sleep with who I am still tangibly connected to and friendly with. How would that impact our relationship? Does my partner even consider things like this? Of course, I will be talking to Calvin about my discomfort, yet it would be helpful to have some perspective before doing so. I need help untangling what is my insecurity and what is actual disrespect. Am I wrong?

21:57 We have an edit. remove some unkind, unnecessary shaming of Kate that I initially included to justify why I felt particularly threatened by my partner being alone with her. Which makes sense if you're having worries about someone that had spicy sleep with your partner and also works in that field.

22:14 And brings up details about it.

22:15 Yeah, it's the same as if your partner is sober for two years and now they're hanging out with their bartender friend at a bar.

22:23 Who likes to peer pressure people to drink.

22:26 Yeah, or just likes to drink. Yeah, exactly. Someone he used to drink with. Same emotions there. Ooh, this one's layered. This one's a thick onion.

22:36 It's a nice little onion, a nice little cake, a nice little lasagna, whatever you think as layers.

22:41 Dumplings. Dumpling lasagna.

22:43 I don't think dumplings have layers, but you know what?

22:45 You can make a dumpling layered lasagna.

22:47 That sounds yummy, actually.

22:48 It looks pretty good. I've seen it on Instagram.

22:50 But you know what doesn't sound yummy? this relationship, Riley.

22:54 Sounds like a conversation needs to be happened.

22:56 I feel like you guys, yes, truthfully, but I feel like Calvin, who has been doing this pretty much all his life, this is what he does. This is how he interacts with his friends, and he has this openness with them, and that's okay. I think O.P., And their relationship with, you know, past lovers and being spicy and having all those, you know, spicy sleep is very different on the way Calvin views it and how he handles it.

23:23 I don't think this relationship is going to work out because you guys have.

23:26 Two very different ideas.

23:28 No.

23:29 I'm not saying it's wrong.

23:30 I'm not saying it's wrong.

23:31 You have two different ideas about how spicy sleep works with people and how you interact with people.

23:37 No, just get over your insecurities and let him do whatever he wants. He's a man. Trust him. Or don't do that. Is what some people would say. Not me. I, personally, I'm cutting off, I have friends that I've had spicy related encounters with that I can still be friends with, but I don't since I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend because I do not feel like it's respectful towards her.

23:59 Yeah, but I feel like, again, just depending on, it's such a case-by-case thing where like, yeah, that happened 10 years ago.

24:09 We are just friends now. To some people, that could be bothering them. To some people, that's totally fine. It just is a case-by-case scenario.

24:16 So, Edit, thank you all for sharing your perspectives and holding a mirror up to various things I needed to reflect more deeply on before approaching my partner. This comment from WinterAd8000 resonates with me where I am showing up or where I'm not and where I have to do work on. Edit 3, we talked. My partner's reaction to my insecurity was not compassionate. My delivery wasn't graceful either, so I understand his defensiveness. I feel like we should have flipped those sentences. Because it's like, oh, he should have been compassionate, but I was like, oh, you might.

24:53 Have yelled at him. But I didn't do this gracefully, yeah. He got very upset, but I also delivered it really badly.

25:01 I'm currently trying to hold the tension between multiple truths and see where this all goes. I have few former spicy-related partners who I've remained in some sort of contact with. My partner has many. This doesn't need to be a value judgment and instead can help ground context for why we're experiencing this in our relationship. I experience discomfort when my partner spends time alone with people he's previously slept with.

25:30 My partner does not. My discomfort doesn't make him wrong or me right. My partner is unwilling to agree to stop spending time alone with people he has previously slept with. I feel simultaneously hurt that he won't consider how uncomfortable this makes me feel and also grateful he isn't willing to placate my insecurities around his. I cannot force my partner to behave in a certain way to help me feel more secure. It's my confidence that attracts him and my insecurity that pushes him away. I understand why he is unwilling to stop spending time with people he's previously slept with, and also feel sad that he cannot hold any space for my insecurity around it. He was unwilling to discuss what might help me feel better, and instead,

26:18 he would not allow my insecurity to become his problem. I'm sorry, this feels like a lot of therapy talk.

26:24 Yeah, but I feel like, I think we're getting really into the nitty gritty here. OP, I feel like you're never going to be comfortable with it, and he's just very comfortable with it.

26:37 I'll finish this. Well, uphill battle. Let me get to that. Both of us have the right to friends of all genders. Thus, I can consider moving my own personal boundary and allow people back into my life with whom I've shared more than just spicy sleep. In terms of what my partner can do, we are still working through that. My hope is that he can meet My insecurities with more compassion.

27:03 Our discussion around all of this did not feel good. I don't like the therapy talk here. It honestly feels like an uphill battle.

27:11 Literally skating uphill.

27:13 I was dating a girl and I was thinking about us and a future. And there were things of both of our past that I did not feel comfortable with. So I was like, I'm just going to have to deal with this all the time. And I don't know how to deal with it. So I'm not going to look forward to it. So I'm not going to make it happen. And she's with someone else, and she's great.

27:33 She's actually a really good friend of mine. I have had spicy encounters with her, so I can't be her friend anymore. But she's a great person.

27:41 I think you could be friends with people you've had spicy encounters with.

27:43 I don't feel like it would be respectful towards my girlfriend, though.

27:46 It just depends. Again, it's a case-by-case of like, yeah, that's.

27:51 My friend and I only talk to each other when we're both single.

27:54 I don't like that. You could be chill with your friends.

27:58 I don't know.

27:59 Again, that's my opinion. It's very different to your opinion.

28:02 I like we're debating right now or, you know, but with this relationship for OP, I don't think her insecurities are going to be because this is just one friend.

28:14 There's many.

28:15 There's many friends.

28:16 Again.

28:16 He's Barney.

28:17 He is Barney. A lot of his friends he has slept with. So when it happens past this friend, you go, oh, no, now I need to work against another friend, another uphill. It's just, you know what this feels like?

28:29 A mountain. It's not a hill.

28:30 It's starting to feel like a mountain.

28:32 You're hiking. You're hiking. You're like, oh, I passed that one hill. There's another.

28:36 We have like 30 more floors.

28:39 Oh, no.

28:41 You went from mountains to floors.

28:43 You know what I meant. Not really.

28:46 What do you call going on one mountain, like a mountain range, just like the mountain range keeps getting higher?

28:50 Yeah, I can't think of it right now.

28:52 To get from one mountaintop to another, you have to go through a valley. Update! Calvin is home from his trip, visiting his parents in his home state. Prior to his leaving, we had a deeply realigning conversation after a failed attempt. I knew to expect him to spend time with Kate while he was traveling. I guess now this is where the real work begins. One evening during his trip, we were speaking on the phone and he told me he was on his way to a brewery and we said goodnight as he was arriving. Late that same night, I was alerted to an iMessage notification on his iPad from his father at 2.30 in the morning asking if he would be coming home that night. I couldn't fall back to sleep after seeing that. When we spoke on the

29:37 phone the next day, he lied to me about seeing Kate. First, he didn't tell me he met up with her at all. He said he went home after the brewery. I asked him, why lie? That I know he didn't go straight home. Then he told me he went to see Kate's family for a pretzel.

29:55 Oh, that's what we're calling it? No, you were performing to look like a pretzel with Kate.

30:00 And he went home straight after. I said, I also know that isn't true. I asked him what time his father would tell me he got home if I were to ask him. I tried to keep breathing to remain calm throughout our entire call. Then he told me he did not go to Kate's house for a while, and he left abruptly after something she said to him. Though he hadn't mentioned those plans to me when we spoke, he had been with Kate for many hours by his time his father texted him. This included some hours spent at her home after midnight. I asked him if there's nothing wrong with either of us spending time alone, even in private, even at their house, even late at night with people we've previously slept with. Why lie?

30:45 He sits in a web of lies right now. He's creating a concoction of just a huge web of lies.

30:52 He answered that he didn't want to upset me for hanging out with her. causing an unnecessary fight.

30:58 Hey, guess what, buddy? Guess what you did? One, lied. And now, I'm very upset. So, that didn't happen.

31:06 Look where we're at.

31:08 Surprise!

31:09 Shout out to the iPad. The iPad always just has it, got your back.

31:13 It's the Apple Cloud. They will always be transparent.

31:18 Always got your back.

31:19 This tracks with my gut. Even the lack of safety we created for hard conversations around insecurities. I asked him, if you know you're dancing outside of my comfort boundaries, why don't you care to try and establish more comfort by communicating with me? He answered that his meeting with her wasn't about me. It was for him. I bet it was.

31:42 Yeah, I bet he enjoyed that one.

31:45 Though the many hours of their conversation was about me, namely about him in the context of our relationship. He explained that he doesn't have anyone to talk to about these things, about us. And that night, he was seeking an answer he abruptly understood he already had. What was his question? That's what I want to know. He still has feelings for this woman.

32:11 What's your social security number?

32:14 What's the middle name of your mother?

32:16 Yeah, what was your first pet's name?

32:19 He explained... that they talked for hours at her family's restaurant until it closed. She then invited him to her family home to continue talking for more hours. He said Kate said something to him that caused him to leave her house abruptly about how he needs to show up for the people in his life. He shared he had been holding an enormous amount of pain and resentment, perceiving the amount of effort he has put into our relationship as unwitnessed and undervalued. He also shared some shame about how he has shown up during fights with me and in his previous relationships. He said he's been holding a fear that he already had gone too far during some of our fights, dominating me in conversation and validating my

33:04 feelings and so on. All of this when addressed in the absence of emotional safety in our relationship and shows up in a series of choices around this entire event. Okay, so I'm just going to translate this right now. This is going over my head. How do I simply put this?

33:24 I don't know.

33:26 I do know, I do know.

33:27 Okay, you got this?

33:28 Okay.

33:29 He didn't listen to you. That's simple as it can be.

33:33 And he's giving you a really.

33:35 Maybe he's telling the truth, but he's doing it in such a BS way that... Oh, I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings because this is going to cause an unnecessary argument.

33:44 This, like.

33:45 But I was doing it for you. I was doing it for us.

33:48 So, Ree, I have this thing. I'll get back to it. I'm going to go in my little soapbox. I kind of have this thing against therapy talk because I feel like it's being weaponized in relationships. Therapy talk is brilliant to really understand and reflect how you feel about an event so you can look into yourself and have a simpler and more peaceful life. Not to have a complex thing around stuff. Because I think if you overthink things, it kind of pulls out and drags out the joy in that. I like basketball because it's simple. I can get complex into it. But I like it because of how it is. I don't have to explain why Michael Jordan's shot is so good because of the angle of his jump shot. I don't have to do that. I

34:30 just like it because he's a good player.

34:32 Very simple.

34:32 It feels like in this relationship, she's breaking down every single thing. I don't see love in this conversation. I don't see love in this relationship.

34:42 Yeah, the fact that you have to really break it down to like every nitty gritty piece of detail.

34:48 Is it very important to paint the picture? It's crazy.

34:51 I told him that was his choice of approach to make me feel further away from him. Made me fear the worst. Had a counter between them and that I needed to understand the full picture of so I can make informed choices for myself. I asked questions from 360 different angles until it felt satisfied he was being thoroughly honest with me.

35:13 That's crazy. What are you, a detective?

35:16 Just breaking them down with a conversation. Girl, I think you can, you were so into the nitty grittos that if you take a step back, you'll actually see the answer you're looking for.

35:26 Truthfully, yeah.

35:28 He encouraged me to continue asking him questions until I felt secured. saying he is committed to acknowledging my fears. He successfully reassured me that he has only romantically been with me during our time together, and it reaffirmed that monogamy is his preferred relationship container. What does that even mean? Like, why are we, ugh! This is pissing me off! He shared that going back to his hometown, seeing his parents, seeing old friends, and processing his current life with past people made him understand that he already has everything he wants now, and he needs to only take better care of it. We discussed the immature ways we are testing each other. We reflected on the tremendous hardships and enormous

36:15 growth we've had, both undergone in the relationship with one another, and agreed we both desire to continue growing in the same direction. We both have family and relationship trauma that absolutely repeats in our relationship now if we aren't diligent. We've also had the capacity to be diplomatically caring and empathetic in conversations. We simply have to choose to do the latter, despite the former programming. I, ugh, OP. What, are you both doctors? Are you both professors? I feel like I'm reading a college dissertation.

36:54 Yeah, like this is my thesis?

36:56 Yes, a college thesis right now. About love.

36:59 Or like how relationships should work?

37:01 Yes. How to get through an uncomfortable conversation with your partner.

37:04 Yeah.

37:06 Yeah. The correct and precise way to manage and disregard any insecurities.

37:13 It's like when you go to a restaurant and it's like chicken nuggets and ketchup. You're like, I want chicken nuggets and ketchup. And you're like, no, no, no. Yeah, you're like the white meat of the cockle doodle do with breading on it with tomato paste made from the finest puree.

37:29 So chicken nuggets with ketchup. Okay. That's what it was. That's what we're getting right now.

37:35 Oh my gosh, they're putting cherries on his shake. We resolved the points in about 90 minutes during the same phone call that began with him lying. We resolved these points. Make it end. We were almost done. We're reading at a 12th grade reading level for no reason.

37:53 Ugh.

37:54 We remained committed to a calm, productive conversation. We never yelled and we encourage each other to say and to hear hard things. We have been comfortably close in communication and physical touch since his return. So am I wrong for not wanting my partner to go out with someone he previously slept with, even if they are spending time alone in our house in the middle of the night?

38:17 Even if she is a spicy worker? Even if he has a history of cheating in his past relationships? Now you say that!

38:26 Again, like I said, we're skating up, we're trying to skate uphill. and the hill is just the start of a huge mountain and then volcano.

38:33 I think he did, and he's talking way out of it. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

38:38 You caught him lying to you three times in a row.

38:42 No, I am not wrong for my feelings. My comfort boundaries make sense, and it makes sense that I would feel uncomfortable in this unique situation. It's also true that processing my uncomfortable feelings is my own responsibility's Not Calvin's. Calvin is not wrong for spending time with someone he's previously slept with. Oh my gosh! Then why did you.

39:05 Oh, dude, Opie, you pissed me off.

39:07 Opie's like, let me ask this question on the internet, but I'm also going to answer the question and be righteous about it.

39:12 I see the word... Twi-Con-Do you're doing right now? Yeah. You're doing it in a way so you can reassure yourself that you're in a relationship that you enjoy, but you've overthought it to a point that, like, you, you'll just talk yourself into anything.

39:28 Yes.

39:28 Thank you.

39:29 Yeah.

39:29 That's my, my same process is if Opie says it, if Opie writes it down and like repeats it, it's like, yes. I'm, this is affirmation. Like this is happening. My relationship with Calvin is healthy. It is wrong for him to do this, but it also validates my feelings.

39:46 There were so many contradictory things in this story.

39:48 Exactly.

39:49 Oh my gosh.

39:50 I will, I won't speak on behalf of Calvin, but I'm going to speak on behalf of Calvin because that's wrong with him doing it.

39:56 Oh my gosh.

39:56 And I'm, I'm allowed to have my feelings. Yes.

40:00 I understand everything you talked about, but it's so contradictory. He is allowed to have friends and to process his life with friends. Even when I feel uncomfortable. So what was all of that? If Angie is talking to her ex and considering getting back with them and she wants to have a conversation of what that would look like with them, I would feel uncomfortable and I would ask her not to do that.

40:20 But then she does it.

40:21 We're done. We're done. That's what that would be.

40:23 You caught her lying to you about it.

40:25 This is what happened. He talked to his ex-girl, looked at what a life with her would look like. maybe did something, and then OP has convinced herself that she's okay with it.

40:35 He went, oh my gosh, that's why I have such short relationships.

40:38 That's why OP's the greatest thing ever. This is also true that he can remain friendships while demonstrating great respect and care for a relationship. He can articulate where he didn't take care in this situation and understands that I cannot continue in a relationship where that level of disrespect is permissible. We are both wrong in how we should have been showing up or not in the area of emotional safety in our relationship. We are both wrong for disrespecting various areas of our relationship in the day-to-day, not just this instance. We are both aware of the individual trauma loops that we are projecting onto one another, and we have both deepened our commitment to be careful and diligent with each other and our relationship in to reground

41:23 each other when we lose our way. So, okay. You literally, earlier in your first update, were like, he processed it this way, he went about it this way, and that's his responsibility, and I can have no judgment on it. And now you're putting a judgment on it? What is even happening here?

41:42 Yeah.

41:43 It's very hypocritical speech here.

41:46 It feels like a two-way wire.

41:47 Could you do me a favor?

41:49 What?

41:49 Could you go to the comments on that one?

41:50 Oh my god, I don't want to.

41:52 I want to see at least the top comment. Because all I'm getting from this... OP, this is just the first time. In the first night. And this is how you're going to act?

42:03 I'm sorry.

42:04 And he didn't really.

42:06 Maybe it's changed. Maybe.

42:08 Just maybe.

42:08 I hope so.

42:10 Oh, it's been blocked.

42:11 Gee, it's deleted.

42:13 Because I wonder why the company, you were reaching. You were reaching and you're saying things for him to make it seem like your relationship is good or it will be good.

42:22 He lied to you.

42:24 And his lifestyle is going to be a lifestyle that you are not going to appreciate and it's always going to bother you.

42:30 And that's okay.

42:32 Yeah, everyone's saying red flags.

42:33 That doesn't mean, that.

42:35 Doesn't mean this relationship is going to work out.

42:38 Yeah, my partner visiting a prostitute they used to sleep with yeah this ain't cool this ain't cool in my book yeah this would be a big no for me you're not wrong for feeling upset about this at all let me tell my old lady i'm going to hang out with my ex hookup who is a sex worker lol i'll be packing bags.

42:56 Who again has a history of cheating yeah and he's.

42:59 Cheated before what truly worries me is the necessity of your partner to be desired in order to fill themselves adequate why are there people in this equation This is not an isolated episode, and you'll have to deal with this again. Absolutely, the need, obviously the need for validation might go as far as we can all imagine. Do you want this at all? And please, if you haven't already, get yourself tested. Oh God, not wrong. No, no, no, you're, you're, yeah.

43:26 This was the whole spiel for one, the one time he went home to visit his family one night.

43:34 This is a comment right here that I would love to know. Ask your partner if they would like a hall pass for this person. If they seem interested, you'll have your answer. Yeah, that was so crazy. I hope this love never finds me.

43:48 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

43:51 Hey, it's Carly, Keon's girlfriend, here.

43:54 We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

43:59 My boyfriend hid a huge inheritance from me while I paid for everything.

44:03 He wants your money.

44:05 My, 28 female, boyfriend's, 30 male, father tragically passed away in January, leaving behind my boyfriend, his younger sister, and younger brother. His parents were divorced.

44:17 Dang.

44:18 Okay.

44:19 That's how we're starting it? Okay.

44:20 Very dark.

44:22 After the passing, things got really bad between my boyfriend and his siblings and their dad's brother.

44:29 So his uncle.

44:30 Guess he was wealthy.

44:31 My boyfriend talked to me about all the problems. and even got legal advice from my mom, who is a lawyer. Now, my boyfriend and I have had issues surrounding money for quite some time. Many times he has failed to pay rent, and I have had to cover it for him. I have also been the one who paid the security deposit on all three rentals we have lived in, and paid for all the furnishings, groceries, etc.

44:56 We split 50-50.

44:58 I had to buy his flight for him to go home for his dad's funeral, and I've paid for similar emergency expenses in the past?

45:04 He's just bad with his money. It's not, you didn't say he didn't make enough money as you. He's just bad with his money.

45:09 How much money are you making?

45:10 Enough to take care of him. Sounds like you can live on your own.

45:14 I started feeling stressed out by bearing what I felt to be an unbalanced part of our shared financial burden. We worked the same kind of job. I just put in more hours and saved more money as a result. it doesn't seem right that I have the responsibility of saving a safety net for myself and for him to use whenever he doesn't plan ahead well enough. And by the way, this comes from user SoPissed. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime subreddit.

45:41 I'm Keon.

45:42 I'm Riley.

45:43 And we're here to get good advice goofily. Riley and I are just goofy guys.

45:47 That's all we are.

45:47 And that's all we know. So that's what we're going to do. Let us know what you do in the comments down below, pretty please.

45:53 As OP says.

45:54 So.

45:55 I talked to him about it a few weeks ago and told him that I won't be lending him any more money because it's too stressful. And also that if we are going to have a future, he needs to start saving more.

46:06 Start being okay with your money, dude.

46:09 OP, I like how all these things you're like, huh, what's going on? I paid for your flights. I paid for everything. And anytime you pay for something, it's only 50-50. When have you ever got me something or paid me that money back?

46:24 Right.

46:25 Right.

46:26 What's the plan for that? I will say, Angie spotted me for some plane tickets. I was in a weird kind of thing, and I was like, can you spot me some plane tickets? Paid her back. Yeah. Yeah. How that works.

46:37 Unless if it's a gift, usually with couples, it should go 50-50. Or like, hey, I'll get you back, or.

46:44 You get me the next one.

46:45 This is not good. He's financially mistreating you, Opie. Opie continues saying, I want to save money for a house or travel or retire, and I need a partner who can keep up with the modest amount that I save for a life together. He said he understood and would work on saving more. His sister and mom are visiting us from overseas. My boyfriend, his sister, and I went clubbing last night, and we were all quite wasted. My boyfriend asked me if it would be okay if his 22-year-old little brother moves in with us while he gets his life together. I said I would think about it.

47:22 While I'm asking questions about how his brother is living without a job, my boyfriend admits that there was an inheritance.

47:28 From his father.

47:29 Please continue.

47:31 And it's a sizable one.

47:33 What do you mean by that? Uh-huh.

47:35 Yeah, keep going.

47:35 When?

47:36 Why did your brother only get that one? Or did everyone get that split evenly?

47:41 How much are we talking here?

47:42 I ask him, like, how much?

47:45 He tells me $ 100, 000.

47:50 People go into game shows for that amount of money.

47:53 And I go, show me the money.

47:55 Okay.

47:55 So your brother, his brother got that.

47:57 He totally got more than I think he got more since he got a lawyer involved. I think he got more. How much did he get?

48:03 Well, my jaw dropped at that. I asked my boyfriend what his own share was. And he told me that it was the same thing. And you go, where is that money?

48:13 Why have I been paying for everything?

48:15 So you're gonna pay me back.

48:17 Yeah.

48:17 My first question is, have you spent any of that money? Where is that money? And I'm only asking this because we're living together. If we weren't living together, it would be their thing.

48:26 And I've been paying for you.

48:27 Yeah, since I'm the one taking care of you, where's that money been?

48:31 Why did you not use that money to pay for your flight back home?

48:34 Oh, shoot.

48:35 Or maybe it took some time. Maybe you didn't have it yet.

48:37 But if you did have that money, why didn't you pay me back or at least have a conversation with me? Or why didn't you bring it up? Oh, my gosh.

48:42 Why are you hiding this from me? Opie continues saying, I was floored.

48:48 We've always struggled to get by, and I have been very worried about our future finances. In none of our previous conversations did he mention that he received this game-changingly huge amount of money. Like Riley said, this is game show money, if not more. I don't know how long he's known, or if he was even planning to tell me.

49:09 He might have just done it because he was wasted. I was absolutely furious. I told him that we can't have a future if he hides things like that from me. and that I feel used for providing for him so many times and being totally transparent about my money while he sat.

49:26 On this huge secret. Being wasted and pissed, I told him.

49:31 We are through and that he will have to find another place to live. He told me I should move out since I'm the one with the problem.

49:39 Oh, really?

49:41 Oh, interesting. Hmm. Funny you say that.

49:44 Oh, I think he was just being defensive and knows that because I hold 80% of the deposit. I had to ask him to contribute his 20% and I own all the furnishings.

49:54 If one of us keeps the place, it will be me. Yep.

49:58 Yep. You definitely own that place. Dogs pee for their territory and humans buy furniture to claim theirs.

50:05 This guy is just saying words at this point. Continuing the loud.

50:09 arguments, and then he and his sister left without saying goodbye. I proceeded to stay out with my friends and drank till sun up and crashed on a friend's couch. I got back to the apartment this morning and went to bed. He asked me if he wanted to come out sightseeing with his family today and I said no. I don't know how I can face them. Aside from the chit chat with his mom this morning, there hasn't been any conversation.

50:35 They have been gone sightseeing all day. They're still out and it's his mom and his sister's last night in town. I feel guilty for getting so wasted and staying out so late and for fighting with my boyfriend while his family is in town. His mom and sister are really lovely and I had been looking forward to spending time with them. But I cannot believe he hid this huge windfall inheritance from me until I asked him about it during the course of a conversation about his brother.

51:01 I feel really betrayed.

51:04 We have been having other relationship problems, but I love him, and we both said we wanted to work it out. Reddit, did I overreact? What do I do now? Would I be a fool to try and trust him again? Should I run like heck, or should I try to listen to his side of the story before making a sober break?

51:21 We have an update. Riley, what are we doing? What do you do? Angie, you're living a life, and you're paying all for Angie.

51:29 Paying for everything, and she's had this amount of money for a while.

51:32 Angie has. So much money in her account and hid it from you. Never treated you.

51:38 Never paid you back.

51:40 Never said a word and said, you're the bad guy.

51:43 I may be breaking up at that point. Because for a while she has been carrying this financial stress for a long time and she keeps mentioning it. That is a very, very heavy weight to bear.

51:59 I guarantee you he wanted to bring it up. But I think he was like, no.

52:03 No.

52:03 This is going very well. I like this.

52:05 Okay.

52:06 Yeah.

52:06 Yeah.

52:06 It's a good situation for him. It's a beautiful situation for him. Angie and I went to walk to Trader Joe's to pick up some groceries and the groceries were heavy. It was two bags, both equally the same size. I noticed that the person not holding the bags had more fun walking while the other person didn't. And I'm seeing the same thing with this situation.

52:27 Who was walking and who was holding the bags?

52:29 Yes.

52:30 Who was kind of like, oh, this is great. I love walking. And who's the one bearing the load? I was carrying it for most of it. I'm strong enough to do it. But I know when I gave it to Angie, she was like, oh, so we end up like one person carrying another bag of another. But that's not happening here.

52:47 OP, I'm not saying this in the context of yes and whatever, but you're a donkey.

52:53 You're like a pack mule. He's going up the hill.

52:57 You're carrying everything. You're carrying that burden. And it's all of his things. And he goes, that was an easy uphill walk, right?

53:05 We can keep doing this. Yeah, no, no. It's weird. It's weird.

53:09 I would break up.

53:09 I think she breaks up. I would break up. I think she's breaking up right now.

53:12 I would get my money first and then break up.

53:14 We have an update.

53:16 It took almost five days to get the bottom of our issues. But we finally reached a resolution and have made up and decided to continue our life together.

53:26 Whoa.

53:27 Okay. Did not expect that coming. Basically.

53:30 My boyfriend has been more financially stable than I realized for a long time. A lot of the impression I got about his instability was from having to pay for things when he was having issues with his cards overseas. Not because he didn't have the money. He just couldn't access it, okay? Some of the other things, like furnishings and deposits, he could have taken more initiative on. He's agreed to be a better team player about things like that in the future. he says he hasn't been sharing these things to talk about the issues because he has been embarrassed about his shortcomings and wants to fix things independently.

54:04 He didn't want me to think he was relying on the inheritance to help him. He's also still struggling with the loss of his dad and taking on so much responsibility for the rest of his family in the wake of the loss. I understand where he's coming from and I have apologized for my reaction. I have a history of acting foolish and making bad mistakes when binge drinking and and this experience has been a wake-up call to me.

54:27 I need to avoid getting that intoxicated.

54:29 And opening the door to drama.

54:32 I did my best to make up my absence to his family before they left, and I apologized to his sister for fighting in front of her. She was understanding and kind about it, for which I'm very grateful. I don't think they'll ever forget about it, but I hope that in time I will have given them lots of good reasons to look past it.

54:49 A little bit left here. What do we do with this now? That he.

54:56 Didn't want to tell us this inheritance because he wasn't going to rely on it. And he wanted to make, you know, he knew he was struggling.

55:03 So this guy's 30. I get that for guys it's hard to relay emotional things that they're feeling. But this seems pretty important. Every girlfriend's, I don't know, taking care of you.

55:15 Especially when you're, I hate to say it, relying on her to pay for everything.

55:21 Yeah, no. unacceptable. I'm glad they talked it out, though.

55:26 Like, I know he's going through a hard time.

55:27 This is now their relationship and they have to, you know, bear the consequences if those consequences are good or bad. Consequences is a neutral term, not a negative one. This is their journey now. They chose this. If I was in it, I would probably think about breaking up or if I still love this person and they had a really hard time financially and didn't know what to do with their finances, I would have a very deep conversation. Hey, you gotta help out now. It ain't me no more.

55:54 I'm going to need some help.

55:55 Yeah.

55:56 It's a very fine line to walk and tippy-toe around and all that jazz. So, I mean, I'm happy you guys are working on it, but if this didn't come up, Riley, do you think.

56:08 OP would still continue to be paying for him?

56:11 Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. If he went this long, his dad passed away like a month ago?

56:17 Pretty recently, yeah.

56:19 And he did say the inheritance is locked. Or, like, you know, maybe it's coming in waves. Or it's not like you fully get this.

56:26 I understand that. I would have had a conversation with my girlfriend that I'm living with. If it was a girlfriend I'm not living with, different story. Someone I'm living with, that's another, it's a deeper conversation at that point. If this was someone I was married to, oh, dude, you wouldn't get away with this at all.

56:41 Hopefully this does, like, open up that can of worms into your relationship for the future and how you guys communicate things. I hope it doesn't close up and, you know, he doesn't, talk to you about this anymore, but who knows? Opie continues saying, my boyfriend has agreed that he needs to take a more active role in communicating about his situation and.

57:02 Our future together.

57:03 All right. I like this.

57:05 We were able to untangle a lot of issues about trust that have been simmering on the back burner for a while. So I am feeling a lot better about the relationship now than I have in a long time. My boyfriend is responding to comments below.

57:19 And offering his perspective.

57:21 We don't see things exactly the same, you don't say, but I respect his opinion and I'm glad he is sharing his point of view. Thanks to everyone who has participated in the discussion here with sincerity. Your perspectives and advice have helped me a lot and have helped us get through a really difficult time. I hope this post can help someone else with a problem he or she is having someday.

57:42 All right.

57:43 Yeah, I think hopefully he This has opened it up to being open and no longer relying on you and he can provide for you eventually. Or vice versa, where it's like 50-50 on other things like furniture and paying for expensive things or the bills.

58:01 Yep.

58:03 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

58:06 I refuse to let my friend's girlfriend attend our wedding. He threatened to skip it. He's going to skip it and get married himself. First time posting in this thread and I'm really at my wits end here. So I, 27 female, am marrying my fiance, 31 male, in a few months. We had previously set a standard that if people hadn't been in a relationship six months prior to our wedding day, they couldn't have a plus one. So we wouldn't have random people at our wedding. We didn't know.

58:33 Fair enough.

58:34 Long story short, one of the groomsmen got a girlfriend and we can't stand her. She's mean to him and others, controlling, manipulative, and just a horrible individual. We've tried getting to know her on four separate occasions and have not enjoyed any experience as she was always making it about her and they always ended up in a fight where they break up.

58:56 Yeah, where are the friends being like, she's horrible, leave her?

59:01 They've broken up eight times in two months that we know of. She got mad at him and screamed and yelled at him for talking to me about getting her involved and me involved. her out with me and my friends more all while she was actively dancing on other guys and intentionally making our friend jealous.

59:18 Bro eight times in two months eight times broken up in two months you're not dating you.

59:24 Break up every week she deleted every text i sent so it looked like i was ignoring her And went to him crying that I was ignoring her and that we weren't putting in effort when I was. I have every text I have ever sent to her while I was being nice and trying to make plans with them. By the way, this comes from UpsetFeeling3507 at FeeWantsToBeYourOwnStories. Go to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I'm Riley.

59:49 I'm Dakota. And we don't have all the information out there. We're just going to read this goofily. If you have anything you'd like to add, please add it down below. OP says about this crazy woman. Sad groomsmen brought up bringing her to our wedding and my fiance and I discussed and ultimately said no and gave all of our reasons why. I wonder how long it took you guys to come up with that decision.

1:00:10 Probably instantaneously. Just like not even like zero milliseconds. Just no immediately.

1:00:17 She doesn't respect us, me or him individually. And she is not someone we want to surround ourselves with because the drama that comes with her is not something we want to deal with on the best day of our lives. Show me your five friends and I'll show you who you are. Show me who you invite to your wedding and I'll show you how your marriage goes.

1:00:38 I'm not inviting anybody.

1:00:39 To the first one.

1:00:40 This is a long-storied philosophical difference between us on the show. I'm a huge proponent of secret wedding firsts. Have your perfect moment with your partner.

1:00:50 Secret wedding. It's beautiful.

1:00:51 It's an intimate thing you share between yourselves. And then you can have the wedding with all of the other people that can ruin it, but they can't ruin it because you already did it.

1:01:00 I thought your second wedding was going to be with someone else.

1:01:02 I got it.

1:01:03 I got thrown for a loop there. No, no, it's no. You should just, everyone should have two weddings. I really believe this. With the same person. The same person.

1:01:11 Everybody get married once for yourselves and then do the wedding for, I guess, all the other people.

1:01:16 There's so much more she's done in the multiple encounters we've had and the things he's told us, but it'd take forever to get through. She sent us a text that he will, in fact, will be bringing his partner or he will no longer attend. Before hearing our response, he went and got fitted for his tux, which made me even angrier that he thinks we're just gonna let him bully us into letting them come. We're trying to decide what to tell him, as he's very important to my fiance, like family important.

1:01:49 I mean, if he is that level of close, him saying.

1:01:53 Like, The reason we're not inviting her is because she's terrible and you guys have broken up twice and she's going to start a fight at the wedding.

1:02:00 She's going to make a fight with you.

1:02:02 Twice? Eight times.

1:02:04 Eight?

1:02:04 Yeah, you were going to have eight times in two months. And tell me, how many times has she cheated on you?

1:02:10 I mean, if you can even call this a relationship, it's like, yeah, you break up every week and she's dancing with other people.

1:02:16 I guess I just need advice. What should we do? Am I the a-hole for not wanting her there and getting angry at it? The relationship thing, six months before the wedding was so, there weren't people that we didn't know at our wedding day that was supposed to be surrounded by ones we love. There are always exceptions, and anyone who questioned the rule, text, or call, we had conversations and tried our best to accommodate. He was not given a plus one, and she very clearly does not want what is best for us. Our venue has a very strict guest limit, so we had to make cuts somewhere else. edit two. It's, it's either she comes or grandma.

1:02:52 That's what I would say.

1:02:53 Yeah. I mean, you can, you can just try to make it like a, it's just a purely logistics.

1:02:58 Thing at this point.

1:02:59 But if you're really like, this is your brother, like, I don't know, like I can't imagine not listening, you know, like I've been in that situation where like, I'm talking to like my closest friends about like a relationship and then they would go, What? And that was what made me realize I'd go, oh, oh, this is actually like I'm this is actually bad.

1:03:21 So tell him how bad it is. Edit two. He did not start dating her until after invitations were sent out and plus ones were decided. Relevant comments. Deleted says, I understand you don't like her, but she's the groomsman's significant other. After your wedding day, he has to still deal with the fallout of his decision regarding her coming or not. I wouldn't stay with a boyfriend that went to a wedding where I was banned. Most significant others would stand up for their significant other. Does she meet the six-month criteria you set? Hope he says she does not.

1:03:54 They have broken up once a week since the beginning of their relationship. So they've been together for two months. I'm not kidding or being dramatic. Literally once a week. And in my opinion, I should want to be surrounded by people who love us and only want what's best for us on one day in my whole life. She clearly doesn't since she's been deleting texts and making it look like I'm ignoring her when I'm not and talking bad about me and pretending to be my friend only to scream at him because he and I had a conversation.

1:04:26 Opie also says she has made every single encounter we've had with her miserable. I do not want to risk what's supposed to be such a happy day for us. I guess this is where my issue is. One more comment. Sharking Snarker says, I understand. Personally, I think I'd also prefer them both to stay home. There was no risk of causing drama. You have the right to form boundaries on your special day. They don't have to agree with it, but they have to accept it. I just hope that it doesn't cause a rift between him and your fiance if he doesn't show up.

1:04:57 Well, I mean, with him being a groomsman, like that's a little more complicated.

1:05:01 Hope he says, I'm letting my fiance ultimately decide what he wants as I don't want him to ever resent me in the future. I also hope it doesn't cause a rift. I'm sorry about your boyfriend's friend. I hate that so much and it scares me, which is why I guess I was seeking advice from people who don't know any of the parties involved. Thanks for your response and best of luck. Update two, two months later. Is she going or not? I sure hope not. Let's be real though. She's there.

1:05:29 So we got eight more breakups have happened. Now we're up to 16 breakups now.

1:05:33 I don't think I've had 16 breakups in my life. Dude, I agree. I don't think I have either.

1:05:39 Like, Riley, if you were dating a girl and y'all broke up eight times in two months, I would grab you by the shoulders and shake you until you woke up from the dream that you're in that you're dating somebody.

1:05:53 If it gets to that point, you might as well just let me go because there's no going back. I'm going to be... You're caught in the nightmare. And I like it and it's toxic. No.

1:06:02 Okay.

1:06:02 Well then on that train of thought, if that's the case, then you definitely shouldn't bring, if that's the case, then you definitely shouldn't bring her to the wedding. Cause it'll just create more toxic drama. And then you guys, you know, can sort that out. However you guys sort it. If you love the toxicity, this is a great opportunity to make your girlfriend behave very toxically.

1:06:23 Update two, two months later. So our wedding went amazing and was everything I have ever dreamed of having. Yay! We did it! It was truly perfect. She stayed away and he stayed the whole time. Not as juicy, I know. Some people were probably hoping. My, now husband, was able to celebrate with his favorite people without her ruining anyone's fun.

1:06:47 I did hear through the grapevine that she caused a bunch of drama when He met her out after the wedding. But at this point, who cares? Maybe that's mean, but they've pushed me to my wits end. Obie says he hasn't spoken to me since we told him she couldn't come and has only spoken to my husband to get things out of our shared house because he is moving in with her. That doesn't sound good. So I guess misery wants company and they can enjoy being miserable and he can enjoy picking up his things that she throws in her front yard. calling him names, yelling at him in front of his friends and family, and just overall being an absolute vile individual. They need therapy, separately and together, but that's not my place to say anymore. Thank you

1:07:34 to everyone for your kind words. I married my best friend in the entire world, and now we get to spend a lifetime together. And yes, when they inevitably break up, he will have a spot to come home so he isn't alone. We will always love him, but at what point do we stop enabling? Thank you again, everyone. I think moving him out's stop enabling it.

1:07:53 Yeah, I mean, hey, maybe he's right where he wants to be, you know? Maybe he's just a real big fan of the talk. He's like, he just can't figure out how to live without someone throwing his stuff in the lawn and screaming at him. I think your friend needs therapy to figure out why on earth he'd be in a relationship like this. And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one. Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite rat brain host here. And we're going to get back to the stories soon. But here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. I put my friend before my husband and it nearly broke my marriage.

1:08:30 Wonder why?

1:08:32 My 30 female best friend, 29 female just recently.

1:08:36 Lost her husband, home, car and all income.

1:08:40 Her husband suddenly passed, my bad, and was the only one working while she stayed at home with her one-year-old twin and four-year-old. They had nowhere to go, so we took them in until she can save up enough to get an apartment. There was no life insurance. My husband isn't happy that they're here. He has told me that he does not... like my friend at all and that she has taken me away from him and has taken his home away. He's paranoid that she's stealing our things when we aren't home and wants to put locks on our bedroom and office doors as well as put cameras in them.

1:09:13 Might want to hear him out. This is his home too. Is there a reason he is worried that she's sketchy?

1:09:20 Right.

1:09:20 Was she hoping there was going to be life insurance?

1:09:23 Today, my friend went into our room to smoke a cig on our patio to take a second away from her kids when we weren't home. She called me to tell me that she was going onto our patio and my husband started freaking out. Now he says he feels like he needs to get an apartment and he doesn't feel safe and he doesn't have a place in our home that they don't have access to. By the way, this comes from Complex Life 9849. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit.

1:09:48 I'm Dakota. I'm Riley.

1:09:49 We're reading this here story. We're going to read a little goofily and tell you what we think. And you can tell us what you think.

1:09:55 In the comments. I feel like I'm losing my mind with this man right now. Really? He's paranoid for some reason. What's happening?

1:10:02 It breaks my heart that he hates my friend so much when she hasn't done anything. She's just going through one of the toughest times in her life. But I don't know if I'm being too trusting of my friend and inconsiderate of his feelings or if he is being too paranoid.

1:10:16 There's an update. We're going to get answers. I don't know.

1:10:22 My gut is telling me that his spidey sense was on the money.

1:10:26 Yes, three things. Number one, did she make a pass on him? Number two, did she... Unalive for her own husband. I don't know. I've been watching some crime stuff. I doubt that happened. Number three, how is she treating her children? Because if he does not like it and he feels like something's wrong and something's up, hear him out. What's actually happening here? Update. A lot has happened.

1:10:50 It's so hard to fit every single detail of a situation in one post, especially while trying to respect my friend's privacy while going through such a rough time.

1:10:58 What? What? He was right. but I took a lot of y'all's advice.

1:11:03 I apologized to my husband and asked him what boundaries he has and what needs to change for him to feel more comfortable. We did have this conversation before they moved in, but things are so different than expected. I realized that I was putting my friend before my husband and it was a harsh wake-up call. My husband wasn't thinking about leaving me, but he was definitely unhappy. I'm glad we had this talk because we have been a lot happier being on the same page. Well, we sat down and talked to my friend and it went great.

1:11:32 She apologized for going into our bedroom when we weren't home and agreed that it was unacceptable and will not happen again. I told her the bedroom and study were off limits with no exceptions. Her children need to keep their toys in the playroom we made for them and not downstairs so they aren't taking over the entire house.

1:11:49 She agreed to these things completely. We changed the door locks on the two rooms as well as added cameras and a safe for valuables. Most importantly, we told her she needed to get a job and her children in daycare ASAP and gave her a hard deadline of April 1st. She took the whole conversation really well and said she needed this to happen so she could get out of her sadness and start building her life for her and her kids. Five days later, she got a job and found a daycare for her children.

1:12:15 It's been a complete switch in the energy in the house.

1:12:18 My husband and I are spending more time alone in our home together and all of our set boundaries have been respected. To everyone that said they'd never taken their friend and three kids, that's exactly why she has nowhere else to go.

1:12:29 No one said yes.

1:12:31 It's been rough on everyone, but my husband and I are confident in our decision to help, even more so now that we both feel listened to.

1:12:37 Would you look at what a little communication can do?

1:12:40 Wait, that's it? No, there's a little more. But that's what happened? She didn't steal? They just talked it out. She said there's so much more detail she can't put in this post?

1:12:48 Well, it's just details to keep her friend anonymous.

1:12:51 I don't care. I thought she was going to like ruin things.

1:12:54 I think he just knows how to handle his business because he's like, you know, it's better to be ahead of, oh, we never expected my friend to be a thief.

1:13:04 Well, it won't affect you if you're ready. True. Good point. I don't know. I just wasn't expecting this ending.

1:13:11 He has also worked on his anger towards said friend and feels more at ease when talking to her and existing in the same space. It also helps that he sees she's taking our rules and deadlines seriously and acting accordingly.

1:13:22 Reddit obliterated me.

1:13:24 And while I don't agree with her out, I appreciate the brutalness that made me realize I was not backing my husband the way I vowed to.

1:13:32 And that is the end of that story.

1:13:34 All right.

1:13:35 I think the brutality is, dude, you like are essentially saving your friend.

1:13:40 You can't be that mad about it. No, this is a great friend. Glad she listened. Dude, two twin, three kids. It's a lot. She got her stuff together though. That's crazy. But if you don't have to pay rent, you can put that towards daycare. Exactly.

1:13:55 That's the whole plan is it's like, stay here, save up, get a job, get out of here.

1:14:00 Yeah.

1:14:01 Dang, well, I'm really glad she got that, and I was hoping for more drama. And that's the end of this story.