My boyfriend REFUSED to let go of his late husband, and I FEARED that he never will! | Reddit Stories | EP3130

0:00 Hey, this is Dakota.

0:01 And this is Riley, your favorite OK Storytime host.

0:03 And we got some great stories coming up.

0:05 But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from the sponsors that keep this show alive.

0:10 My boyfriend refuses to let go of his late husband, and I fear that he never will. Ooh, that sticky situation. And we have a trigger warning for mentions of passing and grief, but a hopeful ending. Okay. My 29 female boyfriend, Matthew, 38 male, is an incredibly sweet and hardworking man. We've been together for two years and have been friends for nearly 10 years. Five years ago, Matthew's husband... Hey passed away after a brief but intense fight with terminal illness.

0:41 Our friend group was devastated by the loss. We all loved Hey and we loved them together. And for the first few years, Matthew didn't grieve in what most of us, myself included, considered to be a healthy way. He slept with Hey's clothes, talked to him as if he were still in the room and and oftentimes carried his ashes with him to do everything. I hope that he wasn't still doing that when you got together with him, because that, to me, would be an indication of we are not over this passing. Yeah. Enough to... I did this when my dog passed. I just... You slept in his clothes?

1:14 No, I would go to my house and I would call for her like outside and I'd be like, oh, I.

1:19 Just missed her. She's just outside. You know, she's just in the neighborhood. I don't think these are abnormal ways to process grief and loss. More so just like if it continued while you were together, I'd be like, okay. Well, not everything. Just the clothes, I would say. And maybe carrying ashes everywhere. But like talking to them, I think that is pretty normal. Yeah, carrying ashes. Now I understand that everyone mourns in their own way and none of us ever dared to say anything. But needless to say, we were relieved when Matthew finally had Hay's ashes interred and started going to therapy. About three years after Hay passed away, Matthew and I began casually dating. Okay. I'm a graduate student working on my doctorate in education and

1:58 I don't have a lot of free time. But we know each other very well and it was easy to be together. Additionally, we both have very intimate knowledge of the other's grief. And that removed a lot of the delicacy surrounding Hay's presence in his life. By the way, this comes from How Do I Navigate This? And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I'm Sophia. I'm Savannah.

2:19 And I'm Dakota. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we literally have not been in this situation. So if you have been in this situation, put it down below.

2:27 I hope if Keon passes, he lets me carry around his ashes.

2:30 You could get a tattoo with his ashes in them.

2:33 I'll put it in the little one-inch man.

2:35 Yeah, you could tattoo with someone's ashes. You just put them in onto you? How has that even happened? Are you sure?

2:43 Yes.

2:43 Not that this should matter at all, but more as a matter of propriety. The fact that Matthew is bi and was previously married to a man is a non-issue for me. Fast forward two years and we've developed a very strong, incredibly healthy relationship. We spend our time very wisely, are very much in love, and are happy together. The only sticking point, and it's becoming a bigger one as the possibility of getting engaged one day looms, is that Matthew refuses to leave the apartment that Hay passed away in.

3:09 He's had three opportunities now to end his lease and will not do so. He's gone as far as to state that, in no uncertain terms, he will pass away there too because it's where Hay passed away. Oh, wow.

3:21 That's kind of next level.

3:23 It's really sad. But also, if you just had that connection with someone, I mean, I get it. I do get it. But when you start a new relationship with someone to kind of unequivocally say, I will never move to a new house. We will never be able to have our own place because I have to stay here until I pass. Yeah, that is that's a tough thing for a partner to hear.

3:44 Yeah, you would have to kind of find a partner who is okay with that.

3:49 Yeah, I was like, okay, well, I guess I like this apartment. It's really tough, though. Yeah, that's so tough. My fear is that this last holdover will never go away, and I will either have to move into the apartment with him, which seems like such a mar to Hay's memory, or we'll have to break up because we can't live together.

4:05 If what he needs and wants is for me to live there with him, I would do it In an instant. He means the world to me and he is happier than he has been in nearly five years. I am okay with not being the love of his life. I would never want to pretend like that wasn't hay. What I am not okay with is the idea that he's so attached to the apartment because of what it represents that I'll never be able to heal that last little bit.

4:27 In Reddit, I just want what's best for him. Is it indelicate for me to voice these concerns to him? Should I just accept that it's not going to change and move in there with him? To be clear, I'm not weirded out by it or anything. I just don't want to tarnish my friend's memory is all. Many thanks if you've gotten this far. And we do have an edit.

4:44 What does OP do in this situation? Truthfully, it kind of seems.

4:49 like hoarder like you go through like a very traumatic experience and then you just want to keep everything yeah completely understandable we get it but like you can't let that now consume your life like now your way of living is only to serve the one that has passed yeah that's not that's where it becomes unhealthy like there is a time where you can grieve You.

5:10 Know, and grieving never ends. Grieving comes and goes, whatever.

5:13 It's it's never linear, just like, you know, literally anything in life. But the thing is, you can't live your life just for that person who has passed. They wouldn't want you to do that. Yeah.

5:23 Like even the line, I'm going to stay here until I pass away because he passed. Yeah, it really is tying your whole life to this person who would not want that.

5:33 If I'm OP, I'm like, why don't you want to pass away in the apartment that I croak in, you know?

5:37 Yeah, I mean, OP even said, like, oh, I know I'm not going to be the love of his life. Yeah. That is kind of devastating because there isn't even like a, oh, well, he can have two loves. It's like, I'm not one of them. Yeah. I think a conversation very delicately had would be good.

5:56 I think you should be like, buddy, you are stuck in a Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau classic.

6:01 The odd couple. The odd couple here. The odd couple. I mean, but there's, let's ship them. Let's ship. You don't know about the odd couple? Oh, wait, hold on. Doesn't she give up the ghost at the end or something? There's a ghost? You never, you don't know, you don't know about the odd couple? I thought you were talking about, I actually didn't, I thought you were talking about the movie where.

6:17 They're not actually a couple. They're just roommates.

6:19 Oh, I didn't, I've never actually seen the odd couple. Never even heard of it. All right.

6:23 Take that reference out, editors.

6:25 I've heard of it. I just haven't seen it.

6:26 Edit!

6:26 Matthew used to have terrible anger problems. He was violent to a fault when the least bit inconvenienced, very quick to retaliate, and very hateful. Hay brought a calm and guidance to his life, and I'm proud to say that none of us have seen the least bit of regression since Hay's passing. But I believe that Matthew associates his own goodness with Hay. It is possible that he is holding on to the apartment as a means to ensure that he has that cornerstone to his serenity, and is worried about regressing to being an angry person. I had not considered that and I'm grateful for that insight. And we've got relevant comments. Bad at relationship says this was hard to read as it's such a tough situation to

7:03 be in. Is he in therapy currently? I feel like this issue would be best unpacked with the help of a professional. That's I was thinking that he is in therapy, though. Like currently, I know they said that he did go. Oh, good point. I don't know if he's still in therapy. Because he went to therapy like a year after the passing.

7:18 They're still. I mean, I guess we'll find out. OP responds to a widower who is in a similar situation. I want to respond to this further once I'm out of class because there are several points in here that would be beneficial for me to expound upon. But I just want to thank you for your words and to offer my condolences for your loss. Well, okay. Okay, so that meant nothing. update three days later let's see if op took any of the advice and how that went i took a day to come to terms with all the realities you fantastic group of people helped me see and sat down with matthew last night i told him first and most importantly that i loved him and that i wanted him to be happy and healthy and taken

7:54 care of we talked for a while about how his therapy has been going and he agreed that he needed more and that it would be beneficial for us to go together We've got a little bit left. Any final thoughts? This is very.

8:05 It's very sad because you don't want to push someone to get over, you know, their grief or another person's passing or anything, their sadness, whatever. You never want to push someone to do that because that's not your place. But when you see how badly it's affecting someone and they can't see it because they are just in this rut and in this headspace and they've been in it for so long that this is just... This is their life now. They've accepted it. It's so hard for you as like a non-professional or, you know, as a friend or as a lover to try to get them out of that. Like that's on, it is on them to take the initiative. And it's good that he, you know, said, I do want to, I think I need.

8:45 More therapy and, you know, maybe we should do couples therapy.

8:47 I think couples therapy actually would benefit a lot because then he can open up his mind view to not just what he's seen. I feel like he just has blinders on right now.

8:56 I think in your relationship, there are three people and it's not that you should get rid of hay or get rid of the memory of hay. No.

9:04 Yeah.

9:05 It's just that you need to create a boundary between what was their relationship and what is yours. Yes. It's not forgetting or erasing that relationship, but it's saying, okay, this is our relationship and this is what we need to do for us.

9:18 Hey is always going to be memorialized absolutely he's always going to be there like nobody's ever gonna forget that especially.

9:23 If they're and this is opie's friend too.

9:25 You know they're both grieving in their own ways but obviously matthew is grieving in it in a very in a much bigger capacity just because he was his partner yeah you know for him to hold on to these things i get it you don't want to forget him you want everything to grab to normal but like the thing is this has happened and now change needs to happen as well yes.

9:44 Doesn't mean you're going to forget him.

9:46 It doesn't mean that all of a sudden now I'm a bad person because I'm not revolving my life around him and not thinking about him as much. No, like you still have your life. You can't just sit there and live your life for someone else.

9:57 You can't pass away without. person. Yeah, exactly. You can't pass away with that person. You're still living. But we got a little bit left. He also came to the conclusion himself that he needed to move out of the apartment and had been putting it off because he hadn't been ready to let go of Hay yet. Exactly. But that I helped him move forward and that he was ready to build a life with me. We're going to see a therapist together starting next week, and he's ready to look at apartments when his lease is up in August.

10:23 We talked vaguely about marriage once I'm finished with my degree, and he reiterated that he was in love with me because of me, not because Hay is gone and he's lonely. I just want to thank this community for the tremendous amount of compassion I was shown with my original post. I believe that we're on the right track to make healthy choices for ourselves and our relationship. And this sounding board is a large part of the reason why. Thank you again. Love and light to all of you. How beautiful.

10:48 That was a very hopeful ending.

10:50 Yeah.

10:50 I just really appreciate how understanding OP is in all of this. OP could have like thrashed out. I mean, we've seen so many stories.

10:58 You know, like really making like a horrible deal out of it when it's just like he just is having such a hard time letting go.

11:04 And that is normal. That is so normal. That is such a normal thing to do, especially like in the face of like such a tragedy. Yes. So makes sense. But I'm glad everyone was understanding and like everyone came together in the end. Me too. But that is the end of that story. And we've got another one coming right up. My boyfriend is mad because I told him how to cook his food. Don't tell me how to cook my food.

11:27 To me, this issue is absolutely ridiculous. But I'm here to see if I'm the issue. My boyfriend and I have been having issues and I'm cognizant that I am part of the issue. But I can't always recognize when exactly, so I genuinely want advice. But please don't be rude about me or my boyfriend.

11:45 Don't tell me what to be rude about. You're out of here telling everyone what to do, OP. We're people, not monsters.

11:52 We went to the store earlier and he, 28 male, got one of his favorite frozen meals. I, 28 female, said on the way home, and this is a direct quote. Hey, can you please use the oven for that when you cook it? It makes everything else we microwave smell like it for months afterwards if you use the microwave.

12:10 I hate this meal. I cannot stand it.

12:13 I have autism and the smell and taste are absolutely disgusting. It is my, oh no, someone microwave rotten fish in the break room food.

12:23 He instantly went silent.

12:24 When we got home, he put the meal in the freezer and bathed without a word. I asked him if he wanted me to make it for him. He whispered the word without looking at me. Ew.

12:32 I know I don't. You want me to cook that for you?

12:35 No.

12:36 Go bathe then.

12:37 Okay.

12:42 He's in the bathtub. I asked what he wanted to eat. He didn't answer.

12:49 I said his name twice because I thought he didn't hear me. Third time, I knew he did. I asked him what was wrong four times and he kept saying nothing. I said, this is your last chance to tell me what's wrong. Otherwise, I'm moving on. He said he was upset that I told him how to cook his food and that it didn't taste right from the oven. By the way, this comes from me, Sunflower, 1997. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. As OP says, I completely understand that. Skillet salmon is superior to baked salmon.

13:20 Air fryer chicken nuggets are better than oven baked or microwave chicken nuggets. Okay, but like no one's ever said a microwaved meal is better than an oven meal. I have.

13:30 I mean, like what? Like pizza rolls. Microwave pizza rolls you think are better than oven pizza rolls? I love them kind of soggy. That is a weird take.

13:39 Nah, that's valid. Maybe it's just because we're Midwesterners.

13:42 Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, you like them a bit bad. I don't like them when they're crispy. I, truthfully, hot take, hate air fryers. Will never use it. That I don't get. However, I do want to posit, perhaps, you are not the only one in the house that has autism. That's exactly what I was thinking, too.

13:59 It seems how he is acting and how he is, yeah, how he's behaving, reacting to things. Seems like this is an autistic couple.

14:07 We've got autism versus autism right now.

14:10 We're having an autism off. Y'all need to be on the same team. Not an autism off. It's true.

14:15 Autism versus autism. That's a crazy Mexican standoff.

14:21 I told him, okay, that's fine. You can use the microwave if it tastes better that way.

14:25 Just wipe the microwave out with the Clorox wipe. He said it didn't matter and his appetite was gone. He walked past me without looking at me, shut the bedroom door and went to bed hungry.

14:35 I don't even, I wouldn't even know how to deal with this. I'd be like, oh no.

14:40 Is this guy trying to Gandhi you? He's trying to hunger strike.

14:42 You right now. He's in his, he's in his room being like, I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry. I took a stand, but now I'm really hungry. You're just kind of hurting yourself. I'm not really. Yeah, I don't know what that accomplishes.

14:53 I don't know who else can tell, but the this is your last chance to tell me what's wrong is from literal years of him doing this exact thing, refusing to talk about it and then making it my problem in arguments later on.

15:05 I'm so tired of the pouting and now I feel awful.

15:08 I feel like I can't ask for simple things, otherwise I'm treated like I'm controlling, witchy, self-centered, and harmful.

15:14 He has used all of those terms to.

15:16 Describe me except harmful, but we all know that the other three in tandem often mean mistreatment. I don't want to be a bad person, especially to him, and I thought this was a reasonable ask and reasonable options for compromise. Please give me some insight. Am I the a-hole for telling my boyfriend how to cook his food?

15:35 There's an update. No, you didn't even really tell him. You just said, hey, do you mind doing that in the oven? And then he went. I genuinely just think you both have autism and I think you both have take rejection. Well, actually, I don't even know how you take rejection. I think he takes rejection pretty sensitively and seriously.

15:50 So just have another conversation with him and say, hey, I really wasn't making a judgment on you personally. It just affects my food sensitivity.

15:59 Truthfully, I don't think he can have a conversation. I don't like if he's been doing this for years.

16:05 Yeah. Like he's not going to sit down all of a sudden and be like, OK, let's talk about if he's been reacting this way for years. That's what she said. It's been happening for literal years. Oh, gosh.

16:14 Yeah.

16:15 Nah, I disagree.

16:16 There's definitely a way to bring this up the right way. Also, why am I so shiny and white?

16:20 Yeah, like they're just not using the right sequence of words to get the conversation started the right way.

16:25 How would you do it then?

16:26 I don't have the exact words, but the vibe needs to be like, you know, clearly this guy's very sensitive to rejection or sensitive to, you know, so it needs to be like, hey, this isn't an accusation.

16:36 This isn't a demand.

16:38 This is just, we're just going to talk so we can get to understand each other more.

16:42 That's it. I think that you could try and see if there is another way you could have a conversation. But if this is an ongoing issue and he reacts this way every time. Well, because they both got autism.

16:54 So my bet is that this isn't being brought up by either of them in a great way.

16:59 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying like you either you have two options. Try and figure out a new way to communicate. And if you can't, then maybe this isn't a relationship that can continue.

17:08 Yeah. Because then you're constantly just feeling bad over things, just having.

17:12 A simple conversation. Because I get if OP was like saying like, hey, I don't like how you did that. That made me feel bad. You know, you're rude for doing that. I think I would understand if OP was like, oh, I didn't like how you did that. You're mean for that. You're rude. If he took that to heart and was like, oh my God, I don't even want to talk to anyone.

17:30 Yeah.

17:30 That is different. But she literally just say, hey, could you put in the oven? Yeah. And he's like, it kind of makes the food taste bad. Yeah. Not even a judgment on him.

17:37 Right?

17:38 Just the food's stanky. Just doesn't, don't smell good. I don't like it. And he's like, oh, I did another thing wrong. Update. Long story short, we broke up. Oh, makes sense. We had several intense.

17:51 Arguments after I posted this, several of which were huge issues in how we wanted to live in the future. I did tell him that what he did in the previous post was stonewalling and was harmful. Like several of you said, I told him he thought about money more than love in a relationship.

18:20 He agreed with me. When did that happen? Maybe in the comments that we missed. Dang. He said, yes, I do think about money more than you. I really think that you both do have autism. Opie hasn't said that he does, but that it does feel like a very like, yeah, of course I think about money more than you. It's a very important part of life. It's a matter of fact. Yeah, it's just pragmatic.

18:40 I told him that I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable. I told him he acted like he hates me. I told him I didn't want to joke back and forth or cuss at one another with the state of our relationship, that I wanted him to be better about communicating and asking for space if that's what he needed. and that I was tired of him acting like any varying opinion of mine was me criticizing him or whatever was going on in his head.

19:02 Within an hour of.

19:02 Me telling him that he had harmful tendencies and having that whole conversation, he was cussing at me, calling me names. He claimed later that all the name calling and cussing was a joke.

19:12 Oh, when you would call me a B word and a buh buh buh, beep beep beep, that was all, that was all jokes?

19:18 Name calling in like any relationship is just so.

19:21 I hate that.

19:22 It's so immature. Like we can have, we can have a conversation. Don't be like, oh, you're such a, you're so this and that.

19:29 And it's like, that's great. Personally, I mean, I'm not a huge swearer, but I hate any form of like swearing, name calling whenever you're having a disagreement.

19:37 Oh yeah.

19:38 I'm just like, why? When people get so heated. I hate that.

19:42 I reminded him, I said no more jokes or cussing until we were closer again and he got mad. He ruined Valentine's Day by making more jokes. at my expense i'm off the hook because i got you flowers right you can only have this cake if you let me film myself smashing it in your face so i can send it to my friends except.

20:00 Oh what Wow. Well, congratulations on your breakup. Yeah, this guy is kind of scary now. Big wins. Big wins. Why do your friends want a video of you smashing a cake into my face? What are you telling your friends? That's really strange.

20:18 I knew the second I held my ground that it was over. I texted my parents and asked them to help me get the F out. He's so volatile and angry that sometimes I could literally just ask him what he wants for dinner and he would yell at me as a response. If I talk, he will yell and say it's because he's stressed.

20:35 Unacceptable. No excuse. Truly the second that someone... Yells at me? Yells at me for asking, what do you want for dinner? Yeah. Yes, there are times when people are stressed and, you know, lash out and they don't mean it. Yeah. But there is a limit. There is a limit. You get that maybe a couple times before I'm like, no, no, you don't get to do this every time you're upset. See, I will immediately clock that and have a bad taste in my mouth. Personally, I... just immediately any times anyone yells at me like i have a partner yell at me and just no oh cool all right so you don't respect me then i don't think i've like the only people i've ever yelled at in argument like my parents yeah like my family like sister parents brother also

21:21 maybe dakota but that was just because we're debating something Oh, I said the only people I've ever yelled at an argument are my parents. And then I was like, oh, well, probably in a debate with you. I think I yelled at you over Yahtzee. What was that game? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Scattergories. We did.

21:36 This girl and Scattergories.

21:38 Nothing gets me more. That was like the first time I ever met Dakota.

21:42 That was the first time you met me?

21:44 That's not true.

21:45 And I'm now deeply offended by that. I don't remember the first time I met you, but I know that wasn't the first time.

21:50 It could have been.

21:51 Pretty sure it was because you were like, we're playing. And then he came in and you're like, oh my God. And he just argue, argue, argue.

21:58 No, this counts. This counts. This part of the game is you argue your point. That was actually, yeah, that was your argument was that you could argue, but that's fine. Maybe that was the first time.

22:12 I remember, but it was a good first impression, though.

22:14 I was like, this guy's funny. This guy's spirited. This guy's got edge. All right. Well, the point is that I do not yell at my partners, and I think it's kind of ridiculous to do that. There's no need. And for anyone out there who has done that in the past, it is not a judgment on you. It's just saying, hey, we can do better going forward.

22:32 To be Temple's advocate, I think there's a difference between just yelling, like about something, versus like.

22:40 Being stern.

22:41 Like yelling directly at a person about something they have done.

22:45 To be clear, I'm talking about yelling at a person.

22:47 Well, no, I mean, like you like I mean, even if you yell at your partner, but you're yelling about like something going on in your life. But if you're yelling at them because it's like, why did you do this thing like that?

22:58 Yeah.

22:58 Like belittling.

22:59 Yelling is still not great, but I don't think you need to break up with them if they get heated about something. If it's not like a direct like denigration of you.

23:09 But in this story, he is yelling at her. I know. I'm just.

23:12 Calling her names like that's unacceptable that is for anyone out there who has had that happen or maybe who has done that really take a take stock take stock be like why why am i letting that happen to me and then for the why am i doing that why do i feel the need to do that is this what i feel like i deserve yes he's mad i posted about this i don't care if he sees this update i loved him so desperately and i tried my best to make it work i need to focus on finding my own closure Nice. Hopefully this is my last and only update. Wish me luck in staying away.

23:42 A habit of four and a half years is so hard to break, girl.

23:47 Do I know? Yeah, it does take a while.

23:52 And you gotta, yeah, it's a habit. I mean, when you're dating someone like that, your thoughts change.

23:57 That is interesting to view it as a habit of four and a half years.

23:59 A habit of feeling like you're never good enough. Your voice does not matter as much as your partner's. I've never considered, I've never thought about it as a habit. And that is such a good point.

24:08 Yes, it is a habit. It's not who you are. No, it's a habit. It's not like this is now your sense. It's such a good. Sorry, I'm just having like a realization. I'm like, wow, that is such. Sophia's never been in a toxic relationship. I've been in two relationships. One did not last long enough to be toxic. And one is very good. Oh God, I went three and a half years with a monster.

24:26 If I may, I still can't believe what that guy said to you when y'all broke up. I will never respect that man.

24:34 Four months after we broke up. Oh yeah, and then that, I wasn't even thinking about that.

24:39 Oh my, no, I was thinking about what he said that night, which I'm not trying to, you're not.

24:44 Going to get re-traumatized over that guy. No, I'm good now.

24:46 Yeah.

24:47 What just like a, oh God, I wish you would have laid into that guy. I told this girl she needed to eviscerate this man because he sent her like a meme four months later.

24:56 It said, wake up, babe. Like, so something, something dropped.

25:02 I was like, you need to be like, who on the, in God's green earth do you think you're messaging right now?

25:08 And I responded, I responded, hey, maybe don't send those to your ex-girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then I was like, actually, don't text me anymore. Yeah. Yeah, Dakota. I think Dakota hates him more than I do. I don't hate him either.

25:21 I just kind of nothing him. But I'll never be friends with him because of that.

25:24 Yeah.

25:25 Tried to talk to me at the climbing gym with my headphones in. And I was like, what are you? Yay!

25:48 I am so proud of you, OP. I love that.

25:50 When I went through like my breakup, I went back to all the things that I like to do.

25:54 I like to paint.

25:54 I like to embroider. I, you know, I like to be outside in nature. I like found myself again. And I was like, oh, I remember I would want him to be a part of all this and ask him and he'd be like, yeah, yeah, stupid.

26:05 And then I would just be like, okay. I think part of being in a relationship is, is, is learning how to do things with your partner and also reminding yourself that you can do things without them. I completely agree with that statement. One thousand percent. I just like everyone to be involved in what I do because I think what I do is cool. I always invite everyone I know. Exactly. I'm like, please, everyone I know, come to this. Yes. And then they're like, I'm busy. Please be proud of me. Please. I need someone to be proud of me. Shut up. I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you. Oh my gosh, girl. I'm so proud.

26:38 I am proud of you for standing up for yourself, going through this for four and a half years.

26:42 And then having the realization that I deserve better. Yes. And then having, yes.

26:45 And then realizing I need to go and get help to find who I am again. You are on the right track. This gives me chills because it- I mean, you have me getting realizations.

26:55 Like, you know who you are.

26:56 You just have to rewire your brain. You've been doing it for so long. That's what you know. That's what you think is right. And now you know you deserve better and you're working towards that. You know where your happiness is supposed to be. I mean, like therapy, but also there are ways to break habits.

27:10 People have been doing it forever. Yeah. Well, that's what therapy helps you.

27:13 I have, I didn't realize I had all of these weird like habits that I just like will go into myself and I don't need to, you know, they just help you realize that that's not who you are. That's just a product of what has happened to you.

27:25 Sometimes you need like an outside person to tell you, Hey, like the negative self-talk is not true. It's just in my head. What you're doing is wrong. Great.

27:34 Yeah.

27:34 You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. We're all extremely proud of you. I don't even know you. I'm proud of you.

27:40 It's crazy when you learn that your mind is actually not you and you are a separate entity from your own mind. Your mind will trick you and lie to you and tell you things, tell you you're this, tell you you're that, tell you you deserve this.

27:53 And your mind is very powerful. And none of that is necessarily true. But your mind is so powerful that you start to believe it. yeah you have to be like whoa it's like when you get the intrusive thoughts like have you ever got the intrusive thought when you're driving you're like oh i'll just like not even like oh in a bad way but you're like oh what if this car like slammed into.

28:10 A tree or it's like yeah what if i how many points would i get if i hit that guy whenever.

28:14 I'm on my holland i'm like i could just freak yeah and it's like you you have no desire to do that it's just like but that's a possible.

28:21 It's possible it's possible and your brain goes what.

28:23 If you did that and you go shut up brain Exactly.

28:27 Driving here. That is the, you have to have that kind of same mindset when your brain goes, you're going to be alone forever and everyone hates you. You go, shut up brain. I'm driving here. Oh no. And you're going to feel broken and that's okay. You are. You, you're allowed to be.

28:39 No, no, no.

28:40 I'm just, I'm not saying like, that's okay. You are.

28:42 No, I'm just saying. Not like in that way, but it is. You do feel broken after you go through all of this. You don't know who you are. And I'm like, I don't know who I am anymore. And you go through this whole process, but eventually you will get there and you'll seal all the cracks with gold.

28:58 You'll be OK. But that's the end of that story, folks. And we got another one coming right up.

29:02 Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite host who's always on track here. And we're going to get back to the stories in three minutes after these ads from our sponsors.

29:11 My boyfriend lets his dog's waste pile up for days and refuses to clean it up. Oh God, poop house. My female 29 boyfriend, male 31, has two dogs that live with him in his apartment. He lives in an old building and his apartment doesn't have any kind of garden or outside place where his dogs can stay safely while he's at work. He usually works from early in the morning till 7pm so he leaves the dogs alone inside the house for at least 8-9 hours daily. Oh my god. That is unacceptable.

29:40 No.

29:41 Alone in the house for 8-9 hours? Figuring this is my ex. Genuinely that is unacceptable. A dog should not be like max 6 hours? Max. Without being able to, like if your dog is well trained, max 6 hours and that's cutting it. Yeah, no, I would even go lower, like four or five. Yeah, I mean, like a well-trained dog.

30:03 A well-trained dog, yeah, will like... Since the dogs spend their entire day inside the apartment, they have learned to pee and sometimes poop in all different rooms. The kitchen, the studio, the bathroom, the hallway, even his bedroom sometimes. However, that's not the problem. The problem is the fact that he doesn't immediately clean the pee, and most times days go by and pee just piles up in the corner of the house.

30:24 Ew.

30:25 Why are we saying that the previous thing wasn't the problem? Because that's also the problem. Yeah. He shouldn't have dogs. Very much the problem. He doesn't even use the pads to absorb the pee and then throw them away. And with time, the place smells really bad inside, and I worry about bacteria in the environment. By the way, this comes from Melod33. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit And Opie says, I tried to help him by cleaning the pee, but after almost a year, I was the one doing most of the cleaning, even in his own house, because he would refuse to clean it or he would postpone it. Maybe we can, one, train the dogs to pee specific place in the house. Two, Take

31:02 the dogs out. Or get a sitter.

31:05 Yeah.

31:06 Ask your neighbor.

31:07 Anyone.

31:08 Anyone.

31:09 I'm sure there's probably like teenagers, you know, like somewhere who are looking for like a little side hustle, whatever.

31:15 Ask them if they want to, you know, watch the dogs.

31:18 Yes.

31:19 Let the strange teens into your house.

31:22 Well, we're just saying dogs. He says he doesn't care about that and that his health is OK and that I'm making a huge fuss about it. I cannot even visit him at his place because it would be very smelly and dirty and I can't stand it anymore. I'm hurt by the fact that he doesn't realize that there are better ways to deal with the pee and that it's very important to me to solve it because we want to move in together. Don't. at some point and i just won't be able to live in a dirty house or be the only one cleaning for background my mom didn't let me go out and play before my room was cleaned and organized and i really value cleanliness but i never had a pet when growing up because my mom didn't like how dirty animals can be so

31:58 i don't know if this is okay or not and that is why op doesn't understand yep That is why OP does not understand that this is unacceptable.

32:06 Yeah, no, this is absolute disgusting behavior of the boyfriend and him not being able to take care of him.

32:14 Not only himself, I'm sure. He's probably dirty.

32:17 And then also coming home to a poop and pee infested house now.

32:22 Again, there's pee sitting there in at least two spots of the apartment at all times. And if I don't clean it, he won't either. And it will just sit there for days. That's... Disgusting. Am I the butt face for getting tired of cleaning the pee every time and getting angry at him for not being able to clean it himself?

32:38 P.S.

32:39 When I tell him that I don't like it when he doesn't clean the pee or plan a solution to it, he tells me that I criticize him too hard, that I see him with disgust, and that I don't understand how his work is getting the better of him and he's too exhausted to clean after the dogs every day. You don't deserve dogs. There is an update. You don't deserve dogs, period.

32:55 Yeah, imagine just him saying this, but it's about like a baby.

32:58 Well, I have a tough job. Yeah. I don't have time to take care of my baby every day. It's just sitting in its poop and pee for eight to ten hours.

33:06 And newsflash, brother, if you live in a pee-pee poo-poo house, yeah, I think of you with more disgust.

33:12 Yeah.

33:12 I go, oh, he lives in pee-pee poo-poo house and he can't clean it up because he's a terrible dog owner. And you like, does it? Does the smell not bother?

33:20 You.

33:20 Immediately if I walk in, when you get used to a smell. You know what? I would bet. When you live in a smell like that and you get used to it.

33:27 I would bet this guy grew up in a hoarder house.

33:29 Probably.

33:30 Or just grew up in a house that doesn't know how to clean.

33:32 The waste being left around is for sure like, that's a hoarder house type deal.

33:38 I would call some sort of animal protective services. Oh, for sure. This man could not have his dogs anymore.

33:43 There's so many people who want dogs who would love to take care of them and this guy is just living in squalor.

33:48 Update, we broke up.

33:49 Yes!

33:49 We tried to talk it out, but it didn't work. I don't know if he understood what I told him, but it's okay, I guess. I have to keep on going with my life. The reason why I bet on him that much is because I saw myself in him in a way. We both experienced childhood mistreatment and shared some mental health problems. We both dealt with depression and anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. And when I met him, he always said how much he wanted to change, but didn't know how.

34:12 We've got a little bit left. I think it was very clear to me, at least, that this man had some sort of depression going on. For sure. And felt overwhelmed. 1000%. Unfortunately, I feel a little bit less or a lot of it less empathy when someone is also not taking care of an animal in their church.

34:30 Yes.

34:30 It's one thing to not take care of yourself, which is very concerning. I'm like, oh my God, go to therapy, please. I mean, you should. But then bringing another living being, not only one, but two? He has two. Two dogs. Living things that depend on you. They don't, you have to. They don't know you have mental health problems. They are just dogs and they need to go to the bathroom.

34:50 They are living things that need to be taken care of. It is your responsibility. If you choose to take on this role, you have to do this.

34:57 But regardless of, you know, my thoughts on that, please get therapy, sir. Because you clearly need it. You need help. Yeah.

35:04 And I hope you understand that. It's just the fact of these people saying like, oh, I want to change. I really want to change.

35:10 But no, you don't. I think also often there are people... Sometimes this works, I will say. But sometimes there are people who are very stuck in a rut and are dealing with mental health issues. Oh, yeah. They get a dog or they get an animal because they're like, well, if I have to take care of something... I'll be forced to leave the house every day. I'll be forced to, you know, get up and make food. Sometimes that does work.

35:32 Sometimes now there's just you and another creature that are being neglected. That was my ex. And it's tough.

35:40 Yeah.

35:41 In my experience, I was able to heal a lot, though not completely due to my family's support and unconditional love. But he didn't have any support whatsoever. His family sucks, honestly. So I thought that by being the forever loving and caring type of person, he would feel more secure, and he'd want to take the leap to change his life.

35:57 And even though I saw some little changes, I guess it was not enough for me. I do feel torn, but determined to keep on going with my life. And even though he could not see eye to eye, I don't think he's a bad human being. I guess that my initial post, which I wrote in a moment of anger and resentment, did paint him as the worst human being on earth. So next time I'll try to be more mindful about how I speak about the people I know.

36:18 I think you painted him in a very honest light. Yeah, I think you painted him in a very factual light. And these are just things that he has done?

36:27 Yes.

36:28 You don't have to deal with it anymore. He still will not change. This is his problem. I feel so bad for the dogs. Feel bad for him. Yeah. I agree. I don't think it's your responsibility to drag him out of this. But you do when you are in that problem and you see, when you are in that situation and you see the problem. Of course, you being the loving, caring person you are, want to help that.

36:51 Yeah.

36:51 But in the end, if he doesn't want it. There's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can do if he does not want to help himself. Exactly. You cannot change his mind. And it's exhausting. You've done everything you could and sometimes it's not enough. And that's not your fault. But that's the end of that story. And we've got another one coming right up.

37:06 I hadn't seen my boyfriend in over a month and he's still canceled on our date. Where'd you go? I, 30 female and boyfriend, 31 male have been dating since May. And as the title says, our schedules are very conflicting. We live in the same city, 40 kilometers apart. I have primary custody of my daughter, six, from Monday to Friday.

37:26 He has yet to meet her, so since we started dating, we've only really seen each other at weekends when my daughter is with her dad. At the moment, my daughter's dad lives in another city about an hour away for work reasons, but he is in the process of moving back to our city in the next few weeks as he wants to have more time with her and have her stay over with him during the week as well and take her to school and things, rather than just having her at weekends. In fact, he is looking for a house in our city at the moment, so once this happens, I will have a bit more free time.

37:57 My partner is in a band and they do gigs, some but not all, weekends. I was fully aware of this when I met him and I am a fairly independent person anyway who likes her own space, so not having him around 24-7 and only seeing him once every week or every couple of weeks suits me.

38:13 Fine right now.

38:13 By the way, this comes from EdenBeam058, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime subreddit, as Opie says. However, we've got to a point where I haven't seen him since the first week of August, and it's now mid-September. Ooh. I called him on Friday night to see how he was and whether he had any plans for the weekend. And he suggested we do something together as he didn't have any gigs booked and we hadn't seen each other in such a long time. I was looking forward to it. However, as I was putting my makeup on and getting dressed and ready, I got a message from him saying that he wasn't feeling well and didn't want to see me.

38:48 We've seen each other sick before.

38:50 I know we are both very busy people and my own situation doesn't help things. I'm the first person to admit that. But it hurts that in six weeks, he hasn't been able to find any time for me at all. Even a quick drink on a Friday night or brunch on a Sunday. I'd be happy with that until I have more free time.

39:08 I'm gonna be so for real. I could not do this. I was thinking that. I was like, Sophia could never. Could never do this.

39:16 Not that you need to see your partner 24-7.

39:19 You are a weekly girl. I'm a week. I'm a daily girl.

39:23 Yeah.

39:23 Okay. More more like three three to five days.

39:28 Yes yes it doesn't have to be every day but most days more than 50 percent yeah yeah six weeks never see and we're not.

39:36 Long distance and we've talked about it before and set things in place Okay. See, I could do like a week, two weeks and I'd be like, oh, like, yeah, you know, but that's always, again, this is not including like they go on a vacation. We've talked about long distance, just date, like normal relationship, but not seeing each other. Yeah. For almost two months. Ooh, we're not together anymore.

40:00 I have always made time for him by meeting up after his gigs, talking until the early hours of the morning when he's needed me, things like that. I had bronchitis once and that didn't stop me from seeing him.

40:11 Ooh, that should have. Probably should have stopped you from seeing him.

40:13 I invited him to stay over a couple of weeks ago as he had a gig near my house to save him from driving all the way home late at night, and he turned me down because he had to go and pick up something he bought off the internet the next morning. Ironically, his car broke down that night, literally five kilometers from here, and I never found out if he ever picked up the thing he bought. I basically feel like I am single, that he has completely lost interest, and that I might as well go back to being on my own because I feel so rejected.

40:41 Oh, that is the worst. It is the worst. And it is true.

40:44 Yeah.

40:45 I fear.

40:45 I am angry at myself for allowing myself to feel this way. Am I wasting my time here? And there are some relevant comments.

40:52 Yeah. Let me think about that. Yeah.

40:55 If you believe you need more in a relationship, you are deserving of more.

40:59 I've been in a relationship where I did not spend like any time with the person. And I was like, this sucks.

41:05 Yeah.

41:05 I want more. And then I am now in a relationship where I see them three to five days.

41:10 Yeah.

41:10 And that's what I want. But I think that you want a little bit more than not seeing them in six weeks.

41:15 Yeah.

41:16 This like not seeing them for like a month and you live.

41:19 Like pretty close. Yeah. They live to be clear, like 25 miles apart. That's like, you know, depending where you live.

41:27 20 to an hour in Ohio that would be 30 minutes yeah you know you just go across the town yeah but here it could you know with traffic it could be an hour could be an hour with traffic depending on what time you go yeah but still like that's really not that bad to see someone that you love and cherish and want to spend time with it's not bad enough you know warrant not seeing them within six weeks Relevant comments. Rose Petal Memory says his excuse is pretty lame. You two are only 30 minutes apart yet haven't seen each other in a month and a half.

41:59 He really doesn't seem interested. Yeah. Slivia HDZ says you can talk to him and figure out what's going on. And after talking to him, seeing if it's worth it spending your time with him.

42:09 Oh, and there's an update two weeks later. She's like, I still haven't seen him. Yeah, been two weeks. I don't know where he is. It's like you can have the talk.

42:16 But it kind of already seems like he's done.

42:19 Also, how sucky is it to the only time that you see your partner within after six weeks is to have a talk about how little, you know, it's like, oh, I don't even get it. I don't even get to enjoy the time I want to spend with you because now I have to have a talk about.

42:35 How little time we're spending. And now it's like, am I ever going to get to see you? You know, because now you're six. So, you know, there goes another week. Yeah.

42:43 And now you probably have gigs over the weekend. Your schedules simply do not align.

42:47 Yeah.

42:48 That's okay.

42:48 And that happens. It happens. Update two weeks later.

42:51 I finally saw him last weekend for the first time in about seven weeks.

42:55 He invited me over.

42:56 He seemed happy to see me at first, but things just seemed a little off. Like, we didn't know what to say to each other. I stayed with him on the Saturday night, had a shower Sunday morning, and the first thing I saw was a bottle of camellia-scented body scrub that was definitely not mine, and I can't remember ever seeing it before.

43:14 He lives alone. This was also my fear. And there we go. Cheating on you. Couldn't dip even lower.

43:21 Instant red flag. Stupidly, I didn't confront him about it straight away.

43:26 I wish I had.

43:27 Over the next couple of days, I tried to make conversation with him and he either left me on red or sent really short replies.

43:33 Nope, I'm done. Don't do that to me. I was done three weeks ago. Yeah, I was. Truthfully, I was done three weeks ago. Honestly, within a week, if someone doesn't, if my boyfriend didn't at least message me, like if I hadn't seen him for a week and he we also hadn't talked, I'd be like, whoa, what's going on?

43:48 Something serious is definitely definitely red flag. I don't know, man.

43:52 He's just a high value male playing hard to get. You know, he's in a band, right?

43:57 He's in a band. He's got a lot of people to take care of. He has groupies to tend to. Yeah, where have you been, OP? Why aren't you not at every one of his band nights? And who knows? Maybe that's not even a ladies, you know, shower product. Maybe he just wants to smell nice.

44:13 He just wants to smell real nice and flowery.

44:15 Yeah, OP, you're just not considering that he might just want to smell nice.

44:19 Have you considered this is an extremely high value mail?

44:23 Finally, on Wednesday night, I'd had enough.

44:26 And I'm not proud of how I acted, but I was so hurt by the anxiety and the pain of feeling rejected. I blocked him on Facebook without any warning. The following afternoon, I got a text message. Hey, um, so did you block me?

44:38 Oh, I have your attention now. Hmm. Well, that wasn't that hard, was it? There is a little bit left here. I'm gonna get into it. Please do. I responded, I did. I give up.

44:48 Life's too short to be someone's afterthought. Whether you've just lost interest or whether there's somebody else when you jump in a shower on a Sunday morning and see girl body scrub that isn't yours, you gotta wonder.

44:58 Or both. I really don't care.

45:00 I deserve better and it's not worth feeling like a dirty little secret and feeling like crap when I could be happy by myself. Or go find someone who lifts me up and genuinely wants to be in my life and vice versa. I'm angry at myself for letting this drag out for so long. I should have let go ages ago, but I guess I hope that things would get better.

45:17 More fool me. Haven't heard from him since, so I guess the trash took itself out. He clearly didn't care about me at all. I'm 31 tomorrow. Looks like I'll be spending it free and single.

45:27 Woo!

45:29 A 30, flirty, and thriving.

45:31 And truthfully, girl, that's the best situation you could be in right now.

45:37 Best birthday present you could have got. Free from this man. Don't even have to worry about it. He's just going to, he's got another gig he has to get to anyway. He's got another gig. Yeah, he's got another gig. Can we think about his gig? More body wash to put on. He's got to scrub himself down. He's got to scrub dirty self down.

45:54 There's a very infamous like reverse bell curve of how cool it is to be in a band. And it's like when you're a teenager, when you're in your 20s, when you're in your late 20s, when you're in your mid 30s.

46:09 And then it circles back around when you're like 60.

46:11 60. Super cool. Cool. It's true. Yeah, it's true. That's what I tell my boyfriend. It's not cool.

46:18 No, your boyfriend's in the perfect age range.

46:19 Oh, that's true. Yeah, he's at the right age.

46:22 And there's also like the success to like time you've been doing it ratio that being in a band at 31.

46:30 I honestly think it's cool if you're, I mean, I love a band. Yeah, and don't get me wrong.

46:34 Hold on.

46:35 Let me, let me.

46:35 It's because he's prioritizing the gigs over seeing his girlfriend for seven weeks that makes him a loser, not just because he's in a band.

46:42 That's what I was going to reiterate. So we're on the same page. But that is the end of that story. Hey, it's Keon, your favorite Filipino here.

46:51 We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

46:55 My girlfriend mocked me for crying over an audiobook, so I walked out. I would too. Like the title said, I, 41 male, want to break up with my partner of two years, 39 female, after she mocked me for crying during an audiobook. I've never been a very outwardly emotional person. Blame it on my childhood or 22 years in the military.

47:15 Oof.

47:16 Recently retired or whatever, but I've always leaned more towards stoicism than anything else. However, there are times that external media such as books, audiobooks, movies, music, etc. elicit emotional responses from me. To get to the meat of this, I was in my garage fixing my bicycle and listening to the audiobook of A Memory of Light. Wheel of- Time, book 14, by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson. Excellent books.

47:44 Oh.

47:45 I haven't read them, but I love Brandon Sanderson.

47:46 It's my buddy's favorite book series.

47:48 I just know that they're great, and I've read Brandon Sanderson, so I was going to say excellent. Wait, what is this called? Maybe I'll listen to it. Wheel of Time. I will say, again... It's high fantasy. 14 many books. It's a lot. Like 14 books.

48:02 And Brandon Sanderson's the guy, he's in charge if George R. R. Martin croaks before he finishes Game of Thrones, Brandon Sanderson's in charge of finishing it.

48:10 If you want also good series from Brandon Sanderson, Mistborn. Mistborn. Oh, Mistborn. Great series. And I came to a character passing that kind of floored me, and I began to cry. She had poked her head in to ask me something, and I guess this was the first time my girlfriend had seen this side of me. And rather than ask me what was going on, she immediately started mocking me, saying, Look at this, the big bad marine blubbering like a witch with a skinned knee. Exact quote.

48:37 Oh.

48:37 She didn't say witch, she said the B word, to be clear. Aw, what?

48:41 Wow.

48:42 No.

48:42 Was she also in the military? Yeah, she was like, shape up, sailor. Get out of there. Stop crying.

48:49 If that was the first time I had seen my... And you don't know why. And I don't know why. Like, I just popped in and they're just like, I'm like, oh my God, what happened?

48:57 Are you okay?

48:58 Yeah.

48:58 Like, did you hurt something? Like something happened? Family? All right. Like what's going on? This is, this is how this would play out for me really quick. I walk in. Oh my God. Are you okay? What happened? He goes, my favorite character died in the audio book. And I go, oh my God, I thought something terrible happened. You're ridiculous.

49:15 What happened? Tell me about this book. That's how that would play out. See, I would be like, oh, what happened? You'd be like, oh, my favorite character died. I'd be like, no, wait, what?

49:23 Who?

49:24 Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'd be like, wait, what happened? Was it like horrible? Tell me all about it. Yeah, I would also ask, tell me what happened. Except in this case, I wouldn't because you would be spoiling it for me. I don't know what came over me, but I yelled, F off! Dropped my tools, grabbed my phone, jumped in my pickup, and drove down to the river so I could cool off. After about an hour, I drove back home.

49:43 By the way, this comes from ToughCookie1984, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okstorytime subreddit and op says, She was waiting for me when I came in and said, What was that about? You can't take a little teasing? I didn't say anything, just stared at her. And to fill the silence, she said, I don't know if I can ever look at you the same way again. You're an ugly crier. Aww. I feel like I.

50:07 I know I've, like, said in the past, a guy was crying. I have to, like, turn away because I'll laugh.

50:14 What? But.

50:16 in this bowl because it depends on the situation everyone took that out of context i i'm like.

50:23 Yes and now i'm gonna repeat it because i'm gonna defend my side okay.

50:26 Okay what context could we possibly be missing.

50:29 Because if he if he's like oh i just like you know my uh like i died in my video game or something i'd be like okay well if it's.

50:37 A video game that's the context that was the.

50:39 Context that you were talking about yes i would say that was the car i'd be like i would say that was the I would say that was the context I was talking about.

50:47 Honestly, at the end of the day, if this feels like your partner doesn't understand this side of you at all because it's never been seen. So she's razzing you. She's messing with you. And she's not taking this seriously. I don't think she really thinks you're an ugly crier. I think she's just keeping up the same vibe of just messing with you about it. And she has no clue how you actually feel. Instead of just giving her a silent stare, you should explain how you actually feel.

51:14 I think that is super fair. I think OP does need to communicate that. And it seems like that kind of goes in with his stoicism. Like, I don't talk about my feelings. However, what she word for word said, I think is like diabolical to me to be like, you are a witch. And also you're an ugly crier. I'll never look at you the same way.

51:32 See, I wouldn't... yeah see I I would never make fun of someone to joke about even that is yes to joke about that I I truly believe that is wrong.

51:42 Also she still doesn't know why he was crying exactly.

51:44 She never even asked she never you know whatever she's just like oh I wouldn't even want to tell her she would make fun of him yeah exactly I'd be like okay well now I don't trust you at all with any of my my feelings instead of entertaining the argument that was about to happen I walked past her went to her bedroom and started packing some clothes and toiletries into my gym bag oh wow Nah, dude, no.

52:04 I'm currently staying at my sister's place and I texted her saying that I need some time and we can talk when I'm ready. I'm wondering if I overreacted by going from zero to get the F out without giving her a chance to talk this through. I just felt so exposed and disrespected in that moment and I don't know if what I did was right or if I should try and salvage this. We've had a pretty good relationship up until now. I mean, we've had arguments and disagreements, but we've worked through that stuff. So am I overreacting?

52:32 We do have an update, but what do you guys think?

52:36 I mean, I would say no and yes.

52:39 Yes. I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. Yeah.

52:42 Like, you just don't have the skills at all to properly explain to your partner what you're actually thinking because you never are vulnerable and open.

52:51 Yeah, it goes back to the stoicism, as you're saying.

52:53 Yeah.

52:53 Yeah.

52:54 I think that when all of this happened, you just weren't expecting to get made fun of.

52:59 Gee, he was also alone. Yes, he was also alone.

53:02 He didn't realize like nobody knew that this was going to like blow up or whatever. But then coming back and just like not even talking about it and just like, you know, just packing up your.

53:11 Things and leaving.

53:12 That was the way that you felt like you were like, I'm not I can't talk about it. Like, I don't even want to talk about it. about it right now, you're allowed to give yourself distance. If you think that you're still heated and it's going to turn into like a bigger thing, give yourself room.

53:25 But communicate that. Well, he did.

53:27 He said he sent a text was like, hey, I just, you know, need a couple of days to myself to think about some stuff, whatever.

53:32 I'll talk when I'm ready.

53:33 I think he handled it semi-okay. He still communicated while he left, saying, I just need some time. It's not like he completely ignored her and just left and said nothing.

53:43 I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle for me. I think OP definitely needs to work on, in general, his ability to communicate his feelings and emotions, which he's already said he's never really done before.

53:53 Yeah, I mean, I feel like the leaving itself was probably like a trauma response, you know?

53:58 However... obviously what she said is unacceptable. Obviously what she said was just way too far. I like, if I were OP, I would not want to tell her my feelings because I would feel that she would make fun of them. Regardless of whether or not you improve yourself in this relationship or the next, that is something you could focus on. And she needs to focus on being nicer.

54:17 Yeah.

54:18 Last little piece of analysis out of me. I feel like the relationship dynamic probably involves a lot of that kind of talk. Like a lot of sort of, you know, sort of like cheeky bullying and like it's probably always accepted but she hit the one spot of his like actual emotions of him like be crying or something that he just is not okay with that actually being like something to be made fun of for but he can't explain that because he probably never has and doesn't it doesn't have the words that's a very um very good so just tell her like you can make fun of me for whatever just don't make fun of me for having emotions.

54:53 But we got an update, so let's see if they talked. We just sat down at Denny's and had breakfast together to try and talk this out. While she did apologize for laughing at me, we ultimately decided to split. I spent a good portion of last night reading through everyone's responses, writing down some questions I wanted to ask her, and was able to make it through without a lot of pushback or defensiveness on her part. Her reasoning for her reaction to seeing me in such a vulnerable state was initially shock, because as surmised in my original text, she had never seen me that way before, and her doubling down by calling me an ugly crier was her way of trying to make light of it. I told her that I need to be with someone who will allow

55:31 me to be vulnerable without making fun of me for it. I expounded by telling her a little bit about my childhood and the neighborhood I grew up in. and that where I came from, any sign of weakness was meant with derision, mockery, and scorn. I also told her about my time as a Marine and how in the Corps, there may be a pervasive culture of toxicity, but if you actually do break down and start crying, most of your brothers will comfort you. As far as the logistics of the breakup, I'm giving her until the start of September to get her affairs in order and find a new place to live since the house is mine and my sister has graciously told me I can stay with her until then. She said she likes having me there.

56:08 Because it helps her out with my nephews and nieces by having me around with her husband currently deployed. He's Air Force. No one's perfect, but he's a good man. Chair Force. Chair Force.

56:18 The inter-agency beef.

56:21 Like they always say, like, the Air Force is the Chair Force because they just sit there. That's funny. That's why he's like, no one's perfect. That's funny. That is funny. How did I know that?

56:31 I don't know.

56:32 I don't really have any family. Do you have family?

56:35 No.

56:35 Oh, wow.

56:36 My grandpa was like way back when. How did you learn the chair force then? Um, Cindy dated a guy who was in the Air Force.

56:42 Okay. And we would call him chair force. But we've got a second update. Five weeks later, I spent three weeks staying with my little sister. She's 40, so maybe not so little. And she's two inches taller than me.

56:52 Oh.

56:52 But I'm still her big brother by 10 months. Irish twins, even though we're black.

56:56 Wow.

56:57 Irish twins is just... A term. Anyone can be Irish twins. I think Opie's just joking. Oh, because Irish people usually aren't black. Well, you know what? Irish twins are, right? Yeah, when you're born. Me and Cindy were almost Irish twins.

57:08 To be clear, I don't think the joke is that Irish people aren't black. I think the joke is that it's irrelevant information to have an Irish birthday with someone.

57:16 The color of their skin. No, I think the joke is that we're not Irish. Irish twins are just born on the same day.

57:20 Not that you can't be black and Irish. Yeah, I think the joke is that they're not Irish. Yeah, I think that's the joke. Even though we're black. It really doesn't matter what the joke is. We'll have to ask this guy.

57:28 Oh, yeah.

57:28 Hey, what was the joke? There, you can be both black and Irish. This guy's making me question it. Well, she finally got the last of her crap out of my house, and I've moved back in. I don't know if I should come out and say this, but I've been trying to connect with my emotions. Good job. I've cried more in the last six weeks than I've done in the last 20 years. Woo! Honestly, what a release.

57:47 Freaking hoo-ah, dude. But after 22 years as a Marine, 03, 11, 03, crying actually feels amazing. I've honestly just been dopamine mining at this point. That's what men need to realize. Crying feels so good.

58:01 It's not even the fact of like, you know, I understand that like when I'm like.

58:05 When people come at me, they're like, why aren't you going to laugh or whatever? And it's like, Okay.

58:09 But if it's at like a video game or you lost it, like a board game, you're going to like, yes. And you're going to like have like a, like a baby's reaction. Like a tantrum is what I'm talking about. Tantrum reactions, guys. She was talking about tantrums.

58:23 Tantrum reactions. Not like she appreciates when men cry.

58:26 Yes.

58:27 I do like, I do appreciate a man in touch with his feelings.

58:31 I do love that. Like absolutely would choose that over anything. I'm definitely not looking to get into any relationships right now. I'm just trying to accept that I have trauma and that I'm finally at a moment in my life where I can embrace my emotions without having to apologize for them.

58:46 Yes. Snaps. Yes. I love that.

58:50 See, we love a man who can like be in touch with his feelings, especially what he's 41 and he's just realizing this.

58:57 Just now discovering all of that buildup. That's crazy. That is so amazing. Yeah, Opie's got 40 years of crying to catch up on. For real. I'm not a complete blubbering mess, but I've been meditating. Look at you.

59:09 Look at you!

59:09 Can we love a meditating man? Stop! Wait, you're kind of my dream man. I've been considering and have been focusing on intention. As far as the breakup goes, she hasn't reached out at all. After the showdown at Denny's, she completely disengaged and started looking for a new place to live. Thank you all for your kind words and DMs.

59:26 This Marine is grateful. Oh, LP, props to you. Like, just huge props to you for realizing, even though she was, I think, the a-hole in that moment.

59:38 Yeah.

59:38 Realizing that you still had work to do. Yes. And then even after the relationship ended, being like, well, I'm not going to stop working on myself. Yes, absolutely.

59:47 And I feel like a lot of times, especially men, will internalize their feelings and bring out more anger.

59:53 Yeah. And just be like, yeah, screw them, hate them, blah, blah, and still not work on themselves. I agree. Like, I don't know, a couple of months ago I was talking to, I was hanging out with like seven guys that we spot, actually, with Sam. And we were having a conversation about how often they had cried. And one of them was like, yeah, like, dude, I cried like, like six, like once this past six months.

1:00:15 no joke all the guys were like dude great job like wow you're so in touch with your mom I was like what I cried six times in a month in in a day no I cried 16 times this month yeah um I feel like I'm But, you know, props to all the men out there who are realizing that it is okay to cry and working on that.

1:00:38 I will end with this. End with it. I hated crying.

1:00:42 I was not, I was very much like, I don't like crying. I don't like when people see me cry.

1:00:46 I'm not a crier. I very much like would drown that part out of me.

1:00:51 And now like going to therapy, realizing that like, actually it's more like, cause then when I would cry, it would just be burst of emotion. It's everything at once. You know, and I'd be like, whoa, what is happening? I didn't even know what to feel. But when you like actually get to feel what you want to feel instead of shutting it down, shutting it down, you feel.

1:01:09 So much release. You feel this is healthy. This is not just like a burst of emotion that I don't even know what to do. What's a bit like earthquakes? Because, you know, L.A. has a bunch of little earthquakes and you're like, OK, it's release of tension, release of tension so that you don't have nothing. And then giant the big one, you know, exactly. And then you don't freak out on your partner. It's like it's good to release those small amounts of emotions.

1:01:31 Yes.

1:01:31 When you feel it. And there's no manageable. There's no right or wrong time to do it. No, you know, it's just what you feel. Cry. Do it. Cry. Show us in the comments you crying. Show us a picture of you crying in the comments. I want to see that. I'm sure one of you is crying right now. I'm sure.

1:01:45 Cry!

1:01:49 Do it! Do it! I can't. But that's the end of the story. And we've got comments.

1:01:56 These comments are from my ex dumped me for an arranged marriage. Now she wants me back, which was posted August 20th, 2026. This is the TLDR for story one. OP was heartbroken four years ago when his girlfriend of four years, Jayma, left him to go through with an arranged marriage her family had set up. He'd only ever been introduced as her friend, never her boyfriend. And after a huge wedding in Pakistan, she vanished from his life completely.

1:02:23 He moved to London, tried to move on, but never fully healed. Then, out of nowhere, Jayma's brother started reaching out to reconnect, followed by a contrite handwritten letter from her father asking for a chance to apologize and make things right.

1:02:36 I remember that story. I also remember that. That was a tough one.

1:02:40 If you're curious to know the full story, you can go and watch the video. Comment number one by Bob Smash says, And this, kids, is why we do not support arranged marriages that do not include willful knowledge and participation from all involved. We do not support agency being taken away from anyone. Yes. Comment number three, JohnX3B4C says, Wow, never imagined a scenario where I would forgive someone for leaving me for another man.

1:03:08 But this scenario... Maybe it. Yeah, it's a very specific scenario.

1:03:13 Comment number four by Graviton Smith says, I think the worst part is that the parents are making amends not for anything that has to do with the daughter. They just want to have access to the grandkids from their firstborn son. They care so little about her. Truly second class in the family.

1:03:30 Yeah, I could see that. It did feel like they were very contrite, but I also see that point, so.

1:03:36 But that is the end of the comments and the end of this episode. So if you love us, make sure to subscribe. We love you and see you tomorrow.