My husband wanted to name our daughter AFTER his best friend… but I wouldn’t allow it! -r/BORUpdates | Reddit Stories | EP3131

0:00 Hey, this is Carly.

0:01 And this is Kion, your favorite OK Storytime host, and we've got some great stories coming up.

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0:10 My husband wanted to name our daughter after his best friend, but I wouldn't allow it.

0:15 Eh, eh, eh, name it after me.

0:18 A age 29 female gave birth to our daughter three days ago, and somehow we're still arguing about her name. After?

0:25 Yeah, I thought that was supposed to be figured out.

0:27 Okay. You're doing it in the wrong order. Yeah, she's birthed and she's like, she looks like a Meg. Yeah, you know?

0:34 That's Tiffany in my books.

0:36 Yeah.

0:37 I'm writing this while she's asleep because I can't sleep anyway. And I honestly don't even know if I'm overreacting anymore. My husband, 31 male, has wanted to name her Claire for basically my entire pregnancy. He told me it was the name of one of his closest friends who passed away a few years before we met. I said no almost immediately. Not because I dislike the name, I actually think it's pretty, but because I wasn't comfortable naming our first child after somebody I'd never met or even heard of until I got pregnant. I figured he'd be disappointed.

1:09 We'd throw around a bunch of other names, and eventually we'd find one that we both liked. That never happened. Every few weeks, he'd bring up Claire again, sometimes while we were already talking about names, and sometimes completely out of nowhere. By the end of my pregnancy, I was honestly tired of having the same conversation over and over.

1:29 By the way, this comes from user throwaway7693200. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime subreddit. I'm Keon.

1:38 I'm Savannah.

1:39 I'm Sophia.

1:40 And we're here to give good advice goofily. We do not know everything. We only know what we'd do, so let us know what you'd do in the comments. As Opie says, the thing that's bothering me now isn't even the name. We've been together for over five years, married for two, And somehow, I have never heard of this woman's name until I was pregnant. I've met his parents, his brothers, his college friends, people he's known forever, and nobody has ever mentioned a Claire. That's very obscure. I even asked one of his college friends at our baby shower because I thought maybe I'd somehow forgotten hearing about Claire.

2:16 And he just looked confused and said he didn't know who I was talking about. Then, after our daughter was born... While we were filing out the paperwork, my husband asked one last time if I'd reconsider. I said no. And that's when he told me he'd always imagined naming his daughter after Claire. I asked why he'd never told me that before. And he just shrugged, said he didn't think it mattered.

2:41 What?

2:41 This is crazy.

2:43 I like Suffer King. I declare there will be no Claire.

2:46 No Claire here.

2:47 Oh, I do declare. Compromise.

2:50 Middle name.

2:50 Okay.

2:51 Oh. My mom thinks I should let him have the name because it's obviously meant something to him for a long time. My sister thinks... That's exactly why I shouldn't do that. Maybe I'm just exhausted because I've barely slept since I gave birth, but I'm so tired of feeling like I'm missing part of the story. It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about calling his mom and asking who Claire was because I don't know what else to do. It feels completely out of line, but so does finding out about somebody this important or While I'm filling out our daughter's birth certificate. So what's on the birth certificate then? Is it placeholder?

3:40 No name.

3:40 Is it quotes?

3:41 Blankety blankety blank.

3:44 Would I be overreacting if I called his mother?

3:47 I don't think it's overreacting. I think you just want to know and he's not telling you.

3:50 His argument is really stupid. And he's like, why does it matter to you? It's not that big of a deal when it's like such a big deal to him.

3:56 Yeah, it is a little weird.

3:58 I don't understand why. Well, not why he like he's like all or nothing.

4:03 Like there's no compromise at all.

4:05 Yeah.

4:06 Also, the fact that like he's fighting with his wife who has just given birth kind of piss.

4:12 Yeah. Did you forget that I carried this baby?

4:14 Yeah.

4:15 Do you do you care that I just went through like a whole hormonal flush? I'm still kind of dealing with it. It's been three days.

4:23 Yeah. Yeah, this is very weird. Let's find out maybe the reason why he wants the name Claire? Update two days later. I wasn't expecting to update this two days later, but a lot happened really fast. First, thanks to everyone who commented. A bunch of you told me to talk to my mother-in-law because she'd probably know the answer. I went back and forth on it for a while because it felt weird to go around my husband like that.

4:49 But eventually, I did call her. She asked if I wanted to meet for coffee the next morning, so I did. I honestly thought I was going to leave feeling embarrassed. I figured she'd tell me Claire really was just a close friend and I'd realize I'd let myself get carried away because I'm just exhausted and emotional and I just had a baby. The first thing she had asked me was what my husband had already told me about Claire.

5:11 I said that she'd been his best friend and he wanted to name our daughter after her. She just kind of looked at me for a second. Then she told me, They'd been engaged.

5:20 Oh, my God. Bye.

5:22 No, he's done. Don't ever.

5:25 What is wrong with you? Giving this whole tragic backstory to just be like, oh, I really want to be reminded of my once past lover. Now is my daughter's name. Naming it after my past lover. Do you realize how crazy that sounds?

5:40 Yeah, this is insane. The more we talked, the more names came up. His parents knew. His brother knew. And one of his old roommates knew because they'd lived together at the time. Funny enough, it was the same friend who I'd asked at our baby shower. No one had told me anything. Apparently, most people just knew he'd been dating someone who got sick. His mom told me Claire was diagnosed with an aggressive form of terminal illness not long after they started dating.

6:08 Oh, oh, oh.

6:11 So that that was not clear.

6:14 That was not Claire.

6:16 That was not Claire at all. I, whoa. Okay, so he technically was not lying and he wants to honor, I just. Nah, no.

6:25 No.

6:26 No, no, no.

6:27 Especially how he's been so hung up on it and not respecting your boundaries.

6:31 Yeah, that has nothing to do with, you know, OP.

6:35 Sorry, but this, I would.

6:37 Like a name that we come up with, not in remembrance of fiance who passed from an illness.

6:44 Yeah, time to get some clarity. Opie continues saying things moved fast after that because they knew they probably didn't have years together. So he proposed and she passed away not long after. She also told me she'd assumed I'd known about all of this for years. When we got engaged, she thought he'd already told me. Same thing when we got married. Same thing when I got pregnant. I call BS, but maybe I'm just looking to point fingers. I drove home after that and just waited for him to get back from work because there wasn't any chance I was going to act like everything was normal. I confronted him that night and it went awful. Truly, he acted like an entirely different person. At first, he wanted to know

7:30 why I'd gone to his mom. Then it became that I had no right to dig into his past. Then it became that Claire had nothing to do with our marriage.

7:38 Apparently it does because you're not over her, which like is completely fine. But like, don't don't project that onto me.

7:45 Also crazy to be saying Claire had nothing to do with our marriage. You're trying to name our daughter Claire. That in honor of her. That has to do with our marriage, I believe. And the rest of our lives. Then it was that I'd betrayed his trust by involving his family. It just kept changing. I'd answer one thing and we'd somehow end up on arguing about something else.

8:07 I asked him when he'd plan on telling me he'd been engaged because we'd already been together for over five years, married for two, and now we had a daughter. Get this, guys. He said he always meant to tell me, but he didn't. He never effing told me, and I'm so angry at how selfish it was. I packed a bag that night and went to my sister's house with the baby, because we don't have a name yet. Before people assume we're getting divorced, that's not why I left. I still love this man, and we have a child together. I couldn't imagine raising her split in two households. I left because we were both angry, and I could tell the argument wasn't going anywhere. My sister's been helping me with the baby. Yesterday,

8:47 she realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and practically shoved a sandwich into my hands because I'd completely forgotten. This whole thing has been exhausting, and I haven't slept at all. I should do that with you, Savannah.

8:58 What?

8:59 Stuff a sandwich into my hands?

9:01 Yeah, sometimes you forget to eat.

9:02 It's true. It's true, you do. So I would love that.

9:05 Yeah. If someone just put a sandwich in my hand, I'd be like, score!

9:08 Yeah.

9:09 Obi continues saying a few people asked about the birth certificate. The hospital told us we had time to finish the paperwork after we left, so we weren't forced to pick a name before going home. We obviously aren't going to leave it forever, but right now, neither of us are in any position to make that decision. My sister started calling her Ellie because she said she felt weird saying the baby all the time. And somewhere over the last day, I've started doing it too. All right, last of us players.

9:36 I don't know if that's going to end up being her name, but it's the working filler while the crap storm is ongoing. My husband has been calling and texting since I left. He wants to see our daughter. And we've made that happen because none of this has anything to do with her. Whatever's going on between us, she's still his daughter and he does love her. I don't want people getting the idea that I'm trying to keep her away from him because I'm not. I've seen a lot Yeah.

9:50 Yeah.

10:11 I like Ellie. I think Ellie's cute. I know a few kids named Ellie.

10:15 Do you think... I mean, this is just a question, just throwing it out there. Do we think giving her the middle name Claire is reasonable, unreasonable? Do you think it's going to be like, no, let's just scrap Claire altogether?

10:27 I would scrap Claire.

10:28 I don't think.

10:29 No. Because that's all I'm going to... I'm going to... Every time I hear it, I'm going to think of the lies and the whole story behind it.

10:36 And the stress and the arguing and like, yeah, understandable.

10:40 And also, I like how Opie was like, you know, I'm not denying him to see her because this has nothing to do with her.

10:47 The whole reason is because she was born and you can't.

10:50 Find a name.

10:51 It's not that big of a deal. You're making it a really big deal right now. Just name her Claire. You don't have a choice.

10:56 Yeah, like, yeah. Also, I think couples therapy would help.

10:59 Yeah. Because it's not a.

11:02 it's not really going well when it, it was based off of lies, you know, and not even lies. I mean, I guess maybe he did tell like a lie or two, but like, it was more just like hidden information, not saying what actually happened or not mentioning it ever. Yeah. It's like, yeah, you don't have to, but when it comes time to really dive into it, you can't just be like, go in and nope, never happened. Yeah.

11:30 This is, Again, our child.

11:32 Yeah.

11:33 We should have an agreement between us, not one or the other.

11:37 Yeah. It's not.

11:39 And then that just makes me, I mean, it would make me spiral to be like, oh, my God, what else is he hiding? You know, na, na, na, na, na.

11:44 Also, it pissed me off that nobody else, everyone just assumed I knew this. The one friend lied to me.

11:50 Yeah.

11:51 Hate that.

11:52 Yeah.

11:53 Hate that.

11:54 All right.

11:54 Well, let's finish up the story and find out if the baby actually has a name. Opie continued saying, Agreed. But then again. Can you even call it lying?

12:13 That's what I'm saying. I was like, it's not really a lie because he didn't even say who this girl was or what. He was just like, there's no reason.

12:21 I just like.

12:22 Well, he was like, it's from a friend that passed away.

12:23 Yeah, it's from a friend that passed away. Yeah, it's like.

12:25 It was like from a certain point of view. Yeah, he is. He did tell the truth.

12:30 Yeah, but that was a white lie. That was not just a friend.

12:33 It wasn't the full lie. It was like very half lie. It's not like I ever asked him, oh, were you married before? Because who the heck asked that?

12:41 Yeah.

12:41 It's like one of the first questions you ask on your first date with somebody. Like, what's your favorite color? What hobbies do you like? Have you been married before?

12:49 Do you want to get married? And how many wives do you want?

12:54 Instead... I found out because he wanted our daughter to have her name. And then I found out from his mother that she'd been his fiance. That's the part I can't look past. I look back on my other post and it feels like it was written by someone else. Two days ago, I thought we were arguing about a name. God, I was so naive. I suppose question has turned into, would I be overreacting to leave him over this? I'm certainly mad, but I don't think we're to that point yet.

13:21 I don't want that for my baby either. We don't even have a full name for the baby yet.

13:27 Yeah. I just, I feel like it should be between, you know, it should be up to the people involved to name the baby, but you got to agree, you know, and also it's just, This has been blown so.

13:40 Out of proportion.

13:41 I would also be like, what else have you lied to me about? The fact that we've been together for seven years or five, multiple years, more than four at least, and you couldn't bring this up to me, tell me the truth or any of this, and then you tried to gaslight me at the end there?

13:57 It could have just easily been, hey... I wanted to name Claire after this, blah, blah, blah, blah. And obviously OP would have been like, no. And then that would have been the end of it.

14:06 But he kept circling back. Yeah.

14:08 He was like very persistent and was like, no, no, no. We have to.

14:11 I don't know.

14:12 Why don't you tell me the truth? That's what you have to do.

14:15 Zero respect for you. That's unbelievable. I'm sorry. Do we think do we think OP is crazy to leave him? Would would she be overreacting to leave him?

14:25 I think they should try couples therapy first. I don't think they need to throw away. They don't need to like start. She doesn't need to start her first child's life off as.

14:34 A single mom.

14:35 You know, it's just, it's a lot.

14:37 Yeah.

14:37 And you don't want to just like throw all of that away.

14:40 I hope it works out because the baby needs a family.

14:44 Yeah.

14:44 And a name.

14:45 And a name.

14:46 The baby needs a name.

14:47 We're calling it the baby. And that's the end of this story. We're going to go on to the next one.

14:52 My wife gave me an ultimatum. Cut off my family or lose her.

14:57 Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort.

15:00 This is about my wife, we're both 27, of 10 years. And we have had our ups and downs, but overall she has been my rock by my side the entire time.

15:10 Dang, y'all got married at 17?

15:12 We have been together since high school, and she even got pregnant while in our senior year. There's why they got married. We got married shortly after and have been together ever since. She had a very traumatic childhood growing up and over her adult years, she started confronting and working past those things. She's a genuine person who will go above and beyond for others. Fairly recently, she's starting to realize her own worth in cutting out the people she doesn't feel have given her the respect to reciprocate and have made her feel less than. My childhood was the opposite. There were no traumatic things that happened to me.

15:46 My mom and dad weren't together, but it's been my dad and stepmom and mom for as long as I can remember. So it was the norm for me. I had always thought our relationship was normal, but in adulthood, things changed. By the way, this comes from Important Process 637, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit.

16:06 I'm Savannah.

16:07 I'm Keon.

16:08 I'm Sophia. And we're here to talk about some stuff, get some advice, but we don't have all your answers. We're literally only going to tell you what we would do, but you should let us know what you'd do in the comments. As OP says, I would describe it as neglect or extreme apathy. All around from both sides. When we got pregnant, it felt like my dad thought I was grown and all, but he didn't care what I did anymore and stopped treating me like his son and more like another guy. There have been things that they have done over the years that have made us not want to interact. And on my mom's side, there's probably only a handful of times that we go over and there aren't any issues. My wife and I had always

16:48 been on the same page as far as minimal contact until now. Well, recently, my mom's side of the family's grandma got sick. And since then, they wanted to say, let the past be the past and move forward, which my wife and I do feel is dismissive to the things that have happened before. We went there and actually had a decent time for the most part, besides one instance where my mom put my wife on the spot in front of some friends. But we still left hopeful that things could get better. On my dad's side, we had a recent gathering that ended up in us trauma dumping everything we had been feeling over the past 10 years.

17:25 That sounds fun. I don't want to be there for that, but that sounds fun.

17:29 It was a very emotional time where I feel like I had a real conversation with my father for the first time. They acknowledged things for the first time. Some things haven't changed in terms of them checking in on us or seeing how we're doing or taking active involvement in our lives. or their grandkids' lives. Biggest issue, I feel, is me. I have a non-confrontational personality, and it's what has fueled most of these events to occur, because I had not spoken up about them. After the last talk with my dad's side, I feel like I do have a voice and feel confident enough to say things that bother me. Though I still want to do it on my terms as they arise, I'd like to foster a better relationship for the future. My wife, on the other hand,

18:12 does not feel that way and feels... Like I am actively betraying her. She doesn't want to cultivate something in the future because she feels like it's dismissing everything that has happened previously. I don't feel that way, but I understand how she feels. She feels like I am not with her 100% on this, then that means I am against her and the healing journey that she's been on.

18:33 She said cut off my family or she is going to leave permanently.

18:36 What an insane ultimatum.

18:38 Yeah.

18:38 That is now. But you're trying to mend things. You're trying to find a middle ground. You're like, I'm just finding my voice. Hey, Opie, you just found your new voice. I think you need to use it with your wife.

18:50 Oh, I would like to move forward and mend relationships with my family. But my wife doesn't and would rather leave if I choose to do so. Any advice would be appreciated. I understand that she's on her journey. Well, I, but the thing is you, your journey involves reconciling with your parents. So she can't be like, well, no, you can't do that. Then that's denying you of your, um, uh, your growth healing process.

19:20 Yeah.

19:21 Yeah. Of your growth, your healing process.

19:22 Yeah.

19:22 Like all of that. And, you know, that's like saying to her, like, oh, well, I don't like how you are now. So you have to go back to the, you know, how you were. Cause I don't like you growing as a person without me. It's like you're both growing. I don't know if you're growing in different directions right now, but something's not adding up.

19:40 I will say it's really hard because you guys were kids. You guys were 17 and you guys grew up real fast in life came at you guys real fast yeah and you are trying to mend those years that you had relationship with that relationship with your family she may be inclined to just like i'm done with them because that's her personality now she's like i don't owe anyone anything they don't owe me anything done like i don't need anything just wipe my hands clean two different perspectives.

20:08 I will say I, I'm very different than who I was when I was 17. I'm pretty sure everyone in the chat, everyone in the world can agree that, you know, I'm what, I'm 11 years older now.

20:23 That's crazy.

20:23 I'm 13 years older now. I'm still the same guy, to be honest.

20:27 See, I, I like grew up. I always, I mean, not always, but I, but I'm very different from when I was in high school. Not that I was completely different, but like.

20:37 People change.

20:38 Yeah.

20:38 People change. And your family could change for the better or for the worse. But yeah, I don't see why not give it a shot. And this is for you. It doesn't have to be for her, but at least for you.

20:50 Yeah.

20:50 She can't give you that ultimatum. That's insane.

20:52 She's not even giving you a chance to find that healing within you because she's like, nope, it's going to throw me off my journey. Let me reconcile for my sake. You don't have to be a part of it if you don't want, you know, that's your boundary. That's your boundary.

21:09 She should be there to support you or at least be there for you and help you.

21:14 There's an update.

21:15 Hello, everyone. Just to let you know, I have been reading every single painful comment and the majority echo exactly what my wife's been saying and feeling.

21:24 Dang. Dang.

21:54 I have had many discussions with my wife, and a lot of them I started with how I was feeling about something. Not every time has been just because of my wife. Even more reason to cut them out.

22:05 I get it.

22:06 Not justifying anything or trying to make yourself sound better. I'm just making it clear that the decision I am making isn't just because I have been given this choice, but because it's my own realization of something I should have done long ago, not only for my wife, but for myself and our unit. This was just the catalyst for my own realization and could have come up at any time due to the past experiences. But it just happened to be today.

22:32 Okay, I need to know. He's just giving us buildup. What is his decision?

22:37 Yeah, let's get right to it.

22:39 Because it seems like his wife was very cutthroat of like, choose me or them.

22:43 Yeah, and he's like, I'm not sure.

22:46 The reason I made this post was not because I felt blindsided or that she was in the wrong for feeling how she does. but because it was something I myself had to come to terms with. It was a long time coming and I am fortunate that she has stuck with me all this time. I just needed to mourn that parental relationship that will most likely never be.

23:06 I have scheduled a therapy appointment and made the active decision to distance my family. I also wanted to say that I mention our childhoods not to blame my wife's childhood or anything, but to just give context to the different mindsets and the personalities that we do have. I've apologized to my wife for my passiveness all this time and for now not being decisive on my feelings from the jump on what she said alone.

23:30 Dang, so he cut off his family.

23:32 So, yeah.

23:33 I mean, I get it. If they were like horrible, you know, whatever types of people, I understand. But if you wanted to reconcile with them, that's on you.

23:44 And she shouldn't.

23:45 I mean, but I also get like if he doesn't see it. Like if he's just in a constant pattern of just like, oh, I grew up with this. This is just how they are. Like just telling himself like this is normal. This is family, whatever, blah, blah. But, you know, and she's just like, no, it's not. OP, if you're not going to therapy, I would definitely suggest that.

24:08 I don't think she has a right to do that. But if it is hurting you guys in your relationship and both of you, you.

24:16 Know, I mean, that was your family, but now this is... That was your family growing up. This is your new family now. This has been your new family for the last 10 years. I mean, who knows what's going to happen in the future? I feel like if you tell them why, like, hey, you know what? We're deciding to distance ourselves from you. But you just found this new part of your life, your new chapter. You're like, oh, I do have a voice. Oh, they do kind of respect me. But, I mean, what's to say that they go back to the old ways? Or what's to say that they... Respect you now. Who knows?

24:47 Yeah.

24:48 Get some therapy for sure. But I don't know. We're not professionals, unfortunately, on that part.

24:54 Yeah.

24:56 I have very mixed feelings about this.

24:58 I do too.

24:58 I'm kind of on both sides.

25:00 I am too.

25:00 Because it just, I feel like we didn't get enough, as much context as we did get. We didn't get enough of like what truly happened between the family and you two.

25:10 I just hope OP doesn't regret it.

25:13 Yes.

25:14 Or regret like, or like, not necessarily takes it out on her, but like, oh, you forced me to do this. You gave me this ultimatum and obviously I'm going to choose my core family now.

25:23 Yeah.

25:24 I wish you the best of luck, OP.

25:25 Yeah.

25:25 I hope, you know, at least you can take care of your core family and move on and hopefully use that voice that you, that your newfound voice that you found out that you had.

25:34 I think definitely keep working on yourself and working together as a unit, as you said. But I also think like individual, maybe even couples therapy might help a little bit. I don't think it was fair for her to do that, but Also, I don't know the situation.

25:48 Yeah, but it wasn't fair that his family kind of just at 17, not necessarily, I'm not saying they abandoned, we don't know. They didn't abandon him, but they just like, you're an adult now.

25:57 Yeah.

25:58 Good luck.

25:59 But that's the end of that story.

26:01 Hey, Keon here. We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

26:07 I treated my husband's family warmly, but they kept on excluding my son.

26:12 Dang, that's very cold. I, 35, female, am in a.

26:16 Loving, blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me.

26:21 I have a wonderful 10-year-old son.

26:23 My current husband, 32 male, lost his first wife four years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We've built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same. I do the same with my stepson. And the boys love each other like real brothers. We're genuinely happy despite everything. The problem is my husband's ex-in-laws. He is late wife's parents. They constantly bad mouth me and paint me as the evil stepmom. Feeding every nasty stereotype that I'm mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah to my husband's parents and anyone who will listen.

26:58 Probably like they think OP also is the one who deleted the original wife.

27:04 OP called the Etsy witches.

27:05 Yeah.

27:06 For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like stepmoms can never be real.

27:11 Why would she even care about him?

27:14 What the f- What?

27:16 The stepmoms aren't real. They can't hurt you.

27:18 Show me someone who's watched Cinderella way too many times.

27:23 They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me. By the way, this comes from StunningFactor871. If you want to submit your own stories, you know where to go.

27:32 I'm Dakota.

27:33 I'm Keon.

27:33 We are going to read this story and have our thoughts. You can have yours in the comments because we only know what we know. So let us know what you know. And OP says, Every time they.

27:42 Visit, they completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

27:47 They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets, only for their biological grandson. When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son, as he always does, they get visibly annoyed, say things like, Why are you sharing with him?

28:02 That's for you only.

28:03 Oh my god.

28:03 And even try to pull him away?

28:05 We leave.

28:07 We leave.

28:07 I'm leaving.

28:08 Everyone, thank you for your gifts. We're out.

28:11 Yeah, what are these? These are like the Dursleys from Harry Potter.

28:15 Yeah, what is going on?

28:16 My husband has been solid and always says other people's opinions don't matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson's birthday, if you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that's not possible, you are not family and not invited. I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I like his idea better. I've been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

28:51 On my stepson's birthday last year, his side of the family showed up.

28:54 With gifts and love.

28:57 On my son's birthday, almost no one came, and the few who did showed up empty-handed.

29:03 They need to learn. They don't need to be in our lives. This is insane. It's one thing. It's still insane if they treated Opie like this, to treat Opie like this. But a child.

29:18 Like, what's going on?

29:19 Is your kid, like, left-handed and they're, like, super traditional, like, Christians?

29:23 Like, they're like, he's the devil?

29:25 They're just not. They're not of blood.

29:29 That's why.

29:30 So stupid.

29:31 Gifts aren't important to us as adults, but to a child, it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started to me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don't like him or what he did.

29:45 Wrong, which breaks my heart.

29:48 I have zero family on my side, so he doesn't have that extended network.

29:53 His birthday is coming up soon, and I'm dreading it.

29:56 I'd even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier. I just don't want him to feel left out again. Recently, after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or.

30:07 Play with the shared toys.

30:09 He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me.

30:13 That's, I feel bad. Now I'm, now I feel really bad, OP.

30:18 Yeah, now see, this is why I'm like, you should have just let husband cook. You should have let husband go. You're either family to both of these kids or you're family to none of them.

30:27 That's your decision.

30:29 You will not be invited in the future if you don't learn how to respect a 10-year-old child.

30:34 We gave them their one chance that the son had experienced.

30:39 I'm completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more.

30:42 That's natural. But the open hostility, the exclusion of my son, and the.

30:46 Constant comments are painful. And there's an edit here. I finally stopped holding my husband back. Thank God. He's now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family. Either they are family to both or family to none.

31:01 Great.

31:02 Am I the a-hole for supporting this hard line now after previously trying to keep the peace? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of family and my husband's late wife's memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

31:15 Girl, she's gone.

31:17 Sorry.

31:17 She's gone, and you are not to be blamed for this. Yeah.

31:21 There's only one person being severely negatively impacted by this, and it's your child.

31:27 I was going to say, I'll give you a guess. You get two. Then don't even set him up for the failure. You're setting him up for failure by giving him the idea of they will come or they might come. or your brother gets it, you'll get it too. You just let him witness all of that, and now he's going to feel bad. You just traumatized your child.

31:48 Well, I mean, to be fair, it's the rest of the family.

31:50 But yes, but I think OP's way of like, we can do this the easy way first and see if it works out. Talking it through. To the people who are blatantly disrespecting OP and the child, you think the people who are disrespecting a child straight to his face are going to go, you know what? Their words did make sense.

32:09 Comment one, I kind of understand why the late wife's parents are more interested in their bio grandson, but doesn't your son have two sets of grandparents as well? OP says, unfortunately not. There's this thing called passing away. My parents did that. And I don't have any contact with my husband's family. Update nine days later. My husband's parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me. They responded that they've seen everything with their own eyes and listed their issues with me. That I'm too harsh and casual when talking

32:49 about his mother's passing, for example, saying she passed away or she is passed away instead of using softer words. That I'm careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury. And that I'm trying to erase his mother's memory.

33:05 Oh my gosh. Get yourself therapy. Y'all have been taking that out on OP and her son. Crazy.

33:13 They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can't give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn't even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this. I only knew that he told my stepson no when he asked. Now they're claiming I manipulated him into refusing. My husband defended me and explained that our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother's passing so my stepson can learn the permanence of it at his age.

33:52 Maybe they should do that for his ex-in-laws too.

33:56 Mm-hmm.

33:58 That's why I use clear wording, not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own past relatives. He also said that when he was a child, he got injured often, including breaking his arm once, but that didn't mean his mother was careless.

34:11 He asked them, do you think I'm stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don't you think I would notice? The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

34:23 What?

34:24 It's a cat. Get the cat. It is, it almost takes care of itself.

34:30 No, don't get the cat because you're succumbing to the in-laws, the ex-in-laws.

34:34 Yeah, but I like cats.

34:35 You know what I say? Cats are cool. But you know what I say?

34:38 No.

34:39 We're getting a dog.

34:40 We're getting a ferret.

34:41 There are some more comments here. OP is clarifying who's bad-mouthing. OP says, my husband's ex-in-laws bad-mouthed me to all the relatives from my husband's side, including my husband's parents. So the ultimatum my husband gave was for all of them. And my husband's parents came to talk about it.

34:59 And then this happened.

35:01 Another commenter says, you still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating and when you got married.

35:06 We said, no, I met him two and a half years ago.

35:10 No.

35:10 Also, like any of that justifies any of the behavior coming from his family.

35:17 Yeah. Clear as day.

35:18 No.

35:19 Like that.

35:20 Oh, well.

35:21 Because you started dating too early, his entire family actually has the right to, you know, make your life's son terrible.

35:28 Because he moved on. Because that's what his wife would want, his ex-wife would want.

35:33 Update two.

35:34 Almost two weeks later, my son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall. Most of the relatives we invited from my husband's side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn't want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very, we're here to keep the peace rather than genuine warmth.

35:56 Imagine bringing gifts for both boys when it's clearly your son's birthday.

36:03 Yeah, that's weird. That's just like automatically, what the hell is wrong with you people?

36:08 Most of them kept interactions with my son's short surface level while being more natural with my stepson. We also invited my husband's ex-in-laws, but they didn't show up at all, which we expected. After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist's advice about using direct words. So our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they'd think about coming. Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up.

36:42 We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and.

36:46 Were there for both boys. I'm happy they showed up.

36:51 I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them.

36:55 And I know they'll always love their bio-grandson more. That's natural.

36:59 I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son. And yesterday was a step in the right direction. My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn't ignored or left out like before and he didn't ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted towards him, but he still went to bed smiling. I have to say, my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He has stayed strong, protected both boys, and held that boundary and made sure our son still felt celebrated. It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We're keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where

37:41 we can get it.

37:42 Right into it. Okay, this is better than... We're moving in a positive note. The fact that your son was like, yeah, this is pretty good. I enjoyed that one. Where it was just a bare minimum.

37:54 Yeah.

37:54 Insane. But, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day. Take victories like this, if you could call this a victory.

38:01 My biggest thing is why the beef with the son? All those people were like, oh, well, you did this and you did that and you're trying to do this. Why would you then take that out on my son? My son did nothing. What is wrong with you people?

38:15 My boy.

38:16 There's a third update. 12 days later, birthday celebrations.

38:21 A lot of people asked why my post focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends.

38:37 That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. Yeah, having two birthdays, that sounds sick.

38:42 Yeah, who doesn't enjoy more party for me?

38:44 My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well.

38:47 It just wasn't relevant to my previous post because all of the issues happened during the family celebration. Our relationship timeline, quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away that we had met.

38:58 She had passed about one year and five months before we met.

39:01 We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

39:12 Now for the update.

39:13 After my son's birthday, my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions. I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

39:21 Oh?

39:21 Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like passed away. she explained that children his age understand permanence much better when adults use clear direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing she also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before because my stepson lost his mother so young everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened.

39:56 The therapist said that while those.

39:57 Intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that it's permanent. That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of passing isn't cruel, it's actually an important part of healthy grieving. She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided by myself.

40:25 It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently. My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive. My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said. He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger child or about any parenting decisions we make, we want them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions. He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

40:56 We're coming up on the end here.

40:57 What a lame excuse. We thought you were just being insensitive.

41:01 And also it's like, you know, I mean.

41:04 Wow, this makes a lot of sense.

41:05 All this is dumb.

41:06 Again, it just goes, why are you, then why is my son the one being punished? Why is my son the one being excluded? Why is my son the one being hurt? None of that makes any sense. You're sad, bitter people.

41:19 I need groveling. I need people on their knees. I need, I need, I need people in a deep bow.

41:25 I think it's, I think husband's like, you know what? If it's just so like out of line or like one thing is just out of line, cut him off.

41:34 Yeah.

41:34 And I feel like he made that abundantly clear.

41:37 Yep.

41:38 Good on your husband.

41:39 You know, brush up on the acting skills, guys, because you're acting like robots, even though you showed up.

41:45 Just treat my kid like he's a kid that you like.

41:48 It's not hard. Also, he's being a brat, which he's not.

41:52 Yeah, that's the one thing we haven't seen is, does your kid suck?

41:55 No.

41:55 Which, it doesn't sound like it.

41:56 Let's be real.

41:57 It doesn't sound like it because he took the chocolates out of his pocket and said.

42:01 Here, you can have these back.

42:04 Oh, man, it's all melted.

42:07 Oh, it was awkward at times. There were quiet moments after the session. They thanked us and left. No big emotional talk.

42:15 The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before. Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes. I'm glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We're not expecting miracles here. And that is the end of that story.

42:31 Well, that Is on a positive note. It's little by little, which we'll take, rather than going backwards. I'm glad that they are learning and understanding, but hopefully maybe get to the point where it's just like, okay, this is normal now. We're normal. Your kids are going to.

42:52 Grow up really cool.

42:53 That's my thought.

42:54 They're going to be really cool.

42:55 I just hope the one that does get favored... Does he become like a golden child or like?

43:00 I don't think he will. He shares all his stuff. He's like, yeah, I'm going to give him the stuff. They have to like pull him away to keep it from sharing.

43:07 Yeah, good on him to know like that's wrong. Like this is wrong. I'm 10 years old and this is wrong.

43:13 It's pretty early to realize that adults can be dead wrong about stuff.

43:19 But yeah, I remember when that hit me. I was like, wait, just because they're old, they're not always right?

43:26 Every damn day. That is the end of that story.

43:30 My wife called me a cheapskate every time I asked her to pay her fair share.

43:34 I'm just trying to be fair here.

43:37 My wife, 31 female, and I, 32 male, dated for five years and have been married for about three.

43:43 About me.

43:44 I come from a family of four siblings and my parents are upper middle class. My dad worked and my mom took care of the household. I lived at home during college. They paid for about half of my tuition and I was able to get scholarships and student loans, 25K, to cover the rest. Oh, about her. She is an only child, and her parents are upper, upper middle class.

44:04 Ooh, they're a second upper.

44:05 Double upper.

44:05 It's like a double double. Ooh.

44:08 They double upped her. They probably have never had a double double.

44:11 Dang.

44:12 They probably only buy the fanciest burgers in town.

44:14 Animal style.

44:15 Mm-hmm.

44:16 Both her parents work, but they.

44:17 Don't live lavishly.

44:19 They paid for all of her living expenses and tuition while in college, and she was able to use her parents' credit card for a bit. out of college.

44:26 Dang, that's lavish to me. That's upper upper. That's upper upper, I'll tell you. If I've ever heard of an upper upper, it's that.

44:33 They give her large financial gifts each year for her to invest or do whatever she wants, and she has never done anything irresponsible with them. It does stay in her account, and I never see or ask about it. Neither of us ever struggled financially in the time that we have known each other. We are both pretty frugal and always had more than enough money left over at the end of the day. We make similar incomes, but I have typically made 10 to 20% more. We have separate accounts, and it works for us, as we aren't fighting about how much each of us spends. By the way, this comes from Throwaway Cheapskate, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to r slash ok story time subreddit.

45:09 I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia.

45:11 I'm Keon.

45:12 And we are here to talk about some stuff, give some advice, but we don't have all of your answers. We are only going to tell you what we would do. And as Opie says, over the course of our relationship, I believe we've generally been fair with each other and never kept too much track of who owes who what.

45:28 She would pay for groceries, I would pay utilities. I would pay rent for a few months, then she would pay for a few months. I've never felt like either of us has paid way too much or way too little, and it's a good balance.

45:39 So what's the issue here? Sounds great. Sounds like we're living in a utopia.

45:44 Yeah.

45:45 Where everyone's upper, upper class.

45:47 For a while, she would jokingly call me a cheapskate whenever I thought something was not worth the money and found more value in something else less expensive. I would laugh it off because it might have been a valid dig at me, as I live a pretty simple life and don't really want many materialistic goods. This has started to evolve, and she would use the term whenever I asked her to pay for or buy something. The most recent example is that she accidentally broke something fairly expensive in her house, and I asked her to replace it.

46:15 She procrastinated for months, and each time I reminded her to take care of it, she would call me a cheapskate. That's... I don't feel like she's using that term. Yeah.

46:24 No, that's not, that's just, that's just asking you to like, like you broke it. Something for the house.

46:29 Yeah.

46:29 I wouldn't even like consider that like a, a thing of, Oh, you need to buy it because you broke it. It's, it feels more like, Hey, can you get us ever? Like, can you do that work?

46:40 Yeah.

46:40 It feels more like the focus is on, Hey, just like do the work because you broke it.

46:44 Can you replace it?

46:45 Yeah.

46:46 But also what did they break? Like a lamp. If it was like a lamp or like, cause it, It's taking her months to replace it.

46:53 Well, I don't know. I've been there.

46:57 Been there.

46:57 I had a broken organizer thing for three years. Just got it.

47:03 New one.

47:03 Finally, I ended up paying for the replacement. And when I asked her to pay me back, she refused and called me a cheapskate each time I asked. Now it is starting to bother me, but it's not about the money as we both have enough. I don't care if she ever gives me money for it, but what bugs me. is her not taking responsibility for her actions and having the audacity to call me a cheapskate after I paid for the replacement of something she broke.

47:25 Yeah, that's what I don't get. Again, it doesn't feel like OP really cares about the money. He's just like, you need to do the work for something that you broke. Yeah, I just, if I broke something immediately, I'm like, oh my God, I'll pay for it. Yeah, exactly.

47:38 That's just in my brain. It's like, well, yeah, I did it. Unless it's like super, super expensive. I'd be like, okay, well I can finance it. I'll try. Give me like, can I do back order?

47:48 It's just like if you promise to do something, do it. Yes.

47:52 And now it's been months.

47:53 And now it's been months and he did it. And guess what? Still not there.

47:57 And now we have a problem. It's not even logical. I just want an equal partnership with her. I had a discussion with her about how I didn't like her using the word the way she was using it now and asked her to stop. I told her it made me feel bad and unappreciated and explained all of the expenses that I am taking care of for both of us and never asking her to pay anything. Including home insurance, car insurance, health insurance, HSA contributions, water, electricity, heating, internet, property taxes, and home repairs. Sounds like you're living an upper upper life.

48:27 It sounds like he's doing a lot here. Yeah.

48:29 She didn't seem to take the conversation seriously because she continued to use the word days later. I decided to make a spreadsheet of our financial situation to drive the point home. When I was done, we sat down together and went through the numbers. I showed her that I only had a few hundred dollars left each month after all the bills were paid, whereas she was left with a couple thousand. I told her that I would like us to split the shared expenses equally roughly. roughly $ 12, 000 plus any future home repairs yearly. She became saddened and teary-eyed with the idea and said, I must not love her.

49:03 Aw.

49:03 Come on.

49:05 I would like you to buy my love now. Buy? Oh, you must not love me.

49:09 My love equates to a very specific monetary amount.

49:13 Yeah, she's pulling that card. Oh, you don't love me.

49:15 You don't love me unless you pay $ 10, 000 every month. That's it. is the price of my love.

49:21 Then you up it, Opie. You don't love me.

49:23 She uppers her money.

49:25 She ups it.

49:27 She goes, and there's also interest. If you want me to love you more.

49:31 I need double the interest. Interest in me and interest in the money.

49:33 Finance my love.

49:34 10 bucks a hug.

49:36 Aw.

49:37 20 bucks a kiss. Ooh.

49:39 And you know what? Inflation, man. I would just be deprived.

49:41 Inflation, man. brought up that she paid a larger percentage of our house and if I want her to pay half, I should balance that out. One statement she made was that her dad pays for everything and her mom never had to pay for anything even though she works and that my dad pays for everything for my mom as well. Well, that's not how we're doing it, buckaroo. So many people get stuck in that mindset. Yeah, my brother's like that too. Well, my parents did it.

50:04 This is why.

50:04 Yeah.

50:05 My brother's like that.

50:06 My brother will not let my sister-in-law go back to work because he was like, you have to take care of the kids.

50:10 Oh, they should. And yeah.

50:12 And she's like, I feel like this is like my job. And but she's not like getting out and doing what she wants and stuff. And I'm like, she should.

50:20 Do it anyway.

50:21 Yeah, she wants to do like substitute teaching. She should do that. Yeah, she could be around the kids. I'm going to talk to your brother-in-law. It's my actual brother.

50:27 Let me talk to your brother. Not in-law.

50:28 Let me talk to your brother. I thought you said brother-in-law. My brother's really cool. Let me talk to your brother.

50:32 My brother.

50:32 You got some words. My brother's cool. I'm going to give your sister a job. Cool man.

50:36 She thinks that asking for this is basically treating her like a roommate, not a significant other. She was concerned that if she ever has kids or stops working, then I will just treat her poorly and ask her to pay me back for everything. She also said that I make more money than her, so I should be paying more, and that paying 100% means I love her 100%. I tried to address all her concerns and reassure her that I am crazy. crazy about her and i love her so much but she was still feeling down about the situation i feel like she somehow made this about her and not about me feeling unappreciated for taking care of many of the household expenses and wanting an equal partner is a 50 50 split really asking too much she

51:13 did pay more for the house but if we ever split up i would ask for the same ratio again i feel like i don't really care about the money but maybe she would understand if she shared the responsibility with me i don't mind paying more but i just want to feel appreciated how can i move forward from here and get her to understand that there's an update.

51:31 Well it seems like the issue isn't is 50 50 fair because she just wants 100 exactly.

51:37 Yeah so it's like it doesn't seem like you can really reason with yeah because she's like well this is how my family does it and so it's just Yeah.

51:45 It just feels like this is it. It's not like she's saying, well, I make less, so it should be 60, 40 or 70, 30. She's saying it should be 100. She said, I make less, so you pay for everything. Yeah.

51:55 And if you don't, then you don't love me. Which is very manipulative.

51:59 Very, very manipulative.

52:01 If anything, she's the cheapskate. Come on, baby.

52:04 Bring it back.

52:05 Yeah.

52:05 You just start turning on her. You go, oh, you don't want to pay anything?

52:09 Yeah. Cheapskate. Literally. Yeah.

52:12 I would call her parents. Call your in-laws and be like, hey, big question. Whenever she didn't get her way or didn't get something, did she question your love? Oh. And whenever she did that, you immediately bought her something?

52:24 Yeah. Were you bad parents?

52:28 Question. Hello there.

52:29 Question.

52:30 I know you're on the up and up.

52:32 Did you spoil her a little bit?

52:34 Yeah.

52:34 Are you a horrible parent?

52:36 Mm-hmm. There's an update 17 days later. I read through all the comments and I appreciate the ones giving advice. But to the ones trying to find holes and making wild assumptions, slow your roll up for a bit. We knew each other's financial situations before we got married and have talked plenty about financial goals. I know everyone wanted us to have a shared account already, but we can't change the past. So all of this is based on the reality of separate accounts. My wife and I discussed the issue further. I explained that I didn't really want her to pay half of the expenses. But I only wanted to discuss and ask how I am actually being a cheapskate. She admitted that she said some things she

53:11 didn't really mean in the heat of the moment. She apologized for her name calling and we were able to have a rational conversation. A lot of people jumped on the 100% pay equals 100% love comment so I asked her what she meant. And she took it back and said she was wrong to say it. She has been doing better about calling me names and I really haven't heard it at all for the past year. I asked if there was any deeper issues bothering her.

53:34 Thanks for the suggestion.

53:35 And she said that she would like some additional outings or vacation with the vid. We really haven't done much in the past two years. We agreed that we should start getting out more or we have been trying out one new restaurant each week. We took a vacation last year and we were planning some more trips this year.

53:50 She also wanted more hugs.

53:52 Oh, $ 10. Oh, that's pricey.

53:54 I don't know if OP can afford that.

53:56 In this economy, yeah.

53:57 Not really in your budget. No.

54:00 I don't know if it's completely solved, but it is getting better. And I do think, you know, him asking her, like, how could we, like, figure this out? And her saying, let's go out.

54:11 I love that he immediately followed up with, like, hey, that was kind of whack. And then she's like, yeah, I'm sorry. And then he's like, what's the real issue?

54:19 Right? Yeah.

54:20 And they dove in. deep yeah they dove down underneath yeah.

54:25 The upper upper had built up i've been having a lot of like uh therapy sessions of like discovering like things and i'm like whoa like going back to like the core and i'm like oh i just have never like dug dug dug dug dug dug dug and she's like no no keep going and i'm like i don't i don't really know and then i'm like i feel.

54:43 Like my problem is that i i know why i am the way i am in many ways that's good sometimes it doesn't help to.

54:50 Know why I know what the root of this is.

54:55 Yeah, I'm like, I know where it started. I know where it started.

54:59 Where did it start?

55:00 I know where it went. Where it always does.

55:02 And I know where it's going.

55:03 It's on the up and up on the inside.

55:05 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

55:05 We discussed that having a shared account with a 55-45 contribution ratio would be fair and the remaining would go to individual accounts. We still don't think it's for us for various reasons, but we are still discussing it. And eventually we realized if we have kids, it's going to end up like that anyway. We sat down and went through the budget together. We realized that I had made a mistake and copied my own salary in her section.

55:28 So it looked like she had a bit more left over. Sorry, everyone. She plugged in her numbers and we looked through it. We decided that until we are comfortable with the shared account, property taxes and home repairs would be split 55-45 and I would continue covering everything else. We are happy and.

55:43 At peace with this resolution.

55:45 We still sit down each month to plug in our expenses into our budget and see where we are at.

55:51 And that's the end.

55:53 Hey, it's Carly, Keon's girlfriend, here.

55:56 We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. My wife admitted she wanted another man's attention more than mine, so I demanded answers.

56:06 What's wrong with me?

56:08 After we had our kids, my wife, 35 female, gained a lot of weight, like 80 pounds. And honestly, I, 38 male, was fine with it. I thought she was still hot, and my desire for intimacy never waned. So for a while, she was fine with her weight too. Fast forward five years, and all of a sudden, my wife gets really into fitness and nutrition. She buys a Peloton, goes on a strict diet, and loses all the weight and then some. She looks like she did when I met her in her early 20s. She looks great, but like I said, I thought she looked great heavy too.

56:38 Then one day last week, she comes home from work, and I can tell something is really bothering her. I ask what's wrong, but she's just evasive and distant. This lasts a few days before she finally breaks. She tells me that the reason she was so determined to lose weight was because she wanted attention from the guy at work she has a crush on. She said that all the women have a crush on this guy and she just wanted his attention. By the way, this comes from Throwaway Crushed Husband. And if you want to make your own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit.

57:08 I'm Sophia. I'm Savannah.

57:10 I'm Keon.

57:11 And we just want your attention when we give advice. So give it in the comments below.

57:18 Yeah.

57:19 Please.

57:20 Period.

57:21 There you go.

57:21 And Opie says, well, apparently she got too much of it on the day she came home. So upset. He'd apparently been flirting with my wife for a few weeks. And that day he asked her if she wanted to have dinner with him after work at a restaurant that just so happens to be in a hotel. Oh no, not the restaurant hotel combo.

57:39 Oh, you can't do that. He probably already has a hotel rented. No, he's like, oh God, we might as well just rent a room.

57:45 I'm so stuffed. I can't do anything. I've filled myself with cheesecake.

57:48 I filled myself. We might as well lie down. I filled myself. Might as well fill you too.

57:52 Oh, and she said, that's too far. I have a husband. And she went, I'm so upset.

57:56 I need to call my husband.

57:58 He heavily implied that they could get a room afterward or even skip the restaurant and just get room service.

58:05 That's crazy.

58:05 I feel like he heavily implied by saying that those exact words. Yeah, he heavily implied, hey, let's just rent a hotel. Yeah, he said, can we rent a hotel? The entire hotel just for you, baby. The whole thing. She tells me that to this point, it was all just fantasy in her head, but now it was real and she snapped out of it. She realized that she'd gone way too far. She declined his invitation, of course, and felt she needed to confess what she'd done to me.

58:30 I was crushed and still am. First, I'm actually upset, she told me. I know this is some form of cheating, but I didn't suspect anything. She could have just kept this to herself and not passed her burden on to me. So the thought comes to my mind that maybe she wants me to dump her so she can be with this guy and that's why she's telling me. OP, let's not jump to conclusions.

58:47 Hold on, don't assume.

58:49 So I ask her that and she breaks down crying. That's not what she wants. And says she loves me and just wanted to be honest with me and apologize. Nothing physical happened. I'm pretty sure of it. I can track her phone and also have pretty free access to it. She never hides it, leaves it everywhere, and that phone never leaves work. I suppose she could be cheating on her lunch break and leave the phone. But I just don't think she'd leave the phone and... and not be available for the kids. So I don't think I want a divorce.

59:13 Yeah, let's work through this first. I don't think it's divorce worthy. Yeah. Yeah.

59:17 I love her and we have kids. But it's just eating at me that she did all the work she did to be attractive for another man. I don't know where to go or even what to ask of her. I just need some advice. Therapy probably would be the first step here.

59:31 For sure. I think individual and couples.

59:33 Yeah. Emma. Emma Wilkins says it's emotional cheating at least. I honestly and I would love your thought on this. I feel like it's a step before that because it wasn't mutual until he asked her out. And then she was like, well, unless she was flirting, which it doesn't feel like she said she was.

59:49 Yeah, we probably got the tip of the iceberg.

59:50 Yeah.

59:51 She was that she was trying to lose all that weight.

59:53 She was trying to attract him by working out and looking good.

59:57 I think it was achieved.

59:59 So I would equivocate this to like when I used to do yoga all the time, I was a yoga fanatic. Um, I, every time I would go, it's not like I was going there for myself. Yes, I was like, I was paying the membership, whatever, blah, blah, blah. But I, I had to be the best one in the class. So like I would be competing the entire time. Sure. So is it like, is it wrong of me to like use this for, you know, like it's not cause yoga is supposed to be freeing and very, you know, like, like clearing chakras, whatever, and making sure your mind is free, whatever, letting go, and relaxation, basically, like a reset. But for me, it wasn't. I was like, oh, I'm better than these people, and now I can prove it. When they would say,

1:00:43 good job, Savannah, in the class.

1:00:44 My week is made.

1:00:47 Yeah.

1:00:47 So it feels like that. It feels like somewhere in that range. No, I'm not saying that it's not bad because it is a problem and it is bad, but it feels like a step at least to me below emotional cheating.

1:00:59 I would agree with that. Yeah. I, It's like she's thought about it, but then when it actually happened, she went, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

1:01:07 This is not good.

1:01:08 So it kind of was just like in her head.

1:01:10 It was a fantasy, which she said. It was, yeah.

1:01:12 It was a fantasy. But then when it started to become a reality, that's when she pulled back, which was the right decision.

1:01:17 I agree.

1:01:18 And that's why it is fixable.

1:01:20 Yes.

1:01:21 Yeah.

1:01:21 Agreed.

1:01:22 Okay. I talked more with my wife after my first post in an attempt to understand why she did what she did. From what she tells me, every woman in the office swoons over this guy. They all flirted with him, my wife included, and he never flirted back. So she did flirt with him. A few of the single ones have basically thrown themselves at him, but still get nothing.

1:01:40 So my wife thinks to herself that when she was younger and thinner, she could and did have guys that look like him chase after her. So she wanted to prove to herself that she still could get the attention of a hot young guy if she wanted. To answer a common question, yes, she was very heavily flirting with him, but she says that he knew she was married, and since she didn't plan on ever being with him alone, it was harmless. Now that I think about it, she was in a great mood in the few weeks prior to her breaking down. She was kind of all over me as well.

1:02:06 We hadn't had.

1:02:07 That much spicy sleep in years. She tells me that it wasn't so much that guy at work heating her up, but how his attention made her feel, which again, I always have given her plenty of attention. Why that wasn't enough to make her feel good about herself, I don't know. And that's really what hurts me most. What I thought of her didn't matter. She says what I thought did matter, but she asked me if she walked past me on the street at her heaviest, would I turn and look?

1:02:28 I don't do that with anyone, but I would still have found her attractive. But I guess I see the point she's making. When she was younger, she did get a lot of head turns, and she got used to that. She liked the attention, and when that all went away, it made her depressed. In the end, I think we'll be okay. I'll get over this, but as of now, I'm not letting her know that. I told her she needs to go to therapy and work on why she needs this external validation from people she doesn't care about.

1:02:50 She agreed to do that. I'm kind of the same in, like, stranger's validation. Well, it's very much a woman thing, too. yeah because we're told that we need to look a certain way for people yeah and that is not saying that she hasn't done something wrong to be clear but i do think it is something that we are told yeah well it's like the same thing like i don't like i don't know like so it'll be like my sister says something and i'll be like yeah yeah whatever but then a stranger says something i'm like oh yeah you're.

1:03:16 Right yeah it's like i don't know why i do that well you don't like i think it's the idea of My sister or my partner or something already loves me, already sees underneath. But this stranger complimenting me has no reason to tell me this compliment.

1:03:32 It's new. It's exciting. It's like, okay, I know this person is attracted to me.

1:03:36 Yeah, I know this person actually means that compliment because why else would they say it? Yeah, because my ex would always get mad.

1:03:40 He's like, I told you that. Why didn't you just go with, like, why didn't you say mine was.

1:03:44 A good idea?

1:03:45 And I'm like, well.

1:03:46 I don't know.

1:03:47 Well, I think that was, you've already said that was a difference.

1:03:49 I know.

1:03:50 But yeah, I definitely think she needs to go to therapy because this is absolutely an issue.

1:03:56 That you need to work on. Oh yeah, for sure.

1:04:00 And it's not... She needs to work on.

1:04:02 Her getting the validation from other people when... The only person you really care about is your partner, you know, at the end of the day.

1:04:09 Even then, it's not even she needs validation from her partner. She needs to find it with inward. And I think that's the issue is because he's giving her validation, but it's not enough. But she didn't. Yeah.

1:04:22 Yeah.

1:04:23 So I think she needs to go that way and figure out. Yeah. Like, why don't I feel compliments?

1:04:27 Yeah.

1:04:28 Of like, oh, yeah.

1:04:28 Like you say, like, oh, I love your bangs today. I'm like, I don't really look great.

1:04:33 But I'm like, I will.

1:04:35 It doesn't mean anything less, anything more, and that's all it means.

1:04:38 Yeah.

1:04:39 Personally, I love when my boyfriend compliments me.

1:04:42 Oh, yeah.

1:04:42 I feel great.

1:04:44 Oh, if a significant other compliments me, I'm like... say less but uh keep going.

1:04:52 We've got a little bit left like i said in my original post i don't think she did anything physical with him we have lifestyle 360 and i see where she goes and she goes straight from home to the office and back every day she either brings lunch or gets something delivered i just don't think that happened i acted cold toward her for a few days may have been a little cruel but i wanted her to sweat a little and think i was questioning the relationship Selfishly, I wanted to see her panic and try to win me back. I felt I needed to see she cares what I think of her. She was a mess bordering on desperate. She cried a lot, which eventually broke me.

1:05:23 I love her and couldn't stand to see her sad. I mean, but like she did. She did the thing that was wrong. Yeah.

1:05:29 So like she should be sad.

1:05:30 Yeah. She messed up. So in short, she's going to therapy and we will do couples counseling down the road. Thanks for all the advice, everyone. That's great.

1:05:37 Perfect.

1:05:38 Yeah, I think it is something that you can come back from. I think that we know now that we know she was flirting.

1:05:44 I agree.

1:05:45 That's cheating.

1:05:45 Yeah.

1:05:46 And it's going to take a lot more work.

1:05:49 And that's the end of this story.